To take this job despite negative impact on DC?

[MumGuilt3000]

NC for this as have also posted elsewhere and apologies for slightly dramatic title, I don't really think this would be detrimental to DC per se, I just couldn't think of a better way to word it!

I'm currently on mat leave with 1 yo DC, due to return at the end of May. I like my job in the sense that I love my colleagues, but the quality of work is crap and things have apparently changed a lot since I've been on mat leave. Targets have gone up, pay has not increased relatively and expectations are generally getting bigger without much in return. I've been wanting to move on for some time, but the pandemic and then pregnancy put that all on hold for a while.

I've been looking for a new job for a while but nothing suitable has come up. I've agreed 3 days a week on my return with my current employer and in the office once or twice a week. Overall they're pretty flexible about how and when I work, so long as client needs are met - along with targets.

Last week a potential new role came up which would be a huge payrise (think £30k FTE) with better benefits and very similar targets and expectations. Also a huge improvement in quality of work. It's also comforting because I know someone who works there and I'm confident I'd be happy there because she is and I know her personality. They're happy for me to start on 3 or 4 days BUT the catch is they'd want me to go full time from September.

This wasn't the plan - DC is going to nursery 3 days a week and I thought this would be the perfect balance for us. However, this is a really great opportunity and given the huge improvements in all areas of the job, I feel I'd be really stupid to miss out. At the same time, I feel so guilty for putting DC into nursery full time and missing so much time with them when they're so little. It's likely they'll be an only child and I worry I'd regret the decision later on. I'd be in the office 2 days a week and I'd be out of the house from 7.30-7.30 at least on those days, so basically won't see DC.

Now I know I'm incredibly privileged to be in this position and many people have no choice but to work full time and utilise full time childcare, so this post isn't meant to be insensitive and I certainly don't judge anyone who puts their DC in full time, but this wasn't what I'd planned for.

So, AIBU to go for a new role which would make a huge difference to both my career and our finances, even though it would mean DC being in FT childcare, rather than 3 days a week?

I’ve yet to hear anyone raise this to a father though. It’s always, always aimed at mothers

Absolutely.

You are a very small minority. Men aren’t made to feel guilty or that they don’t raise their child or don’t love them enough when they continue to work full time after becoming a parent.

Women are. All of the time.

@EarringsandLipstick in your post you said that posters telling OP that she would be missing out are ridiculous. I was just pointing out if you are in a FT job with little flexibility including 2 days a week when you don’t get home until 7pm you will miss out on things, and the ‘you’ wasn’t aimed at you it was aimed at parents who don’t mind missing those things, other parents do. And if you are a parent who does want to attend those things then you need to consider them when a new job/career is a possibility. Some parents will run screaming from the school gates and are quite happy to pass that joy onto childminders, others love the chance to chat with other parents.

Obviously, some parents don’t have a choice (and notice I use parents not mums) but in this case the OP has a choice. If I was her I would be checking what flexibility there is. If she is getting a pay rise of £30k I would assume the employer is keen to take her on, so some more negotiation of terms may be on the cards. I’ve also pointed out that the early years of school can be actually harder to cover if both parents are FT, especially in areas where holiday clubs are few and far between, than the nursery years. In the OP’s case this hopefully won’t be a problem as her DH will be retired by then (which OP mentioned after this consideration was raised)

And then we complain about the gender pay gap - but it's women who are as bad or worse than other men at making mothers working FT feel inferior

With your DH retiring soon, I would definitely take the job.

His hours will taper off in a couple of years and he will be able to do more childcare

OP's child is one. Not a baby. And if my child was attending a nursery where I saw multiple babies crying in cots regularly I'd withdraw them.

Me too.

I have a baby in nursery and what I most often see is a baby on someone’s hip.

Babies crying in cots isn’t my experience at all.

You title was correct as you will pretty much only see your baby awake at weekends.

In what world is one year old not a baby?

I would never put a child in full time childcare unless it was absolutely essential for financial reasons and by that I mean if we were on our asses for money. They’re only young for a very short period of time. There’ll be other jobs but you’ll never have this time back

@NewNovember a 1 year old is generally a toddler and certainly shouldn't be spending time in a cot aside from nap time

I imagine they mean not a small baby, almost a toddler.

Like compared to mine who is 4 months.

I found part time harder work. I effectively did full time work in a shorter time period for less pay and did childcare. Not helped by the pandemic tbh.

@ladymaiasura

I worked just less than full time and had gone back up to full time when they went to school.

I did drop offs and pick ups, helped out.

Not everyone who works works Mon to fri 9 to 5

But that doesn't mean that father's dont miss out or don't regret that in later years. Its a very personal decision as to what to prioritise but no one can have it all.

Funny how the oh how could you, its awful you'll miss so much and never will never get this time backers, dont care that their kids dads are missing out on this precious time they'll never get back.

@DisquietintheRanks

Sure you can

How @Botw1 ? Can’t work FT and have all the days, evenings and weekends with DC too, unless you never sleep

I feel like I do have it all but then I don’t feel like working full time means that my career comes first.

Especially since men are never asked if they have it all. Again, always aimed at women.

@toomuchlaundry

Do you really think you have to be with your child 24/7 to be a good parent or 'have it all' ?

If that's the case then I hope you home school and have zero social life.

I would do it. If you and DP can work out either a 4 day week or a compressed 5 in 4 for both of you then do that. If not, do it anyway, but i would want to see him properly put the request in. 30k is loads more money. Presumably his redundancy worries are less significant if you're earning a lot more?

Honestly, baby and toddler years, with FT childcare, are the best time to put your professional shoulder to the wheel. It gets much more difficult when they start school and you have holidays to contend with. The more senior you are, the more options you have in the primary school years. After nursery time is not 'quality time' - they are ratty and tired (and 5 out of 7 days you will be there for bedtime anyway).

Is your partner agonizing? No? Well there you go.

Fwiw, I've been FT (with travel), DP PT (and then a SAHD for a couple of years). I'm a much better parent for having engaging work. I'm also keeping our family in a much better financial position. Babies don't know what day it is. Your baby will be fine. Better than fine. You sound like work is important to you so please take the opportunity.

@Botw1 I do think there is some sort of positive correlation bw time spent with a child and the quality of the relationship yes. It doesn't have to be 24/7 but spending time together (and not just quality time but every day time) yeah.

@DisquietintheRanks

So you've never had a day apart from your kids?

They've never had a sleep over? Went to grandparents or friends? School trip?

You've never had a night out or a trip away without them?

Up to what age? 18?

Even if I didn't work I wouldn't be doing that.

Personally I wouldn't. I went back to work full time when my youngest was 3 and it was hard. Not the housework etc but I wanted to be the ones doing the school runs, cooking for DC and doing their homework etc. It did have a huge impact on my DC. I regretted it and dropped to 4 days after 2 years and even now I wish I could drop more.

It's depressing that so many women have bought into the idea that their careers must suffer if they have children. It doesn't have to be that way. There is huge cultural pressure for women to stop working/scale back their hours (and consequently their earning potential). It's not hard to see why. Women have always worked, of course, but it is only in recent decades that large numbers of women have reached high levels in professions traditionally dominated by men. Not surprisingly, this shift has resulted in a general societal anxiety.

And not coincidentally, we see an increase in helicopter parents, the reduction of children's independence (no walking to school on their own, no playing with friends outside, etc.). People have convinced themselves that a parent (read: mother) must always be present, which translates into fewer women achieving their potential in the workplace. Ta-da. The power structure remains tilted toward men. As a result, women are losing out. And children are as well IMO, since I don't think many of the current trends in raising children are positive by any means.

I don't think this is any sort of top-down conspiracy, simply a reaction to new realities and anxieties. And the lack of family-friendly jobs, good quality childcare, etc. certainly make life more complicated for many families than it ought to be.