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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC don't want me to have another child

552 replies

tornmum101 · 19/04/2023 23:39

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 20/04/2023 07:17

My friends marriage broke down and she later divorced and got a new do and fell pregant with child number 4 very quickly into the relationship, her 14 year old isn't very impressed at all. Lots of changes in such a small amount of time not to meantion lack of room.

MyHouseOnTheHill · 20/04/2023 07:17

tornmum101 · 20/04/2023 06:13

I wish I hadn't asked now, these answers have made me feel terrible, although I had noticed from previous threads that MN is very against blended families.

They're not jokey, but I also know if I said we weren't going to have a baby because of them they would say its up to us (well, the older one would)

they make comments such as

"I'll hate it (the sibling)"

"I hate babies"

"I'm not allowed a hamster but you're allowed a whole human?!"

My DW would be carrying the child. We are married but I was trying not to be outing. DC have a great relationship with DW and do count her as step-mum.

Show quote history

I think it’s best you see how people feel, especially those that have been in a similar situation to your children.

Besides the buying sperm which I think is unethical as it deliberately creates a child who won’t know their father although it is slightly better than surrogacy I suppose. Besides that, your kids are unlikely to be close to this child. The age gap and the fact that they’re not going to share a parent means the child will potentially be of very little importance to them. It’s more likely to just cause a division. As a teen, I’d have been moving out as soon as I could, picking a Uni far, far away and be visiting only at Xmas for a few days. I just wouldn’t have been interested in a child I wasn’t related to, not sure I’d have been interested in one i was related to either.

KathyBothy · 20/04/2023 07:17

I had a similar choice to consider, also previous relationship with a man and had my 2 children. That ended, and I'm now with my wife, together 15 years, married 11 years.
My wife has no children of her own, but is very much my children's step mum. They have a wonderful relationship and are both grown up, they continue their relationship with her through their choice because they love her and she loves them.

Had my wife wanted a child I would have considered it, however she decided not to because of my kids as she felt it would be difficult for them at the time.
In your case OP, you have your kids. How will your wife feel if you decide not to have a child with her, and how will you feel knowing that perhaps she may regret that decision? Is it her who wants this most or you?

Nannyfannybanny · 20/04/2023 07:21

I must be a complete rarity. Posted recently on MN about "blended families. Personally, only child and absolutely hated it. Spent all my childhood asking for siblings,late DM miscarried. H tried to kill me (insured for large sum, business gone bust) admitted to being gay, only married me as a "front" house re-posessed
Already knew 2nd DH, I worked with him. His DF had just died,my DM,best friend was dying. We bonded over this. Because of my age/gynae issues,GP said I would need to get a move on.DH had no children. A year later we sat round the dining table,he told the kids, 7,13,19,we were hoping to have a baby,they all thought it was a great idea. Had a miscarriage,then a baby at 41. The oldest had a baby the following year,and I had the menopause. Often throughout the following years, various siblings have lived together,they have never called each half,they are brothers and sisters.

mydogisthebest · 20/04/2023 07:25

Why do so many women feel the need to have a baby with every new partner? You have 2 children who are almost grown up why on earth would you even want to have a baby now?

Selfish

Meandfour · 20/04/2023 07:26

CharlieTown · 20/04/2023 00:34

If you hadn't mentioned the fact it was a new dp then you would have got unanimous advice that you should do what you want and it's not your choice. However on mumsnet, step children should get whatever they want, no matter the impact on anyone else.

Personally I think raising a children to believe that their wants come before everyone else's is a bad idea and will cause them issues later in life.

Wrong. Plenty of posts on here from woman saying they’re wondering about having number 3 and people sharing no. Especially when there’s a gap of 7/8 years.

19 & 15tos… absolutely no way I’d do this.

Go ahead OP if you and your partner desperately want a baby. But you risk permanently damaging your relationship with your existing children so it comes down to what’s more important to you.

Meandfour · 20/04/2023 07:27

mydogisthebest · 20/04/2023 07:25

Why do so many women feel the need to have a baby with every new partner? You have 2 children who are almost grown up why on earth would you even want to have a baby now?

Selfish

Agree.

PrinnyPree · 20/04/2023 07:33

I don't think your wife should be dictated to whether she's allowed a child by her step children, especially if this would be her first and you've been married for 5 years.

I do sympathise if your youngest is going through exams and if you can hang on till GCSEs and A levels are out of the way perhaps?

But this is absolutley an adult decision and incredibly unfair on your wife if her step children have this much power over her. Xx

redskylight · 20/04/2023 07:35

Leaving the children aside, you must be at least in your 40s based on the age of your children. That's a hard age to have a baby, without taking into account the additional pressure of having 2 teens to look after as well.

If you were my friend I would think you were mad to do it. DS's friend's mum had a baby with his stepdad (similar length relationship) when he was 16 (the friend). It's not worked out well for him, despite the well meaning attempts of both his parents and his step dad. And he quite likes his new sibling.

CalistoNoSolo · 20/04/2023 07:36

mydogisthebest · 20/04/2023 07:25

Why do so many women feel the need to have a baby with every new partner? You have 2 children who are almost grown up why on earth would you even want to have a baby now?

Selfish

Massively selfish on so many levels. Your 15yo will be particularly badly affected as the baby will take your time and resources away at a critical point in their education. And of course your children should get a say on whether another human is added to their family and their home. Can't believe so many posters are saying it's nothing to do with them.

BritInAus · 20/04/2023 07:36

Some posters aren't doing a great job of trying to disguise homophobia.

if this baby was a 'happy surprise' later in life when OP had remarried a man, would the comments be the same?

3WildOnes · 20/04/2023 07:37

I wouldn't have another child in your circumstances. I wouldn't want my children to have half siblings.

teacakesforbreakfast · 20/04/2023 07:43

If you haven't already done this I think you need more of a sit-down discussion with them so they understand what it would mean to you but can also raise any specific concerns they have. That might help you to weigh it up a bit more. Sounds like at the moment you don't have much more than "We want it but they don't" which is impossible to balance.

They may well have legitimate concerns. DH is the eldest of his siblings and found that just as his relationship with his parents was transitioning into a new phase, they were flung back into baby times. They don't seem to have adapted their relationship since and DH still feels a bit on a limb even well into adulthood. But you need a proper conversation to know exactly what's at play.

Avocadont77 · 20/04/2023 07:46

Some of the comments on this thread are awful!

Having half siblings is not some mark of shame. I happen to have three, and I have a good relationship with two of them.

Your child getting a hamster in exchange for you having a baby sets a bad precedent, I wouldn’t recommend that. The two should not be mutually exclusive.

KittyAlfred · 20/04/2023 07:46

Ponderingwindow · 20/04/2023 02:36

I don’t really understand why people have more kids with a new partner when they have already done that and moved on to the next stage of life.

I understand why your teens are unhappy about the decision. It is your decision, but you do have to accept that it may strain your relationship with your existing children.

I agree. I see this on MN a lot - “DP has 2 kids from his first marriage and 1 from his second, I have 1 from my first marriage and 3 from my second, and we’d love to have a baby together”. Why?? Is a relationship not complete unless you’ve reproduced?

I assume in this case that OP’s partner has never had kids and is younger, so it’s a bit different. But it’s still a lot for the teens to adjust to. And of course the financial cost of treatment is many thousands.

MyHouseOnTheHill · 20/04/2023 07:50

BritInAus · 20/04/2023 07:36

Some posters aren't doing a great job of trying to disguise homophobia.

if this baby was a 'happy surprise' later in life when OP had remarried a man, would the comments be the same?

A happy surprise with a man would still have a massive impact on the teens so it would still be a bad idea imo. The age gap is too much. They may possibly feel more of a bond to the child as they would share a mother in that situation but I still think it would cause a lot of problems and teens would just want to be out of home as soon as they could. My kids are similar ages to OPs and share a very close sibling bond, if I had a baby now, they wouldn’t be part of that. I couldn’t consider it.

Tandora · 20/04/2023 07:56

CharlieTown · 20/04/2023 00:34

If you hadn't mentioned the fact it was a new dp then you would have got unanimous advice that you should do what you want and it's not your choice. However on mumsnet, step children should get whatever they want, no matter the impact on anyone else.

Personally I think raising a children to believe that their wants come before everyone else's is a bad idea and will cause them issues later in life.

Are you joking? Mumsnet is anti women having babies regardless of the reason 🤣.

Naunet · 20/04/2023 07:57

Meandfour · 20/04/2023 07:27

Agree.

Show quote history

So her wife needs to have her chance of having a baby of her own, decided by her step children otherwise she’s selfish?! Fucking ridiculous. So many men bugger off with a younger woman and has more kids, no one calls them selfish.

OP, I’ve been in your kids shoes, my mum had a baby with my step dad, and even though I wasn’t keen, I absolutely love him to bits. The big age gap probably helped with that. Kids shouldn’t be dictating their parents lives.

pickledandpuzzled · 20/04/2023 07:58

BritInAus · 20/04/2023 07:36

Some posters aren't doing a great job of trying to disguise homophobia.

if this baby was a 'happy surprise' later in life when OP had remarried a man, would the comments be the same?

Big difference between a happy surprise/accident that you make the best of, and planning something that's not ideal for some of the people involved.

Just as your DC are getting ready to adventure out, shipping in a replacement might feel a bit undermining.

But that's how I'd feel not how OP and her DC feel, so it's her choice.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2023 07:59

How does your wife feel about all of this? If she doesn’t have children of her own it’s a bigger decision for her. Did she agree to ask yours their opinion? How about now they’ve said no?

Has your ex had other children?

EmmaEmerald · 20/04/2023 08:00

BritInAus · 20/04/2023 07:36

Some posters aren't doing a great job of trying to disguise homophobia.

if this baby was a 'happy surprise' later in life when OP had remarried a man, would the comments be the same?

No homophobia. It would be the same if it were a man and an accident with the same father would still be awful. As I say, you think the risk of siblings is over at that age.

one girl at school basically lived at the library for A levels because her parents had a baby. She also spent a lot of nights on friends sofas because there wasn’t a crying baby. Being late teens is usually fun. I just hope OP doesn’t try to lumber anyone with babysitting.

on the plus side, it probably means your kids will be extra careful about contraception. Or to quote Sex and the City, “honey, isn’t the baby contraceptive enough?” 😂

Naunet · 20/04/2023 08:02

3WildOnes · 20/04/2023 07:37

I wouldn't have another child in your circumstances. I wouldn't want my children to have half siblings.

Why? I absolutely adore my half brother and am much closer to him than my dickhead “full” brother.

kingfisher168 · 20/04/2023 08:02

It sounds like your DCs just don't fully understand the importance of this to you and your DW - which is understandable given their age, and I am sure in 10 years they would realise that it was a bit selfish of them to say that.

Maybe speaking to a psychologist on how to go from here (perhaps how to make them understand this is something that is important to you both) might be worth it?

Clymene · 20/04/2023 08:03

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2023 07:59

How does your wife feel about all of this? If she doesn’t have children of her own it’s a bigger decision for her. Did she agree to ask yours their opinion? How about now they’ve said no?

Has your ex had other children?

Her wife is the one having the baby if you read the OP's posts.

Naunet · 20/04/2023 08:04

BritInAus · 20/04/2023 07:36

Some posters aren't doing a great job of trying to disguise homophobia.

if this baby was a 'happy surprise' later in life when OP had remarried a man, would the comments be the same?

Yep , I have to agree this comes down to homophobia and sexism. You never see this reaction to a man going on to have more kids.

Then we also have all the people who have never had a half sibling, acting like it’s something bad and shameful, which is frankly, fucking offensive.