Aftermath of brother’s wedding

[HuxleyDog]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago.

After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding.

They now have a lovely five month old baby!

Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed.

My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about.

It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money.
None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing.
I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

Well, I think all of you were at least a bit U.

Your brother and SIL were somewhat U to exclude your baby, and very U to un-invite your husband. It does come across as one of those 'look at MEEEE on MY big day' weddings, rather than a celebration of a happy occasion.

You were U to drop in unannounced on your bereaved SIL.

Your dad was EXTREMELY U to jump in with both heavy feet and interfere, and then not even tell you so that you ended up being blamed for something you knew nothing about.

As a pp said, the only person who seems to have done nothing U is the baby.

Exactly.

Then OP turns up somewhere she knows she won't be wanted in order to make her the saint who turned up despite it all.

It's no wonder the SIL doesn't like them

Well put!
I think the OP just needs to let SIL go her own way and not sweat it.

If the baby HAD made any kind of fuss during the wedding and it wasn't handled right away, I can see the SIL being upset. But instead, the SIL is making hash out of a beef roast by tearing it all apart to look for fault that doesn't exist. It also sounds like SIL's own dad paid for the band so they didn't "lose" anything of their wedding. She sounds very spoiled and entitled. Poor brother and child; they will have a time of it.

I am thinking that when they said DH would pop into the reception, it would be after the OP went home to be with the baby. So, SIL thought people might ask about the baby and that would not do at her wedding reception?

I wonder how SIL would feel if the funeral home said no babies at the funeral as it would "ruin the solemn atmosphere"?

The reasonableness of your statement hinges on the idea that a) the father was being controlling in deciding how his own money is spent in response to an exclusionary act by one sibling to another and) that the bride and groom's wishes are paramount no matter how unreasonable and hurtful they are.

Of course, in the real world people actually don't get to be fucking horrible because they are getting married and have everyone else accept it meekly. It isn't reality TV.

DSS sounds like he grabbed onto whatever life jacket he could as his boat sinks. The deployment will help him think of what it is he really wants in a relationship and maybe his wife will also grow up a bit.

I do agree with that. The baby, who could have ruined the wedding, the reception, the honeymoon and the lives of DB and CSIL, is the only star of this drama.

Unless it was your culture to do so, it wasn't a good idea to go round to SIL's house right after her father died.

But hey, my SIL, when called to tell her and DB that our father was going to die in the next 24 hours said, "Oh, I hope not this weekend! We already have plans!".
Sadly, our father ignored her wishes.

Mate just fucking no

Some people here are really into kicking berieved for past percieved sins.

I wonder how SIL would feel if the funeral home said no babies at the funeral as it would "ruin the solemn atmosphere"?

Who takes a baby to a funeral?

This won't end well for your brother because eventually his wife's narcissistic behaviour will end the marriage.

Plenty of people. I was at a funeral last week and there was a 6 week old there. Nobody batted an eyelid. She cried briefly during the service and was taken out.

It's very normal for many of us to have all ages at all celebrations, be those of life or death.

And would you be offended if it was against the rules of the funeral home, which was the (pointless) comparison the previous poster made to someone setting rules for their own wedding?

Was that to me? Would I be offended if a crematorium said babies weren't allowed? I'd think they were making shit up would be my first reaction.

Closer comparison would be a widow asking for no babies in case one cried during a moment of sad reflection versus a bride asking for no babies in case one cried during the vows. I'd find both reactions a little OTT but would respect the former far more.

I took my baby to a funeral. A friend died when my baby was a month old. I couldn't have left a bf baby at that point. He slept through the whole thing and I would have taken him away from the service had he woken and cried. I didn't get him out of the car seat during the wake - just stayed long enough to be polite then took him home. I really hope my friends family didn't mind - it didn't occur to me at the time that they would. I just wanted to pay my respects

So many posts are confusing! So the SIL/DB are 'narcissist' for wanting the wedding as they wanted it, and being upset that op and her DM come round to visit after her father's death (despite clearly disliking her), but the OP and her family are absolutely in the right because she and the baby should have been centred at the wedding (df horrible reaction re money is awful) and of course op being upset that sil was upset about her going round when she was grieving is of course more important?
Think pp comment re it's clear who is golden child in this family with everyone running around to placate them and all the blackmailing in the past!
And yes with the wide eyed 'I was just being caring' 🙄

I don't think it was insincere of the OP to state that she was just being caring. Obviously, she would herself wish others to come and show that they care if she suffers a bereavement or other major crisis. But I think she was somewhat insensitive not to realize that not everyone's the same, and that some people find it painful and intrusive to have to make our grief 'social' and to deal with condolence visits from anyone to whom we are not really close.

I find it confusing how people will say that a wedding is just a day, just a party, and the bride/groom need to get over themselves… yet people who aren’t paying for it, aren’t planning it, have no role other than an invited guest will absolutely demand that what they want is accommodated. If it’s only a day, what does it matter if children are welcome? Or who else is invited? It’s completely contradictory to me to dismiss how important a wedding is to the people getting married, yet talk about how important it is to include this person or that. Either it’s a big deal or it’s not, imo.

People need to respect someone’s no. It doesn’t matter if you would do the same, if you agree with their choices for their event. It’s theirs, not yours. Your only choice is to attend or not.

That you were there, waiting in her home as she walked through the door after her father died… no. You didn’t consider her feelings at all. You admit the relationship has been strained for two years, why on earth would you being in her home, uninvited, without warning, on one of the hardest days of her life be a good thing?

Frankly, it seems as though neither OP or her parents consider much beyond what they want.

People need to respect someone’s no. It doesn’t matter if you would do the same, if you agree with their choices for their event. It’s theirs, not yours. Your only choice is to attend or not.

That goes both ways though. If the bride and groom's arrangements are egrariously selfish and unreasonable of course people will have issues with that and there will be longer-term consequences in terms of family relationships.

Also OPs father was contributing money towards the wedding so it's not a case of people who were not paying for it.

As I said, the guests have the right to decline the invitation. That’s the only thing they get a say in.

And the father? He waded in after OP complained, turned a gift into blackmail, and then didn’t pay in the end. But OP, who was the originator of the argument, wasn’t ever paying.

Personally, I think it’s egregious and selfish to demand someone change their plans for you, drag others into the argument, than to plan a wedding you and your future spouse want that doesn’t make everyone happy.

Why are guests more important than the couple? As I said, either it’s ‘just one day, no big deal’ or it’s an important occasion, and one in which the couple who are actually getting married should be a priority, imo.

I do agree that this situation has ruined relationships. But where the responsibility for that lies, I suspect we’d disagree.

Your SIL even before grief is completely out of order and they should not have relied on your Dad paying for their band in the first place!

You are never going to win with her she's clearly never going to want to not be in control and not be the victim in everything!

No point flogging a dead horse so to speak! She clearly doesn't want a relationship with your family which although hurts you is her own soap box to stand on!

As people have already responded, many different people from different cultures and different walks of life.

This. Brits are the outliers in terms of attitudes to babies and young children at funerals.