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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC don't want me to have another child

552 replies

tornmum101 · 19/04/2023 23:39

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 20/04/2023 08:05

No-one has talked about the potential child either. They will have no biological link to their siblings and won’t know who their father is. All round this is not a good idea.

SoupDragon · 20/04/2023 08:05

Clymene · 20/04/2023 08:03

Her wife is the one having the baby if you read the OP's posts.

Show quote history

That doesn't say how she feels about the DC's opinions though.

StopFeckingFaffing · 20/04/2023 08:07

I can completely understand why a 15 and 19 year old wouldn't want their Mum to have a baby, it will impact on them and your availability as a parent if you have a baby to look after. A baby in the house will be a big change for all people living there not just the parents.

Do you really want a baby or is it subconsciously about validating your current relationship?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/04/2023 08:08

BritInAus · 20/04/2023 07:36

Some posters aren't doing a great job of trying to disguise homophobia.

if this baby was a 'happy surprise' later in life when OP had remarried a man, would the comments be the same?

The comments wouldn't be the same because they're two different scenarios.

CoffeeBean5 · 20/04/2023 08:10

tornmum101 · 20/04/2023 06:13

I wish I hadn't asked now, these answers have made me feel terrible, although I had noticed from previous threads that MN is very against blended families.

They're not jokey, but I also know if I said we weren't going to have a baby because of them they would say its up to us (well, the older one would)

they make comments such as

"I'll hate it (the sibling)"

"I hate babies"

"I'm not allowed a hamster but you're allowed a whole human?!"

My DW would be carrying the child. We are married but I was trying not to be outing. DC have a great relationship with DW and do count her as step-mum.

Show quote history

Your 15yo will have GCSEs and A Levels soon and will be forced to study for exams whilst living with a baby. Your time will be mainly absorbed by the baby then toddler. Your older two dc will feel pushed out as you won’t be there to fully celebrate their ‘firsts’ as they go through their young adulthood. A lot of people on Mumsnet seem to think you can wave your child away once they hit 18yo, but the truth is they’ll need support for new things they will encounter as a young adult.

They’ve already had to deal with their parents splitting because you finally came out as gay and wanted to be in a relationship with a woman. They probably felt their childhood was a lie. They weren’t tiny children when you split so that’s a lot of adjustment. Now they have to deal with a baby that will take up their mum’s time.

Kimten · 20/04/2023 08:10

I don't blame your dc.
I feel a bit sorry for them, to be honest.
A baby will be like a bomb going off in their lives.
Stick with the dc you already have.

justme202 · 20/04/2023 08:11

If you go forward you need to have absolutely clear boundaries with the baby. I know several families with massive age differences between kids (some blended, some not, some same sex, some straight). Only one of them works well (i.e. the kids speak with each other), all others have massive resentment from either the youngest (massively jealous that the older ones had so much more time with parents and demand more of everything because of it) or the oldest (severely pissed off they were either seen as default parents when the actual parents didn’t want to parent, or basically left to own devices once the baby arrived).
To make this work you will have to put in cast iron barriers for both you and your wife. All kids are equally important and need time. If you never had time for school plays etc for the oldest - don’t make time for the youngest either (or have a very honest discussion with your older kids about your regrets and make up time - but don’t create a spoilt baby situation). And the oldest are never ever babysitters except they really want to, and even than they need to be thanked properly etc
It can work (the one family i know who made it work are amazing with each other, a great bond between siblings), but it needs hard work and discipline from the adults. Only you and your wife can know if you are able to do this.

toomuchlaundry · 20/04/2023 08:14

@Naunet I am not a fan of blended families, doesn’t matter on the sex of the parents.

Remember one thread a few years ago when a poster was wondering why she was having issues with her 2 DDs. She had divorced the dad a few years previously. Both remarried, both new partners had children and then both had children in their new relationship. It needed pointing out to this poster that her DDs had gone from having one sibling to about 10 in the space of a couple of years, together with the upset of their parents splitting up. The poster acknowledged that it hadn’t occurred to her that the addition of so many siblings may have had an impact on her DDs

MyHouseOnTheHill · 20/04/2023 08:17

Naunet · 20/04/2023 07:57

So her wife needs to have her chance of having a baby of her own, decided by her step children otherwise she’s selfish?! Fucking ridiculous. So many men bugger off with a younger woman and has more kids, no one calls them selfish.

OP, I’ve been in your kids shoes, my mum had a baby with my step dad, and even though I wasn’t keen, I absolutely love him to bits. The big age gap probably helped with that. Kids shouldn’t be dictating their parents lives.

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Of course people call men selfish for doing that. Do you read threads on here? People think it’s a fucking nightmare for all the kids involved. Look on the step parenting thread if in any doubt. Blended families have an added layer of mess.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 20/04/2023 08:17

"I'm not allowed a hamster but you're allowed a whole human?!"

Im sorry but I was howling at this

JaneFondue · 20/04/2023 08:17

I wouldn't. I would put my existing DC first. They are at delicate ages. And the world is hard for young people. They may end up living with you.

3WildOnes · 20/04/2023 08:18

Naunet · 20/04/2023 08:02

Why? I absolutely adore my half brother and am much closer to him than my dickhead “full” brother.

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My children would be pretty devastated if my husband and I divorced. I wouldn't want them to feel rejected or that they were being replaced by a new family. I don't think it would be fair to them to lose any of the time and attention they have, I don't think the gain of a sibling would make up for the loss. Watching this new happy family in their house when they lost their 'happy family'.

I'm really glad that having a half sibling was a positive experience to you. Unfortunately, I meet so many children who do feel rejected after a half sibling comes along.

W0tnow · 20/04/2023 08:19

No I wouldn’t.

An emphatic no if donor is anonymous.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 20/04/2023 08:19

Ask them why they are objecting - if it‘s a reasonable concern (don’t want to be a default babysitter eg), reassure them you won’t. If it’s unreasonable (as pp said, ‘teenagers are embarrassed if mum is pregnant’), then talk to them but do proceed with having a baby.

Hongkongsuey · 20/04/2023 08:22

I just wouldn’t. I would t see it as fair to my existing children and would t want to deal with the long term implications of having a tiny child when my existing ones had to deal with their parents splitting up and negotiating all the things on the cusp of adulthood.

DeadButDelicious · 20/04/2023 08:24

It's difficult. On the one hand I can see where your kids are coming from, at 15 I couldn't have imagined much worse than a baby being in the house. I didn't realise it at the time but I really needed my parents at that age, particularly with exams looming. Having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship at the best of times. On the other, it's not fair to expect your wife to have no children of her own because two teenagers, who may not be at home much longer, said no.

I think as you have involved them in this conversation then you need to explain to them what this means, particularly to your wife. It's a difficult situation but hopefully not an insurmountable one and if handled well it could be ok.

Good luck OP!

Snaaaaacks · 20/04/2023 08:29

tornmum101 · 20/04/2023 06:13

I wish I hadn't asked now, these answers have made me feel terrible, although I had noticed from previous threads that MN is very against blended families.

They're not jokey, but I also know if I said we weren't going to have a baby because of them they would say its up to us (well, the older one would)

they make comments such as

"I'll hate it (the sibling)"

"I hate babies"

"I'm not allowed a hamster but you're allowed a whole human?!"

My DW would be carrying the child. We are married but I was trying not to be outing. DC have a great relationship with DW and do count her as step-mum.

Show quote history

If your wife is having the baby it won't even be related to them, you won't be doing the giving birth so I can't see the issue? It's effectively like you adopting a child as an older parent. I guess if they want support at uni and you are paying for a baby there's that impact, but apart from that and sharing inheritance once you are gone I can't think of any other reason to object? They'll be moving out of home soon (if they even live with you) so they won't be growing up with this child.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/04/2023 08:33

They don’t get a say in the matter

it’s that simple really

and plus at their ages they will be off to uni or wherever soon and living their own lives.

time for you to live yours

Whinge · 20/04/2023 08:34

I guess if they want support at uni and you are paying for a baby there's that impact, but apart from that and sharing inheritance once you are gone I can't think of any other reason to object? They'll be moving out of home soon (if they even live with you) so they won't be growing up with this child.

There's no guarantee they'll be moving out any time soon. The 15 year old is about the go through GCSEs and A levels, and a newborn / small child is going to have a huge impact on their home environment.

Sugarfree23 · 20/04/2023 08:35

Op taking your kids views out of it.
You've been a mum for 20 years, do you really want to commit to being tied to small children for another 20 years?

I think it's time to enjoy having time to yourself for a bit. And wait for Grandkids to come along.

I'm also assuming your early 40s, do you really want to be going through the exam stresses when your pushing 60?

Thinking of your kids, have they told friends that you have a female partner?

Butterfly44 · 20/04/2023 08:37

Do they still live at home? That's an important question. You might want to have a child but they don't want to live with one.

It's your life, but respect your DCs answers. Don't expect them to help or care for the baby and expect your own relationship with them to change. I expect they will want to distance as much as possible.

EmmaEmerald · 20/04/2023 08:38

Snaaacks “They'll be moving out of home soon (if they even live with you) so they won't be growing up with this child.”

but they will in a way. Also it makes the house a place to escape from rather than somewhere you can go for help if you need it.

My mum joked about having another when she started peri. I was really upset in case they did. (They didn’t).

Of course it’s up to the couple involved. But there’s no point pretending there’s any right or wrong or as some posters have said, a “good” reason for objecting. If a family dynamic is massively altered, people will have feelings about it, and we can’t turn our feelings on and off like taps.

Sugarfree23 · 20/04/2023 08:38

BTW I'm not anti older mums, but if I had a choice it wouldn't be my choice. Took me 5 years to get my youngest and I was close to giving up.
I really want to retire at some point, but it's going to tie to when the youngest is through uni and into a job.

moveoverye · 20/04/2023 08:40

Well now that you’ve asked them it’s going to be difficult to disregard their opinion. Shame you mentioned it really!

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 08:40

Ah OP, you've run up against the classic MN homophobia I'm afraid...
We're a same-sex family, and for what it's worth here's my opinion

This is really between you and your partner, if you want another child go for it. I can see why see might want to have a baby together, she came into your children's lives when they were well out of baby-hood/toddler-hood.

They'll be gone soon, so really shouldn't be allowed to dictate the next chapter of your life. You're in a happy stable relationship, you can afford a child, and you aren't coming to the decision lightly. If you'd have been a straight couple, you'd probably just have got on with it.

The only advice I have is if you do have a child together - if you want to be automatically considered the other equal parent, you;ll need to get married or ave a CP before you even conceive. Annoying but it's the most straightforward way.