Page 22 | DC don't want me to have another child

tornmum101 · 2023-04-19T22:39:26+00:00

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years) My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly. would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

T1Dmama · 23/04/2023 03:15

Merryoldgoat · 19/04/2023 23:46

Personally I wouldn’t have children in a new relationship but accept I’m in the minority.

What are the reasons they don’t want a sibling? I didn’t want another sibling with my mum was pregnant with my youngest sister. I adored her and obviously still do, but we were poor, my mum was in a toxic relationship, we had no space and I was miserable. I think my reasons were valid.

Is 5+ years a ‘new’ relationship??

T1Dmama · 23/04/2023 03:17

I wonder if you were in a relationship with a man, would the kids even know you were thinking about having another baby??…. I’d think it would just happen and kids would just be told… I don’t think they should have so much say in the decisions you make.

marseille · 23/04/2023 05:03

I did it ( 11 year gap) between my then youngest and baby with new husband.
It's worked out very well but he is basically an only child , as older children have moved out.
I think adding the SS thing in makes it extra hard for your kids. Very similar situation with a friend of mine Her son doesn't really speak to her anymore as he feels that she was lying during her relationship with his father .

toomuchlaundry · 23/04/2023 08:20

I think the new relationship comment is just about it being a relationship that isn’t the original relationship with the dad, rather than the length of the relationship.

Robinni · 23/04/2023 09:03

bossonext · 22/04/2023 21:23

Mixed-race kids still get racist bullying in schools. Should people avoid having children with someone of a different race?

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@bossonext it annoys me that my commentary on facing the reality of the world has been taken in this way.

I was aware my DC might have SEN as it was in the family and that this would make them a target for bullies. So we had to be prepared to give greater resources to potential DC and be prepared to cope with bullying and other barriers in their lives.

It is the same for anyone where they know the child they are going to have will likely be marked as “different” and suffer for that.

You shouldn’t avoid having the child, but the difficulties the child will likely encounter on account of your decision as adults to bring them into the world have to be taken into account. As you have to be sure you can give them all of this extra love and care, because you are the people who’ve buckled them in for a bumpy ride.

As much as everyone wants the world to be a loving place without discrimination. It isn’t. I do think as parents we have to try and make the best decisions for potential and existing offspring as we can, being realistic about the implications of those decisions.

Which is exactly what this thread is about, no? OP wants to make the best decision for existing kids while taking into account her and DW’s needs, and that of the baby.

As I said initially; better to address the potential problems in any situation and try and troubleshoot ahead of time so that everyone is healthy and happy. Which is exactly what OP is doing by navigating the issue of DC feelings about new offspring and making sure things are as hunkydory as possible.

My advice was, go ahead if it’s what you want, but get the key exams over with, make sure you’ve budgeted to support the first two in life before spending more on another and prepare more emotional resources to help the children collectively cope in the event of any issues.

redskylight · 23/04/2023 09:38

bossonext · 22/04/2023 21:23

Mixed-race kids still get racist bullying in schools. Should people avoid having children with someone of a different race?

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I am mixed race. I am absolutely ecstatic that both my children pass as white and have advised them not to advertise the fact (people who've met me obviously know) that they have a mixed race parent.

Because, in an ideal world we would all embrace each others differences and all get on. But in the actual world we have, I'd rather not make my children's lives any harder than they have to be.

Lennybenny · 23/04/2023 18:04

redskylight · 23/04/2023 09:38

I am mixed race. I am absolutely ecstatic that both my children pass as white and have advised them not to advertise the fact (people who've met me obviously know) that they have a mixed race parent.

Because, in an ideal world we would all embrace each others differences and all get on. But in the actual world we have, I'd rather not make my children's lives any harder than they have to be.

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I'm mixed as well. One passes as white, the other could but doesn't. The white one goes to uni...I'd be happy if no-one knew who I was.

I don't like going anywhere with them because I don't want others to know they have a black parent. I hate being in new places with them as well.

rowanoak · 23/04/2023 19:23

My parents actually did adopt a 1 year old when I was in college. Then the biological parents (one of whom was my cousin) had another baby my parents have had since he was 1 day old. Neither of my adopted siblings ever felt the same as my bio siblings or like siblings to me. More like a young niece or nephew at best. There's no way a 19 year old could feel that a new baby is genuinely their sibling, bio or not, and throwing adoption or sperm donors into the mix makes it that much more incredulous. These people saying a 19 year old is going to love a new baby once it arrives are not living in reality. I certainly didn't love or welcome my parents' replacement children! In fact I stayed far away and let them to their Fake Happy Second Family.

rowanoak · 23/04/2023 19:35

In my above comment I was trying to replay to this one:

ModestMoon · 20/04/2023 11:30

Also, all of this "the child won't be a blood relative" comments - so what?? If a mum adopts a one year old and then three years later adopts another one year old, they are her children and each others' siblings.

--

So, no, from the perspective of the older child, they are NOT the same as a bio sibling you have when you are younger. (I had two bio siblings close to me in age and my relationships with them are very different than our kater adopted siblings.)

You can tell me that legally those babies became my siblings when my parents adopted them but it doesn't make me feel like they are. Instead it feels that my parents went out of their way to get more babies once I was grown. And I have no duty or obligation to act happy about that fact or view them as a sibling when it doesn't feel that way at all.

BTW - towards yours and others' comments that anyone who thinks this is a bad idea are homophobic... no. My parents are a cis straight man and woman/ conventional couple. My opinion is not influenced by homophobia but rather by my own situation of having something similar happen to me by straight parents. And that's without all the upheaval of divorce and remarriage first. I think this would be a horrible idea for any mom to do to her teenage daughters whether that mom is straight, lesbian, bi, cis, trans, etc.

She needs to think of the effect on the children she already has- being a mom doesn't end when your children turn 18 and one of these girls still has 3 years to go until then and will likely hate every minute of her late high school years thanks to her mom's decision to bring a new baby into the home that she has no choice but to keep living in. I feel so bad for her and it has nothing to do with her mom being a lesbian.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 24/04/2023 09:41

rowanoak · 23/04/2023 19:35

In my above comment I was trying to replay to this one:

ModestMoon · 20/04/2023 11:30

Also, all of this "the child won't be a blood relative" comments - so what?? If a mum adopts a one year old and then three years later adopts another one year old, they are her children and each others' siblings.

--

So, no, from the perspective of the older child, they are NOT the same as a bio sibling you have when you are younger. (I had two bio siblings close to me in age and my relationships with them are very different than our kater adopted siblings.)

You can tell me that legally those babies became my siblings when my parents adopted them but it doesn't make me feel like they are. Instead it feels that my parents went out of their way to get more babies once I was grown. And I have no duty or obligation to act happy about that fact or view them as a sibling when it doesn't feel that way at all.

BTW - towards yours and others' comments that anyone who thinks this is a bad idea are homophobic... no. My parents are a cis straight man and woman/ conventional couple. My opinion is not influenced by homophobia but rather by my own situation of having something similar happen to me by straight parents. And that's without all the upheaval of divorce and remarriage first. I think this would be a horrible idea for any mom to do to her teenage daughters whether that mom is straight, lesbian, bi, cis, trans, etc.

She needs to think of the effect on the children she already has- being a mom doesn't end when your children turn 18 and one of these girls still has 3 years to go until then and will likely hate every minute of her late high school years thanks to her mom's decision to bring a new baby into the home that she has no choice but to keep living in. I feel so bad for her and it has nothing to do with her mom being a lesbian.

You can share your experience without saying that other people in related - not exact same- circumstances are definitely going to have the same outcome. Without essentially telling them they are bad, selfish or making a mistake, which is what your post is conveying. What’s to say that the op’s children won’t understand that this is a different situation as op’s DW is not their parent, whereas for you it felt like ‘replacement’ (?) children because both of your bio parents adopted other children. Seems like your parents did something kind by adopting the unwanted children of a family member and that you would benefit from therapy to deal with the feelings this brought up in you. A 19 and 15 yos shouldn’t dictate what their parents do.

Devora13 · 25/04/2023 12:09

Your choice, not there's, although I would sit them down and say I was hurt by their negative comments, but wanted to give them a chance to discuss what's really bothering them about it.
Are they uncomfortable about the same sex relationship? Not saying it's right that they should be, but sometimes we need to educate and explore their feelings, although you've probably already done this.
Could it be that their father has made negative comments and they are just echoing him?

Robinni · 25/04/2023 12:16

Devora13 · 25/04/2023 12:09

Your choice, not there's, although I would sit them down and say I was hurt by their negative comments, but wanted to give them a chance to discuss what's really bothering them about it.
Are they uncomfortable about the same sex relationship? Not saying it's right that they should be, but sometimes we need to educate and explore their feelings, although you've probably already done this.
Could it be that their father has made negative comments and they are just echoing him?

@Devora13

The father is not in the picture.

OP has stated that the children are completely comfortable with her sexuality, have a good relationship with her and DW, have never been bullied and have plenty of gay/bi friends. It’s a non issue for the existing children.

Issania87 · 25/04/2023 16:06

I don't see what this decision has to do with your children.

It is between you and your wife, if it is the right decision for you then go for it!

JazbayGrapes · 26/04/2023 09:55

*I don't see what this decision has to do with your children.

It is between you and your wife, if it is the right decision for you then go for it!*

Its her decision if she wants to risk a massive fallout with the kids she already has. 19yo may just leave and go NC. The 15yo may go massively off the rails. Want that? You're welcome.
Why doen't the wife carry the baby?

Robinni · 26/04/2023 13:16

@JazbayGrapes DW is carrying the baby, but OP will be legal parent and on birth certificate as married to DW.

It’s not a house share with another woman having her own baby. If the DW has the baby it will still be OP’s just as much as in any other family.

The baby will still have the same impact on family regardless of who carries it. Though arguably the DC might be more likely to develop a stronger bond if OP carried as it would be a biological sibling.

MayThe4th · 26/04/2023 15:43

Robinni · 26/04/2023 13:16

@JazbayGrapes DW is carrying the baby, but OP will be legal parent and on birth certificate as married to DW.

It’s not a house share with another woman having her own baby. If the DW has the baby it will still be OP’s just as much as in any other family.

The baby will still have the same impact on family regardless of who carries it. Though arguably the DC might be more likely to develop a stronger bond if OP carried as it would be a biological sibling.

It will be the OP’s baby in name only though. And while the OP will consider it her baby, it won’t be her children’s sibling, and neither should they feel obliged to accept it as such. To all intents and purposes, the woman their mum is in a relationship with is going to have a baby, that’s all.

And FWIW I would feel the same if it was a heterosexual couple where e.g. the stepmom had a baby via donor sperm

NewNovember · 26/04/2023 16:01

MayThe4th · 26/04/2023 15:43

It will be the OP’s baby in name only though. And while the OP will consider it her baby, it won’t be her children’s sibling, and neither should they feel obliged to accept it as such. To all intents and purposes, the woman their mum is in a relationship with is going to have a baby, that’s all.

And FWIW I would feel the same if it was a heterosexual couple where e.g. the stepmom had a baby via donor sperm

Show quote history

No it would be her baby and a legal sibling. If you are married to someone who gives birth you are the other parent. The same goes for married couples when the mother has an affair and gets pregnant with someone else.

ToWhitToWhoo · 26/04/2023 16:15

I think it's not up to them. Many young people go through a phase where they hate to be reminded that their parents are still sexually active. And some people genuinely do dislike babies, or at least other people's babies. But you can't let adult and near-adult children dictate your life choices, any more than you can let your older relatives do so. The one thing I'd say is: as long as they have this attitude, try to avoid using them as babysitters, both for their own sake and that of the baby.

JazbayGrapes · 26/04/2023 16:20

Many young people go through a phase where they hate to be reminded that their parents are still sexually active.

Conceiving via sperm donor is different though

ToWhitToWhoo · 26/04/2023 16:21

JazbayGrapes · 26/04/2023 09:55

*I don't see what this decision has to do with your children.

It is between you and your wife, if it is the right decision for you then go for it!*

Its her decision if she wants to risk a massive fallout with the kids she already has. 19yo may just leave and go NC. The 15yo may go massively off the rails. Want that? You're welcome.
Why doen't the wife carry the baby?

Would you say the same if the mother was having a late baby with the children's own father? Some children would resent that too. But very few adult or teenage children would go NC or off the rails just because of a new baby, unless there are already major problems in the relationship with their parents, or unless they are forced to make major financial or practical sacrifices or to become unpaid childminders for the baby.

AskMeMore · 26/04/2023 16:35

Usual homophobia on MN.
But of course you take the views of children into account when having more children. I mean a 5 year old saying they do not want a sibling you would not take too seriously, but a 15 year old I would.

JazbayGrapes · 26/04/2023 16:37

Would you say the same if the mother was having a late baby with the children's own father?

You realize that its a completely different dynamic? OP's situation is a lot to unpack. Maybe all will be fine. Or not. She'll have to deal with potential fallout. I'd really worry about the impact on the 15yo because that is a very vulnerable age.

AskMeMore · 26/04/2023 16:56

OP is having a baby with a new partner. It is a classic situation. Couple have a couple of kids, divorce. Mum meets a new partner and they have another kid together.

Rose40Berry · 26/04/2023 17:01

JazbayGrapes · 26/04/2023 16:37

Would you say the same if the mother was having a late baby with the children's own father?

You realize that its a completely different dynamic? OP's situation is a lot to unpack. Maybe all will be fine. Or not. She'll have to deal with potential fallout. I'd really worry about the impact on the 15yo because that is a very vulnerable age.

errrr do you know any queer families where the mum has had a baby with her partner after a separation?! It’s really not uncommon at all for women who come out later in life after having to repress their sexuality for years because of prejudicial nonsense like this. And it’s no different to any other blended family. Most people aren’t obsessed with biology as the foundation of a family like you. The homophobia in your comments is very thinly disguised.

Stewball01 · 28/04/2023 14:23

@HeddaGarbled
it's not a new relationship. If you'd read it you'd have seen they've been together for over 5 years.