Aftermath of brother’s wedding

[HuxleyDog]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago.

After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding.

They now have a lovely five month old baby!

Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed.

My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about.

It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money.
None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing.
I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

Why not just say "sorry, we can't make it as we have a new baby"?

Simple. Problem solved. Instead you forced yourself to be uncomfortable, sat right at the front and made sure everyone fawned over you.

Then, knowing she's not happy with you, you turn up at her house just after she's lost her dad.

Of course she's angry at you.

Because she wanted to be at her brother's wedding as most people would. And was assuming her SIL wasn't a selfish idiot who thought it was reasonable to exclude her immediate family just because she had a newborn so was somewhat taken aback.

The Groom the BROTHER was also happy to ban the baby 🙄🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh give over. For most people their wedding vows are the most important words they will speak. I don’t think it is that much of an ask that people keep quiet during it.

And if you have a child that you can’t keep quiet then you have some respect and take them out

In my culture it's normal to go and checkout close family members/friends to see if they are alright and let them know you are there for them during a loss. People will bring food, offer support etc passing by. I find bereavement bizarre in the mn culture where you show concern for the person and only to be told "it's not about you" lol but then again a bride who excludes family members because of a newborn can upstage her is another thing. The whole wedding circus is also very weird. People who attend are there to celebrate and see family and have a good time drink, eat and have a good time with family/friends. A cheap person would do this during bereavement and during a wedding and cheapen anything they touch. The amount of times I read on mn where the op's have lost family members and the in-laws or friends haven't messaged, haven't visited etc and never shown any compassion. You can never win! Which ever mask you wear, whichever way you bend over to accommodate some people, you can never win. You just got to accept them for who they are and never touch them even with a pole.

I understand child free weddings and respect peoples choices but to exclude siblings and nieces because of it is weird. Again you can elope. Then you get the same people complaining that their siblings didn't come to their wedding after all and how dare they miss out witnessing the most magical couple in history no one has ever seen after making it impossible for them to attend in the first place as if they are the very first humans to get married. Get over yourselves ffs. The hen do's abroad where they expect people to spend hundreds to be out of pocket, the bridesmaid wars, the baby showers etc etc etc. Then we have the in-laws don't help out with childcare when they have shut them off since the baby was born. I've just experienced this with a friend recently and had to gently remind her the times when the baby was first born after declaring her in-laws were as useful as a chocolate teapot now she needs their support since going back to work after working for months to eliminate any relationship.

You can win.
You text, offer to come around and bring things if they want to and leave it at that.
You don't just turn up to someone's house when you have that strained relationship.
It's really not that hard. It doesn't have to be turn up or ignore.

Yet on a current thread where the poster is paying for the wedding the majority of replies say that as she's paying she gets a say in the guests (close family friends). These are blood relation (sister and dn) and yet dad doesn't get to say that his daughter should be at his son's wedding?

Really, I completely understand the dad putting this condition on.

And if it's bride posting she gets told no one should have a say except her😂

dad was only paying for the band not the whole wedding.

brides dad then paid. Ergo even if you believe paying gets you rights he paid zero so rights are zero

Which thread is this?

Sounds you and your parents have very strong ideas how family should be run and anything slightly different needs to be sorted out and lead to the right path.

Unannounced visit is rude in general, more so when not-that-close person just suffered a big loss. Sounds the idea how it should be done clouded your judgement about what might the bereaved want. Maybe funeral is the right place for slightly distant family in law to pay respects.

At least you know now what is lying between your family and them - the wedding funds withdrawal move - which was about power once again, forcing the only right way how to do stuff.
It is understandable that your DB is on her side now, it is the only place he can be.

Give her space. Accept she feels hard done by your side of the family and don't push. When relevant, offer and wait. You can't fix that quickly by your means of fixing- it would feel as imposing.

This is exactly where I am on this. I had a pretty much N/LC relationship with my brother & SiL. When DF died, if they'd turned up in my house unannounced I would have lost the plot because they were literally the last people I would have wanted to see. Instead we messaged each other, had one or two phone calls, then met up to organise the funeral.
I see the OP hasn't returned to explain why she made the decision she did - and I'm a bit gobsmacked at some of the insensitivity of some PPs, who presumably have never been in this situation. All OP had to do was talk to her DB about what he felt would have been best.

The 'poor woman' is the one whose father has just died. Not the one who took it upon herself to be in the house of a grieving daughter with no warning.

Grief is exhausting, just utterly EXHAUSTING. The last thing you need is to have to deal with people you have an issue with, in the one place that feels safe.

Wow OP, multiple threads making everything about you.

Just leave her alone.

I don't think it's insensitivity. It's entitlment and poor boundaries.
Some threads absolutely show why there are so many unhappy people on mn and why so many people go NC/LC.
She should have "Suck it up" and "be graciouos" and "understand why you turned up". BS. We don't need men making our lives hard. There are enough martyr women with poor boundaries pushing their bad boundaries on others, women will never not hear "be kind" even when they are basically the victim.

Main thing i gathered from this thread is that if you didn't want baby at your wedding years ago, you basically deserve to be distraught during grieving your father's death by pushed on guests🙄

You and your SIL don't get on but you thought it appropriate to go round immediately (your word) after hearing about her father dying?

And they had every right to have a child free wedding. But you got your own way.

To be honest it sounds like you are the problem here.

Just leave her alone.

To be honest the fact my newborn baby wouldn't have been invited to my own brothers wedding would have been the end of a decent relationship with him. Very low contact at events I couldn't avoid would be the limit.

I don't really see why there is so much drama about it really though. He showed you how much he cares about you, which is basically not at all. No decent human being would say their own siblings baby who was days old can't attend their wedding and honestly what sort of grown up cares about people fawning over it. I would have adored to have the new baby there as its family (I am fine with child free weddings but newborns are obv different IMO)

I think with regards to what your dad did re the money, I can understand why he wanted to do that. He must have felt pretty upset about it all but obv they would have felt upset about it as they thought they were in the right.

This is such typical MN, in RL no one would treat their family like this and think its OK, there are some seriously nasty people on here, to happily exclude your sisters new baby from your wedding is fucking horrible.

But yes I also agree that it seems odd to go and see your SIL after her dad died. Just seems like causing unnecessary drama really.

To her own brother's wedding? Are you for real?

As for going round, she was probably supporting her mum who was trying to check on her son's wife. Totally reasonable if pointless given the SIL's previous attitude.

To her own brother's wedding? Are you for real?

Well, it was one of two choices… only OP and her controlling father decided there should be an option three, where the wishes of the bride and groom were ignored.

I can't get past the going round to her home after her loss.

At the very least, your or your mum should have text first.

i'd be shocked if the in laws I do get on with did that to me, tbh.

Seriously can't understand posters on here- SIL was being totally unreasonable especially to your DH. Horrendous behaviour. I'm not surprised your dad reacted as he did though it made the situation worse. Re visiting after a bereavement- it's totally normal and I would have thought it disrespectful not to visit and express condolences. Don't engage with her further or argue your case. Maintain limited contact with DB.

This. I have no idea what is wrong with people , honestly.

OP, you SIL has behaved extremely badly, but I think she’s dug her own hole she won’t be able to crawl out of. I think on balance your fathers actions were probably the wrong call and unhelpful, but I can see why he felt the way he did- understandable he wouldn’t feel like paying for a wedding is grandchild was not welcome at.

no one would treat their family like this and think its OK, there are some seriously nasty people on here, to happily exclude your sisters new baby from your wedding is fucking horrible.

Of course, this would be the attitude of any reasonable person with a generally healthy family dynamic. The trouble is that not all family dynamics are healthy, and the golden child vs. scapegoat variety ranks highly among the most damaging there is. From the meagre details given here is isn't possible to know whether OP's family is one of these, but several hints she's given - also picked up by other posters upthread - suggest it might be.

If OP's father is constantly prioritizing his DD, which certainly seems the case with the 2-years-ago wedding, then it's less surprising that her DB wanted his wedding to be about him for once. Instead, the whole day was hijacked and made to be about his sister.

DB and SiL are by no means entirely innocent. It seems a nonsense that a wedding could be 'ruined' because of something this minor, and excluding the baby seems churlish and immature to me, but in the above context would be the more understandable. Perhaps the DB is sick of constantly taking a back seat to his sister. As far as their father is concerned, his behaviour is unconscionable no matter what the motivation. He wasn't paying for the wedding, just the band, but that gift came with ropes attached and he saw fit to withdraw it when things weren't altogether to his liking. No wonder that when he re-offered the money after getting his own way, he was told exactly what he could do with it. This was entirely a justified response, IMO.

The issue this thread relates to is the intrusion on OP's SiL's grief when it must have been obvious the relationship was less than harmonious. It was an unbelievably ill-advised move, I'm not sure on what planet anyone could think it a good idea.

I think if nothing else, this thread has illustrated why it's best to just disengage with narcissists. They will conjure up a bad-faith interpretation of every action you take. There's no point even trying.
Obviously it sucks if your family member is married to one and it drives a wedge between you but what can you do when they've made their decision.