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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bail on SIL hen do when I'm bridesmaid

169 replies

Peachpicklepie · 21/04/2023 06:37

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and due to go to my future sister in law's hen do next week at 35 weeks. It's four hour's drive away in a field. My plan had been to take my notes and hospital bag, and assume all would be fine. However, my baby is still breech, and so far refusing to turn. In the unlikely event I go into labour I'm a) potentially on a long drive by myself b) 40 mins without traffic from the nearest labour ward (it's ten mins to the nearest midwife led unit which I would have gone to previously) and c) the hospital ward has just been downgraded from good to needs improvement in their most recent inspection. Another factor is that my first labour was fast, and started with my waters going - something that increases the risk for breech births. AIBU to pull out? I'm bridesmaid so really should be there...

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 21/04/2023 08:51

Well as you said you won't be asking for a refund or anything so I don't think there is anything wrong with saying no now. Just be honest 'Hi SIL, I thought I would be able to come but with baby being breech I'm just not feeling comfortable to go to your hen, I'm sure with all the amazing things planned you'll have a wonderful time'
I think the only thing that would make me not cancel would be if a lot of others had cancelled and there was no one else going!

Namechangenoidea · 21/04/2023 08:55

Are not unreasonable to not go but I think you are definitely unreasonable for letting her know so last minute. I don’t think you should have agreed to go in the first place.

MitchellMummy · 21/04/2023 08:59

If I was at the hen party I'd be worried about you going in to labour! Bride may secretly be worried too ...

Roselilly36 · 21/04/2023 09:01

Perfectly reasonable not to attend, surely the bride can’t seriously think you would?

ginlovingqueen · 21/04/2023 09:05

Nobody in their right mind would expect you to go at 35 weeks

ClairDeLaLune · 21/04/2023 09:07

Tell your SIL that your pregnancy is now high-risk (which is true), if she’s a reasonable human being she’ll understand. Don’t even think of driving whilst in labour, that would be really dangerous!

ginlovingqueen · 21/04/2023 09:07

If you have paid, maybe bride can invite someone else? Maybe somebody who would love tp
Go but can't afford it

MonsterMunchengladbach · 21/04/2023 09:08

You'd be insane to go.

Mangogogogo · 21/04/2023 09:08

I know it’s rare as fuck but I went into Labour at 35 weeks. I lived 2 mins from hospital and I managed to get my labour stopped on some kind of drip so I’d be wary but I guess that’s just from my personal experience! I’m not usually so risk assessment-y lol

MeetMyCat · 21/04/2023 09:10

God god no!

Summerishere123 · 21/04/2023 09:15

My sister is having 9 bridesmaids but only 6/7 are coming on the hen. Including her SIL to be. No drama!

Gigglemous · 21/04/2023 09:15

I stopped reading after the first line. You're pretty much full term. Give it a miss

TheaBrandt · 21/04/2023 09:20

Seems abit odd that she’s dragging you into all the arrangements anyway. Doesn’t she have friends to take on these roles rather than dragging in her husbands family members who have babies and toddlers and aren’t at the woo hoo fun wedding party stage of life?

Cailin66 · 21/04/2023 09:34

You would be crazy to go. That's even without it being a breech. You would hate it and be uncomfortable the entire time. A long drive, at 35 weeks would be utter madness. And your dates might be out too !

HoppingPavlova · 21/04/2023 09:35

You really lost me at 35 weeks pregnant and field. I wouldn’t care if it was situated right next to the best maternity hospital in the country. Just no. No idea what possessed you to say yes in the first place!

SleepingStandingUp · 21/04/2023 09:38

I think your SIL will understand. If you go into labour you really can't be driving yourself over an hour with big contractions. She should want you and her nibbling to be safe.

SadAsHell · 21/04/2023 09:38

nevereverhaveieverfeltsobad · 21/04/2023 08:08

I wouldn't be going if I wasn't pregnant because I think hen dos are narcissism personified. Not content with expecting people to get new outfits/gifts/travels/hotels stays for wedding some people demand attendance at a glamping disco as well.

So self absorbed.

My cousin had an engagement party we were expected to travel for, then a hen do abroad for a week then the wedding. Utterly self absorbed expecting guests to shell out for that lot.

Yes you are totally right. Nobody should ever celebrate "self absorbed" events such as birthdays, anniversary's, weddings. It is the height of narcissism! 🙄

OP the bride should defo understand under the circumstances. Are you nervous she might be upset? Send something to the venue, meet her that morning to wave her off, it'll be grand!

1983Louise · 21/04/2023 09:40

Please don't go, it's not like it's something important, you must look after yourself and your baby. Tbh if I was the hen I wouldn't want you there, I say that in the nicest way but you really need to be at home. Hope everything goes well with the birth x

SleepingStandingUp · 21/04/2023 09:40

TheaBrandt · 21/04/2023 09:20

Seems abit odd that she’s dragging you into all the arrangements anyway. Doesn’t she have friends to take on these roles rather than dragging in her husbands family members who have babies and toddlers and aren’t at the woo hoo fun wedding party stage of life?

You know some people are actually friends with their in laws right?

LakieLady · 21/04/2023 09:41

I wouldn't want to go to a hen do in a field even if I wasn't pregnant!

Tell her your midwife has said it's too risky, send a bottle of something nice in your place.

DeflatedAgain · 21/04/2023 09:45

Please don't go.

Just do something separately with her once baby has arrived x

ZekeZeke · 21/04/2023 09:45

Talk to her, face to face preferably, to ler know you wont be going, don't do it by message.

CheetahCheetah · 21/04/2023 09:48

Don’t go. (You wouldn’t have been going to a midwife led unit at 35 weeks though!)

JusthereforXmas · 21/04/2023 09:51

I popped at 36, 37 and 38 weeks respectively. I wouldn't be traveling 4 hours that late in any pregnancy (unless fleeing death like war or disaster).

When you say in a field your not camping are you? I attempted that at 3 months pregnant when young, fit and healthy with my first pregnancy and it sucked, I wouldn't dream of it at 35 weeks.

It should be bloody obvious you can't go. Maybe offer an olive branch of a 2nd smaller local hen do like afternoon tea with just the bridesmaids or family if you still want to do something for the bride and feel involved.

Geckle · 21/04/2023 09:51

Personally, I wouldn’t go. It is on the risky side. Sil, unless a completely unreasonable person, should be understanding of this.

I also don’t think it’s fair to say op shouldn’t have agreed to go in the first place.
Unless she had a crystal ball into the future, she wouldn’t have known she would feel this way or have a higher risk pregnancy.