Page 12 | Aftermath of brother’s wedding

HuxleyDog · 2023-04-20T09:11:03+00:00

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog]] I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago. After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding. They now have a lovely five month old baby! Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed. My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about. It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money. None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing. I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBaby · 21/04/2023 18:08

Mortimercat · 21/04/2023 06:53

I think now I have read on your other thread that you lived a 12 minute walk away from the church they were being married in, that you were being unreasonable to essentially bully them, along with your father, to permit your baby’s attendance.

I think it is reasonable that they didn’t want a baby’s cries interrupting their twice postponed ceremony and considering the baby’s home was twelve minutes walk away you could have sorted something very easily without turning their wedding into a huge family argument, essentially about you.

And why on earth did you and your mum rush around when her father had just died, considering the state of the relationship? Why on earth would she want to see you? You did spoil her wedding, well you certainly made it all about you. You are a self centred bully. Leave her alone. I’d have nothing to do with you either.

Oh come off it. The only people who ruined their own wedding was Bridezilla and her wet blanket of husband. Weddings are and should be about the joining of two families not leaving people out or inviting them and then suddenly

OhmygodDont · 21/04/2023 18:12

The people who say joining of two family’s.

I take it your in-laws and your friends are friends and get on then. That you would genuinely invite both sets out at the same time for a meal out etc as if you really was now one big family.

Because all the marriages I know that don’t happen it’s still very much two separate families. Like they may overlap when it comes to seeing children on birthdays as in both happen to pop around the same time but my In-laws and my parents would never ever say go out together for a meal with me and dh and the children. They don’t even send each other Christmas cards.

OhmygodDont · 21/04/2023 18:12

In-laws and parents not friends *

Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBaby · 21/04/2023 18:15

@Mortimercat Pressed send too soon. Un inviting them. My cousins wedding caused a massive rift in our family due to my DSis partner not being invited. Both my DMum and DSis refused to go to the wedding out of principle. Me and my exH only went otherwise my Grandma would have had no way of getting there or back

laalaaland · 21/04/2023 18:31

Your SIL is all about the drama and sounds very high maintenance.
Give her the space she wants. Stop trying to justify yourself. You've done nothing wrong.

oosha · 21/04/2023 18:52

Your SIL sounds like a major twat and your brother needs to grow some balls. I have never ready anything so childish from their perspective. Life is too short to put up with a pair of twats like that. Don’t worry yourself one bit, just get on with your lives. If SIL wants to spend the rest of her life bottling up resentment then that’s her issue, leave her to it.

Weedoormatnomore · 21/04/2023 19:00

Oh dear op sil sounds nuts. Was your brothers house to so nothing wrong with you being there !

Ooolaaaala · 21/04/2023 19:02

Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBaby · 21/04/2023 18:15

@Mortimercat Pressed send too soon. Un inviting them. My cousins wedding caused a massive rift in our family due to my DSis partner not being invited. Both my DMum and DSis refused to go to the wedding out of principle. Me and my exH only went otherwise my Grandma would have had no way of getting there or back

Both my DMum and DSis refused to go to the wedding out of principle.

To a cousins wedding? Because of a plus 1 for your sister……no where near a comparable situation.

They sound absolutely excruciating.

I would be mortified if I were you.

DuskHail · 21/04/2023 19:21

I honestly don’t understand why people tiptoe around brides and grooms and are expected to do everything they say without question. It’s a fucking party for gods sake - ONE day. It should be about the people you love all being together to celebrate your marriage. But it ends up being a big fantasy show and brides become absolute selfish, self absorbed crazy dick heads that want everyone to act like puppets so they can pretend everyone is having a wonderful time. And they are willing to tell people how to behave and fall out with family members because they haven’t conformed to their every wish. It’s unbelievable!
It’s all a load of bollocks anyway, same old shit different day. Bloody log slices, burlap, hay bales, flowers that die in a few days but cost half your mortgage, some band that no one remembers cos they’re all too pissed to listen, an overpriced dress that you wear once and shove in the loft for ever more, a photographer to take photos that no one ever looks at again bar maybe the one you hang on your wall, stupid wedding favours that most people chuck straight in the bin when they get home. Utter bollocks, waste of money. Everyone thinks they’re being so original but it’s all been done a million times before and is the biggest waste of money in the world. I feel better now, phew.

coeurnoir · 21/04/2023 19:29

RunningFromInsanity · 20/04/2023 12:55

She had a very stressful wedding cancellation/preparation.
She didn’t want a baby at the wedding, your father then withdrew funding, for a wedding she presumably already paid for.
She then ended up having the baby at her wedding anyway.
Her father died and someone she doesn’t get on with (you) turned up straight away?

YABU

This. I'm with the SIL here and would like to know her side of the story.

I think you need to stay away OP whatever your relationship before and whatever people on here tell you, your actions and your fathers actions meant she (and your brother) had a stressful wedding when it should have been a lovely event after they'd had a bad year. Yea, I read your other thread and thought that you were not only unreasonable then but that you had only told part of the saga in order to generate sympathy from a bunch on strangers on line.

coeurnoir · 21/04/2023 19:33

Ponderingwindow · 20/04/2023 12:58

Parental contributions to weddings are optional. Effectively excluding a sibling from a wedding because of a newborn baby is disgusting behavior. Your father did the right thing by refusing to contribute to a wedding where that was going to happen. There should be no apology.

Yes, they are. But what this man did was choose his daughter over his son on his sons special day. Great parenting there.

Enfys1982 · 21/04/2023 19:40

I can’t believe some posters are defending the SIL who quote frankly sounds like a nightmare. I know it might come as a surprise to some couples but your wedding isn’t anywhere near as important as you think it will be. Most people only attend for a free feed, to catch up with family and friends and to have a good old knees up. I understand why some people might what a child free wedding, but nieces and nephews are close family IMO and should always be included and babe in arms costs nothing more to accommodate as they don’t need to be fed! This was more about SIL being a bridezilla not wanting to be upstaged by new baby on her ‘special day’. The un inviting of the OP’s DH was astonishingly rude and telling him he couldn’t stand outside the church, which is presumably a public place entitled and twattish.

diddl · 21/04/2023 19:44

SIL who quote frankly sounds like a nightmare.

Op is well rid then isn't she?

VivaVivaa · 21/04/2023 19:46

The wedding thing is bonkers on their behalf.

But I can’t believe you just pitched up, uninvited to her house just after her DF died when you admit yourself you aren’t even close. I’d have kicked you out as well. I suspect she can’t stand your family and the events after her father died was the straw that broke the camels back.

MrBit · 21/04/2023 19:56

I feel sorry for the bride
You intruded at a very sensitive time

Willyoujust · 21/04/2023 20:01

DuskHail · 21/04/2023 19:21

I honestly don’t understand why people tiptoe around brides and grooms and are expected to do everything they say without question. It’s a fucking party for gods sake - ONE day. It should be about the people you love all being together to celebrate your marriage. But it ends up being a big fantasy show and brides become absolute selfish, self absorbed crazy dick heads that want everyone to act like puppets so they can pretend everyone is having a wonderful time. And they are willing to tell people how to behave and fall out with family members because they haven’t conformed to their every wish. It’s unbelievable!
It’s all a load of bollocks anyway, same old shit different day. Bloody log slices, burlap, hay bales, flowers that die in a few days but cost half your mortgage, some band that no one remembers cos they’re all too pissed to listen, an overpriced dress that you wear once and shove in the loft for ever more, a photographer to take photos that no one ever looks at again bar maybe the one you hang on your wall, stupid wedding favours that most people chuck straight in the bin when they get home. Utter bollocks, waste of money. Everyone thinks they’re being so original but it’s all been done a million times before and is the biggest waste of money in the world. I feel better now, phew.

Are you married?

YNK · 21/04/2023 20:06

Your brother should have called off the wedding if his intended saw a day old baby as competition.

I can't imagine a better warning but he's made his bed now!
IF he can salvage any relationship with his family now I think you are very generous, but I'd not forget, ever!

Enfys1982 · 21/04/2023 20:18

Yep that’s just it. They a newborn baby as competition. Pathetic. As for having a band at the wedding that’s fucking pretentious as well. Give me a DJ playing cheese any day.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 21/04/2023 20:19

What on earth went through your head that you & your DM thought it would be ok to turn up unannounced in her house when her father had just died? I mean literally what made you think 'she's going to be devastated, exhausted, will need to grieve and retreat. So what will really help is having two people she's not keen on in her house when she's vulnerable & emotional'?

When my dad died, I could barely even manage to be around my DC!

The wedding story is a complete red herring - although I think your dad was a bit of a twat. But I'd love to know the thought process of you & your DM, and why you didn't contact your DB to say 'so sorry about your FiL, we'll do all we can to help, just let me know.'

My SiL turned up at DF's funeral, and it took every trembling millimetre of me not to tell her to fuck off, and that she wasn't welcome because DF had despised her for over 30yrs. If she'd come to my house, I'd have probably had a complete meltdown too!

Womencanlift · 21/04/2023 20:28

YANBU about the wedding - she does sound like a bridezilla

YABVU to go round to her house when her dad died considering you are barely in speaking terms. I didn’t even go to my best friends house, who is as close as a sister, after her dad died without checking that she was ok with visitors.

I wouldn’t dream about doing it to someone who clearly doesn’t like me even if they do fall into the category of family (although I doubt she thinks of you as that)

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/04/2023 20:28

Weedoormatnomore · 21/04/2023 19:00

Oh dear op sil sounds nuts. Was your brothers house to so nothing wrong with you being there !

Only the worst kind of self-obsessed twat would use their “right” to be at their brother’s house to intrude when their SIL was grieving.

MouseMinge · 21/04/2023 20:31

I don't see how going around to hers is "intrusive". They used to get on well and while that's definitely changed when you hear that such a close relation has died all the bad feeling goes out of the window. That's how I see it. Now, maybe/hopefully, when she's in a better place she'll think back on her reaction and realise that it wasn't the best. She was unkind but she's just lost her father so I'd give her a lot of slack.

@HuxleyDog you did nothing wrong by going to hers and anyone saying you did, well I don't get it. Maybe in time this will be resolved but if not don't beat yourself up about it.

Starlitestarbright · 21/04/2023 20:32

Frankly, why there is rift is actually not important. What's important is there is a rift, you have not spoken for 2 years yet you and your mum thought unnanounced visit to greaving sil will be welcomed.
It's all very me, me if I am honest, especially after this update.
The woman lost her father, it's not hard to leave people be in peace in these situations. Instead there is a thread about "but I ...", inviting criticism of her wedding from 2 years ago instead of talking just about current issue of "put my butt where it wasn't clearly welcome

This , you're not remotely genuine and I think your thriving off this drama, hence the thread discussing her wedding from 2 years ago ,I suspect your like this and abit of a diva, there's clearly alot more information you have choosen to leave out. You knew full well she didn't want anything to do with you and has gone nc for 2 years yet you thought it was OK to go around after her dad died. You know it's not remotely acceptable. Yet again you made her loss all about you and that You're the victim.

coeurnoir · 21/04/2023 20:52

This , you're not remotely genuine and I think your thriving off this drama, hence the thread discussing her wedding from 2 years ago ,I suspect your like this and abit of a diva, there's clearly alot more information you have choosen to leave out. You knew full well she didn't want anything to do with you and has gone nc for 2 years yet you thought it was OK to go around after her dad died. You know it's not remotely acceptable. Yet again you made her loss all about you and that You're the victim.

Hmm. This. Not to mention raking over old ground about a wedding from two years ago. It's the OP's brother I feel for. Definitely seems like his sister is the golden child.

If the SIL is on here, or the OP's brother, I hope they read this thread and decide to cut off OP and her dreadful parents once and for all.

strangerperson · 21/04/2023 20:59

Op you can't reason with people like this unfortunately. Personally, I think they didn't want you at the wedding at all. I've been to many child free weddings and have seen exceptions been made for immediate family only. Your db has been awful, I always blame immediate family because it was his wedding too. He chose to exclude his bil (your DH) and niece and separate a newborn from his mother(you) hoping none of you would attend. I would be more hurt because my own brother allowed this as it was his wedding too. I'm not sure I could ever forgive my brother or trust him if he ever saw my husband and my child as a nuisance/distraction and hate to admit it but a competition to upstage his twaty wife to be who is clearly threatened by a baby's presence. Weddings are meant to bring loved ones together to celebrate marriage unless you elope. Your sil doesn't see you as family and even worse, your db hasn't which would sting more than whwaterver your sil does. Leave the two twats to live happily ever after and don't bother with them.