Aftermath of brother’s wedding

[HuxleyDog]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago.

After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding.

They now have a lovely five month old baby!

Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed.

My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about.

It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money.
None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing.
I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

@WomanStanleyWoman2 suck it up is basically be kind isn't it🤷🏻
Shows lots of unhealthy boundaries.
I mean like if one's parent's death is more about what others want than what the bereaved wants, we went wrong somewhere.

Glad it's been acknowledged that the SIL and DB are equally accountable for their choices over their wedding. The repeated use of bridezilla and sole mention of SIL in relation to the decision to exclude children was becoming quite pointed.

To be honest, I think OP has went quiet because so many posters have rightly picked out the repeated steamrollering of boundaries in her thread. The agreement to sit at the back and then coming up front, the father in laws machinations behind the scenes, turning up at the home of a woman they haven't seen for two years when they knew there was an issue, messaging her after that whilst she's grieving etc.

I have a feeling it doesn't sit well with the golden child / overbearing parent dynamic clearly in play.

The repeated use of bridezilla and sole mention of SIL in relation to the decision to exclude children was becoming quite pointed.

That is because the thread is about her latest drama and 2 year grudge.

The steamrollering of boundaries came from DB and SIL. DF rightly stated healthy boundaries and respect to him for doing so.

In the latest episode there’s poor boundaries on either side: OP may have considered the fact that SIL is bananas and reconsidered dropping in; SIL might have maintained good boundaries and not indulged a tantrum.

The steamrollering of boundaries came from DB and SIL.

It seems to me that they tried to have the wedding that they wanted & this wasn't accepted by Op & her parents.

As shown at the wedding Op sat where she chose to but didn't stay there once her dad said to move!

We'll have to agree to disagree Mirabai. If I were invited to an event my newborn was not I'd say thanks but no thanks. There would be no false promises of sitting at the back when I knew I'd end up front, or weird suggestions my partner stands outside in July heat with the newborn we'd been asked not to bring.

If I my SIL avoided me for 2 years after such a contentious situation, I would never in a thousand years turn up at her house immediately upon hearing of her father's death.

SIL finding those actions upsetting and disrespectful is quite reasonable in my view.

They tried to have a wedding they wanted on someone else’s money.

If you want your wedding exactly as you choose and exclude close family members then self-fund.

That is exactly what OP did say if you read the threads. She suggested going only to the ceremony without baby and DH. She suggested DH standing outside with baby, which is actually quite normal when someone has a newborn. Then it turned out DH wasn’t invited either.

DF quite rightly said that this fuckwittage wasn’t acceptable if he’s paying. Why should he collude in excluding a close family member from a family event he’s funding?

The claim that sitting at the back was a false promise is entirely your own invention. OP clearly said she decided to sit at the back and it was her DF who insisted she sit with family.

On a forum of people who have no idea how to behave, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that people think SIL’s behaviour is acceptable. This forum is full of SILs.

Yes Mirabai, I did - you just haven't read my reply properly. Unlike the OP, I would decline the invite. The OP accepted alone and then suggested DH and the baby wait outside- I'm saying I wouldn't do that and frankly would have enough awareness to see that if they don't want newborns at a wedding the offer to plant a baby outside is silly.

The OP is not a doll that is lifted and shifted at someone else's will. If she agreed to sit at the back with the newborn in the end her father's interference should have come to nothing. She decided to go up front, that's on her. DB and his wife clearly knew that any agreement couldn't be trusted since it was brought up multiple times, and they were right.

If SIL and DB didn't want babies at their wedding, you stay home with baby and DH goes to wedding.

Or vice versa

Your Dad doesn't manipulate the situation so that you can take baby to the wedding

Your Dad doesn't manipulate the situation so that baby can sit up front

Your Dad doesn't threaten to withdraw funding if he and you dont get your own way

I'm Team SIL all the way

You do realise the dad didn't pay for the band in the end? So how did he manipulate them?

I did read your reply thoroughly thanks. I’m just not personally interested what you would do in the situation and your insistence you would decline the invite.

It was the baby that was NFI not OP so she tried to find a compromise. That’s up to her.

What was brought up multiple times was what to do if the baby cried - not where they were sitting. OP decided to sit at the back but in the event was persuaded to move forward and in any case the baby was fine. Arguing over where someone sits at a wedding is just not worth my (or anyone’s) time.

My MIL caused similar issues in the run up to my wedding. Even though she contributed zero (not even giving my mum a hand decorating the venue because she had had her nails done) she wanted her own 10 person guest list. Nope. Didn't happen. She had her plus one invite and she abused that too. 30 years down the line, with a whole new long list of grievances (particularly after DM was diagnosed with terminal illness) i have gone NC. She then tried to pull the same sort of bullshit after my DM died. DH knows she has form for wanting to be in the centre of 'drama' and told her to stay away. If she had turned up with a bunch of flowers and fake sympathy, i would have gone batshit too. And probably would have vented every single resentment thats built up over the years.

He tried to but in the end was rebuffed by bride's father. None of that is the op's fault but sister in law has taken a stance and won't listen.

As for brother, he is just plain weak. I do hope he manages to maintain a relationship with his sister and, in time, tries to reason his wife. Not at the moment as she is grieving for her father but eventually. However I can see it might be a long job. Maybe his wife wants him all to herself, who knows.

Oh what a sad update, it sounds like the relationship with your SIL is completely broken down. But your brother should have avoided all of this!

Mirabai if you're so uninterested best not reply to me any further then, I'm only responding to you after all.

Out of interest Tomeeornottomee does your partner keep in contact with your MIL? Apart from telling her to stay away that is.

The feather was only paying for the band which he then didn’t pay for and even when he then later tried to pay his money was rejected. So hardly had their wedding on his money did they.

On a forum of people who have no idea how to behave, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that people think SIL’s behaviour is acceptable. This forum is full of SILs

It's also interesting how different the responses are now compared to a couple of years ago. We definitely have a new breed of people whose self-absorption is matched only by their complete ignorance of social norms.

@CrackerAndPudding yes. He speaks to her on the phone a couple of times a month. He has his own issues with his mother going back to before he and I met. He fully supports me with being NC. He understands why I won't attend 'family' gatherings. I say family. Its her and SIL wanting to meet DH for lunch. On their terms. When and where they want. I've been alternately included and excluded from these, depending on her mood.

Just want to add that the times I've been excluded DH hasn't met up with them.

I don’t understand this if you are NC?

So unless you are invited (but you won’t turn up anyway) your DH doesn’t go?

Then your DH will go if you are invited - and you then either don’t turn up or decline the invite.

I might have misunderstood but it sounds like game playing?

I think it’s really poor form that they didn’t want your baby at the wedding..You’re his sister, that’s his niece/nephew! it’s ridiculous behaviour tbh.

I actually think it’s admirable that your dad stuck up for you, yes, pulling funding was always going to be controversial but that wasn’t your doing.

I would honestly stop bothering with sil, I know she’s grieving her dad, but it sounds like her behaviour has always been unreasonable and she will always hold this against you. Your brother sounds like abit of a sap, but he obviously still wants a relationship with you.

I would stop apologising too, it’s in the past. They need to get over it.

I think it’s dreadful they tried to exclude their newborn nephew from wedding, they should be ashamed.
I think it’s dreadful you plonked yourself smugly at the front with your baby, knowing that in the event of him waking and crying, that would be so much more disruptive and distracting than if you were sat at the back.
I feel sorry for your dad trying to navigate the family dynamics between such a pack of childish and selfish adults.
I don’t believe you had the best intentions turning up at her house when you did. If you genuinely had good intentions then you are lacking in emotional intelligence. You SIL is lacking in dignity, restraint and graciousness.
That being said, extended family is a minefield and hard work and I do have sympathy!

I remember your post OP.

God it just sounds like such a lot of drama and no one comes off covered in glory.

DB and SIL should have invite you, DH and your baby to their wedding - very selfish & really bad manners not to have done so, particularly as you all got on beforehand.

DF should not have withdrawn promised funds because of the above. Really poor behaviour.

Obviously due to the above, you have a strained relationship and very little contact with SIL.
Why did yourself and your DM feel it was appropriate just to turn up at DB's house when SIL had suddenly lost her DF?
Why do you think she would want to see you?
Why didn't you call to see DB to see if there was anything you could do?

This is going to take a while to sort out. Softly, softly approach; lots of talking and most importantly listening to do. Talk to your DB.
Don't do anything now though as she is grieving the loss of her father.

You all sound high maintanance TBH

This ⬆️

1. It’s not just any baby, it’s their NEPHEW and the entire family are at the wedding
2. It would’ve only been days old (not like it’s crawling around)

I’d have not bothered to go to the wedding at all. And if I did I’d have turned up in a wedding dress 😂 how’s that for stealing the attention away 😂