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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aftermath of brother’s wedding

373 replies

HuxleyDog · 20/04/2023 10:11

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago.

After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding.

They now have a lovely five month old baby!

Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed.

My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about.

It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money.
None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing.
I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

OP posts:
Ooolaaaala · 21/04/2023 21:18

I wonder if the SIL and the OPs DF are similar overbearing and controlling characters?

Did the DB learn to fawn / placate and enable difficult characters as a child?

sussexpud · 21/04/2023 21:47

CantAskAnyoneElse · 20/04/2023 11:18

Just leave them alone.
Sounds like they have been trough enough without you forcing a relationship with them.
I know MN goes crazy when babies aren’t invited, but I don’t see that they did anything wrong, then you very being drama queen and entitled, your father sure did not help and they didn’t get the wedding they wanted - which is, or should have been the only thing that matters.

I’m sure your pleased since you got your way and now can play even more of a victim.
Also, why did you went to her house after SIL losed her father, surely you and your mother had to know she wouldn’t have wanted to see you? After a sudden and huge loss?
Seems like you two wanted to create a bad situation/hurt her even more.

Just leave the poor woman alone.

oh you must be the SIL lol.....

She said she accepted the baby not going, but to not allow the husband? Why? The brother was an usher at the OP's wedding to the man! What valid reason is there to not allow your BIL to drop in at your wedding reception?

Sounds a bit Bridezilla to me.

FrostyFifi · 21/04/2023 22:29

@HuxleyDog You can see from the voting that most people think you're reasonable. Your thread has just attracted a weird species of nutter, probably the same bunch that give Meghan Markle way too much headspace.

sandyhappypeople · 21/04/2023 22:37

sussexpud · 21/04/2023 21:47

oh you must be the SIL lol.....

She said she accepted the baby not going, but to not allow the husband? Why? The brother was an usher at the OP's wedding to the man! What valid reason is there to not allow your BIL to drop in at your wedding reception?

Sounds a bit Bridezilla to me.

Show quote history

Because they knew what would happen, they had stipulated that they didn't want a baby at the wedding (I don't necessarily agree with that, but it's their choice, and the fact that the OP wouldn't even sit at the back in case the baby woke, even though the OP promised that they would, then they just did what they wanted on the day anyway, says everything you need to know about OP) so they KNEW that her DH had no intention of just 'popping in' or 'waiting outside' (why wait outside when they live 12 minutes away?) or any of the things OP 'said' they were going to do, they'd have just done whatever they wanted, knowing the bride and groom wouldn't have wanted to make a scene on the day. The only way to sensibly prevent it would be to ban the husband so there was no way for the baby to be smuggled in. I don't think it had anything to do the husband at all.

In the end they blackmailed and railroaded their way in to the wedding anyway, so they got their own way, and now wonder why the SIL hates them?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 21/04/2023 22:37

Long slow handclap to those who are only replying about the wedding that was 2 yrs ago, and not the OP & her DM turning up unannounced at the house of a woman they're NC with, after her DF died.
When my aunt died, I texted my mum (who lives on the next street) to say 'do you want me to come round? Or would you rather be on your own for now?' She said she wanted to be on her own to blub/read/sleep. So I let her know I was going to drop off some food on her doorstep in about ten minutes, but she didn't have to answer the door. Because it wasn't about ME, it was about how SHE was feeling.
Surely it's not that difficult to understand?

Mirabai · 21/04/2023 22:46

FrostyFifi · 21/04/2023 22:29

@HuxleyDog You can see from the voting that most people think you're reasonable. Your thread has just attracted a weird species of nutter, probably the same bunch that give Meghan Markle way too much headspace.

They’re all as mad as the SIL 😵‍💫

FrostyFifi · 21/04/2023 23:09

and not the OP & her DM turning up unannounced at the house of a woman they're NC with, after her DF died.

OP has literally confirmed that they're NOT non contact. If you filter by just her posts it's there. You're berating the poor woman for something she never said.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/04/2023 23:33

Mirabai · 21/04/2023 22:46

They’re all as mad as the SIL 😵‍💫

Show quote history

Dismissing anyone who doesn’t agree with your narrative as mad? Nice.

Weedoormatnomore · 22/04/2023 07:11

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/04/2023 20:28

Only the worst kind of self-obsessed twat would use their “right” to be at their brother’s house to intrude when their SIL was grieving.

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They called in to check sil was ok how is that self obsessed !. If self obsessed she would have stayed at home inviting people round to her house to grieve for her sil dad.

Kteeb1 · 22/04/2023 07:26

I don't think your dad dis the right thing, but he obviously finds your SIL difficult and wanted to stand up to her. Her reaction has shown what a horrible person she is and I feel sorry for your brother who must feel trapped in the middle. Ignore her as much as you can, and create space for your brother to still see you without making it awkward for him, otherwise you will lose the relationship witn him. You can't change her mind she's horrid. In time you're brother may also come to that conclusion but it will be easier for him to do so is he kmows his family are still there for him.

Emigratingimmigrant · 22/04/2023 08:15

FrostyFifi · 21/04/2023 22:29

@HuxleyDog You can see from the voting that most people think you're reasonable. Your thread has just attracted a weird species of nutter, probably the same bunch that give Meghan Markle way too much headspace.

It's because absolute majority is concentrating just on the wedding, not at gatecrashing greaving person🤷🏻
It's a 5* distsraction when you put wedding and baby issue

FrostyFifi · 22/04/2023 08:16

It's literally an update thread about the aftemath of a wedding, it was hardly put there as a distraction 😂

Emigratingimmigrant · 22/04/2023 08:18

Weedoormatnomore · 22/04/2023 07:11

They called in to check sil was ok how is that self obsessed !. If self obsessed she would have stayed at home inviting people round to her house to grieve for her sil dad.

Show quote history

Actually it's pretty self obsessed. Selfless would be to check first and follow what grieving person wants

Emigratingimmigrant · 22/04/2023 08:19

FrostyFifi · 22/04/2023 08:16

It's literally an update thread about the aftemath of a wedding, it was hardly put there as a distraction 😂

You keep on that. It's quite easy to see tho. Me me me from op

Mortimercat · 22/04/2023 08:23

Weedoormatnomore · 22/04/2023 07:11

They called in to check sil was ok how is that self obsessed !. If self obsessed she would have stayed at home inviting people round to her house to grieve for her sil dad.

Show quote history

Called in to check on someone that they have had nothing to do with for two years? Sounds quite mawkish to me. And all the worse for the fact that the low contact was because they thought their right to bring a (potentially) screaming baby to a service (when baby could have stayed at home a twelve minute walk away), was more important than the bride and grooms wishes to have a quiet service. OP and her parents are selfish self centred bullies and clearly OP was golden child.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 08:25

Mortimercat · 22/04/2023 08:23

Called in to check on someone that they have had nothing to do with for two years? Sounds quite mawkish to me. And all the worse for the fact that the low contact was because they thought their right to bring a (potentially) screaming baby to a service (when baby could have stayed at home a twelve minute walk away), was more important than the bride and grooms wishes to have a quiet service. OP and her parents are selfish self centred bullies and clearly OP was golden child.

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Why do you say they’ve had nothing to do with her for 2 years? Why make shit up?

Mortimercat · 22/04/2023 08:30

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 08:25

Why do you say they’ve had nothing to do with her for 2 years? Why make shit up?

Show quote history

No contact, low contact, whatever. 🙄

pookie999 · 22/04/2023 09:24

I think it would be appropriate to write SIL a kind and gentle letter. This thread is very divisive and I think if I was you I would reflect on this and offer your SIL an apology and that you never meant for things to get this bad. Don't involve your mum and dad. Reach out. Offer an olive branch. Withdraw. The intention is to reduce bad feelings and only that. This is what grown ups do because life is hard enough. Take care

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 09:27

Mortimercat · 22/04/2023 08:30

No contact, low contact, whatever. 🙄

Show quote history

Yes, why let facts get in the way of bullshit, whatever 🙄

Stravaig · 22/04/2023 09:40

I'd view a newborn in the immediate family as a blessing on a marriage! Maybe invite an impromptu walk down the aisle with rings or flowers, if mama and babe wished.

Responses to death vary by culture and personality. Some find the pretence of happy families abhorrent, like salt in the wound when they're already raw; for others it's a time of big hearts, of reaching past old grievances and coming together.

OP, two options.

Go low/no contact with DB and SIL, to let all of you get on with your lives without unecessary drama. So no rushing around after death or playing happy family gatherings.

Or, have a real soul search about your own motivations. Do you want to build a real relationship with your brother's family, or do want to be right and the favoured one? SIL is who DB has chosen. You need to work with who they actually are, not keep making them wrong because they're not like you.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 22/04/2023 10:16

Weedoormatnomore · 22/04/2023 07:11

They called in to check sil was ok how is that self obsessed !. If self obsessed she would have stayed at home inviting people round to her house to grieve for her sil dad.

Show quote history

What would be self-obsessed is to turn up when you know you’re not wanted and then, as per your suggestion, claim it’s fine for you to be there as it’s your brother’s house. It seems to me that had OP actually cared about her SIL’s feelings rather than being seen to care, she’d have kept a discreet distance.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 22/04/2023 13:41

This , you're not remotely genuine and I think your thriving off this drama, hence the thread discussing her wedding from 2 years ago ,I suspect your like this and abit of a diva

Yep. So many people are buying the wide eyed "I was just trying to be nice!" crap from the OP.

coeurnoir · 22/04/2023 16:57

So many people are buying the wide eyed "I was just trying to be nice!" crap from the OP.

That's because they are so outraged that a couple might want a wedding without a baby screaming its head off as the couple are about to say their vows, that they can't see past something that allegedly happened two years ago 🤷‍♀️

mathanxiety · 22/04/2023 17:26

coeurnoir · 22/04/2023 16:57

So many people are buying the wide eyed "I was just trying to be nice!" crap from the OP.

That's because they are so outraged that a couple might want a wedding without a baby screaming its head off as the couple are about to say their vows, that they can't see past something that allegedly happened two years ago 🤷‍♀️

Wedding vows are not a theatrical performance. A bride who believes she's the star of a dramatic presentation and her invited guests are her audience should make a big effort to get over herself.

I don't have a baby or small children any more, but I don't go to weddings from which babies and small children are barred, and I don't send a gift either, because I don't want to pander to the sort of bride who thinks she's worthy of a hushed audience.

WimpoleHat · 22/04/2023 18:02

A bride who believes she's the star of a dramatic presentation and her invited guests are her audience should make a big effort to get over herself.

This made me laugh - but it is very true. What’s so odd, though, is that you’re automatically the centre of attention at your own wedding (whether you like it or not!), whether or not there’s a baby there. I have some sympathy for people who don’t want kids who they know full well won’t behave and whose parents are wet blankets who won’t step in and stop them. But the idea that a baby will somehow “steal the limelight” is a bit ridiculous. The whole day is about you as a bride!