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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC don't want me to have another child

552 replies

tornmum101 · 19/04/2023 23:39

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

OP posts:
FixMyEyebrows · 19/04/2023 23:40

So just from your op...
Why do your kids know?
Why does it have to be donor sperm?

Wedoronron · 19/04/2023 23:41

How old are your DC? Do they get on with your Dp?

19lottie82 · 19/04/2023 23:41

How old are Dc? Tbh if asked most children would say they don’t want a sibling but once it’s here they will love it anyway.

FixMyEyebrows · 19/04/2023 23:41

Ok my bad I didn't read the ss part of this but again why do your kids know?

carriedout · 19/04/2023 23:42

Why are you even discussing this with them?

How old are they?

Children get no say in their parents' reproductive choices, IMO.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 19/04/2023 23:45

Now is a good time to model to children that other people dont get a say in a woman's reproductive choices. So long as you are using a consensual sperm donor (and I'm not sure there could be any other kind) then its a good time for them to learn that which ever one of you is having the baby has their own right to make their reproductive choices

And if they are too young to understand this then goodness knows why they are even part of the decision

Landndialamrhf · 19/04/2023 23:46

your question is should I have a baby and upset them, or not have a baby that I’d like?

surely you should be figuring out why they have so much say and power in adult decisions and why they don’t want a sibling?
is it a normal reaction, or do they not like dp, or are they worried about the process, are they worried they’ll be pushed out or something else.
‘should I just have a baby anyway’ is such an odd way to come at this.

Merryoldgoat · 19/04/2023 23:46

Personally I wouldn’t have children in a new relationship but accept I’m in the minority.

What are the reasons they don’t want a sibling? I didn’t want another sibling with my mum was pregnant with my youngest sister. I adored her and obviously still do, but we were poor, my mum was in a toxic relationship, we had no space and I was miserable. I think my reasons were valid.

DonnaRix · 19/04/2023 23:49

I wouldn’t do it. They’ve been through enough.

GrumpyPanda · 19/04/2023 23:50

19lottie82 · 19/04/2023 23:41

How old are Dc? Tbh if asked most children would say they don’t want a sibling but once it’s here they will love it anyway.

Not necessarily. My four nieces and nephews invaded their parents' bedroom one sunny morning to announce they'd had a joint discussion and decided it was high time to get working on the next sibling 😄

uncomfortablydumb53 · 19/04/2023 23:50

How old are the DC?

QueenSmartypants · 19/04/2023 23:54

My mum asked my sibling and me how we'd feel about a half sibling and we were both adamant that we didn't want one. We weren't trying to be rude or selfish, but the insecurity of a half sibling was huge and the potential complications in our relationships with our step families.

Thankfully, our mum put us first because step dad turned out to be a prize prick.

Lovelyring · 19/04/2023 23:59

Whilst I don't think children get a choice in their parent's reproduction decisions, if my Mum had left my Dad for another woman and had other babies with a donor I'd have taken it badly. I suppose it depends on whether you think it would be worth the damage it could cause your relationship with them.

AnotherDelphinium · 19/04/2023 23:59

My partner has two children, their mother has had a third and is pregnant with a fourth.

His youngest is really struggling and his eldest isn’t exactly doing great. Read the step-parenting boards and you’ll see the reality of blended families.

If it was any other big decision you’d hopefully consider the impact on them, so please consider this honestly; especially in light of their pre-existing views…

Original poster
tornmum101 · 20/04/2023 00:00

DC are 19 & 15

we have space/finances/time for another child.

We discuss most things with them, they are old enough to understand.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2023 00:09

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years

Why?

It’s a bit ‘buy a baby’ as an accessory to the new relationship, isn’t it?

EmmaEmerald · 20/04/2023 00:15

tornmum101 · 20/04/2023 00:00

DC are 19 & 15

we have space/finances/time for another child.

We discuss most things with them, they are old enough to understand.

Well you told them you want this
and they responded with the truth
i can see why it would seem horrifying especially at that age
if your 19 year old gets out of the house in time, you might still expect them to want to be involved
your younger DC will be trying to do A levels and/or a job, with a baby in the house

i agree it’s your life but I do feel sorry for kids who get lumbered with siblings at an age they expect to be out of the woods. If you understand the effect on them but still want to, you have to accept any changes that come with it. Your relationship with them will change a lot.

NortieTortie · 20/04/2023 00:19

What are their reasons? It sounds like a baby would be disruptive to their education. Does 19yo still live at home?

Frozensun · 20/04/2023 00:28

i think the age is challenging. It is embarrassing for most teens if mum is pregnant or another baby is coming along. But, if you have a child in a ‘few years’ they are then 21 and 17. It’s important that they are not default babysitters or quasi parents (as a number of families expect the older ones to be). Another couple of years and they are both off into the world. I don’t think you can expect a sibling relationship, but your decision is for you and your partner.

HernamewasNOLA · 20/04/2023 00:31

It’s not their business, but now you’ve discussed it with them it’s fair that they’ve had their POV. I can understand at their age why they wouldn’t want another sibling, I’m not sure I would’ve wanted a toddler sibling when I was going through uni etc

BadNomad · 20/04/2023 00:32

What is their objection?

CharlieTown · 20/04/2023 00:34

If you hadn't mentioned the fact it was a new dp then you would have got unanimous advice that you should do what you want and it's not your choice. However on mumsnet, step children should get whatever they want, no matter the impact on anyone else.

Personally I think raising a children to believe that their wants come before everyone else's is a bad idea and will cause them issues later in life.

Mariposista · 20/04/2023 00:34

Most 19/15 year olds want their mum to be focussed on helping them with their A Level/uni/job options, not changing nappies and making up bottles.

BritInAus · 20/04/2023 00:38

HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2023 00:09

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years

Why?

It’s a bit ‘buy a baby’ as an accessory to the new relationship, isn’t it?

What?! How is 5+ years a new relationship. And as for 'buy a baby' - gross! Unsure how two women are meant to have a baby without donor sperm...

BritInAus · 20/04/2023 00:40

Merryoldgoat · 19/04/2023 23:46

Personally I wouldn’t have children in a new relationship but accept I’m in the minority.

What are the reasons they don’t want a sibling? I didn’t want another sibling with my mum was pregnant with my youngest sister. I adored her and obviously still do, but we were poor, my mum was in a toxic relationship, we had no space and I was miserable. I think my reasons were valid.

Am I the only one who doesn't see a 5+ year relationship as 'new'?

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