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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bail on SIL hen do when I'm bridesmaid

169 replies

Peachpicklepie · 21/04/2023 06:37

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and due to go to my future sister in law's hen do next week at 35 weeks. It's four hour's drive away in a field. My plan had been to take my notes and hospital bag, and assume all would be fine. However, my baby is still breech, and so far refusing to turn. In the unlikely event I go into labour I'm a) potentially on a long drive by myself b) 40 mins without traffic from the nearest labour ward (it's ten mins to the nearest midwife led unit which I would have gone to previously) and c) the hospital ward has just been downgraded from good to needs improvement in their most recent inspection. Another factor is that my first labour was fast, and started with my waters going - something that increases the risk for breech births. AIBU to pull out? I'm bridesmaid so really should be there...

OP posts:
FangedFrisbee · 21/04/2023 07:04

You should have told her no weeks ago.

MyPurpleHeart · 21/04/2023 07:05

Totally fair not to go and she should understand

But you should have known this when it was arranged. You were unreasonable to think you could do a hen do at 35 weeks in the first place

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 07:05

FangedFrisbee · 21/04/2023 07:04

You should have told her no weeks ago.

She probably didn't know baby was breech weeks ago or how she'd feel now.

Meandfour · 21/04/2023 07:09

MyPurpleHeart · 21/04/2023 07:05

Totally fair not to go and she should understand

But you should have known this when it was arranged. You were unreasonable to think you could do a hen do at 35 weeks in the first place

Why on earth is it unreasonable to think you can do a hen do at 35 weeks pregnant? I don’t think there’s any issue with it.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 21/04/2023 07:09

No don't go, let her know ASAP and do not feel guilty about it. The health of you/your baby is hugely more important any reasonable person would understand!

Lcb123 · 21/04/2023 07:10

You shouldn’t go, but you really should never have said yes, assuming you were pregnant when plans were made. My SIL had a newborn when I had my hen, and she was a bridesmaid, but she said from the start she couldn’t come.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 21/04/2023 07:10

Meandfour · 21/04/2023 07:09

Why on earth is it unreasonable to think you can do a hen do at 35 weeks pregnant? I don’t think there’s any issue with it.

Show quote history

It’s not a meal down your local. It’s a four hour drive away in a field.

Of course it was ridiculous to say yes.

Bubblebath90 · 21/04/2023 07:11

Regardless of baby’s breech position, a hen do in a field four hours away from home was never really going to be a viable option at 35 weeks pregnant. You’ve been irresponsible and shouldn’t have left it so late in the day to say you’re not going

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 21/04/2023 07:11

surely your midwife is monitoring your blood pressure DAILY so has told you not to go?

PrincessScarlett · 21/04/2023 07:17

I went on a hen do at 36 weeks so it's not mad to consider doing such an activity whilst pregnant. However, it was at a spa hotel, not in a field. And my baby wasn't breech. There's no way I would want to stay in a field heavily pregnant, particularly after a 4 hour drive.

Did you not realise the plans when first invited? I'm assuming the bride doesn't have children yet if they are presuming it's fine for you to camp.

Codlingmoths · 21/04/2023 07:18

Christ just say midwife says do not go.

tealgate · 21/04/2023 07:18

When is the wedding? Will you be able to go to that?

Tessisme · 21/04/2023 07:19

I'd have bailed out long ago if I had known I would be 35 weeks at the time of the hen do - and that's without a potential breech birth. In fact, even disregarding the field and the distance, my own experience of pregnancy at 35 weeks was that I was no longer having fun ... unless I was sitting on my arse eating ice lollies and binge watching TV, assuming I could see the TV over my mountainous, elevated ankles.

Honestly, pregnancy is different for everyone. Some people would be fine. But it would be a particularly hard hearted person who would get annoyed at you for not being able to attend a hen do in late pregnancy, whatever the reason.

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 21/04/2023 07:21

No, I wouldn't go. Just say you were advised against it by your health care team.

RedHelenB · 21/04/2023 07:22

Remmy123 · 21/04/2023 06:40

You should go it's highly unlikely you will go into labour at 35 weeks!

This.

SunshineAndFizz · 21/04/2023 07:22

There's absolutely no way I'd go.

Even if you don't go into labour, a sober hen party in field when you're that pregnant sounds like hell.

RedHelenB · 21/04/2023 07:22

Doidontimmm · 21/04/2023 07:02

Just say because baby is breach & you are in pain the midwife has strongly advised against you going.

Why lie?

Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 21/04/2023 07:22

No way in the world is that unreasonable.

TheaBrandt · 21/04/2023 07:23

I went into labour utterly randomly at 35 weeks. It was quick too.

Phoebo · 21/04/2023 07:23

Given the breech situation and 4 hour drive, then I'd say no! Hopefully she'll understand

RichardHeed · 21/04/2023 07:23

Don’t go. The added worry won’t be good for you even if nothing goes wrong. If she’s a good person she will understand, plus “doctors orders” as pp says, daily monitoring means you won’t be able to go!

WaltzingWaters · 21/04/2023 07:25

Interested to know what is going to be taking place in a field for a hen do?

I mean, it’s unlikely though of course a possibility of labour at 35 weeks. But I wouldn’t have wanted to taken that risk, nor would I have been able to drive for 4 hours at that stage in pregnancy.

They should fully understand why you need to cancel.

Thehonestbadger · 21/04/2023 07:26

Dude, no!

My SIL is getting married this year also and would never ever EVER expect anyone to do that! I’ve had two babies in the last 3 years and I wouldn't touch that debacle with a barge pole.

If you want to soften the blow and take the heat of the decision off yourself I’d hide behind your midwife (easily done they’ll never know) assume you’ll have another check coming up soon. Just send SIL a message like this ‘I’m really upset and disappointed to have to say this but I won’t be able to come to the hen do. Baby still hasn’t turned and my midwife has expressed serious concerns about me attending this event as there’s just not a safe back up plan in case I go into Labour. I understand this is disappointing but I know you would never want me to risk my child’s life just to attend an event, no matter how important it is ❤️’

custardbear · 21/04/2023 07:26

fivetriangulartrees · 21/04/2023 06:42

You've assessed the level of risk for you in this situation and decided it's not wise to go. That's completely reasonable!

But honestly you had me at "field".

Absolutely this, both comments - a FIELD!! 😱
Good luck with your baby I hope they turn

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 07:27

Why are so many people suggesting the OP lies? No rational woman would expect a vulnerable woman to attend her hen do and challenge her if she said she's not going.