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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bail on SIL hen do when I'm bridesmaid

169 replies

Peachpicklepie · 21/04/2023 06:37

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and due to go to my future sister in law's hen do next week at 35 weeks. It's four hour's drive away in a field. My plan had been to take my notes and hospital bag, and assume all would be fine. However, my baby is still breech, and so far refusing to turn. In the unlikely event I go into labour I'm a) potentially on a long drive by myself b) 40 mins without traffic from the nearest labour ward (it's ten mins to the nearest midwife led unit which I would have gone to previously) and c) the hospital ward has just been downgraded from good to needs improvement in their most recent inspection. Another factor is that my first labour was fast, and started with my waters going - something that increases the risk for breech births. AIBU to pull out? I'm bridesmaid so really should be there...

OP posts:
TheMorningBird · 22/04/2023 13:51

YANBU to pull out. My SIL, who was a bridesmaid, didn’t come to mine for monetary reasons, even though it was less than £100 and two years notice!

I do think you were maybe a little unrealistic to ever expect you’d be able to go. Even a low risk pregnancy a 35 weeks in a field would be a strong no from me.

WhoBird · 22/04/2023 14:14

i don’t think you should even need to ask, if I was the bride I would be telling you of course you must stay home and look after yourself before you even needed to say anything!!

Gemcat1 · 22/04/2023 19:19

What is more important here? Your life, your baby's life or your SIL's hen night? It may sound extreme but minutes, even seconds, count in a complicated birth which sounds like this might be. I'm sure that SIL will understand if you explain that you are uncomfortable being more than a few minutes away from your midwife unit. I think that I would be more upset that you turn up and worry the entire time about your baby.

Gemcat1 · 22/04/2023 19:22

Should add that maybe you could send something that your SIL to be would enjoy for the hen party. Bottles of wine, fun items to wear or even something just for her when she gets married.......

scroogemcfuckaduck · 22/04/2023 20:42

No you should not go

Mammyloveswine · 22/04/2023 20:52

Ive had to miss my best friends 40th birthday today very last minute as DH has been admitted to hospital.. nothing life threatening but I have no one else to watch the kids.

She is gutted but also appreciates that shit happens..

Op I wouldn't go if I were you and I'm sure your SIL will understand!!

Ohhoho · 22/04/2023 21:52

You are a bridesmaid when nearly term with your pregnancy? That would bother me a bit.. let alone the hen do

Macinae · 22/04/2023 22:19

Explain that as you're getting further along and due to the position of the baby, along with the long drive, you're feeling anxious about going so will have to give it a miss. Send a bottle of champagne.

People are allowed to change their minds, especially with the baby being breech, it's getting nearer to going and you just don't feel comfortable.

Sounds like my idea of hell anyway OP, so enjoy having a valid reason to get out of it 😆

Macinae · 22/04/2023 22:21

Also to add, you not going won't impact her day as it will still go ahead and you're not expecting a refund.

GoodChat · 23/04/2023 06:29

Ohhoho · 22/04/2023 21:52

You are a bridesmaid when nearly term with your pregnancy? That would bother me a bit.. let alone the hen do

The weddings not until august

Bedhead22 · 23/04/2023 07:06

Maisemoo · 21/04/2023 06:41

As a trained professional I would advise against this- breech delivery’s can be more complicated and need to be treated differently that ambulance crews etc do not have the training in. So if Labour did commence they wouldn’t be the expert professionals to rely on in my experience and that would be too much a risk in my opinion

I would say this and that your midwife has advised you not to (which they probably would)

Original poster
Peachpicklepie · 23/04/2023 07:38

Thank all - I'm not going to go. Speaking to the bride tonight. Hopefully she understands but if not I need to prioritise safety. Being breech is too big a factor to ignore.

OP posts:
icerosenovember · 23/04/2023 07:41

No, I wouldn't go. I'd want to be at home with my feet up. Thinking about being in a field and miles away at this stage in the pregnancy would freak me out.

Newestname002 · 23/04/2023 09:07

Peachpicklepie · 23/04/2023 07:38

Thank all - I'm not going to go. Speaking to the bride tonight. Hopefully she understands but if not I need to prioritise safety. Being breech is too big a factor to ignore.

Hope the conversation goes well but even if it doesn't you are doing the right thing. Good luck with your pregnancy and birth. 🌹

Jellywellyfish · 23/04/2023 09:45

You’re not being unreasonable as labour is completely unpredictable, however four hours is a long way to drive yourself when you’re that big. Sometimes you don’t realise how much it will affect you as you get closer to the due date.
you’ll probably be okay but it’s really not unreasonable to air on the side of caution.
my husband took me on a surprise weekend trip to York a week from my due date (which was two hours away) and I was really nervous 😂
if you’re worried and already planning to take hospital bag I’d just sack it off. Everyone will understand. Your situation has always been unpredictable.

MindatWork · 23/04/2023 09:51

Just another vote thst you’re doing the right thing op. I went into spontaneous labour at 34+4 with a breech baby (waters exploded like joshes falls and I started contracting half an hour later, was already dilating by the time I got to hospital.

You need to look after yourself, hopefully the bride understands. Maybe you could call the pub they’re going to and buy a couple of bottles of fizz? X

Yellowdays · 23/04/2023 10:03

YANBU

LT1982 · 23/04/2023 18:20

Peachpicklepie · 21/04/2023 06:37

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and due to go to my future sister in law's hen do next week at 35 weeks. It's four hour's drive away in a field. My plan had been to take my notes and hospital bag, and assume all would be fine. However, my baby is still breech, and so far refusing to turn. In the unlikely event I go into labour I'm a) potentially on a long drive by myself b) 40 mins without traffic from the nearest labour ward (it's ten mins to the nearest midwife led unit which I would have gone to previously) and c) the hospital ward has just been downgraded from good to needs improvement in their most recent inspection. Another factor is that my first labour was fast, and started with my waters going - something that increases the risk for breech births. AIBU to pull out? I'm bridesmaid so really should be there...

Not unreasonable AT ALL to not want to go....if the bride is annoyed by this (which I'm sure she wouldn't be) then she's the unreasonable one

Stewball01 · 30/04/2023 01:09

Maybe she didn't know it was breach when this was all arranged.
No. You should definitely not go.
You don't have to tell fibs. Your tummy is reason enough. Tell her what you told us. If she complains she's a cow. If the unmentionable happens during field time, send a video of you giving birth.
Good luck with your breach birth. I hope all goes well for you. Can't you change hospitals?

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