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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 15:18

PollyThePixie · 21/04/2023 15:14

Go out with your husband and two children for a meal and have the big 3 at home over the weekend for tea and cake.

Bloody wish I'd agreed to that bow Grin

OP posts:
GoodChat · 21/04/2023 15:19

She's a CFer saying her partner can't afford it either rather than just asking her dad to sub her for her meal and leaving the partner at home.

Sugarfree23 · 21/04/2023 15:21

Op I totally get where you are coming from and for LOs birthday it makes perfect sense for the big ones to pay their way.

If it was the big ones birthday do you still go out, or when did you stop taking them out to dinner on their birthday?

PollyThePixie · 21/04/2023 15:23

westenminster · 21/04/2023 15:18

Bloody wish I'd agreed to that bow Grin

Show quote history

It’s difficult when there is such a big age gap between the children. Honestly I think you either have to treat them en-masse so to speak or accept the big age difference means birthdays won’t be the same as in the past. And you never know but the older ones might just be relieved and prefer nipping round with a present at the weekend for an hour.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2023 15:25

Why don't you just say to them all: look at we've had a think about it and it's such a lot of money and things are tight for everyone at the moment. We will take the small kids out for a meal and would love it if everyone came to ours for sandwiches and cakes and wine at the weekend. I think everyone would feel relieved by that.

whumpthereitis · 21/04/2023 15:33

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 15:19

She's a CFer saying her partner can't afford it either rather than just asking her dad to sub her for her meal and leaving the partner at home.

Hardly a CF if she doesn’t want to go and she’s using not being able to afford it as an excuse.

It doesn’t seem like she’s hinted at anyone else paying or asked to borrow money, she readily accepted not going.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 15:35

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2023 15:25

Why don't you just say to them all: look at we've had a think about it and it's such a lot of money and things are tight for everyone at the moment. We will take the small kids out for a meal and would love it if everyone came to ours for sandwiches and cakes and wine at the weekend. I think everyone would feel relieved by that.

This is really good idea

I do think the other older ones really want to come, but it may be a good get out clause.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/04/2023 15:38

On this occasion I would concentrate on your younger two
The adults are all earning and bringing partners along
If the one DS can't afford it, then I'd honestly say " That's a shame, but you're welcome at the weekend"
I have 3 DS's 21-29( one with a DP) and see them together or not when we meet over the year so it all balances out over a year
Interestingly they are beginning to pay for me this year

1offnamechange · 21/04/2023 15:45

Whenharrymetsmelly · 21/04/2023 08:20

I find these threads so depressing how cheap parents are towards their own children and stepchildren. No wonder young adults have so many issues now. I can't imagine ever letting someone miss out because they can't afford it. Oh well reap what you sow I guess, don't expect too much when you're old OP Hmm

3 course meal with a few drinks and tip x 6 (because how would it be fair to pay for 1dc and their partner but not the other) could easily come to nearly £300 at a mid range or even 'naice' pub place even before OP and her DP pay for themselves and the younger kids.

Must be nice to think of not being able to drop more than my mortgage on one meal (bear in mind if they go out for everyone in the family's birthdays thats 7 times a year) as 'cheap!'

The DC could almost definitely afford to come and just have a main and not bring their partner, but they are chancing their arm hoping their dad will pay - which if they'd recently lost their job or were the only one still a student or whatever might be fine but sounds a lot more like they aren't hugely bothered about celebrating their half siblings birthday if they have to pay for it. So OPs suggestion of just coming round for a cake is much better.

When I go out with my adult siblings and our partners and parents we all just pay for ourselves, it would be ridiculous to expect my parents to pay for us all and tbh I'd find it a bit infantilising. If anything as they are retired and we are all working I offer to treat them!

WeAllHaveWings · 21/04/2023 15:49

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

They are individual independent adults. Your dh can absolutely pay for a special occasion/birthday meal for one if they are skint and he wants them there without having to be "fair".

It depends on why they are skint though. If they are struggling with COL crises and I could help out I would, if they were choosing to spend their money elsewhere on luxuries then I would think twice.

So while I don't think you are wrong to say no, I think your reasoning is wrong.

Sugarfree23 · 21/04/2023 15:49

I was also thinking their comes a point when adult kids should be paying for their parents.
Or inviting their parents to their birthday out not the other way round.

crazyaboutcats · 21/04/2023 15:50

"Can't afford it" can mean a very wide range of circumstances from they don't have money for groceries to they just don't want to spend their own on this

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 15:51

Sugarfree23 · 21/04/2023 15:21

Op I totally get where you are coming from and for LOs birthday it makes perfect sense for the big ones to pay their way.

If it was the big ones birthday do you still go out, or when did you stop taking them out to dinner on their birthday?

We still go out but it is up to them where and when. In the past they've been busy with friends, work or mums side so there have been times when we've missed it out, and has the cake at home type thing for them.

We always offer it and aren't offended if the birthday child declines

OP posts:
456pickupsticks · 21/04/2023 16:03

OriGanOver · 21/04/2023 08:35

I'd pay but not make a big deal about it. If I was going out with my family and one of my siblings was broke and my mum paid for them I wouldn't begrudge that. They're all adults and should understand.

I think this is the answer, realistically.
A quick text "If you're keen to come but genuinely can't afford it, we will cover your meals and one drink this time, but we're still sticking to the general rule of everyone pays for themself. If you were just trying to let us down gently, we don't mind you giving this one a miss! Let us know!" Would cover it, and hopefully still gives the DSC the chance to opt out if they don't want to go, whilst still sticking to a clear boundary of people paying for themselves generally, so you don't end up with the cost of all the DSC and partners every time. If it happens again with the same child, then I'd go for, "oh that's a shame, hopefully you'll be able to join us for X's birthday meal in June." route.
If the others kick off with that's not fair, you should pay for ours too, then I'd be saying "look, your brother told us he couldn't afford to come, so we've offered to cover his meal cost and a soft drink just this once, if you'd had the same issue, we'd have done the same for you, but we're not able to pay for all of you all the time. If it's an ongoing problem, we're happy to ditch the big family meals and just do cake and nibbles at ours."

I wouldn't look at it as a 'if we're treating one we should treat all' thing; if one of them went through a break up and asked to move back in for a bit, you wouldn't be saying, "well if one lives with us, all three should be able to", and this is a similar concept. Its about the circumstances.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 16:11

@456pickupsticks I think that your idea and idea of what to say is great, thank you 🙏🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 16:15

A friend has suggested I message the other 2 dsc and say

"Look, your sisters struggling this month, so shall we all chip in so they can come out"... but then obviously pay a bit more into the pot, in the hope they take it in the way it's meant rather then dsc child getting out of paying/coming.

Im tempted to pass all ideas onto DH and leave it completely in his hands at this point.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2023 16:20

I think this is the answer, realistically.
A quick text "If you're keen to come but genuinely can't afford it, we will cover your meals and one drink this time, but we're still sticking to the general rule of everyone pays for themself. If you were just trying to let us down gently, we don't mind you giving this one a miss! Let us know!" Would cover it, and hopefully still gives the DSC the chance to opt out if they don't want to go, whilst still sticking to a clear boundary of people paying for themselves generally, so you don't end up with the cost of all the DSC and partners every time. If it happens again with the same child, then I'd go for, "oh that's a shame, hopefully you'll be able to join us for X's birthday meal in June." route.

I really like this.

rookiemere · 21/04/2023 16:40

I really don't think it's fair for young adults to be having to chip in for their Dsis and her DP. It's awkward for everyone and puts them in a tricky spot.

thing47 · 21/04/2023 16:53

@westenminster I don't know why you're beating yourself up over this, everything you have said and done is perfectly reasonable and – as someone who has 3 x twentysomethings myself – quite normal.

I also offer open, general invites to my 3 to any family event. I know they like to be asked and would probably come if they could. However, 'sorry mum, I can't make that one' or 'I've already got something on that day' or 'I really can't afford it at the moment' are all perfectly acceptable adult responses to the invitation. No drama, no pressure applied.

If there were genuine financial reasons that one couldn't make it and I could afford to pay for them all, I would do so. I would not pay only for the one who said they couldn't afford it. That also is a perfectly reasonable stance to take. The analogy to moving back in following a break-up (and 2 of mine have done that since leaving home) doesn't really work because presumably your other 2 wouldn't want to move back in whereas all 3 would like to be treated to a nice meal out!

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 16:56

thing47 · 21/04/2023 16:53

@westenminster I don't know why you're beating yourself up over this, everything you have said and done is perfectly reasonable and – as someone who has 3 x twentysomethings myself – quite normal.

I also offer open, general invites to my 3 to any family event. I know they like to be asked and would probably come if they could. However, 'sorry mum, I can't make that one' or 'I've already got something on that day' or 'I really can't afford it at the moment' are all perfectly acceptable adult responses to the invitation. No drama, no pressure applied.

If there were genuine financial reasons that one couldn't make it and I could afford to pay for them all, I would do so. I would not pay only for the one who said they couldn't afford it. That also is a perfectly reasonable stance to take. The analogy to moving back in following a break-up (and 2 of mine have done that since leaving home) doesn't really work because presumably your other 2 wouldn't want to move back in whereas all 3 would like to be treated to a nice meal out!

Thank you, I think you're right x

OP posts:
Lennybenny · 21/04/2023 17:25

You aren't paying for the other adult dsc and their partners so why pay for that one?

Food and drinks is easily £60 for both.

You know your finances, you've given them an option. Pay for the pre teens until they're 18 and you and dh as normal and anyone else pays for themselves.

You said yourself, it's not really just the food, it's the drinks as well and I bet they have several as they aren't paying.

Cost of living crisis!! Use that.

Ooolaaaala · 21/04/2023 17:31

456pickupsticks · 21/04/2023 16:03

I think this is the answer, realistically.
A quick text "If you're keen to come but genuinely can't afford it, we will cover your meals and one drink this time, but we're still sticking to the general rule of everyone pays for themself. If you were just trying to let us down gently, we don't mind you giving this one a miss! Let us know!" Would cover it, and hopefully still gives the DSC the chance to opt out if they don't want to go, whilst still sticking to a clear boundary of people paying for themselves generally, so you don't end up with the cost of all the DSC and partners every time. If it happens again with the same child, then I'd go for, "oh that's a shame, hopefully you'll be able to join us for X's birthday meal in June." route.
If the others kick off with that's not fair, you should pay for ours too, then I'd be saying "look, your brother told us he couldn't afford to come, so we've offered to cover his meal cost and a soft drink just this once, if you'd had the same issue, we'd have done the same for you, but we're not able to pay for all of you all the time. If it's an ongoing problem, we're happy to ditch the big family meals and just do cake and nibbles at ours."

I wouldn't look at it as a 'if we're treating one we should treat all' thing; if one of them went through a break up and asked to move back in for a bit, you wouldn't be saying, "well if one lives with us, all three should be able to", and this is a similar concept. Its about the circumstances.

Show quote history

And what about the partner that the adult child has said can’t afford it either? Should the OP pick up that tab? Is it a coincidence that they are both broke at the same time?

Can the adult partner not just go to their own parents for financial help if they are broke rather than sponge off the OP?

Ooolaaaala · 21/04/2023 17:38

westenminster · 21/04/2023 16:15

A friend has suggested I message the other 2 dsc and say

"Look, your sisters struggling this month, so shall we all chip in so they can come out"... but then obviously pay a bit more into the pot, in the hope they take it in the way it's meant rather then dsc child getting out of paying/coming.

Im tempted to pass all ideas onto DH and leave it completely in his hands at this point.

Would the DSD be mortified if you did this without their permission?

Maybe you need to ask her first before going to her siblings?

Also are you asking her siblings to pay for her partner as this was the subsequent excuse?

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 17:43

@Ooolaaaala yeah, reading it back it's a bad idea! 🤣

OP posts:
456pickupsticks · 21/04/2023 17:44

Ooolaaaala · 21/04/2023 17:31

And what about the partner that the adult child has said can’t afford it either? Should the OP pick up that tab? Is it a coincidence that they are both broke at the same time?

Can the adult partner not just go to their own parents for financial help if they are broke rather than sponge off the OP?

Show quote history

it's one meal, (that they've not actually asked anyone else to pay for!) - they're hardly 'sponging off the OP'. From their ages, and the fact OP says they've been around for a fair while, then yeah, in this case I wouldn't say it's unreasonable to offer the same for the partner. It's probably not a coincidence that they're broke at the same time, more to do with it being really near the end of the month, and them likely having some sense of combined finances or expenses. When you reach mid-twenties, it's not unusual for a partner to become a part of your family, and be included in family events, including being occasionally bought meals or drinks by your parents.

An analogy: My sister and her partner (who are actually just under this age bracket) bought a house last year. They live near my parents. I do not. When I went to visit, my parents invited them out for a meal whilst I was home. My sister said 'we can't really afford it at the minute, lots of house expenses coming up or just paid out' and my parents said 'oh no worries, this one's on us', so they came, and my parents paid (they actually paid for all the meals, but I then bought a round of drinks). Not a huge deal, and certainly not something I'd have kicked off about if I'd ended up paying for myself, but not something that they'd expect to happen every time, and they wouldn't have kicked off about it if my parents hadn't offered, same as the DCS hasn't.