Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

440 replies

SelfishH · 19/04/2023 22:09

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

OP posts:
WhiteBobbin · 19/04/2023 23:49

This will make yoi think about him in other areas and see what he does in a new light. That’s not a loving partner.

AnotherDelphinium · 19/04/2023 23:51

YANBU.

He’s an absolute arse. My partner struggles with condoms, was absolutely definite he didn’t want any more children so had a vasectomy.

It really is that simple. You’re sadly with a class 1 wanker (which, ironically, he will be until he realises the error in his ways).

Emptyandsad · 19/04/2023 23:53

Dotcheck · 19/04/2023 22:18

If you are 100% sure you don’t want more children even if you ended up in another relationship, would you consider getting your tubes tied?

And yes, your husband is being selfish

The OP has taken responsibility for contraception (at some personal cost) for a decade already. Furthermore, a vasectomy is a much less invasive procedure than having tubes tied. Time for her DH to step up

I get that he doesn't want to use condoms; I think they're horrible. So all the more reason for him to show how he wants to make her life easier and his life better. It's a simple, painless procedure and will give him security that he isn't relying on her to make the effort when he knows she's not committed to having no more children.

I've had it done myself. It's really not a big deal

Titusgroan · 19/04/2023 23:55

Completely unreasonable and selfish

Dont give in.
You’re not totally against another child anyway, he is.
So he can do something to stop it.

blueshoes · 19/04/2023 23:55

He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all!

Just say, DEAL!

SkyandSurf · 19/04/2023 23:56

He's being incredibly selfish.

I wouldn't want to have sex with a man like this anyway.

Buy yourself some great sex toys and let him solve the problem he's created.

whatsyourpoison13 · 19/04/2023 23:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was the work of a previously banned poster.

Stravaig · 19/04/2023 23:59

Tell your abusive man-child that it's obviously his choice; however you like sex, so if he won't have sex with you, then naturally you'll be looking to have sex with someone else, someone who IS happy to use a condom, have a vasectomy, or have a child.

Then start the paperwork which you're going to need someday anyway.

Thesharkradar · 19/04/2023 23:59

I won't have it used as a tool to bully me into doing what he wants
cool😎
he'll have been 100% cast iron certain that you'd back down & obey, do keep us posted😈
what a tool he is, he thought he could manipulate you when you are holding all the cards and he doesn't have a leg to stand on, not a prayer, you cant lose. He really does expect you to sacrifice your health & well being just for his convenience, that's quite upsetting really, but sadly not uncommon 😕

Thesharkradar · 20/04/2023 00:06

if he tries to raise the stakes by threatening to 'go elsewhere' then you can follow suit....after if he's justified in looking for a woman who'll accept his contraceptive choices then so are you in looking for a man who'll accept yours!
They do love to overplay the hand...don't they🙄

Meteormetro · 20/04/2023 00:14

I'm with you all the way.

I don't know how you'd find him attractive now though.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 20/04/2023 00:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was the work of a previously banned poster.

OP has tried before, it doesn't work for her.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 20/04/2023 00:21

Dotcheck · 19/04/2023 22:18

If you are 100% sure you don’t want more children even if you ended up in another relationship, would you consider getting your tubes tied?

And yes, your husband is being selfish

Why the f*ck should the op have her tubes tied! It isn't 100% her responsibility to go on contraception or have surgery so her selfish prick of husband can have sex without condoms and not risk a pregnancy. I tried several different contraceptive pills and the side effects were awful. Her husband should at the very least wear a condom if he's not willing to have the snip.

@SelfishH your husband is a selfish prick and after his comments he's basically saying its ok for doctors to poke around your bits and for you to suffer the side effects of contraception whilst he completely absolves himself of responsibility.

Tell your dh no sex for him he can make do with his hand you can bet he'll soon be complaining once he'a bored and should you get the urge well that's what Ann Summers is for 😉🤣🤣 but after his comments op I wouldn't do anything sexual for him again until he a) apologies and b) either wears a condom or gets the snip

DahliaMacNamara · 20/04/2023 00:23

Fine then, pal.
Abstinence it is, then.
FWIW, I took the pill for about ten years without any debilitating side effects, but it drained me of any spontaneous sex drive. As far as I was concerned I may as well have abstained from both sex and unnecessary hormones.

Youdoyoubabe · 20/04/2023 00:25

Thing is with the snip is that it seems to affect libido. Whether it be real or imagined it is a bit of a…. My work here is done scenario.

what about the Dutch cap. I always got onmwell with that.

LadyJ2023 · 20/04/2023 00:26

We were exact same boat. All the contraceptives were horrendous for me.So went to condoms which I won't lie it was me loath to try and turns out you can't even tell. So now hubby is happy and I'm happy no stupid hormones making me feel bad. Our convo at the time he was sick of seeing me so ill so said stop the contraceptives so I did and been fine ever since. If your other half can't see how ill you get or even care about that then make it clear abstinence then. I find it weird his attitude. We talk about everything and always meet in the middle.

Dotcheck · 20/04/2023 00:28

sillysmiles · 19/04/2023 23:01

God no. Why should she have more surgery because he's being an ass?

Show quote history

So she isn’t saddled with an unwanted pregnancy.

However, I DO think he is being an ass here

Otterock · 20/04/2023 00:29

I’m so angry on your behalf. I never got on with hormonal contraceptives and decided to not bother with them at all after I became single again in my early 20s, despite pressure from drs to try the implant and coil. Even when I dipped my toe back in a few times in my late 20s/early 30s just to take the pill to delay my period I had an awful time. Some women just don’t get on with it and I think it’s easy to underestimate how powerful hormones are and what a massive effect they can have. I completely dont blame you for not wanting to do that to yourself. Also if he’s the one who’s decided no more kids then he needs to take responsibility for his own reproductive health - snip or condoms are his only options and if he won’t do either then tough love!

Fraaahnces · 20/04/2023 00:29

Obviously the pill is out of the question if you get migraines. It increases your stroke risk exponentially. You’ll just have to stick to celibacy until he removes his head from his arsehole.

mathanxiety · 20/04/2023 00:32

Selfish isn't the word.

He's an utter bastard. You're nothing to him.

I'd be looking at splitting over this.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 20/04/2023 00:35

I'm glad to see so many people recognise that contraception isn't only the woman's responsibility and can have harmful effects if hormonal.

mathanxiety · 20/04/2023 00:36

Hillfarmer · 19/04/2023 22:34

He is being U. However, I don’t know if selfishness is the right word. It’s worse than that.

He seems to consider you as less than him - less valuable, less important and consequently your pain, your inconvenience and your suffering with an unpredictable, unpleasant medication is not a concern for him. He is displaying shocking double standards - one standard for you and another for him.

If he - being so much more valuable and important - were to be inconvenienced by (shock horror) having to use condoms, then his ‘suffering’ is worse than yours. This maths only works if you are worth less.

How on earth can he minimise what you have gone through to the extent that he wants you to go through it again? My question is what sort of person would demand that of someone they love? This unreasonable behaviour would make me question the foundations of our relationship, so it’s no surprise that you are outraged by it. That’s healthy, keep hold of your outrage.

You put it much better than me.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 20/04/2023 00:41

He sounds like an uneducated ass (to do with the pill, contraception) and is being utterly utterly selfish. He sounds like an asshole.

Stick to your guns OP and seen how long he lasts 💪🏻💐

Emptyandsad · 20/04/2023 00:49

Dotcheck · 20/04/2023 00:28

So she isn’t saddled with an unwanted pregnancy.

However, I DO think he is being an ass here

Show quote history

But it wouldn't be unwanted from her point of view. She would like another child, which is even more reason for him to take responsibility. It's he who is against having another child but he wants her to adversely affect her health or have an operation to secure his favoured outcome which is great sex for him with no consequences

Selfish arse. Doesn't sound as if he cares for her very much

Phoebo · 20/04/2023 00:59

That's great then, no sex for him 😀