To not pay for family meal

[westenminster]

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

If you'd read through you'd know that's not true

This is in a nutshell, along with the thousands of pounds it would cost each of the siblings over the years if op continues to want to push for the birthday meals to continue 5/7 times a year. It feels quite controlling to pressure adults into spending their earnings in a certain way.

It's not that at all, you'll see, from reading back it's actually quite the opposite and and effort to make sure they don't feel left out. I'm sure if I hadn't have mentioned they were step children people would be less ready to attack

I think some people are confusing cannot with will not.

OP and her DH simply can't afford to pay for everyone, therefore people are free to choose to attend the meal or not, and/or go to get birthday cake at home on another date with no cost.

I wouldn't pay for one unless covering everyones meals.

No it makes no difference to whether they are step or related by blood. And you actually said upthread you wanted to give your dcs the same as your step dcs had. This is really about you wanting things a certain way when life moves on. As I said, your children are very blessed to have such a close family. The continuing cooperation, love and care of your stepchildren is worth far more than the expectation on them of meals out. It’s about treating them as individuals and adults, nothing more.

This is how I see it. All this angst that an adult in their twenties isn't overly arsed about attending a kiddies birthday meal is bizarre. I'm sure if OP hadn't said that the grown up kids were step, she'd have had very different responses.

This is exactly it. Much more succinctly put then my warblings, thanks

And @Freefall212 helping one out here and there is very different to paying for a meal for 10z. You've really missed the point.

If you offer to pay for one now, then you are setting a precedent that you will always pay if one of them can't afford it - and does that mean you will be paying for various partners as well? Will this still be expected when you are retired and living on a pension?

If you want to be equally fair to everyone, then just leave it that everyone is invited to come along it they want. If they don't want to - for whatever reason - thats fine - but everyone else pays their own way. Your younger ones will know you stopped paying for the older ones once they had moved out/earning, so they will know what to expect. If any of the older ones thinks this is unfair you could point out (and I am assuming this next bit) that when they were younger you weren't also paying for other relatives and their partners back then, it was just your immediate family, but the immediate family has grown somewhat since then..

Offering a birthday-tea thing seems a nice alternative.

You don't need to pay for 10. Only one is struggling and can't attend due to finances.

You do realise the 'older people ' are their siblings too? So yeah they might like them to come.i didn't read anything OP as bring peeved older kids had meals out more that she wants to make sure they feel included. It's not her husband saying it's too expensive it's one adult SC who sounds like they used being skint as an excuse to give it a miss

I don’t think you are mean. It’s expensive to pay for three adults and their partners. As an adult I’d expect to pay for me and my
partner if mum and dad took us out, so would my siblings - we all have children too and would be aware of how much it would cost them to pay for even just us as adults and no kids - it’s not fair.
I think the people saying you should pay whatever are missing the point. If your stepchild is happily spending money going out with her partner and her friends it isn’t that she can’t afford it - it’s that she has chosen to spend her money on other things. That’s totally different to a situation where she was a student or out of work and struggling.
I think the cake treat sounds lovely.
To take eight adults and two children out for a meal with puddings and booze (you mentioned they would want to drink) would be a huge chunk of our monthly food budget.

If they weren’t step children I don’t think you’d be refusing to pay for one of them. I think you’d be altering the plan so that everyone could attend or covering the cost of the one who can’t afford it (even if not their partner).

I also would say the same about the interest level - I don’t think it’d be reasonable to expect a 24 or 28 year old to want to attend birthday parties of an 11 or 12 year old, even if full siblings. It’s more like a niece or nephew relationship with those age gaps, surely.

I don’t think it’d be reasonable to expect a 24 or 28 year old to want to attend birthday parties of an 11 or 12 year old, even if full siblings

You probably have a good point, the older sibling probably isn't that bothered about attending LOs dinner but will happily go along if Dads paying, free meal out.

So I think Op is doing the right thing, you are more than welcome to come but we aren't paying for you all.

I think this is a bit ridiculous tbh. Surely there will be times where someone can't make it for whatever reason? Being not able to afford is a good reason. What happens when they all have families and kids? This birthday dinners will stop at some point? Instead of taking about loans and all this pettiness, just put out the invite and those who can attend should come. I think you should be paying though, if you want them to come. You are asking for someone else and their partner to spend money on an occasion, even if it's their sibling.

I think you are rude to invite people to your son’s birthday and expect them to pay. If you can’t afford the dinner out then do something at home for them and ask them to bring a bottle or dessert if you must. Sorry.

I think the basic issue is fairness. If the adult stepkids were always treated to a meal out on their birthdays, then it would be unfair towards the younger children if you were to suddenly stop that tradition. Don't take something nice away from your minor children because adults with their own jobs feel entitled to still getting free stuff from you.

As long as you use the same rule for all the children once they become adults, then there is nothing unfair about you and your dh deciding that adults will have to pay for their own meals at the birthday dinners of siblings who are still underage.

If some of the adult siblings cannot afford (or more likely, do not prioritize) spending money on birthday meals with their young siblings, then that is totally fine. There should be no pressure on them to come.

If the adult kids complain that you are unfair not to pay for their free meals on their siblings' birthdays, you can simply explain, "Betty, when you were Martha's age, you got to go to a nice restaurant on your birthday and it would be unfair to Martha if she didn't get the same. I simply do not understand why you are asking me to take something away from your sibling that you were able to enjoy at that age. That is not very fair to her."

If you would like, the family event can be cake at your house on the weekend for each person who celebrates their birthday. This way, everyone can attend, regardless of income, and you can even include partners (cake for each partner's birthday) if you wish. (Once they start having kids and you start celebrating the birthdays of your grandkids with family cake, this will basically become cake almost every weekend and I want to just point out, that partners may not take kindly to being expected to show up at their in-laws house almost every weekend to have cake for the birthday of every single member of the family. I'm just sayin').

Don't take away the traditional dinner "out" from your younger kids because the adult children feel entitled to free meals.

I think what you're doing is fine. They're not so keen to come that they'll pay for it, so call around for cake is perfect.

So to be clear, it's your DD's 9th birthday and you're going to eat at a place she has requested (and older siblings were treated the same way and offered the same opportunities when they were younger).

You issued a friendly open invite to DD's 3 twentysomething siblings to come along too – as you always do on such occasions. 2 of them have said 'yes, great we'd love to' (or words to that effect) and the third has said they can't afford it. Done and dusted then, isn't it? Maybe they can come next time when they can afford it.

I 100% agree with you that you can't treat one of the older ones and not all of them, that strikes me as being really off. You'd essentially be rewarding the one that isn't that bothered over the two who are making the effort, and who are paying for themselves and their partners.

This is it exactly xx

You have summarised the situation perfectly and given me a really helpful
Way of explaining things, thanks x

all I can say is - some people on here must be made of money! The way they talk of always paying for adult sons / daughters all the time

It would all depend on the situation. How would the siblings react if you paid for DSC? If they're the type to kick up a fuss and expect to be paid for, I'd totally understand why you're unwilling to pay.

As you've posted that DSC in question is out at the weekend with their partner, they've chosen to make that their priority rather than the birthday meal. That's their right-but you can't have it both ways. You can't claim to be unable to afford it and expect to have your parents pay whilst you're off out, spending money elsewhere that was inessential. I'd of course take a different view if that money went to essential bills etc.

So I think your suggestion of them coming for cake is fine. They've made their choice.

The reality is that in a family as children get older things change. I think in your situation I would go out as a family for a nice meal with just the 4 of you. Let his older children call to your house at the weekend for cake ect to celebrate the younger sibling birthday.

It think that it's time to change things to do what suits you and your pocket. Keep the big family meals out say for the major birthdays or to celebrate say an engagement.
His older children may not want to give up their free time at the weekends for a family meal.
Also as well as adults they are entitled to spend their earnings as they wish.

Go out with your husband and two children for a meal and have the big 3 at home over the weekend for tea and cake.

To clarify. All 3dsc and their partners work.
They earn similar wages, but obviously I would never assume that i know their outgoings/financial commitments. It's none of my business, how they spend their money is up to them

I simply noted that dsc does have means to go out with friends and buy clothes. They are not struggling. I do understand that this month, maybe they don't have extra funds to pay for coming out with us. Again, we never expected them to sacrifice their money to come.

We booked a meal and invited them so they wouldn't feel left out.

If they'd of said they were busy (which has happened) that too would have been accepted. We have never put any pressure on anyone to come. It was meant to be a nice gesture

Dh had said he'd pay for dsc so they wouldn't miss out but I'd queried if this was fair as the others aren't rolling in it either and we're willing to pay.

The situation gets even sticker because there's partners involved and dsc says her partner can't afford either . We could say don't bring partners but we're not like that!

And again. It's not that I'm not not prepared to pay for her, but I can't afford to pay for all 10 which I think is only fair, if we pay for her