Aftermath of brother’s wedding

[HuxleyDog]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago.

After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding.

They now have a lovely five month old baby!

Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed.

My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about.

It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money.
None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing.
I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

I think what all this boils down to is you wanted to be the centre of attention with new baby at her wedding and she wanted to be the centre of attention.
My ex sil and I had equally awful squabbles and family falling out over our weddings and babies. I will admit there was jealousy and attention seeking involved on both our parts. Looking back now ten years on I am deeply ashamed of myself. Deeply. I’m divorced and remarried but if I ever saw her I would say sorry. Take a good honest look at what your motivations actually are in doing things and try to be the better person. It would be much nicer if you could make a friend of her.

I agree.

Don't go round to her house again, give her time and space.

This.

SIL's behaviour seems very irrational and extreme, you won't change that.

It always sad when someone we love goes and marries someone we will just never be able to get along with.

What a mess.

Your brother needs to unpick this. You all need to stand back completely and let the dust settle. Sounds like there's been enough pot stirring, so stay well away.

Your dad was very unreasonable. Gifts shouldn't come with strings.If there's strings then terms should be laid out before it's offered.
I am surprised that your brother visits your home after all of the wedding drama. I am even more surprised that you and your mother went to see SIL at home when she was at her lowest. I think she's right about the wedding being ruined by your side of the family. It's great that your baby slept through but there might be part of her who was worried about your baby waking up so she couldn't focus on the ceremony. I also wonder about the family dynamics here- are you the golden child by any chance?
Your husband has been treated horribly by your brother and SIL. How sad that he went from friend to just your husband.

I don’t understand why they didn’t want your newborn at their wedding. Having said that, it was their decision. First you asked them to change their minds, then your mother got involved, then you said you’d leave the baby with your DH but he’d ‘pop in’ to the reception (with the baby?) to give them his congratulations, then you father went back on his promise to pay for their wedding band because they didn’t want your DH to do that.

In the end you got your own way and you all went, not because they wanted you to but because of the pressure your family put them under. You didn’t even sit at the back so you could take the baby out if they fussed because your ‘father insisted.’

For you, it was all fine because you got what you wanted and you think it’s fine because the baby didn’t cry. For her, she got exactly what she didn’t want (a baby at the wedding) plus a lot of extra stress (at an already stressful time) and arguments in the run up to her wedding, probably arguments with her now husband for caving and she’ll have spent the ceremony waiting for the baby to cry.

When you know that you don’t have a good relationship with her anymore, she doesn’t come and see you anymore, why on earth did you go around at such an emotional time when she’s lost her father?

I can see both sides, but I’d just let her be. I can’t understand why you thought she’d want to see you right now though!!

Wedding nonsense aside, you shouldn't have gone to her house. She just lost her dad, why would she want someone she isn't talking to there? You were just trying to make it about you, I agree with her on that.

Yabvu to go round to someone house uninvited immediately after their father has died. Particularly together and particularly someone who doesn’t like you. Whether she was right or wrong now isn’t the time.
I don’t understand why you went round to be honest and I think it was thoughtless.

I also think your dad was wrong to only money with conditions and I’m not surprised her dad turned the money down.

I think they were wrong to exclude your family from their wedding, but your timing was shocking.

Maybe it's just me but I think attention seeking and wanting to be centre of attention something young children do, in adults it's odd

Your sil is unhinged at the best of times after a major bereavement she was likely to be worse.You should have sent flowers and a card and left a voice message to offer condolences. Your brother is a wet blanket. Just live your own life. If your brother comes to see you and your child great but don't expect the cousins to grown up close or lament the loss of a relationship. She doesn't like you and probably never will. Let it go, her dad has just died.

I don't understand people not wanting a baby at a wedding. It's part of the richness of a whole family being present, the pleasure of being with new generations, the passage of life. Having a baby gurgling away is fine, not trusting a parent to take a crying/screaming baby out of the church is ridiculous. Your SIL sounds like a nightmare. If I was you I would concentrate on maintaining your relationship with your brother as much as you can. He'll probably need your support in the future!

I think the DB/SIL behaviour over the wedding was batshit, but why on earth would you go round and sit in her house (knowing she doesn’t like you) when her dad had died? That’s really odd.

@sweetgingercat Well it's for the reasons you stated. My husband and I didn't want to have to shout our vows over the noise of babies crying or have interruptions of children and toddlers running around. We had an adults only wedding and it was really lovely :) Also, we only knew about five children at the time so saying 'no kids' wasn't a huge imposition on our family and friends.

I know MN goes crazy when babies aren’t invited, but I don’t see that they did anything wrong

They uninvited the OP's DH and banned him from even being outside the church with the baby. Do you really think they did nothing wrong?

That’s the norm for me but it’s also the norm in my world for people with babies to sit at the back so they can pop out if the baby cries.

So, your SIL didn’t want the baby at the wedding but the baby came to the wedding. Your dad refused to contribute to the wedding because your DH and baby weren’t invited so they had less money to plan the day they wanted. I can see where she’s coming from, TBH. She’s handled it badly, but the event really did become all about you and what you wanted, so I can understand why she’s upset. The last thing anyone needs when planning a wedding is all that extra conflict and hassle. Regardless of the morality, the ‘children are the best bit about a wedding’, ‘families should be together’ blah blah blah, this was their wedding, so their preferences, their decisions, and they get to make their choices as you made yours. If you don’t like theirs you respectfully decline the invitation. It was up to your brother to sort this out, and he clearly failed to do so. You’ll have to leave it for now. Send a sympathy card and maintain a relationship with your brother and hopefully their child.

Oo, Bridezilla alert!

‘Poor woman’? 🤦🏻‍♀️

A wedding is meant to be about the joining of two families, not playing at being Queen Arsehole for the day.

It was a very odd and insensitive choice to go to her house unannounced 'immediately' after her dad died. I can't get my head around why you would have done that tbh?

OP when you’ve had a baby or are used to them and their crying, you’d be accepting of one at your wedding. Most brides have no experience and want to control their perfect day plans- a baby flies in the face of that. If I marry again I’d invite babies, we didn’t have any kids at ours (mostly down to cost) and I’d have felt uneasy about a babe in arms.
Money is emotive, the problem there was that it wasn’t freely given when presumably your brother thought it was, but everyone found out too late what the terms were!
Leave SIL alone, she’s grieving- I wouldn’t even rock up at my best friends house or a relative after a major bereavement unless they wanted me to - I’d speak to them and ask first.
Back off, sadly this sounds like a rift that won’t heal. Keep in touch with your DB BUT DO NOT BAD MOUTH SIL to him

It’s absolutely reasonable for someone to want to be present at their siblings wedding and absolutely unreasonable for someone to try and exclude a tiny baby. No mother on earth wants to be away from a days/weeks old baby for more than a few minutes.

Your SIL was jealous and behaved terribly. Some day (probably when she has DC) she will cringe with shame over her actions

She sounds awful.

Your dad sounds great.

People calling sil unhinged but quite frankly, going unannounced to a house of bereaved you don't have good relationship with sounds like sil is not the only one with attention issues (or unhimged). No wonder you all clash. Some of your family acted bad about the wedding too...

I would too kick people out if they did that. Even thouse I don't actively dislike

I haven't read the other thread, but for goodness' sake, her father has just died. Now isn't the time.

Talk to your brother and explain that you and your mum knew absolutely nothing about this, and hope it eventually gets back to her. Then leave her be.

Fuck them and block her back. She can't be that upset about her dad if she's using him to score points off you.

Renew your vows and only invite DB. See how SIL likes her and her baby being excluded.