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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bail on SIL hen do when I'm bridesmaid

169 replies

Peachpicklepie · 21/04/2023 06:37

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and due to go to my future sister in law's hen do next week at 35 weeks. It's four hour's drive away in a field. My plan had been to take my notes and hospital bag, and assume all would be fine. However, my baby is still breech, and so far refusing to turn. In the unlikely event I go into labour I'm a) potentially on a long drive by myself b) 40 mins without traffic from the nearest labour ward (it's ten mins to the nearest midwife led unit which I would have gone to previously) and c) the hospital ward has just been downgraded from good to needs improvement in their most recent inspection. Another factor is that my first labour was fast, and started with my waters going - something that increases the risk for breech births. AIBU to pull out? I'm bridesmaid so really should be there...

OP posts:
verabarbleen · 21/04/2023 17:13

I don't think you
Should go maybe offer to take her for a lovely meal just you two instead , I went into labour at 37 weeks but i know many of my friends had their babies at 35 weeks and even the stress of the journey and being in a field could put you into labour early . She should understand, you have to put you and your baby first . Good luck !

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/04/2023 18:24

YANBU
At 35 weeks with a Breech baby. It's too much of a risk and should your waters go, you need a general hospital not a MLU
Apart from that, the fact that it's in a field, doesn't sound comfortable to me!

MeetMyCat · 21/04/2023 18:40

Please don’t be offended, but if I was one of the hens, I wouldn’t want you there (nothing personal). I would be worried about a medical emergency.

Newestname002 · 21/04/2023 19:17

@Peachpicklepie

If there was ONE time in your life you should put yourself first, this is it!!

Please give your apologies ASAP and hope everyone has a fabulous time. Ask to see the photos etc or look them up on SM. Take care of you. 🌹

Welshmonster · 21/04/2023 19:57

phrase it like I don’t want you’re lovely hen ruined by an ambulance turning up in a field and taking all the attention away from you.

is the field near other family so you could go up over a longer period and be driven there and back and stay with family.

Vee1987 · 21/04/2023 20:44

You're not unreasonable to not go, of course, but I would never have agreed to go in the first place, personally. (We declined a wedding from the start when I was pregnant as we thought there'd just be too many unknowns in the final weeks of pregnancy.) She will understand, though. I'd make it about the breech - as that isn't to be expected generally speaking. Good luck with the baby turning and with your last few weeks!

Tonkerbea · 21/04/2023 20:52

Don't go! The worst case scenario is a serious medical emergency. In a field. If SIL gets annoyed, it says more about her than your decision to keep you and baby safe.

Also, my second birth was very quick, it's really not worth the risk.

MammaEvz3 · 21/04/2023 21:18

I missed all 3 of my SILs hen dos because I was pregnant/had a small baby. Some things are more important than a party! Surely she will understand.

Dashel · 21/04/2023 22:09

I wouldn’t go, but depending on finances, I would offer to take her out for food and cocktails/ mocktails instead if I could afford it and send a funny gift to the hen

TiaraBoo · 21/04/2023 22:50

4 hour drive! Field! It’s a no from me

i didn’t even get invited to 2 of my SILs hen do’s (out of 3)

Crazydonkeylady · 21/04/2023 23:09

You are not being unreasonable. It would be crazy for you to go. Explain why and I’m sure everyone will understand. Your baby and you come first.

PippaF2 · 22/04/2023 01:14

I doubt she wants you there! I wouldn't want my 35wks pregnant SIL on my hen do.

Just say you've got a medical appointment and can't go. Whatever, just make your excuses and don't go.

Get her a nice gift and a card and pack her off with a bottle of champers.

Snellytheelephant · 22/04/2023 03:31

Don’t go!

SkyandSurf · 22/04/2023 04:28

Send a fancy bottle of champagne and your apologies.

I wouldn't contemplate this. If your SIL has a problem with you taking care of yourself at this point in time she's not worth worrying about.

user1492757084 · 22/04/2023 05:35

You are right to put the needs of your unborn child and your own health and comfort first.
Excuse yourself and send a small basket of flowers and enjoyable nibbles.

Okthenhun · 22/04/2023 07:46

You’d be unreasonable to go. Insanity in your situation

Hollyjeanne · 22/04/2023 07:47

Please don’t go, you could be putting yourself at risk at unnecessary risk. Your future SIL will surely understand but if your worried then just say you’ve been told by medical professional they that advised you don’t go.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 22/04/2023 08:27

I would say your midwife has strongly advised you don't go due to risk. She should understand if shes a normal person that loves you. You could join in remotely on some of the activities

SchoolShenanigans · 22/04/2023 08:29

YANBU. Babies always come before hen dos, anyone who would suggest otherwise are probably doing so for selfish reasons.

If your SIL can't understand, so be it. As a mum, you put your baby's health, and your own, first.

I've had premature births and complicated births. Also unpleasant pregnancies. No way would I be driving 4 hours away at 35 wks pregnant.

SunscreenCentral · 22/04/2023 08:33

I think YABU for asking if YABU.

MonkeypuzzleClimber · 22/04/2023 08:54

I camped on a surprisingly comfortable air mattress at a (very genteel) festival at 38 weeks pregnant, 6 hours from home with a breach baby.

When the inversion failed 2 days before, I asked my lovely consultant, expecting her to advise not to and she said “Why not?”.

It is possible, but the difference is I really wanted to go (family festival my husband helped organise that we had done every year for years), my husband was with me, nearest maternity unit was 30 min away and rated ‘good’, festival had medics and likely (due to its genteelness) was swarming with doctors 😂 It was also my second baby. She arrived, still breach at 41 weeks.

However, if you don’t feel comfortable DON’T GO! While it might be possible, these circumstances it really is your choice and you shouldn’t feel bad at all. If you think you might actually want to go, maybe ask your consultant’s advice?

Best wishes and congratulations in advance!

JustAnotherOpinion123 · 22/04/2023 09:15

My SIL didn't come to my hen party because she was shy. I completely understood and was fine with it.
If your SIL doesn't understand you not going because of something as important as this, then she's a d*ck.

Shealreadydonehadherseses · 22/04/2023 09:21

This is a risk management question.
If baby was head down and hospital was 40 minutes away OR baby is breech but hospital is next door then I'd consider it, but baby breech and hospital 40 minutes away, absolutely not. Paramedics will not have the expertise to deliver a breech baby. On top of that your first labour was quick? Statistically speaking, your second is likely to be quicker. Way too many risk factors here. The safe of you and your baby must take priority xx

Elaina87 · 22/04/2023 12:23

You're not being unreasonable, you have to do what feels right for you. When did you go into labour last time? It's unlikely you'll go so early but at the same time, you never know do you. I pulled out of my close friends abroad hen do and wedding when I was pregnant first time around - I was supposed to be bridesmaid. Hen do was when I was 32 weeks, but i had no idea how my pregnancy was going to go so had to decide in advance. I organised a smaller hen do for her instead. Wedding was abroad when I was 36 weeks so i couldn't risk it.

NickL22 · 22/04/2023 13:09

Remmy123 · 21/04/2023 06:40

You should go it's highly unlikely you will go into labour at 35 weeks!

Unlikely but not impossible! Add in a breech baby, a 4 hour drive and a bloody field and it's not exactly sensible 🙄