To take this job despite negative impact on DC?

[MumGuilt3000]

NC for this as have also posted elsewhere and apologies for slightly dramatic title, I don't really think this would be detrimental to DC per se, I just couldn't think of a better way to word it!

I'm currently on mat leave with 1 yo DC, due to return at the end of May. I like my job in the sense that I love my colleagues, but the quality of work is crap and things have apparently changed a lot since I've been on mat leave. Targets have gone up, pay has not increased relatively and expectations are generally getting bigger without much in return. I've been wanting to move on for some time, but the pandemic and then pregnancy put that all on hold for a while.

I've been looking for a new job for a while but nothing suitable has come up. I've agreed 3 days a week on my return with my current employer and in the office once or twice a week. Overall they're pretty flexible about how and when I work, so long as client needs are met - along with targets.

Last week a potential new role came up which would be a huge payrise (think £30k FTE) with better benefits and very similar targets and expectations. Also a huge improvement in quality of work. It's also comforting because I know someone who works there and I'm confident I'd be happy there because she is and I know her personality. They're happy for me to start on 3 or 4 days BUT the catch is they'd want me to go full time from September.

This wasn't the plan - DC is going to nursery 3 days a week and I thought this would be the perfect balance for us. However, this is a really great opportunity and given the huge improvements in all areas of the job, I feel I'd be really stupid to miss out. At the same time, I feel so guilty for putting DC into nursery full time and missing so much time with them when they're so little. It's likely they'll be an only child and I worry I'd regret the decision later on. I'd be in the office 2 days a week and I'd be out of the house from 7.30-7.30 at least on those days, so basically won't see DC.

Now I know I'm incredibly privileged to be in this position and many people have no choice but to work full time and utilise full time childcare, so this post isn't meant to be insensitive and I certainly don't judge anyone who puts their DC in full time, but this wasn't what I'd planned for.

So, AIBU to go for a new role which would make a huge difference to both my career and our finances, even though it would mean DC being in FT childcare, rather than 3 days a week?

Of course it isn’t unreasonable. Mothers are allowed to work full time and enjoy their careers.

I went back to work full time when my baby was 12 weeks. I haven’t missed any firsts so far.

Part time isn’t for me at all.

Just to add both my children had periods of full time nursery and are both very well adjusted children.

@Botw1

I don't know what you mean.

It's pretty obvious that any small child is usually better with a parent who loves them and is invested in them more than anyone else? Surley most parents are bonded with their dc enough to want to spend time with them as much as they can and give that child the love and support to develop safely.

But two parents can't stay at home usually at the same time so it comes down to who earns the most.

I think it's starting to balance out but it's mostly men unfortunately who miss that precious time. I've often seen it with men later in life only with grandchildren do they realise how much they missed out on with their own dc.

@Conductpolicy

You do know what I mean

Do you advise men not to work so that they don't miss out on spending time with their children

You've answered no.

Because its ok for men to miss out if they earn more

Op is going to earn 30k more.

If DH is WFH could he be flexible with his hours and do some of the childcare when you’re at work and then finish work once you’re back?

@toomuchlaundry not at all, we did loads. The point I’m making is that women are told to feel guilty for working during these very early years when the truth is that the “precious memories being made” are mostly for the parent. It’s perfectly possible to work, spend hours and hours with your child, not ruin their brains, and be a wonderful, loving parent

Hmm. I love my son to distraction but Georgia at nursery was much better at playing with him in the mud kitchen. Hannah at preschool taught him how to plant a herb garden whereas I don't know one end of a trowel from the other. On the other hand, their story reading was not a patch on mine and my DH is the king of numbers.

And playing with other kids is pretty important for happiness and social development. Just like being at work is socially and mentally important for the grown ups

There are a lot of hours in the day, I don't really subscribe to the idea that time with parents is about quantity rather than quality. I mean, I'm not advocating boarding school at age 5 or anything, but I think that kids can go to nursery and still have a deep and loving bond with their parents, as well as getting extra benefit.

I do agree with this tbh. See about another different job. I am full time in a big job and held off until my youngest was 3 /4 ish and I do agree those early years are particularly precious. Primary school is relentless - I love being at work for some of those pick ups...

Given that OP says a £30k pay increase would make a very significant difference to their lives, and that her DH’s job is potentially at risk, I suspect she’s neither a millionaire nor a billionaire.

I would take the job and see how it goes. It sounds like the role/company is a good fit and opportunities like this do not come along regularly. Better to give it a go than have regrets.

If you don't take it, you may always wonder 'If only I had taken it,.......'

I am mid 40s and I know so many women who have been SAHM or are part time trying to get back into the work place or get a bigger role and it's really, really hard. Your future self will thank you.

I have a lovely bond with my baby but I’m also more than just a mum. I enjoy my career and wouldn’t progress if I worked part time.

I enjoy spending time with him but I don’t want to spend all of my time with him.

@BHRK But surely having those memories when they are little is important too. DH made sure he could be around as much as possible. So all those saying men wouldn't even be thinking about this when looking at a new job, he would. He didn't want to miss out on things any more than I did.

When DS was little, I worked PT and DS went to nursery (so I am not against working mums or childcare) but one thing that got to us at that time, was DS was sort of caught up in the life of commuter/working world at a very early age. He commuted with us, as his nursery was close to where we worked and he had similar time off from nursery as we had from work (so unless you split your holidays, a child in FT childcare would have 4 weeks off from there) His downtime at home was pretty much the same as ours when I was working, and it felt a bit crap that we were starting him off on that journey at 1yo, whereas we didn't really start that journey until we had left university.

I’d take the job, 100%. You realise that children need you more as they get older (and get more expensive) and the reality is you’ll progress further in your career working FT. That means lots more flexibility, possibly even dropping down a day for the same equivalent salary now in the future.

@toomuchlaundry

Did your oh go part time as well?

Interestingly, I am also mid 40s and know quite a few friends who are trying to go PT and their companies 'just can't do without them' 5 days a week.

Personally, I'll never work 5 days again. I work 4 long days and it works for us. If I could drop to 3 days I would but my role just couldn't do it.

@MumGuilt3000 if you can get a clause added in your EA that you will be PT from month/year (you said in a year you could maybe go PT) then I'd consider it. But otherwise, no way.

The only thing with nursery is they are always ringing you to pick them up when they are ill. I think a nanny would suit that situation better than nursery.

I would do it though. They might even let you stay part time… worth a punt.

I don't think there much difference in child attending nursery part-time versus full time. In some respect children who go full time adjust better. I personally would take the job

The extra money would allow OP to provide her children with a lot in terms of opportunities and experience, in the short, medium and even long term future if she continues to progress. That isn’t without value, or even of lesser value, of spending more time with them now. I personally do think what my parents were able to provide from working full time benefited my brother and I more than my mother staying at home would have. I’ve never thought poorly on my parents, and indeed have always been appreciative of them.

I don’t see the issue here. You will have fulfilling mornings, evenings, and weekends with your children. They will have productive and fulfilling experiences at nursery and you will be progressing in a career and job that you enjoy. It’s a no brainier, and your children won’t suffer, come on now.

@Botw1 we did in fact look at both of us going to 4 days a week but it wasn't possible at the time, but he changed where he worked so his job could be more flexible and so was able to spend more time with DS. His career was going further than mine, and although same profession he was always more career focussed than me. However, he wasn't on such a fast track promotion course as his male peers who didn't give their family as high a priority and were willing to work all hours and leave anything child related to their spouses.

Even if we had not had children I would not have wanted to progress much further in my career as being a senior manager/partner was never on my wish list, whereas it was on DH's. In his senior role he also ensures that work/life balance is very important for his staff and that if they need to work around family life they can (male or female). He still comes up against male leaders who don't think family life is important and it should all be left to the woman, and find it weird that he cares so much about family life.

That's a weird way to think about it. Why have a much less social and beneficial arrangement for the child, alone instead of amongst peers, with only home facilities or bouncing around toddler groups, just to cater for a few occasions when they might be sick? Plenty of professional jobs are fine with allowing flexibility to deal with occasional illness. And OP will be WFH a lot, won't want a nanny there with her child during the day.

I'm definitely not a millionaire or billionaire!

This is possibly a drip feed (sorry) but DH is a fair bit older than me and will likely be retiring in the next 5 or so years - if he isn't made redundant first. He has okay-ish pensions, but we really need me to be earning a good wage to maintain our lifestyle. Mortgage will be paid off by then so that's not a concern. I suppose the benefit of this is that he'll be around all the time for DC when they're at school. On the other hand, my pension is shocking but I've not worried too much as without sounding macabre, I'm likely to have access to enough cash and assets in my retirement not to worry.

@toomuchlaundry

Wasn't that bothered about missing out then...

know quite a few friends who are trying to go PT and their companies 'just can't do without them' 5 days a week.

So if your friends said that it's part time or I'm leaving, they would let your friends leave? Sounds odd if they really can't manage without them.

@toomuchlaundry

Sorry, that was unfair.

It's good your dh prioritises work life balance for himself and his staff

More should be like him