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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
Noodles1234 · 21/04/2023 17:56

I agree with you, sometimes we cannot afford family birthday meals and I would be embarrassed if my parents offered to pay for me. I’d not enjoy the meal as would feel I’d have to order the cheapest thing on the menu and drink tap water / allude others to also getting a free meal from them.

love the cake idea and dsc independence.

Seaweed42 · 21/04/2023 18:11

Just go ahead with the people who want to be there.

These invitations are bit of a Catch 22 for these young people.
They are asked out for a meal. But they have to pay for themselves.

They can't really say No thanks because there will be a serious of weird texts from stepmother or Dad.
It's not a choice if you manipulate things to make sure they attend.

Unless they say 'I've a medical appointment at that time' they are utterly fucked because they can't get out of such a meal ever really, can they?

Like what reason could they actually give you that you would accept as OK?

CaptainSeven · 21/04/2023 18:21

Could you make a contribution to their bill (not the whole amount) and then make the same contribution to everyone's share?

Ie pay £15 towards their meal and the same for other DC?

That might be a good compromise. Yours is equally as good.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 18:32

CaptainSeven · 21/04/2023 18:21

Could you make a contribution to their bill (not the whole amount) and then make the same contribution to everyone's share?

Ie pay £15 towards their meal and the same for other DC?

That might be a good compromise. Yours is equally as good.

This seems a fair idea.
It will be a struggle, but looks like the only way

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 18:41

Seaweed42 · 21/04/2023 18:11

Just go ahead with the people who want to be there.

These invitations are bit of a Catch 22 for these young people.
They are asked out for a meal. But they have to pay for themselves.

They can't really say No thanks because there will be a serious of weird texts from stepmother or Dad.
It's not a choice if you manipulate things to make sure they attend.

Unless they say 'I've a medical appointment at that time' they are utterly fucked because they can't get out of such a meal ever really, can they?

Like what reason could they actually give you that you would accept as OK?

They can say no thanks, I'm busy and we'd accept that. There's never any pressure. It's an open invite that's been turned down before .

OP posts:
Offthexmaslist · 21/04/2023 18:50

Love MN parallel universe where 'I would just pay' is parroted.. OP has clearly said they can't afford it !! What do they do ? Shake the magic money tree ??

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 18:53

Offthexmaslist · 21/04/2023 18:50

Love MN parallel universe where 'I would just pay' is parroted.. OP has clearly said they can't afford it !! What do they do ? Shake the magic money tree ??

They just work harder, get second jobs and sacrifice their entire lives for their children. Come on.

1offnamechange · 21/04/2023 21:35

@Seaweed42 makes a good point - I know you said it's fine if they occasionally can't make these birthday days out but perhaps they do still feel awkward if they repeatedly refuse. In the future can you make it more of an opt in rather than opt out - so 'Me, DH and X are going out for Y's birthday, 8pm thurs at x place, let me know if any of you want to come, no worries if you're not feeling the meal, feel free to pop round before we go or on the weekend for some cake.'

you could be angsting over this while they are not bothered at all, and as pps have said just don't really want to go out at all for a much younger half sibling's birthday when they could spend that time/money on a few pints with their mates. You could decide to offer to pay for them and they get your message and think 'oh ffs now I have to try and think of another excuse, can't they accept I just cba to go out!'

1offnamechange · 21/04/2023 21:37

but yes all the passive aggressive 'Well I would just pay for them but then I love my children' posters are ridiculous, as are the 'well just shake your magic money tree, what do you mean you can't afford to pay for 3 course meals and drinks for ten people every other month?'

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 22:08

1offnamechange · 21/04/2023 21:37

but yes all the passive aggressive 'Well I would just pay for them but then I love my children' posters are ridiculous, as are the 'well just shake your magic money tree, what do you mean you can't afford to pay for 3 course meals and drinks for ten people every other month?'

Seriously? I’m cringing for you. Paying for one kid doesn’t mean you pay for ten. Calm yourself down now.

Liorae · 21/04/2023 22:18

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 22:08

Seriously? I’m cringing for you. Paying for one kid doesn’t mean you pay for ten. Calm yourself down now.

Show quote history

Some people would say that the parents have to make things fair and equal for all. It would not surprise me if the parents were met with wails of "it's not FAIR" if they paid for one and not the others. OP is wise to avoid this.

SchoolShenanigans · 21/04/2023 22:22

Honestly? In my family we'd have met at home so that everyone can be there.

emptythelitterbox · 21/04/2023 22:26

Seaweed42 · 21/04/2023 18:11

Just go ahead with the people who want to be there.

These invitations are bit of a Catch 22 for these young people.
They are asked out for a meal. But they have to pay for themselves.

They can't really say No thanks because there will be a serious of weird texts from stepmother or Dad.
It's not a choice if you manipulate things to make sure they attend.

Unless they say 'I've a medical appointment at that time' they are utterly fucked because they can't get out of such a meal ever really, can they?

Like what reason could they actually give you that you would accept as OK?

I suspect this might be it too.

They're adults and maybe they just want to do their own thing instead of feeling obligated to be at Dad's so much.

Expected to be there every Sunday for lunch, dog walks, and all the other things you listed.

It sounds like this takes up a lot of their free time every week for "family time"
These are adults in their late twenties with their own lives not 10 year olds.

Now you're trying to force everyone to be there for some expensive dinner for a little kid.

I think you and DH need to let go and let the DSC live their own lives without so much expectations placed on them.

thing47 · 21/04/2023 22:50

Where in any of @westenminster posts has she given the impression of any expectation? I don't see that at all. Her actual words were: They're at ours most Sundays for lunch and pop round all the time. We all go out walking dogs and they'll often come and hang out with their younger siblings on an eve. Do you really think that conveys any idea of expectation?

Honestly, OP's way of parenting 3 x twentysomethings is perfectly and utterly normal – you tell them what is happening and issue open invites. As posters always say on wedding threads 'it's an invite not a summons'. Some might come, some might not, some have other things on, some cba on some occasions. It's all good.

All my friends parent their twentysomethings in exactly this way.

Original poster
westenminster · 22/04/2023 06:58

@emptythelitterbox trust me. There's never any expectations or demands!!

It goes like this. I make Sunday lunch every Sunday. They know there's always a place at the table if they want it, a ms that I will always make enough to go round. Some Sundays they'll all turn up. Some Sundays 1 will turn up. Some Sundays none will turn up and I'm eating Sunday lunch at work till Wednesday. Usually they don't even let us know, they'll just arrive at the door.

Same with the popping round. Sometimes I'll come home from work and they're there.

Sometimes me and dh have to forewarn them NOT to come round if we have plans .

Your assumptions of our family life couldn't be further from the truth.

And it's the same with the meal.

A text went out saying: we will be here at this time, to celebrate dc bday. All welcome of able. The youngest dsc actually turned us down at first as had plans, but then jiggled things around and then said the could come.

Believe me. They all know there free to decline anything and free to come and go as they please. They just appear to like to spend time with us. Who knew 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 22/04/2023 07:01

And please be assured I know how to use they're, there and their in the correct place. I'm horrified when I read back and see how many times they're interchanged in this thread. Typing in a hurry has done nothing for my grammar, soz!

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 22/04/2023 07:24

you sound like a very caring dsm . The family obviously come to yours because they feel the family connection and they know they are welcome in your home and you do very kindly cater for them all there . I do not think you have to offer to pay for dsc meal . Don’t feel guilty one little bit . They are grown adults .

GoodChat · 22/04/2023 09:22

A text went out saying: we will be here at this time, to celebrate dc bday. All welcome of able. The youngest dsc actually turned us down at first as had plans, but then jiggled things around and then said the could come.

Now you've said exactly what the text has said I've changed my mind and don't think you should pay as there's no expectation, just an invitation

ScribblingPixie · 22/04/2023 14:12

Can't believe you're still justifying yourself, OP. Your family sounds great. The invitation was great. No changes needed! At most, say to the other two SC that there's also going to be drinks and cake for the SC who can't afford it. If anyone else wants to change plans, drop the restaurant and just do that, now's the time to speak up.

aloris · 22/04/2023 16:07

I think your kids are possibly a bit CF if they are highlighting that their partners also "can't afford" to come to these birthday dinners. As long as you aren't putting pressure on the partners to come, there's no obligation for the partners to spend money to come if they cannot afford it. The only reason for them to volunteer the info ("info") that their partners can't "afford to" come, is to imply that you should pay for their partners. This to me seems like your kids don't respect your financial situation and are trying to back you into a corner where you feel obligated to pay for them, AND their partners, so that you don't "exclude" them from these birthday dinners. Along with the fact that they all run up the bill by drinking alcohol and getting dessert at these dinners, this comes across to me as very inconsiderate on their parts.

Talapia · 22/04/2023 16:14

We've always paid for everyone, 6 DC plus partners. However, they now significantly outearn us and with the cost of living, things are much tighter for us. We are doing a lot more at home celebrations! Can't wait for summer to arrive so we can get the BBQ out!

It's tough as it's lovely to have big family celebrations but I'm sure they'll understand times have changed.

Liorae · 22/04/2023 17:31

Talapia · 22/04/2023 16:14

We've always paid for everyone, 6 DC plus partners. However, they now significantly outearn us and with the cost of living, things are much tighter for us. We are doing a lot more at home celebrations! Can't wait for summer to arrive so we can get the BBQ out!

It's tough as it's lovely to have big family celebrations but I'm sure they'll understand times have changed.

Now that they significantly outearn you have they offered to treat you to dinn or is it a one way street?

Daisiesandprimroses · 22/04/2023 17:45

Liorae · 22/04/2023 17:31

Now that they significantly outearn you have they offered to treat you to dinn or is it a one way street?

Show quote history

I know some folks love that, but me personally I couldn’t take from my kids. I pay or I wouldn’t go. It’s not about how much we earn.

Gemcat1 · 22/04/2023 17:50

Perhaps look for special offers on Groupon or Wowcher for local meal deals and then suggest that you go to one of the places there if that is where you would like to eat. We found a great deal for Harvesters earlier this year. Then, send out the details to the family and see if that is what they can afford and where they would like to eat.

Jam1235 · 22/04/2023 17:52

Personally, I would rather everyone be present so instead of going out for a family meal I would invite everyone round to celebrate.