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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bail on SIL hen do when I'm bridesmaid

169 replies

Peachpicklepie · 21/04/2023 06:37

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and due to go to my future sister in law's hen do next week at 35 weeks. It's four hour's drive away in a field. My plan had been to take my notes and hospital bag, and assume all would be fine. However, my baby is still breech, and so far refusing to turn. In the unlikely event I go into labour I'm a) potentially on a long drive by myself b) 40 mins without traffic from the nearest labour ward (it's ten mins to the nearest midwife led unit which I would have gone to previously) and c) the hospital ward has just been downgraded from good to needs improvement in their most recent inspection. Another factor is that my first labour was fast, and started with my waters going - something that increases the risk for breech births. AIBU to pull out? I'm bridesmaid so really should be there...

OP posts:
GoodVibesHere · 21/04/2023 06:38

Personally I think you'd be mad to go!

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 06:38

I wouldn't go. She'll understand.

Flittingaboutagain · 21/04/2023 06:39

I went into labour with my first at 35 weeks so I definitely wouldn't be going to this.

Remmy123 · 21/04/2023 06:40

You should go it's highly unlikely you will go into labour at 35 weeks!

Maisemoo · 21/04/2023 06:41

As a trained professional I would advise against this- breech delivery’s can be more complicated and need to be treated differently that ambulance crews etc do not have the training in. So if Labour did commence they wouldn’t be the expert professionals to rely on in my experience and that would be too much a risk in my opinion

fivetriangulartrees · 21/04/2023 06:42

You've assessed the level of risk for you in this situation and decided it's not wise to go. That's completely reasonable!

But honestly you had me at "field".

Ponoka7 · 21/04/2023 06:42

I wouldn't have worried about going into labour. But the indigestion and backache from driving for four hours, that I

Ponoka7 · 21/04/2023 06:43

Would have had would put me off. I wouldn't want to be doing the needed toilet stops either.

moonspiral · 21/04/2023 06:43

AIBU to pull out? I'm bridesmaid so really should be there... You're about to give birth. No one in their right mind would get upset about you swerving this one. If they do then you have bigger issues.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 21/04/2023 06:45

in a field

^ good enough reason right there. Grin
Being very pregnant is a better one.

ziggiestardust · 21/04/2023 06:46

OP I would not go and unless your SIL is a bit of a bridezilla, she won’t be annoyed in the slightest. You never know, she might be feeling a bit worried about it herself but not know how to bring it up!
If you’re feeling that badly about it and you’re twiddling your thumbs/baby doesn’t make an appearance you could offer to be the official photo sorter. Host a Dropbox facility and sort through to find the nicest ones, maybe put a filter over them/edit them to make them pretty and send out printed copies to everyone in the party.

Curseofthenation · 21/04/2023 06:49

I'm an outdoorsy person generally, but there is no way I'd be staying in a field at 35 weeks pregnant. It would be a hard no from me. I'd send a bottle of fizz or something nice in my place.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 21/04/2023 06:49

No, don't go. I had to skip a friend's hen do where I was bridesmaid as my grandma died and it was her funeral, friend understood.

Tell us more about the field though?? Is it cow spotting?

electriclight · 21/04/2023 06:50

I personally would go, but then I've lived in several places that were 40-60 mins drive from a hospital whilst pregnant.

I wouldn't fancy the field - the mind boggles - but presumably you were part of planning that or at least knew about it when you agreed.

But if you don't fancy it, you've got some good reasons to pull out and I'm sure she'll understand. I don't think I'd mention the distance from a hospital though - plenty of people live that far from a hospital every day.

MiddleAgedAndExhausted · 21/04/2023 06:53

If your SIL is difficult, can you ask the advice of your Dr/GP/midwife? They'll surely say you shouldn't go then you can pull out on medical grounds?

JustCheck · 21/04/2023 06:53

I think I would tell a white lie and say your midwife and consultant have said no due to your risk

ShirleyPhallus · 21/04/2023 06:54

I wouldn’t go but I also think you should have said no weeks ago.

TheaBrandt · 21/04/2023 06:55

I went into labour at 35 weeks quite dramatically and it was quick. In your scenario she would have been born in the field.

Dontjudgeme101 · 21/04/2023 06:56

JustCheck · 21/04/2023 06:53

I think I would tell a white lie and say your midwife and consultant have said no due to your risk

Why lie, just tell her the truth!

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 21/04/2023 06:57

I'm assuming some kind of glamping with the field situation. But no of course you're not unreasonable as long as you don't expect them to refund you at this late stage, that might be a bit much. As others have said, send a nice bottle of fizz, maybe link up with another attendee and send them a little video where you gush about how much you love the bride, wish you could be there, tell a funny story etc and they can suprise her with it at an appropriate moment during the hen do.

Cosycover · 21/04/2023 06:58

Well she sounds like a bit of a bridezilla considering she hasn't mentioned this to you yet? If this was one of my Bridesmaids I'd make it clear I understood if they didn't go. Sounds like she will make a fuss.

TheaBrandt · 21/04/2023 07:00

Sorry but i do think you were at fault for agreeing to go in the first place. You should have said no from the outset really. Why on earth did you agree to this? Especially for a second? My first took 24 hours my second was 35 weeks took 4 hours.

JustCheck · 21/04/2023 07:01

@Dontjudgeme101 because brizezillas

Doidontimmm · 21/04/2023 07:02

Just say because baby is breach & you are in pain the midwife has strongly advised against you going.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 21/04/2023 07:03

You shouldn’t be worried about going into labour, but equally you shouldn’t have agreed to go in the first place.