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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bail on SIL hen do when I'm bridesmaid

169 replies

Peachpicklepie · 21/04/2023 06:37

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and due to go to my future sister in law's hen do next week at 35 weeks. It's four hour's drive away in a field. My plan had been to take my notes and hospital bag, and assume all would be fine. However, my baby is still breech, and so far refusing to turn. In the unlikely event I go into labour I'm a) potentially on a long drive by myself b) 40 mins without traffic from the nearest labour ward (it's ten mins to the nearest midwife led unit which I would have gone to previously) and c) the hospital ward has just been downgraded from good to needs improvement in their most recent inspection. Another factor is that my first labour was fast, and started with my waters going - something that increases the risk for breech births. AIBU to pull out? I'm bridesmaid so really should be there...

OP posts:
anotherscroller · 21/04/2023 07:27

Remmy123 · 21/04/2023 06:40

You should go it's highly unlikely you will go into labour at 35 weeks!

I agree.
you’ll be twiddling your thumbs for weeks, wishing you’d joined in on the fun

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 21/04/2023 07:31

If you now do not want to go, a simple " I had completely forgotten what is was like to be this pregnant and I was bonkers for saying I can make it....sorry!" Is surely all that's needed?

RampantIvy · 21/04/2023 07:37

anotherscroller · 21/04/2023 07:27

I agree.
you’ll be twiddling your thumbs for weeks, wishing you’d joined in on the fun

Show quote history

In a field, potentially with inadequate facilities and a four hour drive away?

It would be a no from me.

PrincessScarlett · 21/04/2023 07:37

When is the wedding? I think I'd be more concerned about missing the wedding due to giving birth if I was bridesmaid then going on a hen do at 35 weeks.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/04/2023 07:41

Yanbu not to goYabu to have left it so late in the day
Presumably you were pregnant whe the planning was going on...
no idea why you didnt point out you'd be close to giving birth so either something more local not in a field would be good if they expected you to attend.

As it is i wouldnt go but i would have given WAY more advanced notice.

littlefireseverywhere · 21/04/2023 07:44

Exactly what the others have said. But @fivetriangulartrees summed it up perfectly in ‘you had me at field’.

when not of, of course, not an issue but late pregnancy when it’s a burden staying awake etc. enjoy a weekend at home.

Summerfun54321 · 21/04/2023 07:47

Just say you've had some braxton hicks and can't risk it. Absolute madness to be a bridesmaid heavily pregnant.

Beautiful3 · 21/04/2023 07:50

Honestly, you'd be stupid to go. My second was breech. Delivery was more complicated and a bit traumatic. Still had her under 5.5 hours. I definitely needed my husband there, for support. The baby is more important than the hen do, isn't it? Just say, "I can't come because the baby's breech, I need to be close to x hospital and husband." Why risk the baby's life, by trying to navigate a different hospital, who's standards of staff and care are lower? If she was a real friend, she would understand completely.

Cosyblankets · 21/04/2023 07:52

Not a chance

Ariela · 21/04/2023 07:53

I wouldn't go. However I'd organise a surprise - whether that's a bottle of champagne, or after dinner chocolates or something to show you've not forgotten

Starhead69 · 21/04/2023 07:55

On this occasion I think it’s definitely fine to bail. Yours and your baby’s wellbeing is the most important thing

rainyskylight · 21/04/2023 07:55

Don’t go. But don’t try and get out of paying your way. It’s too late to get out without paying your share.

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 21/04/2023 07:58

I wouldn't go, but why are you all (not you) driving four hours to hang about in a field? What's the actual hen do? Is it camping?

gamerchick · 21/04/2023 08:00

Kinda want to know what you're planning to do in a field....

Original poster
Peachpicklepie · 21/04/2023 08:02

Thanks for all the replies. To answer a few themes that have cropped up:

I've been generally well and active, so if the baby wasn't breech I'd be "happy" to go (although needing a lot of wee stops!). It's glamping with a disco, pub lunch, BBQ etc. so not physically challenging once there.

The hen was meant to be about an hour and half away when it was originally planned. But then due to the maid of honor being a bit slow booking we lost that reservation and it got moved.

The wedding is at the start of August. So that will be with a newborn and toddler.

Really like the idea of sending something in my absence, I'll speak to the pub!

And yes, all paid for, and no, won't be asking for a refund!

OP posts:
daisymoonlight · 21/04/2023 08:06

You and your baby's health is infinitely more important than a flipping hen do. Dont go. Its just not worth it. Anyone who argues with that is showing their true selfish colours.

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2023 08:07

Absolutely bonkers to go in the first place IMO. Of course you should pull out. I would have stood down as bridesmaid too.

I went for a scan at 36 weeks and they found the baby was lying across ways. The doctor was pissy that I didn’t have my hospital bag in the car, and said if you go in to labour in the 20 minutes drive home from the hospital, it’ll be an emergency situation. I did go home and grab my stuff but they weren’t happy. So yeah, a hen do, where you can’t have a drink, in a field 4 hours from home seems beyond ludicrous to me.

nevereverhaveieverfeltsobad · 21/04/2023 08:08

I wouldn't be going if I wasn't pregnant because I think hen dos are narcissism personified. Not content with expecting people to get new outfits/gifts/travels/hotels stays for wedding some people demand attendance at a glamping disco as well.

So self absorbed.

My cousin had an engagement party we were expected to travel for, then a hen do abroad for a week then the wedding. Utterly self absorbed expecting guests to shell out for that lot.

daisymoonlight · 21/04/2023 08:09

anotherscroller · 21/04/2023 07:27

I agree.
you’ll be twiddling your thumbs for weeks, wishing you’d joined in on the fun

Show quote history

Not that uncommon and if she did go into labour and there was a complication the fall out would be horrific. Labour aside, who wants to fck around in a field with a load of drunk people when very heavily pregnant? that wouldnt be my idea of "fun" when 35 weeks pregnant- it sounds like hell to me....

icallshade · 21/04/2023 08:10

My mums hen do was at 35+5 and I had my breech baby at 36 weeks. I just went to the meal, but in your case with it being so far away I would have cancelled. My sister went mental at me for not going to the main hen do activity (bee keeping experience, didn't fancy risking anaphylaxis at nearly 36 weeks pregnant) 😳🙄 some people have zero empathy for other people's situations, but I'm sure on your case they'll understand 😔

TheaBrandt · 21/04/2023 08:16

I was eye rolled as a kill joy for flatly refusing to go on a family weekend away for a significant birthday. I was 37 weeks with my first and assured my baby would “almost certainly” be late. Fortunately I stood my ground. My waters broke dramatically on the Saturday lunchtime of that weekend.

senua · 21/04/2023 08:32

I would emphasise that it is not due to flakiness but to a change in circumstances (breech).

However it does sound as if you think that YABU since you describe it as 'bailing'. Convince yourself first or else you will never convince SIL.

Baabaa75 · 21/04/2023 08:32

Hon at 35 weeks I wouldn't risk it, you never know what may happen and babies come early all the time. Mine were both unexpectedly early, went in for a routine scan and was in for a C section within a couple hours at 30 weeks! Both kids are fine but that's because I was able to get medical help quickly. A field 40 minutes away from an unfamiliar hospital would be a no from me 💐

Iamnotalemming · 21/04/2023 08:37

If it is making you feel anxious, don't go. You need calm happy vibes. She should understand. It wouls be reasonable to cover any costs incurred on your behalf though.

You could suggest to do something together before the hen to make up for not going? Take her for a pedicure or afternoon tea?

Echobelly · 21/04/2023 08:47

If you're not comfortable with it, don't go. The bride has no right to get sniffy with you, especially when you're planning on being her BM with a toddler and a newborn (which might be a bit ambitious in itself, but good luck!)