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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bail on SIL hen do when I'm bridesmaid

169 replies

Peachpicklepie · 21/04/2023 06:37

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and due to go to my future sister in law's hen do next week at 35 weeks. It's four hour's drive away in a field. My plan had been to take my notes and hospital bag, and assume all would be fine. However, my baby is still breech, and so far refusing to turn. In the unlikely event I go into labour I'm a) potentially on a long drive by myself b) 40 mins without traffic from the nearest labour ward (it's ten mins to the nearest midwife led unit which I would have gone to previously) and c) the hospital ward has just been downgraded from good to needs improvement in their most recent inspection. Another factor is that my first labour was fast, and started with my waters going - something that increases the risk for breech births. AIBU to pull out? I'm bridesmaid so really should be there...

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 21/04/2023 09:53

I wouldn’t go but agree with others that maybe you should’ve given SIL a bit more notice.

Glamping is my idea of hell anyway but not in your advanced pregnancy state and the risks, utter madness!

At least you’re not my SIL (DB’s DW) who less than 3 weeks after giving birth had to organise her best friend’s hen do on a barge in London! She made it to the nearby gastro pub for a brunch and was still organising most of it (we all thought she was mad!) but as she was still breastfeeding and knackered couldn’t make the barge outing which was a whole day affair (I was there)! Her best friend is a strong egotistical character anyway and was being bridezilla but had no choice but to accept that SIL couldn’t bring/leave her baby on the barge (pub!).

ToWhitToWhoo · 21/04/2023 09:53

YANBU. Yes, it might have been ideal to turn it down in the first place, but you didn't know that the baby would be breech, and that makes quite a difference.

BornBlonde · 21/04/2023 09:57

Absolutely not. Huge risk you go into labour far from your own hospital/partner and support system. A 4 hour journey that late in pregnancy sounds horrendous!!!! Everyone is different but in my pregnancies I was completely uncomfortable even on a decent sofa with a pregnancy pillow, unable to walk due to SPD and peeing about every 10 mins

ArrrMeHearties · 21/04/2023 09:57

I'm 35 weeks today and the furthest im going is to the shops a 5min drive away or to take my son to school I'm not going far at all. I'd send her best wishes for a lovely hen do and stay at home and put your feet up and relax

Thegoodbadandugly · 21/04/2023 09:57

With the baby being breech I wouldn't take the chance.

JusthereforXmas · 21/04/2023 10:01

nevereverhaveieverfeltsobad · 21/04/2023 08:08

I wouldn't be going if I wasn't pregnant because I think hen dos are narcissism personified. Not content with expecting people to get new outfits/gifts/travels/hotels stays for wedding some people demand attendance at a glamping disco as well.

So self absorbed.

My cousin had an engagement party we were expected to travel for, then a hen do abroad for a week then the wedding. Utterly self absorbed expecting guests to shell out for that lot.

Way to make someone else's celebrations all about you not them.

Are you just so utterly miserable you can't be happy for or celebrate other peoples big milestones?

Is your argument really 'I won't' because it could mean sacrificing a little something like basic time or money for people you supposedly love and care about.

Utter peak narcissism from YOU. You're going to end up very lonely with these kinds of views.

blahblahblah1654 · 21/04/2023 10:06

No way would I go. I had my son at 34 weeks! It's unlikely but you never know what could happen that far along.

beAsensible1 · 21/04/2023 10:07

I mean, it's a bit shit isn't it? its not like its been sprung on you, probably been planned for months and I assume you knew you would be 35 weeks when you agreed to go in the first place.

So yes you can pull out and would be within your right to, but as the bride i'd be annoyed because you agreed in the first place and none of this is new information.

daisymoonlight · 21/04/2023 10:15

beAsensible1 · 21/04/2023 10:07

I mean, it's a bit shit isn't it? its not like its been sprung on you, probably been planned for months and I assume you knew you would be 35 weeks when you agreed to go in the first place.

So yes you can pull out and would be within your right to, but as the bride i'd be annoyed because you agreed in the first place and none of this is new information.

Yes, God forbid someone gasp changes their mind and be concerned about the health of their baby (considering she just found out its breach now) because a hen do in a field is of utmost importance and cannot be missed no matter what. It will clearly ruin the bride's life forever not having a heavily pregnant woman who cant drink present.

Good grief.

beAsensible1 · 21/04/2023 10:21

daisymoonlight · 21/04/2023 10:15

Yes, God forbid someone gasp changes their mind and be concerned about the health of their baby (considering she just found out its breach now) because a hen do in a field is of utmost importance and cannot be missed no matter what. It will clearly ruin the bride's life forever not having a heavily pregnant woman who cant drink present.

Good grief.

Show quote history

she didn't just find out it was breech, the baby is still breech so it is ongoing

she knew she was pregnant, knew it was in a field etc etc. All the reasons existed when she agreed in the first place.
People are allowed to be annoyed when people pull out and flake on things. She could've pulled out ages ago, not the week before.

all that other stuff about ruining lives has nothing to with anything i've said. People flaking on things that have been planned for bloody ages is a ball ache, it always makes extra work for someone else

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 21/04/2023 10:32

beAsensible1 · 21/04/2023 10:21

she didn't just find out it was breech, the baby is still breech so it is ongoing

she knew she was pregnant, knew it was in a field etc etc. All the reasons existed when she agreed in the first place.
People are allowed to be annoyed when people pull out and flake on things. She could've pulled out ages ago, not the week before.

all that other stuff about ruining lives has nothing to with anything i've said. People flaking on things that have been planned for bloody ages is a ball ache, it always makes extra work for someone else

Show quote history

I personally think it’s how it’s done and the reasons why!

The bride I mentioned had originally invited all her parents friends from Poland who’d apparently accepted but then prob realised cost and bailed. Bride then invited my DP’s to wedding last minute (I was already going!), funnily enough my DM declined as she didn’t like being last minute option.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/04/2023 10:36

Maisemoo · 21/04/2023 06:41

As a trained professional I would advise against this- breech delivery’s can be more complicated and need to be treated differently that ambulance crews etc do not have the training in. So if Labour did commence they wouldn’t be the expert professionals to rely on in my experience and that would be too much a risk in my opinion

This 100 per cent. You might be fine. But if you are not you've already identified its a breech birth - why put yourself at risk. Also you can't go on previous labour. You may not have time. My first was 30 hours. My second was 4 hours, my third 2 hours... DH barely got to the second and missed the 3rd entirely.

beAsensible1 · 21/04/2023 10:39

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 21/04/2023 10:32

I personally think it’s how it’s done and the reasons why!

The bride I mentioned had originally invited all her parents friends from Poland who’d apparently accepted but then prob realised cost and bailed. Bride then invited my DP’s to wedding last minute (I was already going!), funnily enough my DM declined as she didn’t like being last minute option.

Show quote history

of course. I honestly don't think she should've agreed to go in the first place and when the travel time was increased to 4 hour drive its a definite no.

i just think some people might be annoyed, but they'll get over it

UlrikakakaJ · 21/04/2023 10:41

ziggiestardust · 21/04/2023 06:46

OP I would not go and unless your SIL is a bit of a bridezilla, she won’t be annoyed in the slightest. You never know, she might be feeling a bit worried about it herself but not know how to bring it up!
If you’re feeling that badly about it and you’re twiddling your thumbs/baby doesn’t make an appearance you could offer to be the official photo sorter. Host a Dropbox facility and sort through to find the nicest ones, maybe put a filter over them/edit them to make them pretty and send out printed copies to everyone in the party.

This is a perfect suggestion!

User2538309 · 21/04/2023 11:05

If there’s a bit of it you could still go to, like the pub lunch, perhaps your DH driving you and going to a different pub for lunch, then consider that. There’s no way I’d even consider doing the whole thing as you’ve described it though.

If you’ve got a good relationship with the SIL call her and talk to her, if you are worried it might cause a fall out, your DH (assuming his sister) could call and say how worried he is about you and that you don’t want to let her down. Personally I’d just say that the doctors don’t want you travelling now.

RampantIvy · 21/04/2023 11:12

Not sure I would want to be glamping next weekend anyway as the forecast isn't very good.

oioimatey · 21/04/2023 11:19

I wouldn't go. It sounds like it could be extremely stressful if labour started early, not to mention a very long trip back home with a newborn if you gave birth where the hen is happening. Second births are (from what I hear anecdotally) very fast; I went from waters breaking to giving birth in 1hr40m.

I'd trust your gut on this one. And I hope all goes well for you with the birth!

I imagine the bride would be very understanding, too :)

SleepingStandingUp · 21/04/2023 11:31

beAsensible1 · 21/04/2023 10:07

I mean, it's a bit shit isn't it? its not like its been sprung on you, probably been planned for months and I assume you knew you would be 35 weeks when you agreed to go in the first place.

So yes you can pull out and would be within your right to, but as the bride i'd be annoyed because you agreed in the first place and none of this is new information.

Well the baby not moving is technically "new info" as op is willing to go if he'd moved, babies move plenty of times and therefore she had to ascertain his position. The new info might be the same as the old info but as she's updated it to make a decision, it's new.

Spottypillow · 21/04/2023 11:51

I wouldn’t be going just based off the word field, let alone being pregnant.

If you don’t want to feel as bad just tell SIL the midwives have strongly suggested you shouldn’t go and you need to listen to the medical advice.

Original poster
Peachpicklepie · 21/04/2023 11:55

Yes, found out about being breech at 30 weeks but no medical staff were concerned as so many babies turn themselves around. So it is a late cancellation, but only because I wanted to give as much time as possible for the baby to turn (which she still might, although I can't bank on it now). Otherwise I would be there.

OP posts:
Nottamug · 21/04/2023 11:57

Friend went into labour at 34 weeks breech she had ECS within an hour ! Definitely don’t take the risk .

PuppyMonkey · 21/04/2023 12:13

You’d convinced me by “I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant.” Grin

Sunnytomorrow · 21/04/2023 13:04

Even if it’s unlikely you’ll go into labour, it’s not highly unlikely. Somewhere between 10-40% of second babies are premature (chances are higher if first baby was early).

If the hen do was happening closer to your home town (and your partner was on speed dial to drive you to hospital if needed), I’d say the overall risk profile was low.

However, the chances of a severe negative outcome should you go into labour are increased by: (1) being 4 hours away from your regular doctor/partner and a reasonably long way from hospital; (2) possibly not having anyone able to drive you to hospital (I presume they will be drinking); (3) baby still being breech.

This means the overall risk profile is at least medium (and potentially even high).

You are therefore entirely reasonable in cancelling. In fact, it would be arguably be irrational not to.

You were also not unreasonable in agreeing to go in the first place as, even though you were already pregnant, at least two of the factors (numbers 1 and 3) were unforeseen.

daisymoonlight · 21/04/2023 13:06

she didn't just find out it was breech, the baby is still breech so it is ongoing

Presumably the hen do was planned in advance - not the night before

daisymoonlight · 21/04/2023 13:08

Also, being heavily pregnant and worried about labour is not "flaking". Flaking is cancelling at last minute (on a regular basis) because you cant be arsed or have a better offer, not because you are heavily pregnant and worried about giving birth in a field