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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC don't want me to have another child

552 replies

tornmum101 · 19/04/2023 23:39

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

OP posts:
TheRealist · 20/04/2023 03:33

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Coffeeandbourbons · 20/04/2023 03:33

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What makes you think that Confused

TheMiddleOfTheMiddle · 20/04/2023 03:35

BritInAus · 20/04/2023 03:13

Wow - shocked to see two posters who really seem like two women having a baby is embarrassing / unethical.

Not sure if that includes my post. If it does, just to clarify, it’s not just lesbians I think it’s unethical for, it’s anyone using donor eggs and sperm. Gay, lesbian, straight, everyone.

TheMiddleOfTheMiddle · 20/04/2023 03:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That made me laugh though. 😅 I presumed it was probably driven by OPs partner if she doesn’t have kids already or just the desire to have one together, not benefits.

Mumsnet 😬

rainydaysandstormynights · 20/04/2023 03:39

Normally, I would say that parents should make their own decisions in these matters, but these are unusual circumstances, and you shouldn't have asked their opinion if you weren't prepared for all possible answers.

They're much older than most "children" are when faced with the idea of a new sibling, but that's only the beginning. We don't know how they took your split with their father, or how they get on with your partner, but that might have been difficult for them, and now you're talking about bringing a baby into the mix. Since you said the baby would be a half-sibling, I assume you'd be the biological mother, but the father will be a complete stranger... It's an odd situation for them to wrap their heads around, in many ways, and they're at that "selfish teenager" stage, as well. I'm not surprised they aren't overjoyed at the thought, to be honest.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2023 03:42

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2023 03:02

Going against the wishes of teenagers risks fracturing the relationship. They have strong opinions and don’t yet have a fully developed prefrontal cortex to temper the emotions. I wouldn’t just plough on ahead without really talking to them.

Which is exactly why they need their parents. That's the point, they're children. Being replaced with fresh ones isn't great for teenagers.

Original poster
tornmum101 · 20/04/2023 03:50

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you caught me - its the £24 a week child benefit I'm after

OP posts:
StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 20/04/2023 03:53

When you decided to discuss it with them you gave them the impression that they have a right to an opinion about it. So you should listen to, and give value to that opinion.

That's not to say you have to go along with it, but I don't think you should just bark 'my body my choice' at them like some people are suggesting, given you invited them into this conversation in the first place.

FrumptyMumpty · 20/04/2023 04:05

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MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2023 04:11

you caught me - its the £24 a week child benefit I'm after

Grin
WaitingfortheTardis · 20/04/2023 04:28

Personally I wouldn't, a baby will change everything at this stage in their lives. In not all that long you could be becoming a grandmother, having your own young child will make a huge difference to all the relationships involved and the time you will have available for them. I would also be putting my own children and my ability to be there for them in general before a potential new baby

MayThe4th · 20/04/2023 05:17

It’s difficult enough as it is for teenagers to suddenly get used to a baby in the family, add that it’s a stepfamily into the mix and things become far more complicated with room for resentment.

Then throw in the fact they’ve had to come to terms with the fact that their mum is gay and the possible thinking that their whole childhood was a farce due to their mum hiding her sexuality and keeping up the pretence of a marriage to their father, and now throwing a sperm donor and another woman into the mix.

And who is going to carry this baby? If it’s you then it will be their half sibling only. If it’s your partner then it won’t actually be their sibling at all, just the baby their mum’s partner (it would be unreasonable to expect them to think of her as their stepmum) had with some anonymous sperm donor.

Nope. You would be absolutely unreasonable to even consider this, even if the children hadn’t been asked. Their lives have been disrupted enough as it is.

TheMiddleOfTheMiddle · 20/04/2023 05:23

MayThe4th · 20/04/2023 05:17

It’s difficult enough as it is for teenagers to suddenly get used to a baby in the family, add that it’s a stepfamily into the mix and things become far more complicated with room for resentment.

Then throw in the fact they’ve had to come to terms with the fact that their mum is gay and the possible thinking that their whole childhood was a farce due to their mum hiding her sexuality and keeping up the pretence of a marriage to their father, and now throwing a sperm donor and another woman into the mix.

And who is going to carry this baby? If it’s you then it will be their half sibling only. If it’s your partner then it won’t actually be their sibling at all, just the baby their mum’s partner (it would be unreasonable to expect them to think of her as their stepmum) had with some anonymous sperm donor.

Nope. You would be absolutely unreasonable to even consider this, even if the children hadn’t been asked. Their lives have been disrupted enough as it is.

I agree with all of this and really feel for the kids.

pinkfondu · 20/04/2023 05:24

What things are they saying op?

greyhairnomore · 20/04/2023 05:27

No way would I have another baby when my kids were that age , you've almost got your freedom back.

ChaToilLeam · 20/04/2023 05:48

I imagine the 15 year old is not thrilled at the prospect of having a wailing infant and demanding toddler in the house just when important exams are looming. And the 19 year old becoming more independent and not wanting to be roped into babysitting. Make no mistake, they will feel replaced.

You may be lucky and they may love the baby once here. The age gap is so large though, I think it’s more likely they’ll have little relationship at all. I feel sorry for your younger teen who is going to be stuck with this situation, at least the older one can escape.

Up to you but I think it’s a terrible idea.

ziggiestardust · 20/04/2023 05:54

Can you give us an idea of the sorts of comments they're making OP? Is it jokey or made out of concern for a medical condition, something like that?

romdowa · 20/04/2023 05:59

Your first mistake was asking them. Teenagers are selfish by nature but in a few years they'll be gone and you'll forever regret the fact you didn't have another child. Sometimes children don't come first.

Dibbydoos · 20/04/2023 06:05

Why do you need another child? The world is over populated. Stick with the 2 you have and be happy.

Tumbleweed101 · 20/04/2023 06:08

Which of you would carry the baby? Would that make a difference to how they feel?

Personally I wouldn’t want to start from scratch having older teens. Is your partner the one who is needing a baby more of the two of you?

Clymene · 20/04/2023 06:10

Of course they don't want you to have a baby. They're teenagers. Why would you have thought they would? Confused

Original poster
tornmum101 · 20/04/2023 06:13

ziggiestardust · 20/04/2023 05:54

Can you give us an idea of the sorts of comments they're making OP? Is it jokey or made out of concern for a medical condition, something like that?

I wish I hadn't asked now, these answers have made me feel terrible, although I had noticed from previous threads that MN is very against blended families.

They're not jokey, but I also know if I said we weren't going to have a baby because of them they would say its up to us (well, the older one would)

they make comments such as

"I'll hate it (the sibling)"

"I hate babies"

"I'm not allowed a hamster but you're allowed a whole human?!"

My DW would be carrying the child. We are married but I was trying not to be outing. DC have a great relationship with DW and do count her as step-mum.

OP posts:
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 20/04/2023 06:13

@TheMiddleOfTheMiddle is it just homosexual couples you object to 'buying babies' or do you include heterosexual couples experiencing eg fertility issues in that phrase too?

WhatInFreshHell · 20/04/2023 06:16

@HeddaGarbled @TheMiddleOfTheMiddle WTF?! Are you both serious?! How offensive!

Namechange224422 · 20/04/2023 06:18

I’m amazed how many posters on this thread haven’t realised that some people are bi!

In your position before I made any sort of decision I think that I would try and get to the bottom of why they don’t want you to have another child.

There is probably some middle ground where you can still have another child but put into place things to balance at least some of their concerns. Or where you could wait until the youngest is at uni.