To take this job despite negative impact on DC?

[MumGuilt3000]

NC for this as have also posted elsewhere and apologies for slightly dramatic title, I don't really think this would be detrimental to DC per se, I just couldn't think of a better way to word it!

I'm currently on mat leave with 1 yo DC, due to return at the end of May. I like my job in the sense that I love my colleagues, but the quality of work is crap and things have apparently changed a lot since I've been on mat leave. Targets have gone up, pay has not increased relatively and expectations are generally getting bigger without much in return. I've been wanting to move on for some time, but the pandemic and then pregnancy put that all on hold for a while.

I've been looking for a new job for a while but nothing suitable has come up. I've agreed 3 days a week on my return with my current employer and in the office once or twice a week. Overall they're pretty flexible about how and when I work, so long as client needs are met - along with targets.

Last week a potential new role came up which would be a huge payrise (think £30k FTE) with better benefits and very similar targets and expectations. Also a huge improvement in quality of work. It's also comforting because I know someone who works there and I'm confident I'd be happy there because she is and I know her personality. They're happy for me to start on 3 or 4 days BUT the catch is they'd want me to go full time from September.

This wasn't the plan - DC is going to nursery 3 days a week and I thought this would be the perfect balance for us. However, this is a really great opportunity and given the huge improvements in all areas of the job, I feel I'd be really stupid to miss out. At the same time, I feel so guilty for putting DC into nursery full time and missing so much time with them when they're so little. It's likely they'll be an only child and I worry I'd regret the decision later on. I'd be in the office 2 days a week and I'd be out of the house from 7.30-7.30 at least on those days, so basically won't see DC.

Now I know I'm incredibly privileged to be in this position and many people have no choice but to work full time and utilise full time childcare, so this post isn't meant to be insensitive and I certainly don't judge anyone who puts their DC in full time, but this wasn't what I'd planned for.

So, AIBU to go for a new role which would make a huge difference to both my career and our finances, even though it would mean DC being in FT childcare, rather than 3 days a week?

@MumGuilt3000

All the more reason to go for it

He has okay-ish pensions, but we really need me to be earning a good wage to maintain our lifestyle. /../ he'll be around all the time for DC when they're at school.

Honestly in this situation it would be foolish to turn down 30K extra per year (at least).

I think your last paragraph is true - and usually because they’ve been funding their child’s mother to stay at home or work very part-time.

If both parents pull their wage-earning weight then it often enables the father to participate more in family life.

I’ve met many men who are bitter and sad about working their fingers to the bone to find a family they never got to participate in.

Maybe the husband can do the batch cooking at the weekend.
There's no reason why the OP should have to factor it in

🙄 of course, but someone's going to have to do it, and that person isn't child wrangling or cleaning at the time. I thought that would be pretty clear if you read all of my post FFS

I think that you enjoyed the time at home with your child but you know that you need to work also. You like using your brain and probably having time with adults.
Your current employer has gotten worse since you went on maternity leave and you have heard things back from co workers.

You have now heard about a far better job with better but they will need to work a 5 day from September. You have a supportive dh and together you can make this work. Your income will be a lot more so I would get a cleaner so you can enjoy your downtime.
You also mentioned that their is talk your DH job maybe making people redundant and your extra income could help out then.
Also when your established with your new employer you don't know what other things this could lead to or other opportunities it could offer.

When you start this job I would do a good budget plan and build up your savings first. I would then go to an independent financial adviser that you pay for and get their advice re your mortgage, savings, pensions, investment ect. Tell them what you like to achieve long term and see what they say.

I think that you enjoyed the time at home with your child but you know that you need to work also. You like using your brain and probably having time with adults.
Your current employer has gotten worse since you went on maternity leave and you have heard things back from co workers.

You have now heard about a far better job with better but they will need to work a 5 day from September. You have a supportive dh and together you can make this work. Your income will be a lot more so I would get a cleaner so you can enjoy your downtime.
You also mentioned that their is talk your DH job maybe making people redundant and your extra income could help out then.
Also when your established with your new employer you don't know what other things this could lead to or other opportunities it could offer.

When you start this job I would do a good budget plan and build up your savings first. I would then go to an independent financial adviser that you pay for and get their advice re your mortgage, savings, pensions, investment ect. Tell them what you like to achieve long term and see what they say.

I would hate to have to work full time while my kids are so small. I made the decision when they were born that they would be my priority and my career could wait. (I realise I am lucky to have this choice.)

I took the maximum maternity leave I could with each of them and now work two days a week. They are now 8 and 5. I love being around for most school pick ups and being able to have trips to the park or library or have friends over after school. I love days out just me and my pre schooler, or play dates with his friends, and I know I’ll miss these when he starts school in August. I loved being able to take them to classes when they were little or just have lazy days at home not having to rush everyone out of the door every day to childcare and work. I would have been so sad to miss out on all of that.

My sister is very career minded and went back to work full time when my nephew was 6 months old (her choice and always her intention). He went into full time nursery and, once at school, was at breakfast and after school club every day. She now out-earns me by a fair amount and has a more lavish lifestyle. My nephew was happy at his various child care settings. He is now in secondary school and has a lovely relationship with his mum.

What I’m saying is, your child will be fine either way. This decision needs to be about your priorities. I could be earning a lot more than I do but we are comfortable with our current income and don’t need the extra money (not that it wouldn’t be nice sometimes). You will miss out on a lot of your child’s life by working full time but that’s not to say you won’t still have lovely weekends and holidays together and still have a great relationship. Everyone is different and I know neither my sister nor I would change our decisions.

If you are thinking now you might regret working full time and missing out on much of your child’s early years then think very carefully about this. There will always be other career opportunities but you’ll never get these early years with your child back.

I went back full time after my first, and four days after my second, and honestly I found full time easier! It might not be what you planned but this is a big opportunity for your family as a whole.

I would go for it. I personally find childcare/working more challenging now they are at primary school, with shorter days and clubs and homework to juggle - in hindsight it would have been easier to work full time when they were little and do less days during primary years! (I did 3 days initially now do 3 days over 4 which fits with school hours when I am working at home).

Oh my gosh, what a patronising assumptive post!

I've 3 DC. I'm a single parent with no help. So I do everything.

In my case, I have to work full time so it's bit different but I also want to for various reasons - one being it's actually easier to work f/t than trying to catch up when working p/t (shouldn't be the way, but it is). And I get personal satisfaction from my work.

I can't say I've made every event for my DC, but pretty nearly - shows, concerts, sports days, matches, p/t meetings.

How do I do that? Annual leave mostly, and I do have some flexibility - however the work needs to be done regardless & I work in an academic role in a University so I'm limited by teaching / term time.

OP has a spouse who is involved, and can afford help like a cleaner.

Of course she will be fine! One or other parent can be there when needed. She'll see plenty of her kids & will be an involved parent.
Honestly the rudeness of your post amazes me. 😡

I'm looking forward to using my brain and finding myself again!

This is so understandable & valid OP!

I too am broadly a better parent when I'm fulfilled at work. Not always - as I'm sometimes tired & stressed & juggling too much. That's more due to single parenthood than work tho!

Agree 💯

All of this.

Take the job. Take it, take it, grab it with both hands! There is no reason to think that your child will be negatively affected.

@drpet49

@KarmaStar

How do you think people should fund their lifestyles if there's no point having kids if you want to work?

I had the opposite experience, my children much preferred nursery setting over childminder

Don’t be silly. It’s not patronising or rude, it’s honest. If you are working full time you are with your child less. That’s just fact. It’s not the full time working parents who help on school trips or go into school each week to help listen to kids read etc is it? Full time working parents aren’t often at school pick up either as their kids will be going to after school club or picked up by childminders. That’s not to say their kids will suffer for it but the parents will miss things. There’s no way around that. And it’s quite true to say some people will be upset to miss these things and some won’t.

I think long term being in this role will be great for your family. It might feel hard now but think about the benefits in a few years - you’re happy and satisfied in your work, you have the finances to really enjoy your time off together, and potentially going 4 days or 4 in 5 in a year sounds perfect (I went back very part time when my kids were small but I’m so much happier now doing 4 days a week and my kids get a much better me for it which also influences my advice!)

I’ve yet to hear anyone raise this to a father though. It’s always, always aimed at mothers.

OP, I'm in a similar situation and feel like I have to respond as I am one step ahead of you and you might not like what you read now.

I'm 'ahead' in a way that DS has started nursery one month ago. I have a luxury of doing that to get him settled in before I go back to work on 31 may.

I roughly do 8am-2pm days as obviously I'm not working so I can just get him whenever. A few times I did 7.30am-4pm days and let me tell you, it's quite intense. You see them for an hour and they're tired/cranky before it bedtime routine. It's not quality time. You barely see them. The contrast of spending 7 days with him to just 2 days, is full on. And my DS is a high needs baby so I do love a break from him! But 5 days is a lot. Your child is very little. They're your baby. The only one you'll have.

Your baby is high needs just as mine. Mine took time to settle in and still often cries at drop off with tears running down his face and screaming for me. It's f hard. I'm SO glad I then can just pick him up in 4 hours or so. Consider walking away from your crying baby reaching out with his arms to you, as you walk away for 10 hours. You'll be thinking of him all day.

Daycare sickness - oh dear. You're likely to both get sick and even when you're not sick, it's quite brutal. Baby vomiting.. diarrhoea... Stuffed nose where they can't eat. Adding up the pressures of new role (and no sick days accrued) will be tough.

So this is my similar situation with one step ahead. We've decided I will only go back 3 days.
Those who say 'babies won't remember' this but you will. And this is your only baby, you'll never have this again. You'll have other jobs.

The main caveat in my story is that we're financially well off so we can already afford private school and my pension is sorted as we have several properties. BUT it doesn't sound like you're struggling either.

Ultimately you decide what to do. But I wanted to give me side of the story on this. After starting daycare and seeing what 'that life' is like, I wouldn't do it. Good luck.

@SouthLondonMum22 I’ve said that my DH changed his role so he would have more flexibility and time at home once DS was on the scene, also meant he could attend events when DS was at Primary School. He wouldn’t have considered a job where he would not have seen DS 2 days a week because he didn’t get home in time. His previous job did entail working until 10pm or later when he was working on deals, but he wasn’t going to carry on with that role once we had a family. I say exactly the same thing to anyone looking at careers, if you are planning to have a family, consider what flexibility there may be once you have children, whether you are male or female. DH was a very hands on dad and he wanted to be as involved as possible, and he tries to make that possible for all his staff who are parents or who have other commitments (even allowed an office dog!)

Also to add. Not to "scare" you.. but because I don't work now and I started DS at daycare, I hang around there for 30mins and drop off and 30 mins at pickup (staff welcome me to hang around plus at times every educator is too occupied with other babies so there's no one available immediately to hand over my baby).

So many babies cry and just cannot get attended to at every cry. This means I've seen babies cry in a cot for 5-10 mins before the staff can attend to them. It's normal for a baby to wail 5-10 mins before anyone can attend to them due to 1 person looking after 4 babies.

Again, it's not the end of the world and babies will be fine. But I wouldn't want the whole working week for my kid. (If I had the choice. I know some working mothers have to go back full time)

@ladymaiasura

So. Many. Assumptions. (Mostly wrong, naturally)

If you are working full time you are with your child less

Less time. Not necessarily less quality or meaningful time. It also depends on the children. Mine liked their creche / ASC (though I had one awful year with a terrible ASC, where they were unhappy, and so was I. I didn't have a choice though, and that's definitely a hard position to be in for sure)

It’s not the full time working parents who help on school trips or go into school each week to help listen to kids read etc is it?
Wrong again. I have always helped out at cane sales and trips. We don't do the reading thing in Ireland but I am the parent who does Christmas & summer collections for the teachers, and I've been on the PTA in both primary & secondary schools many times. I do this because I want involvement in my DC's world and I make the time. I know plenty of SAHM who don't get involved at all - I don't judge that at all, it's entirely a matter of choice.
In my experience, parents who want to do, and it has relatively little to do with their employment status.

Full time working parents aren’t often at school pick up either as their kids will be going to after school club or picked up by childminders. That’s not to say their kids will suffer for it but the parents will miss things.
This is true. Certainly in younger years it's hard when this happens & I tried to balance it - make sure I could do school drops, if not collections.
However, for everything there is a positive as well as a challenge. My DC are independent & capable and while they sometimes wish I could be there at some points, they realise my work is a necessity, but also something that's important to me, and that's a good thing too.

And it’s quite true to say some people will be upset to miss these things and some won’t.
I didn't dispute that (my objection to @toomuchlaundry post was their assumption about f/t working parents 'missing loads' and that it didn't bother them. Most caring parents will be 'bothered' if they miss events. Sometimes they'll have no choice. Many times, like me, they can, admittedly with a lot of effort, make those key events, so no-one is missing out.

Ultimately parents need to do what's best for them & their DC. And that looks different for every family.

Posts like yours make simple inaccurate assumptions and are infuriating.