DC don't want me to have another child

[tornmum101]

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

Absolutely not. They have enough changes in their lives to deal with.

Personally I don't blame them. It is difficult enough for kids in a broken home without inflicting a "blended family" set up on them too. Prioritise the kids you have.

@HeddaGarbled
What an odd take. Why does any relationship want a baby then in that case? Maybe because DP does not yet have children and wants to be a parent, maybe OP always wanted a third, maybe they want to experience parenthood together. The list goes on. It's also not buying a baby, you sound narrow minded.

I mean new as in second. Being part of a blended family and seeing lots in my extended family means I wouldn’t create one. That’s personal choice obviously but I can understand why children wouldn’t want that.

You asked the question and have your answer

why can’t parent/s put their childrens wants and needs first how many children end up being unhappy because of choices their parent/s make because of what they want

Maybe the feel they'll be expected to help a lot with the baby and they don't want that? It's a huge age gap. Tbh I can't imagine any 15 and 19 year old being thrilled by the idea. Ultimately it's your choice but I do think you need to ensure you're not lumbering them with any expectations of childcare.

You asked their opinions and they gave them. I imagine they view a new baby as very disruptive and just can’t imagine having a sibling 20 years younger than them.

It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have another child, just don’t expect your older children to be terribly interested. They’re teenagers after all!

Don't ask if you don't want the answer.

I actually do think teenagers really suffer when babies arrive in second relationships. Babies NEED you. And you have to meet their needs. But teenagers do too, it's just you can sort of neglect them and they'll live. So people do. For the next decade or more. And then they're too old to need you again.

They can feel replaced or insignificant. Yours are emotionally intelligent enough to tell you that. You can choose to listen or not.

Of course you should consider your DCs opinion, aren't they part of the family too? PP saying they won't care once the baby has arrived are being extremely naive.

I agree with MrsTerryPratchett that teenagers tend to suffer when a baby joins the family (I don't think it's just when the baby's a step-sibling either, though you have the added difficulties inherent in the step dynamic). It's hugely disruptive. The 15 year old will have exams over the next 3 years. The 19 year old will feel pushed out. Your focus goes from on them and getting them out in the world to the demands of someone whose dependence on you will be more consuming and seem far more urgent and deserving than their needs.

It's not up to them. But they're not wrong if they're worried about it from a selfish perspective. It's unlikely to be good for them, even if they do end up loving their sibling.

True @NumberTheory

I've only seen it in second relationships but I'm sure it happens in first ones too.

I don’t really understand why people have more kids with a new partner when they have already done that and moved on to the next stage of life.

I understand why your teens are unhappy about the decision. It is your decision, but you do have to accept that it may strain your relationship with your existing children.

Why the hell would anyone need to discuss this with children of any age. In a few years they will be off living their lives and their ‘decisions’ on yours/your partners conception rights will still be impacting your life.

do you get a say in their sex lifes and when they should have children?

They probably feel pushed out and think their mum won’t care about them anymore now that they’re adults (by the time you conceive). Young adults still really need their parents because late teens/early 20s is a crazy new chapter in their lives. Instead of you being excited about their A Level/university results, new jobs, new experiences etc, you’ll be pretty much solely concentrating on the baby/toddler. Your youngest will also be doing their A Levels whilst being forced to live with a baby.

Did you leave their dad because you realised you were gay? If it has been 5 years then this occurred at a major point in both of your DC’s lives. They not only had to deal with their parents splitting but also their mum’s sexuality.

Well, no one has a right or is ‘meant’ to have a baby. 🤷🏻‍♀️If you don’t have egg and sperm to make a baby, I don’t agree you that anyone should be able to buy them. It’s unethical.

I can’t blame the older kids not wanting a supposed blended family. My sons friends mum and dad both had more kids with their new partners when he was 16-19. He couldn’t stand it and when he and his sister moved out for uni, they both decided not to visit either parent very often. You risk putting a real distance between you and your kids if you go ahead. Your choice, but be prepared for them not to come around.

I would have been really put out as a 15 year old if there was suddenly a baby! From a purely selfish perspective of my home life was quite solid and predictable, and at that age I could see absolutely nothing appealing about babies. It would also mean thinking about my parents having sex.

I'm very close to my parents, and thinking it over if there had been a third child on the scene with that age group I'm not sure I would be to the same degree because from a sheer point of logistics they're going to have to come first a lot of the time. Family holidays would have changed, I doubt I'd have gone to gigs with my dad, no cinema trips.

So it doesn't surprise me in the least what their responses were. Whether you should let that persuade you against another child is a different matter.

Going against the wishes of teenagers risks fracturing the relationship. They have strong opinions and don’t yet have a fully developed prefrontal cortex to temper the emotions. I wouldn’t just plough on ahead without really talking to them.

I’m in the unique position of having been in your childrens’ shoes, OP.

Please don’t do it.

It will add another layer of unnecessary complexity to your whole family. Not just a ‘new sibling’ turning up when they’re older teens (let’s face it who wants that?) but the sperm donor aspect. As ‘enlightened’ as we all are now, I can’t pretend that this won’t be mentally challenging or embarrassing for them - I actually went to enormous lengths to keep it secret from my friends for YEARS and there are some who still don’t know. It’s much more unusual than simply having a baby with a new male partner, and even that would be unwelcome at their age. Their peers and friends won’t be as understanding as older adults.

It’s easy to act like you would be all fine and cool with it when it’s not actually happening to you.

I think most parents are against their children having babies whilst still living in at home, even if they act supportive.

Wow - shocked to see two posters who really seem like two women having a baby is embarrassing / unethical.

It probably would be embarrassing for OP’s children. We can’t pretend otherwise. If you can say hand on heart you wouldn’t have found this embarrassing at 15, then you’re being very disingenuous.

It’s all very well saying teens and young adults should have the level of understanding that older adults have, but they don’t.

I have no issue with lesbian couples having children via sperm donation, but when there are older children in the picture, they’re already dealing with their parents’ split, a new step parent, and the fact their parent is now in a same sex relationship. Adding a new baby into the mix, with added complexity around the sperm donation (would it be biologically related to the older kids?) is putting them through another complicated mental situation when they’ve probably only just processed everything I mentioned previously.

Like I said, very easy to make out you would be all cool and philosophical about it when it hasn’t happened to you.

How old are you? Will you be the biological mother of the child?
I ask just to understand your DCs points of view.
If they will be a biological half sibling and if you are in your 40s it adds a risk that your older children will feel responsible for the baby (whom they will most likely love once it is in existance) should anything unforseen happen to you.
They are worried for the whole family dynamics too.
I would not feel the need to have further kids, myself.

What? Lesbian couples buy babies? Is that really what you think?

Your kids will soon be living their own lives. I would worry that you and DP will by then regret not having a DC if by then age is a factor against it. They'll be rightfully off doing as they please having put the kibosh on something that's not really going to affect them by then.
I know the horse has bolted but I do think you should consider how much power you're giving the kids in your life. Open and honest communication is obviously vital with teens but I do think there's a line and they shouldn't need to know about certain topics and given the opportunity of a veto.
It reminds me of these threads where posters swoon in horror at the idea of parents moving house when the kids have left for Uni as if the loss of a childhood bedroom will scar them for life.
You're allowed to have a life too. You can reassure them that they're not expected to be involved in care or financially impacted. And then I would keep further discussion between you and DP.

That's a lot of "by thens"
The eternal MN cry of "oh for an edit button"