To take this job despite negative impact on DC?

[MumGuilt3000]

NC for this as have also posted elsewhere and apologies for slightly dramatic title, I don't really think this would be detrimental to DC per se, I just couldn't think of a better way to word it!

I'm currently on mat leave with 1 yo DC, due to return at the end of May. I like my job in the sense that I love my colleagues, but the quality of work is crap and things have apparently changed a lot since I've been on mat leave. Targets have gone up, pay has not increased relatively and expectations are generally getting bigger without much in return. I've been wanting to move on for some time, but the pandemic and then pregnancy put that all on hold for a while.

I've been looking for a new job for a while but nothing suitable has come up. I've agreed 3 days a week on my return with my current employer and in the office once or twice a week. Overall they're pretty flexible about how and when I work, so long as client needs are met - along with targets.

Last week a potential new role came up which would be a huge payrise (think £30k FTE) with better benefits and very similar targets and expectations. Also a huge improvement in quality of work. It's also comforting because I know someone who works there and I'm confident I'd be happy there because she is and I know her personality. They're happy for me to start on 3 or 4 days BUT the catch is they'd want me to go full time from September.

This wasn't the plan - DC is going to nursery 3 days a week and I thought this would be the perfect balance for us. However, this is a really great opportunity and given the huge improvements in all areas of the job, I feel I'd be really stupid to miss out. At the same time, I feel so guilty for putting DC into nursery full time and missing so much time with them when they're so little. It's likely they'll be an only child and I worry I'd regret the decision later on. I'd be in the office 2 days a week and I'd be out of the house from 7.30-7.30 at least on those days, so basically won't see DC.

Now I know I'm incredibly privileged to be in this position and many people have no choice but to work full time and utilise full time childcare, so this post isn't meant to be insensitive and I certainly don't judge anyone who puts their DC in full time, but this wasn't what I'd planned for.

So, AIBU to go for a new role which would make a huge difference to both my career and our finances, even though it would mean DC being in FT childcare, rather than 3 days a week?

I wouldn’t but that’s me. You won’t get those years back.

Would they allow compressed hours from
sept or even 4.5 days instead of 5?

As someone who made similiar choices and regretted it, I would say stick to your role for now. Going back to work after mat leave is tough enough, let alone a new job on more hours.

Enjoy the 3 days and look for something else next year if you still wish to. For you to agree 3 days you must want those extra days with your baby and you would miss out on those.

When I had my first child it wasn't the norm to work as flexibly a it is now and I worked full time for a couple of years. I dont recognize your description at all, I had a cleaner, weekends were spent during all the usual child centred things, I have no idea what chores I should have been doing nor what firsts I missed

I have no regrets at all, I did what I had to do at the time and now my children are much older I am confident to say that it has no negative effects

Given that OH is onboard and can do a good lot of pick up and drop off, and you will only be in the office 2 days a week, so other days will see DC and the job has some many other plus point I would go for it. My experience is that before school in someway often works well to work full time - more tricky when at school due to holidays etc etc

@KarmaStar

I take it both you and your partner are unemployed then? Becayse surely if its not ok for a mum to miss out on these precious baby years its not ok for a dad?

@MumGuilt3000

Take the job and don't feel guilty.

Once you've got the job try and figure out if you and your partner can both drop a day.

If not, it will be fine but it's worth a go asking.

No one would even give this a second thought if you were a man

I’d do it, OP. Do the full time now, get the routine established (nursery or childminder, your choice) and then aim to drop a day next year. By the time they start school you might need to change routine again, so being established and happy with your employer is a big deal. You’re more likely to be able to juggle a return to FT work with a good employer than suffer through PT with a crap one.

And if there’s redundancy worries with your DP’s job even more future-proofing to have you in the right employment. I’d ask him to seriously consider working compressed hours himself, or straight dropping a day to 4 days.

I wouldn't do it. Also when my DC started nursery they were sick all the fucking time and it was hard enough juggling that with working part time.

It wouldn’t have been for me but friends that did it don’t have any regrets. In my group of close ‘mum’ friends, the ones who were SAHMs and the ones who worked FT when the kids were babies both seemed happier with their choices. I think the ones who worked PT sometimes felt like they were getting the worst of both worlds - but that’s very anecdotal and also based on people working jobs that you couldn’t really switch off at home, so 3 days leaked into 4 or 5.

I think your child will be happier if you are, so I would.

Do it. And then if your dh is made redundant he can take a year out to look after your ds.

Son many women struggle with this issue. I dont see any dads struggling to make this decision.

Do it. Short term pain long term gain. You will improve your long term salary and gain from higher pension conts.

I would definitely take it. I worked part time when kids were young and tbh barely remember those years now anyway (thank goodness I took lots of photos!) I'm not sure I'd go for 5 days a week in nursery ideally (though lots of my friends did and it had a positive impact on the kids if anything). Can a childminder/grandparents help for a day or so?

Take the job. No brainer. Your child will only be really young for a short time and this is a game changer for your family financially and will be a huge leg up for your career. You may not get another opportunity like this and your current job sounds quite dead end.

Ignore the martyrdom about full time childcare. Millions of children are in full time childcare and thrive in it. Anxiety about this is understandable but it’s absolutely not a reason to sabotage a career opportunity which will massively benefit your kids over the long term. Financial security and the benefits of a happy, focused and productive mum greatly outweigh the need for you to be with them 24/7 and as long as you make sure you spend some quality time with them this is ultimately better than you derailing your whole life so you can be the only person who cares for them.

I agree with this. I've been both full time working mum and SAHP and tbh both have been really good for us.

From what I see of my PT friends, work expect them to be FT but on less pay and home expect them to be SAHP. They are way more frazzled than the other 2 groups.

I'd take it and agree to review the hours in September but not commit to definitely going FT. Make sure your contract says 3 days. Then refuse to amend it saying the role is as much as you can manage; let them bring in a job share if they need more hours.

Honestly employers try this shit all the time, stand your ground. If you're good at the job then by September they'll have invested in you and won't want to lose you.

If it were 4 days I would do it but (if affordable) I wouldn’t do it f/t. I would however let them down in the most polite and reasonable way possible to leave the door open to future opportunities.

working a demanding role full time saps a lot from you - it’s not just the hours out of the house. Pre-school years can be magic if you’re not pushed to the wall.

it’s a difficult decision though - good luck

OP, it's clear from your post that you would really welcome this opportunity, plus it offers a significant salary increase & additional benefits.

Definitely go for it - you being happy and fulfilled is the best indicator of family happiness including your DC's!

You also have a supportive & involved spouse and the ability to pay for a cleaner. Really helpful.

I am a single parent, have worked full time nearly always and find it really hard because I've no support but from a work point of view, f/t is better than p/t in my experience.

The posters talking about missing out are being ridiculous - OP will see plenty of her DC, and be a great parent, there when it matters.

Terrible terrible advice.

Imagine intentionally setting your employer up like this 🤦🏻‍♀️

@EarringsandLipstick if you work FT, unless your employment is flexible, you do miss loads especially when they are in the first years at school. There are many opportunities when parents can be involved then. Those things might not interest you, so won't bother you if you miss them, but for other parents they are things that they will want to have some involvement in, and so try to either work PT or have flexible working. It is something to consider when considering FT working. School holidays are also something to consider. It is actually much easier to be FT when children can be in FT childcare, finding childcare for school holidays can be a nightmare depending where you live, or after school care too if you work long hours/have long commute. Where I live there is only one provider of holiday club, and that is only 10 - 4 so doesn't actually help many working parents!

OP has said that 2 days of the week she won't see DC at all, that can be tough

Depends on how much you enjoy spending time with DC. No I'm not being facetious! I genuinely found the early years a complete struggle and really didn't enjoy it. I suffered from PND and a few other painful health issues when DC was under 2 and I was personally relieved to go back to work when DC was 6 months.

I did 4 days initially, and DH did his shared parental leave, when DC reached 1 I went back full time as did DH. Whilst we didn't strictly need the money, the fact that I significantly earn more than we paid nursery for a day's care meant that we were several hundreds of pounds better off for working FT.

DC is now 6, and a very socially confident happy child, so clearly being in nursery FT had no negative effect on their development. I think you really do have to consider long term OP what is best for you? More money, more opportunity and with potential long term redundancy on the cards I'd want to be in as best financial situation as possible.

Thanks for all your replies so far.

I won't be doing what @bumpytrumpy suggests, that's a fast way to piss off an employer, my contact and probably a one way ticket to dismissal. They aren't stupid, they aren't going to agree to three days on a permanent basis in the contract.

However I am hoping there might be scope to negotiate 4 days in 5 so I'll have 5 shorter days, as I think this could make a real difference. Also looking at option to go back down to part time after Sep 2024. Although I'm not sure how willing they'll be to commit to this in writing and of course there's always the risk they'll say yes now and no later.

The money would make a huge difference to us. We certainly aren't badly off now, but this could open up private school for DC and we could even maybe consider a nanny, which might work better. Although judging by the other nanny and WFH thread going on at the moment, I'm wary this may not work well as DH is pretty much FT WFH and I'd be at home 3 days. Previously I've not been keen on childminders for us. There's a history of CSA in the family and I feel nursery is safer. This is probably completely over the top and I'm sure people will be telling me this very quickly! Although I'm torn because I obviously recognise the benefits of being in a home from home setting. GPs not an option unfortunately.

DH and I have some talking to do. I wish I had a crystal ball!

To answer a point made by PP, I love my DC to the ends of the earth but she is a high needs baby and I've found the last year very tough. I'm looking forward to using my brain and finding myself again!

Nursery is a much easier option from the pov of sickness and holidays. Also they feed dc 3x a day so you're not having to fit in breakfast or make pack lunches.

OP, once you've been there a few months it'll be easier to see what is and isn't possible from a flex working perspective. I do 33 hours over 5 days which is 2 long days and 3 days I finish at 2.30. I honestly don't think 2 long days a week is the end of the world and it's good for dc to see Dad is just as capable of cooking tea, doing bedtime etc.

If there's concerns about redundancy for DH absolutely you should take this job. Working PT for less money won't feel like a treat when you're eating baked beans on toast every day!

Institutionalised? JFC.

Fwiw my parents both worked full time in high paying jobs, and it provided my brother and I with a great quality life with a lot of opportunities and experiences. We’ve never been anything other than appreciative of them for that, and neither of us feel like we missed out by them doing that. The opposite, in fact.

I see no reason why you shouldn’t go for it.