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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

440 replies

SelfishH · 19/04/2023 22:09

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 19/04/2023 22:43

Selfish prick

Seas164 · 19/04/2023 22:44

That would slam my knees shut so firmly and permanently that contraceptives would be unnecessary.

NotStayingIn · 19/04/2023 22:45

If he's being such a selfish dick who doesn't give a shit about your wellbeing you might as well meet someone much lovelier and have that second child. And he can wank into a sock for the rest of his life. (Although he'll probably embrace condoms again pretty sharpishly when he's left dating again, bless him.)

Caramc20 · 19/04/2023 22:45

If he’s a typical bloke you won’t have long to wait until he reconsiders.

If he is genuinely happy to go without sex for the rest of your marriage then you have serious issues.

He sounds very immature.

romany4 · 19/04/2023 22:48

Your husband is a selfish dick..literally

My DH had the snip at 28 after our 2nd child was born.
Contraception made me ill so he stepped up.

Mochinated · 19/04/2023 22:48

It's a bit shocking that he's being such a twat about it. He's had it lucky since you were taking contraception for so long. But the reality is that it's a shared responsibility and up til now he's not taken any responsibility at all. His turn to be responsible.

Is he a twat about other responsibilities? Does he see you as an equal partner, or does he see you as a wifey unit which is malfunctioning because no longer doing what he wants?

Foxglove22 · 19/04/2023 22:49

His attitude shows complete contempt for you as a person - he doesn't give a monkey's about your health - I don't know whether I could stand being with someone who showed me such disrespect I'm afraid.

ClaraBourne · 19/04/2023 22:50

YANBU. End the discussion with him. You aren't moving your position. Grey rock him - no more discussion, no more sex.

Ruth98 · 19/04/2023 22:50

Urgh I HATE the pill. It leaves me with all sorts of horrible side effects. I hate all forms of hormonal contraceptive and informed my husband just this week thats it for me and that it's his turn now. He says he will have the snip if I book it...done deal. I think your husband is being very unreasonable.

HollaHolla · 19/04/2023 22:50

I’m sorry to ask this, but why are you with this charmer?

MissConductUS · 19/04/2023 22:52

I can't tolerate hormonal BC, either. When we had our second and final child, it came down to me having my tubes tied or him having the snip. When I explained to DH that his getting a vasectomy was a much easier procedure than me having a tubal ligation, he said he'd book his vasectomy.

That's what a reasonable man would do.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/04/2023 22:53

Loads of women take hormonal contraception without any issues? I'd be asking him who the fuck he has been having in depth conversations with about their sex lives.

I had migraines for years that the doctors insisted were not related to any form of hormonal contraception that I tried. I even went on the mirena because the hormones are 'negligible' and ended up off work ill with it. It only clicked it may have been that when I came off contraception to get pregnant. Point him to the class action mirena groups for the millions of women who do have issues.

Anyway...who'd want to sleep with someone with such skewed logic anyway. Sex with a condom is 'not the same'...but complete abstinence is...better?

Ruth98 · 19/04/2023 22:53

PermanentTemporary · 19/04/2023 22:31

'Every other woman gets on fine with it'

And men wonder why their sex lives die.

Such a stupid and easily disproved statement. Is the pill in general a huge boon to women? Yes I believe it is. Do huge numbers of us have issues with it? Why yes, yes we do.

I didn't actually realise until I stopped taking hormonal contraception, but it pretty much kills my libido - the minipill being the worst in that regard but the combined pill not great either. But hey, who cares? I was sexually available to my partners so what the fuck would my sexual satisfaction matter?

I think the response to him is 'every MAN gets on fine with the pill' tbh.

Yes and this. Kills my libido to the point where the actual pill is redundant anyway!

GobbieMaggie · 19/04/2023 22:53

SelfishH · 19/04/2023 22:22

He knows this. Which is why he's now saying he won't have sex with me then. Which is fine. But I know he's only saying that in the hope I'll go 'oh no whatever will I do' and rush to make a GP appointment for the pill. Like withholding it to get what he wants.

What he's not bet on is that I don't give a shit. He will want sex far sooner than me. So if he wants to play that game 🤷‍♀️

I like sex don't get me wrong but I won't have it used as a tool to bully me into doing what he wants. No way. Looks like we ain't having sex then!

Show quote history

Then you have a relationship on the down escalator which you seem to be OK with. Not much more that can be said really. Hopefully you can co parent more successfully.

thequeenoftarts · 19/04/2023 22:54

SelfishH · 19/04/2023 22:17

He actually tried to sit there and mansplain the pill to me. ME. The woman who's taken it for over a decade being masplained to by a bloke who wouldn't even know what one looked like. I'm so angry.

He didn't believe me when I said I would bet my house that the vast majority of women who take contraception have some story or another about side effects. He guffawed that 'every other woman gets on fine with it'. Bloody idiot.

Well if that is his reasoning, then yours must be "so do all the other men in the world, who have had their bits fiddled with dh"

Really didn't think that argument through did he lol

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/04/2023 22:56

The thing is that if you to split up, and he was on the dating apps, he'd be happy using condoms every single time.

I agree with you. He is very very selfish.

Blinkingheckythump · 19/04/2023 22:56

So his plan was to put you off ever having sex with him again so contraceptives aren't an issue? !

Kitcaterpillar · 19/04/2023 22:57

Congrats on your imminent second child, I guess?

whynotwhatknot · 19/04/2023 22:57

Is he like this with other things on your marriage

what a twat how dare he even know what taking the pills is like

Invisibleeye · 19/04/2023 22:57

I recently had to have a copper coil fitted as the NHS waiting list for vasectomies is closed locally (this is definitely true as I was in the GP appointment with my fiancé when he was told this!), I can’t deal with hormonal contraceptives having tried many pre-baby and neither of us trust condoms after several breakages in the past. I was absolutely livid the local health board has chosen to push this back onto women. Your husband is indeed staggeringly selfish and, if he doesn’t even have a constructive conversation about this with you any time soon, I would be considering my options regarding your marriage to be perfectly honest with you. He is perfectly entitled to not have the procedure if he doesn’t want to (his body after all) but he doesn’t get to dictate what you do with your body either! His behaviour makes me think of a moody teenager having a sulk… very unattractive! He needs to, at the very least, discuss this rationally and come to a conclusion with you as his bullying is unacceptable (I would make sure he knows it’s bullying too!) His choices are: abstinence, condoms, vasectomy or (at least one!) baby.

Devonshiregal · 19/04/2023 22:58

your husband is raising a child already and quite honestly I despair. This is the example your child is going to have as to how men should treat women??! And you’d want another one with him?

HelloDaisy · 19/04/2023 22:58

Your dh is either an arse or he’s scared…

I couldn’t face going back on the pill after dc as coming off was so rough. We had our dc and decided that was it so dh booked in for a vasectomy. Its an easy op with only a few days off work.

DaaamnYoullDo · 19/04/2023 22:58

10 minutes? I wouldn't bother shagging him anyway.
I've been with a bloke like him, and now I'm with the complete opposite kind of man. A man that thinks contraception is a woman sole responsibility isn't worth the time.

I wouldn't trust him now even if he did back down. There's nothing stopping him lying about getting the snip or taking a condom off midway through, he's shown you how much he respects you.

FloatingRodger · 19/04/2023 23:00

He doesn't want anyone fiddling with his bits, anyway, so problem solved!

BadNomad · 19/04/2023 23:00

😂I can just imagine him thinking "Ha! Checkmate!" when he informed you he shall no longer be having sex with you while you're being like this. Muppet.

He's a dick. I can understand him not wanting the major life-threatening surgery that is a vasectomy. But to refuse to use condoms because they're not as fun is just ridiculous.