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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC don't want me to have another child

552 replies

tornmum101 · 19/04/2023 23:39

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

OP posts:
BringItOnxxx · 20/04/2023 06:18

It sounds like you're weighing up all the options OP. I think the kids will find it easier if you're not carrying the baby as you will be less affected by pregnancy etc.

Could you get the kid a hamster to even things up....? Or are they past that stage.

1AngelicFruitCake · 20/04/2023 06:20

HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2023 00:09

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years

Why?

It’s a bit ‘buy a baby’ as an accessory to the new relationship, isn’t it?

Agree.

Yourteaisgettingcold · 20/04/2023 06:26

I'm quite shocked at the comments about 'buying a baby' and a 5+ year relationship being new. Not to mention asking why they need a donor sperm. Come on now?!!

Doingmybest12 · 20/04/2023 06:28

How old are you if children are 19 and 15. What is the likelihood of complications or a child with additional needs ie sibling that might be dependent on them in the future. With children that age I wouldn't be starting again and I am always unsure about the I want to have children together with the new partner thing ,to cement the family or what ever. In your circumstances , children that old I think it is a no for me.

ziggiestardust · 20/04/2023 06:29

@tornmum101 that is a tricky one. It does sound like a lot of it could be taken in a jokey way (especially the hamster comment, that is a bit funny!)

I think MN can have a prejudiced view against blended families, but the truth is a lot of people have had first hand, really awful experiences and we shouldn't erase that. I also know that it is possible to have a positive blended family experience; so we shouldn't discount that either. Only you know whether it would work in your personal situation.

I tend to think.... (and I say this as someone who ummed and ahhed about a second child for a very very long time), I would rather always slightly wish I'd had another child, than regret for one second bringing another child into the world. No take backsies, you know? Good luck with whatever you decide.

KimberleyClark · 20/04/2023 06:30

CharlieTown · 20/04/2023 00:34

If you hadn't mentioned the fact it was a new dp then you would have got unanimous advice that you should do what you want and it's not your choice. However on mumsnet, step children should get whatever they want, no matter the impact on anyone else.

Personally I think raising a children to believe that their wants come before everyone else's is a bad idea and will cause them issues later in life.

But it’s ok for the OP to put her wants first?

Sittwritt · 20/04/2023 06:31

Well I suppose if DW wanted a child of her own with a donor technically this would not be a sibling for your DC. Maybe you can discuss this with them as in letting DW get in with it if this is what she feels she needs to do. Two kids is more than enough grapple with in terms of giving them enough time and attention. Those comments about the hamster are indicative of a bigger problem and that is that your kids did not get a choice over whether their nuclear family gets to be broken up, no choice over anything. You may have to be careful about them though as sometimes kids that feel that their lives are not a product of their choices or in which they feel heard, or taken into account, can resort to eating issues in early teen stage or kind of gaining control over anything, self harm etc. So really their comments are a symptom of a much much bigger problem than just a baby.

readbooksdrinktea · 20/04/2023 06:31

MayThe4th · 20/04/2023 05:17

It’s difficult enough as it is for teenagers to suddenly get used to a baby in the family, add that it’s a stepfamily into the mix and things become far more complicated with room for resentment.

Then throw in the fact they’ve had to come to terms with the fact that their mum is gay and the possible thinking that their whole childhood was a farce due to their mum hiding her sexuality and keeping up the pretence of a marriage to their father, and now throwing a sperm donor and another woman into the mix.

And who is going to carry this baby? If it’s you then it will be their half sibling only. If it’s your partner then it won’t actually be their sibling at all, just the baby their mum’s partner (it would be unreasonable to expect them to think of her as their stepmum) had with some anonymous sperm donor.

Nope. You would be absolutely unreasonable to even consider this, even if the children hadn’t been asked. Their lives have been disrupted enough as it is.

Yeah, I agree with this. Maybe they'll move out though beforehand. In their case, I would, and not visit very much.

But it is your choice. It just comes with consequences for the dynamics of the family already here.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/04/2023 06:32

I'm really torn here.

On one hand, I would have hated having to deal with a screaming baby in the house at those ages - especially at 15 when I was dealing with exams and not able to move out if I was struggling.

However the flip side is that your decision to have a baby really isn't anything to do with them - and I think the mistake you've made is discussing it before it's a done deal. If you were in a heterosexual relationship, would you be discussing it as much?

Ultimately it is your decision though I think you'd need to be prepared for them not to like it, to potentially move in with dad if he's around, and for them not to really want to come and visit when they're older. Of course, all that could happen even if you don't have a baby so ultimately it's your choice 🤷‍♀️

I realise that's all incredibly unhelpful 😂

Snoken · 20/04/2023 06:36

Doingmybest12 · 20/04/2023 06:28

How old are you if children are 19 and 15. What is the likelihood of complications or a child with additional needs ie sibling that might be dependent on them in the future. With children that age I wouldn't be starting again and I am always unsure about the I want to have children together with the new partner thing ,to cement the family or what ever. In your circumstances , children that old I think it is a no for me.

This is a good point. You having a child means that your existing children will most likely be left with a step-sibling who they will not have a close relationship with once you and your partner are gone. It’s not just about what your current children want, but your new child will also have to grow up feeling that their siblings doesn’t want them around and they will compare the relationships. This could lead to resentful current kids and a new kid who will grow up feeling like an outsider.

Terven · 20/04/2023 06:36

Deft it. The child will not be a blood relative and whatever your thoughts on this, going by their comments, will never be seen as a sibling by your existing children.

Doingmybest12 · 20/04/2023 06:37

tornmum101 · 20/04/2023 06:13

I wish I hadn't asked now, these answers have made me feel terrible, although I had noticed from previous threads that MN is very against blended families.

They're not jokey, but I also know if I said we weren't going to have a baby because of them they would say its up to us (well, the older one would)

they make comments such as

"I'll hate it (the sibling)"

"I hate babies"

"I'm not allowed a hamster but you're allowed a whole human?!"

My DW would be carrying the child. We are married but I was trying not to be outing. DC have a great relationship with DW and do count her as step-mum.

Show quote history

Why would you say you won't have a baby because of them? It would be because of your circumstances ie you are a parent to two older teens. It isn't the same thing .

Clymene · 20/04/2023 06:37

They have been through a lot of change but it sounds like you have a happy established home life now. Fertility treatment is difficult and consuming and babies are noisy and disruptive. They're probably also worried about losing their step mum's focus once she has her own child.

I can't see of any benefits to them. Can you? Because that's how teenagers think.

Terven · 20/04/2023 06:37

*Definitely not.

AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 20/04/2023 06:50

I was 15 and 17 when my two younger siblings came along and this wasn’t a new relationship, I was expected to do all the babysitting etc it was awful and to be totally honest yes they’re my siblings but I’ll never have the same relationship with them as I do with my other sibling who is only a few years younger than me

Delpi65 · 20/04/2023 06:51

The op has a wife of 5 years - this is not a new relationship

Weallgottachangesometime · 20/04/2023 06:56

Personally I think you need to have a proper talk with them to find out why they don’t want you to have another child.

maybe they just don’t like the idea of things changing, because if a baby enters the home the dynamic in the house will of course change.

However maybe there is something more to their concerns. Maybe they don’t think your relationship is stable enough, or are worried they’ll end up having to do some care for the baby etx (obviously I don’t know your circumstance so these are just theoretical).

While I don’t think they should get to dictate what you do, inevitably you have another child will impact them. If they have reasonable concerns it seems sensible to hear them out.

anon2022anon · 20/04/2023 06:56

I have a 15 year age gap between my 2 kids, if I had asked the eldest before getting pregnant the answer would have been to do what we want.

But having a baby is disruptive. I have regrets now about the fact it was GCSE year, and I was in no way as good a parent as I could have been. Would have been the same in a levels years. So hard for all involved, as a new baby takes up 95% of your time, energy and headspace.
They aren't close at all. They love each other, the little one would happily spend more time with the eldest, but in reality it's more like a niece relationship- will watch a film occasionally, pick up a cute top in the sales, enjoy buying a Christmas toy, but that's about it.
And in reality, you are a different parent now to what you were 19 years ago. There's some resentment on the eldests part that my life has changed in between, and they aren't growing up in the same environments, with the same lifestyles, or the same opportunities. She's got them now, but she didn't have them when she was 3.
Just trying to give you some honesty about the differences here, but that's not to say that I don't enjoy it- I do, and the little one brings much, much joy into our lives. She was a good decision for us as a family unit. But probably not the best decision for my eldest if taken in isolation.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/04/2023 07:04

Delpi65 · 20/04/2023 06:51

The op has a wife of 5 years - this is not a new relationship

I think when people are saying "new relationship" they just mean "not the original one".

drpet49 · 20/04/2023 07:09

Lovelyring · 19/04/2023 23:59

Whilst I don't think children get a choice in their parent's reproduction decisions, if my Mum had left my Dad for another woman and had other babies with a donor I'd have taken it badly. I suppose it depends on whether you think it would be worth the damage it could cause your relationship with them.

All of this. There wouldn’t be much of a sibling relationship with those ages either.

Soubriquet · 20/04/2023 07:14

If you and your wife genuinely want a child together, do it.

Your kids will eventually get over it. Especially as they are getting old enough to consider moving out.

LoobyLobbyLou · 20/04/2023 07:14

Don’t let the teenagers dictate to you.

I remained childless until I was in my 40s because my ex husband asked his two children if they wanted a half sibling and they said no. So I wasn’t allowed to have one. It still hurts that was end of decision. They will be off to uni and things soon, don’t discount it

Remaker · 20/04/2023 07:14

I would definitely take into account your age because a pregnancy now is going to be harder, with more chance of complications both for you and the baby. How would your family cope if you were hospitalised or on extended bed rest?or if the baby was premature and you were spending every day with them in the hospital?

These are the kinds of questions that convinced me not to have a 3rd child with my husband, and with a small age gap between the kids, because I was over 40. I didn’t feel it was fair to the kids we already had.

My DD16 has a friend whose parents have recently had a baby (with the same partner just a very large age gap). She’s not thrilled about it. She is stuck babysitting a lot instead of going out with their friends, she feels replaced by someone younger and cuter. She feels like she gets no time or attention and her parents are always tired and yelling at her for not ‘helping’ more. Why should a teenager become an unpaid nanny just because their parents decided to have another baby?

Talk to your kids about their concerns and be realistic about how you will juggle parenting a baby, a teenager and a young adult..

bluebird3 · 20/04/2023 07:16

Weatherwax13 · 20/04/2023 03:30

Your kids will soon be living their own lives. I would worry that you and DP will by then regret not having a DC if by then age is a factor against it. They'll be rightfully off doing as they please having put the kibosh on something that's not really going to affect them by then.
I know the horse has bolted but I do think you should consider how much power you're giving the kids in your life. Open and honest communication is obviously vital with teens but I do think there's a line and they shouldn't need to know about certain topics and given the opportunity of a veto.
It reminds me of these threads where posters swoon in horror at the idea of parents moving house when the kids have left for Uni as if the loss of a childhood bedroom will scar them for life.
You're allowed to have a life too. You can reassure them that they're not expected to be involved in care or financially impacted. And then I would keep further discussion between you and DP.

Agree with all of this

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/04/2023 07:16

OP can you really be arsed to go back into the newborn / toddler / primary school ages again after being free for so long?