To take this job despite negative impact on DC?

[MumGuilt3000]

NC for this as have also posted elsewhere and apologies for slightly dramatic title, I don't really think this would be detrimental to DC per se, I just couldn't think of a better way to word it!

I'm currently on mat leave with 1 yo DC, due to return at the end of May. I like my job in the sense that I love my colleagues, but the quality of work is crap and things have apparently changed a lot since I've been on mat leave. Targets have gone up, pay has not increased relatively and expectations are generally getting bigger without much in return. I've been wanting to move on for some time, but the pandemic and then pregnancy put that all on hold for a while.

I've been looking for a new job for a while but nothing suitable has come up. I've agreed 3 days a week on my return with my current employer and in the office once or twice a week. Overall they're pretty flexible about how and when I work, so long as client needs are met - along with targets.

Last week a potential new role came up which would be a huge payrise (think £30k FTE) with better benefits and very similar targets and expectations. Also a huge improvement in quality of work. It's also comforting because I know someone who works there and I'm confident I'd be happy there because she is and I know her personality. They're happy for me to start on 3 or 4 days BUT the catch is they'd want me to go full time from September.

This wasn't the plan - DC is going to nursery 3 days a week and I thought this would be the perfect balance for us. However, this is a really great opportunity and given the huge improvements in all areas of the job, I feel I'd be really stupid to miss out. At the same time, I feel so guilty for putting DC into nursery full time and missing so much time with them when they're so little. It's likely they'll be an only child and I worry I'd regret the decision later on. I'd be in the office 2 days a week and I'd be out of the house from 7.30-7.30 at least on those days, so basically won't see DC.

Now I know I'm incredibly privileged to be in this position and many people have no choice but to work full time and utilise full time childcare, so this post isn't meant to be insensitive and I certainly don't judge anyone who puts their DC in full time, but this wasn't what I'd planned for.

So, AIBU to go for a new role which would make a huge difference to both my career and our finances, even though it would mean DC being in FT childcare, rather than 3 days a week?

Go for it. Yes there might be many threads about tired working parents, but there are way more about people financially struggling. Children can live on fresh air and happy memories only for so long.
This money will allow you to outsource some boring tasks - I never spend my Saturdays cleaning the house, I have a cleaner who makes sure the house is sparkling. And as pp said - part time is often the worst of both worlds. Work sees you as someone not interested in career even if you do full time work for less of the money. And everybody else sees you as 'only working part time' so almost a SAHM; therefore you end up doing all that a SAHM does as well, as the full time working DH needs to rest and relax.

@Botw1 DH had a job with reasonably long hours but tried to always be home for DS’s bedtime. He would never have taken a job which meant for 2 days a week he wouldn’t see DS at all.

His job was also flexible enough so he could make sports day, plays and parents’ evening, take DS to clubs occasionally. He would not have wanted to miss those opportunities. Might have meant he took slightly longer to progress his career but these are things to think about when looking at career paths and having a family

I work 3 days per week with a 3yo and a 1yo. I am pretty good at my job and i am routinely asked by my company to be promoted to a full time role, but i refuse every single time.
This is the time for me to be at home with them. To enjoy them. To be bored with them. This time will never come back.

@toomuchlaundry

Sounds like ops job could be fairly flexible

3 days wfh. Potential to reduce hours

Sounds like a great compromise

My job meant potentially not seeing the kids 3 days a week when they were small.

It was fine. I never missed out on anything because of how flexible it was.

@Typeheretosearch

Does your oh also work part time?

Go for it! It's only two days in the office and the rest WFH so you'll see DC plenty. Also they are already 1, so most of the big 'firsts' have already happened?

I went back FT in the office when DS1 was 16 months. It was really totally fine. I did the nursery drop-off and saw him for 1-2 hours in the evening, always did bedtime etc. Had a wonderful time with him every weekend.

He really enjoyed his nursery and it gave him a lot of social skills especially as he was an only child at the time. I did have a part-time nanny in the afternoons so he wasn't at nursery all day and could nap at home - but I think full time nursery would have been ok too. He had lovely relationships with his nursery teachers.

I was also ready to go back, and much as I loved being with him, I needed adult company and to use my brain too! It worked well.

And also - in the nicest possible way - he is now 6 and doesn't remember a bloody thing about any of it! As long as he's happy and well looked after, and you're happy and fulfilled, then all good

This is a great response. I'd also add with the payrise you'll be able to afford a cleaner, if you wanted, to further free up weekends. Go for it!

Oh and 100% get a cleaner. It was and is a big benefit of us both working FT that we never spend our weekends doing chores.

@pinachina Cross-post! You're obviously on my wavelength

@lifesnotaspectatorsport I was going to say something similar- my DS went to nursery 4 days a week (8am to 6pm), is now 6 and hardly remembers any of it either! He's a well adjusted child, I am not worried about it having had some invisible effect on him that will put him in therapy when he's 21.

He's too young to be aware now that it's 5 days on the trot, they just take each day as it comes at least until they are about 3.

That said OP, full time will feel like quite a lot to hi I am sure in terms of the time that you would like to spend with him. I haven't worked more than 4 days a week since DC (also an only) was born, but I was lucky in that my role was very suited to that. I did used to enjoy our Friday outings together. On the other hand, once he goes to school you'll be free to work full time because he'll be there 5 days a week. So we are only talking about what to do in the next 3 years. In your position I think I'd go for it now and suck up what they want just to cement my work reputation. but try to gain my employer's trust so I could get down to 4 days a week by the time he is 3, moving back to 5 again after school starts.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. But £30k a year extra is an enormous amount of money. It’s a whole other salary. And as much as people like to make working mothers feel bad, there’s a lot of research suggesting that socioeconomic status is the single biggest predictor of a child’s life outcomes.

And if your DH’s job is precarious surely it makes sense for you to earn as much as possible now?

We both work full time with a 14 month old. Nursery is honestly amazing for him, and I was so nervous about it before. He loves his key worker, and they do so many activities with him and day trips out etc - we get videos, photos, a write up of his day, and food etc. He likes being with the other children.

We both work two days a week in the office, but that means someone is nearly always at home. Which sounds similar to your set up. So we can drop him just before 9am, and pick him up just after 5pm. Means he gets 3+ hours with us on the morning, and 2 hours with us in the evening before bedtime. To be honest we don't both need to work now, but like you say, it opens up so many opportunities for him later. We are thinking pay the mortgage down, and take a career break when he's older and will remember it. Maybe do some travelling, live abroad for a bit etc, and ease up then. As people say, I think the early school years are going to be the toughest and more flexibility then will be good

So in your shoes I'd go for it! And try to negotiate some flexibility later on, once you've gained some favour by being there

There’s a lot of research suggesting that socioeconomic status is the single biggest predictor of a child’s life outcomes.

Money is a dirty word on MN, what kind of cold hearted mother would exchange those special memories of nappy-changes against cash. But I'm certain that being financially comfortable is much better for my DC than strugging but with more memories (mine, not theirs) from when they were 12 months old.

@KarmaStar what was the point of having her then returning to work

What a vile thing to say to a new mum

This!

And sexist- nobody ever said that to a Dad, did they?

Op I was nodding along thinking great until you said only child.

I would not take it at the moment or barter them down to what you want.

your kid will hardly remember before they were 7 or 8, that’s just the truth.
As long as they are properly cared for and as long as you’re a full parent when you are around (which I think means getting a cleaner as a bare minimum), all will be fine. You also need a husband who pulls his weight.
We both work FT. Our kids are older and thriving. Also the money we have means we have lovely family holidays, they can do any clubs they want to, we don’t worry about eating out as a family etc. it’s great and I wouldn’t swap it

@IAmTheWalrus85

Surely that has to have some context?
I mean does being the daughter of a billionaire make life enhancememts more than the daughter of a millionaire?

Calculation has been done to say we are happy when x needs are met but anything over doesn't bring happiness.

Looking at a working life from 18? 21 to 70 ish I would be very careful with one dc to make sure I got what they needed and I wanted out of those 3/4 years.
It really does go in a flash and they are so incredibly important. They reckon dc are almost fixed and formed by 5!

@BHRK

Arf.

And yet that's the exact time when their brains and emotions are at their most critical and biggest growth! It's a crucial time for them... But yeah.. They won remember 😗

I would push for a more flexible contract. For example, I have a full time contract (35 hrs) but I can broadly work whichever hours I like as long as I attend certain meetings. I have a regular day off in the week where everyone knows I’m not available and then completely manage my own diary. I’m flexible in return when asked, but it’s rare.

If they want you for the job, push for as much flex as possible and see if you think that will give you what you desire in terms of work/life balance. If it doesn’t, then don’t go for it.

@BHRK does that mean you never did anything exciting with your DC, took them anywhere new etc before they were 7 because they wouldn't remember it.

@Conductpolicy

Do you give the same advice to men?

God these threads are so horrible to women who work full time. Everyone’s family is different and we all make decisions for different reasons. Putting your child in full time nursery is fine.

If you pick a good nursery then you will feel peace of mind knowing they are safe and well. It sounds like the company you would be working for an open minded (hiring during your mat leave is a good sign). Negotiating working 5 days over four may be a great option. I drove myself potty working part time when I had two. There is no option for job share. I was simply paid less to do the same amount of work. That would also give your family more stability if your husband’s job is at risk. The other thing is nothing is set in stone, you can always find a new path if this one doesn’t work for you.