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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
Mama1209 · 22/04/2023 17:57

I agree you can’t treat one differently. I’d probably say oh I’m sorry we would offer to pay for you but then we would have to pay for everyone’s and we simply don’t have that kind of money. However, if you want everyone at the celebration, you could just do cake at home anyway?

Bogman · 22/04/2023 17:57

Let them go. or make pasta at home, feed 10 for 20 quid.

Talapia · 22/04/2023 18:09

Liorae · 22/04/2023 17:31

Now that they significantly outearn you have they offered to treat you to dinn or is it a one way street?

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Some do and some don't !

Whilst they out earn, eldest is renting in an expensive location due to work. Three live a flight away, it's all swings and roundabouts really.

Cost of living has hit them too. Whilst they have a greater income, they have greater outgoings. Unfortunately, one has been made redundant in the last few weeks .

RunningUpThatMill · 22/04/2023 18:09

I would pay for the DSC if I could afford to do so. I don't think you necessarily need to treat all adult DSCs the same in this scenario. If one is going to miss out on a family celebration because they have limited finances, I don't think the gesture needs to be extended to those who can afford.

Clarabell77 · 22/04/2023 18:10

I don’t think I could ask them to pay in the first place, I feel as though if it’s your idea to go for the meal you should pay, if you can’t afford it for everyone don’t go for the meal and just do cake or whatever at home.

OnlyinBelfast · 22/04/2023 18:19

Hi, I don’t know about other families, but going out for a “sit down” meal seems very “grownup” for young children. And to let them pick the restaurant? Are the dsc expected to bring presents as well? 7 times a year seems quite a lot, what about when the dsc have their own dc, will the meal’s extend to their birthdays? It could be that the dsc who says they can’t afford it is A telling the truth (as a couple that’s expensive) B doesn’t want to attend as many family meals anymore and doesn’t know how to say so as it seems to have become an obligation.

mickyfin · 22/04/2023 18:22

You are right, stick to your guns and don't cave in,

Sassyon · 22/04/2023 18:28

we do family meals out for birthdays, some stay for a drink, some have food. Some say can’t afford It. We don’t pay for everyone..
maybe just have a low key at home for the older (aldult children) and just take the younger ones out.

Pupinski · 22/04/2023 19:05

Nobody should be excluded from family get-togethers because they can't afford it. That principle is much more important than the principle of pay one, pay for all. If the others can afford it, it's perfectly reasonable that you should pay for one who can't, but not those who can. Don't alienate your DSC.

GrannyMack · 22/04/2023 19:07

I think as you have arranged the meal out then the tab falls on you. If there had been a collective conversation about what to do as a celebration and they'd had an opportunity for input prior to anything being booked, then that would be different.

Liorae · 22/04/2023 19:10

GrannyMack · 22/04/2023 19:07

I think as you have arranged the meal out then the tab falls on you. If there had been a collective conversation about what to do as a celebration and they'd had an opportunity for input prior to anything being booked, then that would be different.

Bullshit.

TheGodlyGirl · 22/04/2023 19:13

my parents are separated. I am my mums only child and my stepdad ALWAYS INSISTS on paying. Which I love as a) I left home at 16 and always broke and fighting for basic lifestyle (even though have kids and nearly 50now) and b) it makes me feel valued. Both mum and stepdad won’t have financial issues to cover the bill.
My dad, who has 3 further grown up children, the youngest of whom joined the working world a year or two ago, expects us all to contribute. I couldn’t ever afford it really. Even when my sibs were at school, my hubby would offer to go halves and my dad always accepted, even if the 4 of them eating steak, 3 of us, one eating kids meal and Ive chosen something I can afford. It has always annoyed me. I’ve lost sleep with how uncherished this has made me feel. I really dislike that my Dad accepts.
I rarely go out for food with him/them in recent years - which makes me sad. I invite them to me once or twice year for food. But it’s never reciprocated.
I defo see them all less because I can’t keep up. They all live at home no responsibilities.

if I were you, I’d do what other posters have said and do something at home, everyone bringing a dish, contributing to a take out, etc. Nice to keep everyone involved if possible. It’s tough times right now.

TeenLifeMum · 22/04/2023 19:20

So you’re excluding a member of your family because they can’t afford it? That’s really odd in my world but then my parents always pay when they take the family out for dinner even though I’m 41 and have dh and dc. Maybe arrange something more inclusive at home instead.

ReadersD1gest · 22/04/2023 19:21

TeenLifeMum · 22/04/2023 19:20

So you’re excluding a member of your family because they can’t afford it? That’s really odd in my world but then my parents always pay when they take the family out for dinner even though I’m 41 and have dh and dc. Maybe arrange something more inclusive at home instead.

Why do you let your parents pay for you and your children? You're an adult; don't you ever reciprocate?

GoodChat · 22/04/2023 19:28

TeenLifeMum · 22/04/2023 19:20

So you’re excluding a member of your family because they can’t afford it? That’s really odd in my world but then my parents always pay when they take the family out for dinner even though I’m 41 and have dh and dc. Maybe arrange something more inclusive at home instead.

She's not excluding them. She's let them know they're welcome and they're prioritising other spending.

You sound like a bit of a hypocrite if you're not paying your share of meals out with your parents.

TeenLifeMum · 22/04/2023 19:32

@ReadersD1gest they offer, I never assume! They like paying. I’ve taken my parents to music concerts, sports events - Wimbledon tennis. I don’t just take but they know that with 3dc we don’t eat out very often at all so are only going because they’ve invited us. They are financially comfortable so why wouldn’t I let my own parents treat me and my family?

Money was very tight growing up so I worked from age 14, paid for my driving lessons, car, insurance etc - other dc have their first car bought for them. Can you not comprehend families differ? My granny used to hide money in mum’s purse when they visited because mum wouldn’t accept it, but grandparents always paid for family meals when I was a dc so I guess it is my norm. Obviously if my parents were poor it wouldn’t be appropriate.

Not sure why I’ve felt the need to explain but your post was pretty rude.

ReadersD1gest · 22/04/2023 19:46

TeenLifeMum · 22/04/2023 19:32

@ReadersD1gest they offer, I never assume! They like paying. I’ve taken my parents to music concerts, sports events - Wimbledon tennis. I don’t just take but they know that with 3dc we don’t eat out very often at all so are only going because they’ve invited us. They are financially comfortable so why wouldn’t I let my own parents treat me and my family?

Money was very tight growing up so I worked from age 14, paid for my driving lessons, car, insurance etc - other dc have their first car bought for them. Can you not comprehend families differ? My granny used to hide money in mum’s purse when they visited because mum wouldn’t accept it, but grandparents always paid for family meals when I was a dc so I guess it is my norm. Obviously if my parents were poor it wouldn’t be appropriate.

Not sure why I’ve felt the need to explain but your post was pretty rude.

Not sure what part of my post was rude, but since yours contained the phrase "In my world...", I'm now wondering why you've chosen to lecture me on every family being different? Seems you need to take that on board yourself...

T1Dmama · 22/04/2023 19:58

No I wouldn’t pay!
They are being unreasonable not to come… if they wanted to they could come and literally order soup or a bowl of chips just so they’re celebrating their siblings birthday….
Chances are they don’t want to come and used money as an excuse.

TeenLifeMum · 22/04/2023 20:09

@ReadersD1gest 🙄 you can’t understand why your post is rude? Really? “In my world” is recognition that I’m speaking from my own lived experience perspective, realising there will be differences.

Liorae · 22/04/2023 20:14

Daisiesandprimroses · 22/04/2023 17:45

I know some folks love that, but me personally I couldn’t take from my kids. I pay or I wouldn’t go. It’s not about how much we earn.

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So it is a one way street. You will probably come to regret that.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:16

Daisiesandprimroses · 22/04/2023 17:45

I know some folks love that, but me personally I couldn’t take from my kids. I pay or I wouldn’t go. It’s not about how much we earn.

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I love treating my mum. It’s pretty selfish of you to deny your kids that opportunity to treat their mum.

ITryHarder · 22/04/2023 20:56

In my family, we had one of six who could not afford many extras. My mother often picked up the tab for him and his family or sometimes one of the other five quietly did. You see, we loved him and wanted them to participate in whatever. Would the other dsc really mind? If they would, maybe that doesn't speak well of them.

On the other hand, if it'll cause problems among the dsc, your solution is a good one unless the subject of 'dinner the other night' keeps coming up.

Since you said that others have occasionally missed for whatever reason, the one that said they can't afford it really didn't need to say that. They could have made up any excuse rather than open the door, possibly, in hopes that you would pay, but you promptly nipped that in the bud with your suggestion.

If your husband insists on paying for all when you can't afford it, ask him what he, HE, is willing to give up to accomplish it. Maybe it's time to drop the dinners out for cake and ice cream at home. That's fun too, when you're with people you care about.

dittbtdity · 22/04/2023 21:00

Jam1235 · 22/04/2023 17:52

Personally, I would rather everyone be present so instead of going out for a family meal I would invite everyone round to celebrate.

They're doing that as well.

The young birthday girl shouldn't have to fit her birthday treats around her much older siblings being able - or wanting - to attend.

Ukrainebaby23 · 22/04/2023 21:06

westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:28

I think this may be the way forward! X

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Defo the way forward, but be upfront and open, sorry we love everyone joining us for the meal but financial pressures mean we can only afford to pay for the meal/main meal/dessert etc for everyone. We understand if this means you can't join us for dinner but please consider joining us after for dessert or drinks or at home for cake.

I think that gives everyone the option to come/not come to one party or another and limits their expectations hopefully.
When I was very skint I often used to make excuses to be late and just arrive for dessert, or do lunch and then rush off after mains. Was mainly with friends though so expectations differ.

SchoolTripDrama · 22/04/2023 21:28

JudgeRudy · 21/04/2023 07:48

When someone says they can't afford something they probably can, they'd just rather spend their limited 'spare' money on other stuff....which is fine.Theuve made their choice, it's no big deal, not a special party or wedding. I don't know how you split finances but if your OH wants to pay that's up to him, but you're not paying on principal. My advice has nothing to do with them bring a step child btw.
Now if you were wealthy and they were genuinely broke that's a different matter but if I treated them then guard they'd gone out with friends that month or bought a takeaway or a new pair of shoes I'd be irritated.

When someone says they can't afford something they probably can, they'd just rather spend their limited 'spare' money on other stuff What a load of privileged nonsense, wow! You do realise there really are people out there with NOTHING, don’t you??? That have, through no fault of their own, found themselves suddenly with less coming in than is going out? Wow. I’ve heard it all now. I’m stunned