To take this job despite negative impact on DC?

[MumGuilt3000]

NC for this as have also posted elsewhere and apologies for slightly dramatic title, I don't really think this would be detrimental to DC per se, I just couldn't think of a better way to word it!

I'm currently on mat leave with 1 yo DC, due to return at the end of May. I like my job in the sense that I love my colleagues, but the quality of work is crap and things have apparently changed a lot since I've been on mat leave. Targets have gone up, pay has not increased relatively and expectations are generally getting bigger without much in return. I've been wanting to move on for some time, but the pandemic and then pregnancy put that all on hold for a while.

I've been looking for a new job for a while but nothing suitable has come up. I've agreed 3 days a week on my return with my current employer and in the office once or twice a week. Overall they're pretty flexible about how and when I work, so long as client needs are met - along with targets.

Last week a potential new role came up which would be a huge payrise (think £30k FTE) with better benefits and very similar targets and expectations. Also a huge improvement in quality of work. It's also comforting because I know someone who works there and I'm confident I'd be happy there because she is and I know her personality. They're happy for me to start on 3 or 4 days BUT the catch is they'd want me to go full time from September.

This wasn't the plan - DC is going to nursery 3 days a week and I thought this would be the perfect balance for us. However, this is a really great opportunity and given the huge improvements in all areas of the job, I feel I'd be really stupid to miss out. At the same time, I feel so guilty for putting DC into nursery full time and missing so much time with them when they're so little. It's likely they'll be an only child and I worry I'd regret the decision later on. I'd be in the office 2 days a week and I'd be out of the house from 7.30-7.30 at least on those days, so basically won't see DC.

Now I know I'm incredibly privileged to be in this position and many people have no choice but to work full time and utilise full time childcare, so this post isn't meant to be insensitive and I certainly don't judge anyone who puts their DC in full time, but this wasn't what I'd planned for.

So, AIBU to go for a new role which would make a huge difference to both my career and our finances, even though it would mean DC being in FT childcare, rather than 3 days a week?

Personally I wouldn’t. There are so many years to work and DC are only young once. I want to be a part of as much of that as possible and work as little as financially possible. But this is very personal and many people have to or want to work full time and that’s fine if that’s what they want. If I thought I’d never get this opportunity again I would probably ask them for full time compressed to 4 days or even like 9 days per 2 weeks but you’d probably have to pay full time nursery but you could just not send her every second Fri and spend the day with her. I’ve just returned to work my dc is 12 months and my hours are 9-5.15. I basically get home and it’s time to put him to bed so I definitely couldn’t do full time I’d never see him and I’d be miserable.

I wouldn't. What's the point in having kids if you hardly ever see them?

Go for it.

Maternity leave was not good for my mental health and I went to a new job after it finished because my previous one had been a toxic environment. Admittedly I’m working 4 days not 5, but regardless it was the right decision because I would have been so unhappy returning to my old work.

A lot of sneery attitudes here towards full time nursery. My son gets so much out of nursery and I’m sure that would be the case 5 days a week. I’m not an expert in child development. I’m a bit rubbish at coming up with creative play ideas for him but he has lovely key workers at nursery and loves the activities they do together - things I’d never think to do at home.

Also if Jacinda Ardern can be PM of NZ and a good mum, you can do this job and be a good mum!

Quite frankly, it sounds like you haven’t chosen a very good nursery. I have never seen a child left to cry in a crib at DS’s nursery, and I have been there at all times of day. If I was you I would have withdrawn my child the first time I saw it…

You won’t look back on your death bed and say ‘I wish I’d worked more hours’ but you may say ‘I wish I spent more time with my children when they were young’

@Favouritefruits that's such a boring trope. You may well be on your death bed and say 'I wish I'd provided better for my old age' or 'I wish I had had more interesting, fulfiling, work' (my Grandmother did do that in the last years of her life, and in contrast to most women of her generation she had had a reasonably interesting working life).

Honestly I'm never going to wish I spent more time at baby sensory. Really, never.

@Dacadactyl

Who pays for you not to work?

@Favouritefruits

Nah

I dont have any regrets

She might also say "I wish I'd been able to leave my child in a more comfortable financial position".

My husband worked FT, I stayed at home til the kids went to school. Now im PT and kids are 16 and 10.

He had modest income at the time and we bought our first house (12.5 years ago) on his income alone because we'd both saved up a decent deposit and were realistic about the house we could afford on one income. We had no treats and no spare cash for a long while.

I wanted to look after my own kids so made the necessary sacrifices. Some people want to look after their own kids and can't afford to (no matter how many sacrifices they make), which is sad.

@Dacadactyl

So what was the point in your oH having kids if he never sees them?

Or “I wish I had a better pension and now I’m struggling”

or “I wish I didn’t go part time because now I’ll never earn as much as I could’ve done”.

@Botw1 who said he never sees them/saw them? The OP is talking about being out of the house from 7.30am til 7.30pm...my DH has never been out of this house working 12 hours, ever. Including his commute, he was out from 7.45am - 4.45pm.

@Isthisexpected it's really sad when parents make the decision to put their babies in full time childcare unless absolutely necessary. You'll only see your child briefly every day and then spend Saturday doing chores and being exhausted so have little quality time together.

Tell me you don’t have any experience of what it’s like to work full time without saying you’ve no experience working full time.

@Dacadactyl

2 days a week. The rest of the time she'll be working from home.

So how is that never seeing her kid?

She'll say them 5 days a week and says there is potential to do shorter days any way

I work/ed shifts and there were some weeks I did 3 12.5 hours so wouldn't see them

It was fine

@Botw1 when I say you can’t have it all I meant you can’t have the life of a SAHP and a FT parent at the same time especially when you have a baby, there will always be a compromise.

@Botw1 you've misread the OP. My understanding is she will be expected to go FT from September, away from the child for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week.

@toomuchlaundry

Well obviously you can't have a physical impossibility

A sahp isn't the ideal. It's not something I was ever trying to achieve.

So yeah, I can have it all.

@Dacadactyl she will only be in the office 2 days a week. The other days wfh so no commute.

I look after my children by earning money so they can have things like 'a house' and 'food'. There are lots of ways to look after children.

@Botw1 just rechecked it and she will be FT but in office 2 days a week, away for 12 hours on those days.

Not seeing your small children for 12 hours is a long time for THEM. And it's not something I'd personally want for them either.

It's normal for a baby to wail 5-10 mins before anyone can attend to them due to 1 person looking after 4 babies.. @elodiesmith

The legal ratio in the uk is 1:3 for under twos so there would not be 1 person looking after 4 babies.

If you apparently see babies being left to wail for 10 mins and still send your child there then that says more about you, particularly as you’ve no need for your child to be there. Really weird to pick such a shit nursery when you don’t even work and then try to make an assumption on all childcare.

I think you have actually misread.

From OP

''I'd be in the office 2 days a week and I'd be out of the house from 7.30-7.30 at least on those days''

@SouthLondonMum22 yes I realised that and commented as such at 19.58

@Dacadactyl

No the op says out of the house 12 hours days a week.

It will be fine

And the point of having kids os ti be a family and watch them grow into independent adults with lives of their own

Not to martyr yourselves to them 24/7

I did this and regretted it. Yes, stacks of money, but we had enough. I've missed that time with small children and will never get it back. Still, you never know, maybe I'd have hated it.

“We had no treats and no spare cash for a long while.”

it’s fine for OP to want to have spare cash and to provide treats. The money OP would make would also benefit her children, and provide them with opportunities and experiences they wouldn’t otherwise have. That has significant value in itself, and isn’t inherently lesser than staying home.

I’m not sure why scraping by is considered preferable to being able to support her children with a comfortable quality of life.