If you could choose your baby’s sex for free, would you?

[Lelophants]

Interesting discussion with a friend earlier. She knows two people who flew to USA to do ivf and select their preferred sex of baby (both boys - they had girls already). Clearly they were also v wealthy.

If it was completely free for anyone to do ivf and choose your baby’s sex, would you do it?

YABU - I would never do it
YANBU - ooh I would do this

Yeah I want a little sister for DS.

I wouldn't have for my first though.

No, definitely not. Even if I didn't have to go through IVF. It would feel like I picked my DC off a shelf in a shop. It feels very wrong to me.

I think I’m in the minority for not choosing. Even though I have ideas of what I’d like, I feel bad choosing - like I’d miss out on my ‘real’ intended child but I know that’s crazy because you can never get all the kids anyway.

I'd be tempted to! But I don't agree with messing with nature. And obviously an imbalance in the sexes is not a good idea for the continuing of the species!

I also like to believe that it's fate that sent me my children,so to do any interventions like that would ruin the illusion!

But would definitely be tempted. I don't want any more kids but if I did I'd want a third of the same.

I wouldn't do ivf as I couldn't cope with the invasive procedures but if you could take a magic pill I'd have chosen the sex every time. I'd have done girl boy girl.

I would have yes. I had 2 boys first and desperately wanted a daughter, my 3rd was to be my final child regardless of gender. I went into a rabbit hole world of gender swaying, joined a forum and spent hours and hours researching and perfecting my sway. The stress was unreal, especially after I got pregnant. I must add that I wanted a 3rd child regardless and I’ve have loved that baby regardless of gender. Anyway it was a girl and I was delighted. If someone had offered me to have the IVF gender selection instead of go through all of that, hell yes I’d have done it.

There’s a lot of stigma around parents wanting a preference for a child and I haven’t read the comments on this thread yet but can guarantee what they will say. But gender disappointment is a real thing and made worse by societies response to it, be grateful you can have a child etc. But its a real thing and can cause genuine depression.

I have one of each so the sex of a third wouldn’t be important to me.
I would like to be able to choose one of these MN “AMAZING” babies/ kids.
Mine are both pretty ordinary kids as are their friends.
Surprised at how many posters have AMAZING kids.
😁😁

This!

With my second I wanted them to be the same sex as my first so they would be friends, but as it turns out my second is wonderful and perfect. So I feel if I could have chosen I would have but it would have been the wrong choice!

I wouldn't do it but I also wouldn't try and have a child if I thought I would be disappointed with its sex.

I understand people get disappointment that as a suprise feeling and thats not their fault- you can't control how you feel.
But I wouldn't try for a baby if I already thought "if it comes out a girl I will be really disappointed". Thats too much to put on a baby and its unfair- if I was not ready to be over the moon excited and happy with whatever I had- I would not be ready to have a child.

I think if this was possible in the UK we would end up with a huge imbalance in favour of girls.

Why is this? Lots of posters are saying what their preference would be but not why, and it’s usually girls.

I have 2 DC, first a girl second a boy. I had a very strong preference for a girl first time, and a mild preference for another girl the second time. Of course now I have baby DS I wouldn’t trade him for any number of girls!

For me it’s because girls seemed a much safer bet - much less likely to be violent or get into crime, or have autism or other behavioural problems. My relationship with my dad is basically non existent as he’s an alcoholic, I didn’t grow up with any good male role models.

I had to do a bit of talking to myself and remind myself that DS is half DH who I adore, and is a completely new person who will be raised away from the toxic males in my family. After that settled in I got excited to meet him and of course when he was born the worries just melted away, I couldn’t love him any more now.

But I do wonder if it’s this ‘men are violent/sexist/perverts’ and toxic masculinity narrative that makes women reluctant to raise boys, rather than specifically wanting girls. If that makes sense.

I live in France, where any woman eligible for IVF can have up to four rounds funded by social security.

In 2020 the Macron government implemented new reforms of the law on IVF. They mostly focused on who is entitled to IVF (e.g. extending the eligibility criteria to cover lesbians and single women using sperm donors), but one specific proposed reform was legalising preimplantation genetic screening, which is the procedure which allows the genetic karyotype of a five day blastocyst to be analysed. This reform did not pass. The arguments against it were essentially that embryo selection allows doctors to play God.

Some pressure groups claimed it was an attempt to eliminate people with Down Syndrome. Personally I think this is a ridiculous argument since it is perfectly legal to abort foetuses with Down Syndrome and indeed most couples are encouraged to abort Down Syndrome foetuses by their doctors. Preimplantation genetic screening would simply prevent embryos with genetic anomalies from being implanted in the first place. Since the vast majority of Down Syndrome babies are conceived naturally, and the vast majority of embryos with genetic anomalies do not have Trisomy 21, the impact of legalising preimplantation genetic screening on the live birth rate of Down Syndrome babies would be practically zero.

Another objection to the procedure is that it would allow doctors and would-be parents to play God in other ways, such as by choosing the sex of their babies. Again, I think this objection is stupid, because there are many countries where preimplantation genetic screening is legal, but the sex of the embryos cannot be disclosed to the would-be parents.

Anyway, that aspect of the reforms did not pass and preimplantation genetic screening remains illegal in France.

On the day that proposed reform was rejected by the French parliament, I had just found out that I was pregnant for the 6th time in 15 months. I kept having first trimester miscarriages and nobody knew why. My new doctor had various ideas about different treatments we could try, but he was very clear that if all else failed, the last resort would be to do IVF with preimplantation genetic screening. Unfortunately, since it was illegal in France, I would have to go to Spain to do it.

When I heard that the proposal to legalise preimplantation genetic screening had been voted down by the French parliament, I cried all day. I was sure that my latest pregnancy would end in miscarriage, as all my others had, and that I would have to find tens of thousands of euros to go to Spain and do IVF there. All because idiots like Paris Hilton in countries where designer babies are legal give preimplantation genetic screening a bad name.

@Coffeeandbourbons I think it's because women tend to prefer 'girlier' things being women themselves. Prefer activities aimed at girls, toys aimed at girls, clothes aimed at girls, hope to have a mother daughter relationship and all they hope that might entail. They get put off by seeing boisterous boys fighting etc.

Having had only sons I can honestly say it's been wonderful. My eldest is incredibly sensitive, but hasn't got a mean or judgemental bone in his body. There is no drama and I love following his interests. I can't wait for to get to know the other two as they get older.

I actually think one of the reasons women often don't have a close relationship with grown sons is because the families I often see with a girl and a boy, the dad does 'boys days' and the mum and daughter do 'girls days'. It's like the bond is being pushed in one direction from toddlerhood!
It's no surprise when in adulthood the son isn't close to his mum when it's the dad that's been to all his events or matches or played computer games with him and taken an interest in him beyond just being a son. The daughter takes on the role of being the one that is close and contacts her mum regularly etc and the son distances himself once the 'basic needs' aren't needed anymore.

Jesus that's sickening

I think I would have chosen to have one of each. Having said that, I couldn't imagine not having either one of the DSs..

No, it's unethical which is why it is unlawful in so many countries.

Why should only wealthy people be able to pay for designer babies?

What happens if you pay for a girl, and she doesn't turn out to be girly enough, can you request a refund?

I think it's so interesting that in the UK most indicate that they have a preference for a girl where in large parts of the world female babies have been abandoned or murdered because of their sex.

Before I had children/before I had baby 2, I would probably have chosen girls (baby 1 was a girl). And that would have been a real shame because until DC2 i never would have thought I'd want to be a boy mum but I love it!

Do you think though this preference is coming from women who want to recreate or repair thr relationship they had with their own mother, or who think they will understand a female child better? For me, I always felt awkward around boys growing up and still find women mostly easier to talk to, I couldn't imagine being a parent to a boy!

The points you make are really interesting. I wanted two boys but for the same reasons in reverse, that I didn’t want a girl to potentially go through abuse, violence etc. And thought any boys I had would be mini versions of DH who is decent and a gentlemen. It’s always scared me to have a girl in case they get hurt, I just feel like they are so much more vulnerable. I know that I got into some awful situations when younger and it scares me she’ll go through the same…

I have one DS and pregnant with a DD, I’m already thinking about self defence courses for her! Want her to grow up feeling like she can deal with anything.

I don't think either reason is a good enough reason for commercial sex selection.

What a shame that you didn't think you could be a good parent to a boy, I'm glad your DS has proved that wrong.

@Coffeeandbourbons girls are just as likely to be autistic as boys. They are just massively under-diagnosed.

My DD is autistic.

My DS is also autistic but he's doesn't have behavioural problems 🙄

A thousand times, this.

No way. A step too far I would never have done this

I really wanted a dd when i was pregnant first time, but i am so very glad i did not have the choice as i have 2 ds and i would not change this for anything.