Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take this job despite negative impact on DC?

241 replies

MumGuilt3000 · 22/04/2023 08:42

NC for this as have also posted elsewhere and apologies for slightly dramatic title, I don't really think this would be detrimental to DC per se, I just couldn't think of a better way to word it!

I'm currently on mat leave with 1 yo DC, due to return at the end of May. I like my job in the sense that I love my colleagues, but the quality of work is crap and things have apparently changed a lot since I've been on mat leave. Targets have gone up, pay has not increased relatively and expectations are generally getting bigger without much in return. I've been wanting to move on for some time, but the pandemic and then pregnancy put that all on hold for a while.

I've been looking for a new job for a while but nothing suitable has come up. I've agreed 3 days a week on my return with my current employer and in the office once or twice a week. Overall they're pretty flexible about how and when I work, so long as client needs are met - along with targets.

Last week a potential new role came up which would be a huge payrise (think £30k FTE) with better benefits and very similar targets and expectations. Also a huge improvement in quality of work. It's also comforting because I know someone who works there and I'm confident I'd be happy there because she is and I know her personality. They're happy for me to start on 3 or 4 days BUT the catch is they'd want me to go full time from September.

This wasn't the plan - DC is going to nursery 3 days a week and I thought this would be the perfect balance for us. However, this is a really great opportunity and given the huge improvements in all areas of the job, I feel I'd be really stupid to miss out. At the same time, I feel so guilty for putting DC into nursery full time and missing so much time with them when they're so little. It's likely they'll be an only child and I worry I'd regret the decision later on. I'd be in the office 2 days a week and I'd be out of the house from 7.30-7.30 at least on those days, so basically won't see DC.

Now I know I'm incredibly privileged to be in this position and many people have no choice but to work full time and utilise full time childcare, so this post isn't meant to be insensitive and I certainly don't judge anyone who puts their DC in full time, but this wasn't what I'd planned for.

So, AIBU to go for a new role which would make a huge difference to both my career and our finances, even though it would mean DC being in FT childcare, rather than 3 days a week?

OP posts:
Original poster
MumGuilt3000 · 23/04/2023 12:46

Thank you all for your replies, it's made for interesting reading. I thought the point about them actually needing you more as they got older was particularly interesting and I hadn't thought about that at all. I'm too wrapped up in the here and now, but it makes perfect sense!

I agree with those who say the comments about missing out are always aimed at women. It's just accepted that men will work full time and therefore spend less time with their DC and no one bats an eyelid.

I've decided I'm going to go for it. This is a huge opportunity and the ramifications for our family are life changing, if I'm successful. I also know how important job satisfaction and professional success are it to me and how much I'll regret this if it pass it up and then I'm stuck back in my dead end role where I'm underappreciated and to be frank, they're taking the piss with salary.

My child is my world and I love her more than anything but I am a person too. I've sacrificed a lot to give her the best first year that I can and that was after a rough pregnancy and ivf. I've seen from my own DM how life as a sahp can be amazing and completely fulfilling for some mothers, but I don't think that's me. I've worked bloody hard to get where I am, I love what I do and I want to give my daughter the best of everything I can. I'm frightened by the state of schools and the NHS and I want to be able to help her if/when she needs it.

I'm going to chat with them about compressed hours/4 days across 5/possible PT later on and we'll see what they say. But ultimately a lot could change between now and September 2024 and I'll be going for it regardless.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 23/04/2023 12:50

Good stuff op

Janedoelondon · 23/04/2023 13:16

Nousernamesleftatall · 22/04/2023 10:19

I wouldn’t but that’s me. You won’t get those years back.

I never understand this phrase - no one gets any years back in life? You only live once! Hmm

SunSparkle · 23/04/2023 13:21

MumGuilt3000 · 22/04/2023 09:22

To answer questions...

No, no enhanced mat pay to pay back (another bone of contention with current role!) And yes DH fully understands and is excellent with DC and splitting the load. There is the possibility he could drop a day, but it isn't a given and isn't necessarily a desirable option at any rate. However his work is flexible so he will ne able to do more than his share of pick ups, drop offs and sick days. Will definitely hire a cleaner, we had one previously but post pandemic it was no longer working for us.

3 day a week jobs are vanishingly rare in my profession. 4 days is quite common. There is a specific reason they'd want me full time from September, but it is in theory possible I could drop back down to 4 days after a year. It may also be possible to do 4 days over 5, I need to ask them on Monday.

Me and my partner do 10 days in 9 and then our child is in nursery 4 days a week. I do drop off and work 8:30 to 4:50 and my partner does pick up and works 8 til 4:30.

this way of condensing hours felt fair to both of our careers, meant only an 8-5 day in nursery and saved paying for nursery for Fridays.

is this a consideration? It’s less taxing than doing 5 days compressed into 4 which I find never works particularly well and is very long days.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/04/2023 13:33

Guiltridden12345 · 22/04/2023 22:58

I think full time nursery care for small babies is so sad. 12 hour days without a parent is a long time. Your child with be with other people for most of their waking hours. You will miss so much. If you absolutely have to, it’s a no brainer, but if you have a choice then why would you not want to spend more time with what you say might be your only child?

My baby loves nursery. There’s no need to feel sad for them.

Pipsquiggle · 23/04/2023 13:37

Great update OP. Hope the job goes well.

BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 23/04/2023 13:45

Brilliant update. The new job sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you and one which will benefit your whole family.

Original poster
MumGuilt3000 · 23/04/2023 15:56

SunSparkle · 23/04/2023 13:21

Me and my partner do 10 days in 9 and then our child is in nursery 4 days a week. I do drop off and work 8:30 to 4:50 and my partner does pick up and works 8 til 4:30.

this way of condensing hours felt fair to both of our careers, meant only an 8-5 day in nursery and saved paying for nursery for Fridays.

is this a consideration? It’s less taxing than doing 5 days compressed into 4 which I find never works particularly well and is very long days.

Show quote history

Yes this is also possible, but I'm thinking 4 days spread over 5 so I have 5 shorter days but I'm more available for clients/partners. Means paying more for nursery, but might be more attractive to them.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 23/04/2023 16:47

@MumGuilt3000 the only issue with having 5 shorter days is that they will ultimately morph into 5 normal days and you only get paid for the shorter hours. I used to do 3 days then changed to 4 days when one of my colleagues left so they didn't have 2 days without staff covering our particular work. But I agreed to slightly shorten 2 of my days, so my actual hours only went up about 2. Nursery was same price for whatever hours in the afternoon, so ended up paying an extra day in nursery for not much more pay, and also found that my 2 shorter days weren't really that much shorter as I always ended up having to finish off some work and DS didn't like missing his tea at nursery!

riotlady · 23/04/2023 17:35

Hope it all goes well!

I honestly think in many ways this is the best/easiest time to work full time. I was studying when my DD was 9 months- 3 and her nursery hours varied depending on whether I was at uni (3-4 days) or on placement (full time) and I don’t think she hugely noticed. She was happy and settled. Now she’s in reception and out working hours make a much bigger difference in terms of being able to collect from school, go to the park with her friends, do extra curriculars, attend all the nativity/sports day/“literacy share hour” stuff.

Original poster
MumGuilt3000 · 23/04/2023 17:40

toomuchlaundry · 23/04/2023 16:47

@MumGuilt3000 the only issue with having 5 shorter days is that they will ultimately morph into 5 normal days and you only get paid for the shorter hours. I used to do 3 days then changed to 4 days when one of my colleagues left so they didn't have 2 days without staff covering our particular work. But I agreed to slightly shorten 2 of my days, so my actual hours only went up about 2. Nursery was same price for whatever hours in the afternoon, so ended up paying an extra day in nursery for not much more pay, and also found that my 2 shorter days weren't really that much shorter as I always ended up having to finish off some work and DS didn't like missing his tea at nursery!

This a very valid consideration, thank you. Perhaps I would just be better saying I will need some flexibility re nursery pick ups etc.

OP posts:
ladymaiasura · 23/04/2023 17:43

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/04/2023 09:50

@ladymaiasura almost all mothers want to be there for their small children. That’s motherhood and apple pie (forgive the pun). It’s so obvious it doesn’t need stating.

But the OP’s dilemma is: is a few more months of hands on FT childcare really worth passing up a life changing amount of money? I would say the family will benefit far more from the extra money (and the longer term benefit to the OP’s earning power) than a few extra months of her singing “wind the bobbin up” and going around the park

I’m not being dismissive about this btw. Good care of young children is hugely important but the idea that all of this has to be done by the biological parent or the family will suffer is routinely used as a way to hold women back from achieving critical financial independence. And there’s no credible evidence that a working mum does any harm to the children. So why keep banging on and making women feel shit about advancing themselves?

I have not once stated that hands on care has to be done by a biological parent. I am not trying to make anyone feel shit about their choices and have explicitly stated that my nephew with two full time working parents is thriving. They miss things that I would be sad to miss but their priorities are different and that is absolutely fine because it works for their family.

ladymaiasura · 23/04/2023 17:57

EarringsandLipstick · 23/04/2023 10:40

@ladymaiasura

I responded directly to each of your points so I'm not sure why you are shifting perspective in your follow up post.

In short, I made it clear that it's possible to be an engaged parent, having quality time with your DC, and also work f/t

And 'inferring judgment'? Your own words were assumptive and judgmental as you could only see one perspective in the post I quoted from you (you're now shifting position it appears).

I’m not shifting position at all. I never stated that you can’t be an engaged parent and work full time. In the post you quoted I explicitly said that kids wouldn’t suffer from having a working parent so I’m not sure how you’ve managed to infer judgement and lack of perspective.

G5000 · 24/04/2023 08:01

Great update. And yes I would also rather ask for flexibility - in my case, I am there for most school pick ups, then drop kids to their various activities (or bring home) and do a couple of hours from home. Works very well.

And hand on heart I have no regrets that I wasn't there more when they were babies. They had a loving childminder whose family is still like a second home for them and they do not seem to be damaged in any way. They have clearly benefitted from the financial stability, especially when 2 companies where DH worked went out of business..

MaryShelley1818 · 24/04/2023 09:06

I personally wouldn't but I wouldn't judge anyone for doing it.
After maternity leave with my first I negotiated returning 3 long days a week. It was really important for me to still have that 1-1 time with him and I really didn't want him to spend more time at nursery than with me.
When he was 2 an opportunity came up for me to do a degree which was paid for by work and so I started University one day a week too.
We've since had DD who's now 2 and my degree finishes in 6wks. I've been offered a new position, a lot more money but I made it clear I'd only consider 5 over 4 as I wasn't willing to give up my day with DD. I would have turned it down and kept looking if that wasn't agreed.
I have to do a lot of extra work on evenings and weekends (after children are asleep) to get the hours in but it's worth it to have my day with her.

Pippylongstock · 24/04/2023 18:47

I loved your update. I think it’s a great plan given your circumstances. Good luck with the next steps

New posts on this thread. Refresh page