To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

[SelfishH]

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

Oh, and I never went on the pill because of all the side effects my friends had. He's deluded. I've used condoms with my DH for almost 15 years.

He'd turn my ovaries purple with the way he gets on. Yuk. How could you even shag him anyway with his mansplaining.

if it’s any consolation - similar situation here. Hubby won’t snip, I can’t take hormones, therefore if we end up with a third (which he doesn’t want) so be it! I won’t be going through a serious op for what would be ‘sore balls for a day or two’ for him. It is beyond selfish, we've birthed them children, our bodies get put through Hell, it’s the very least that the decent men do (I know a few who have for this reason).
I should say DH is not bad guy, but the metaphorical thought of his balls getting cut off is too much, hope a 3rd isn’t too much mate ….

Absolutely. I would take the exact same approach as you! You were on the fence about the 2nd baby, it’s mainly his decision so if he actively wants to prevent this then he needs to take action. Stick to your guns. He can’t be top dog all the time.

Yep. He's being a selfish arse.
I cannot take any form of hormonal contraception for very similar reasons.
I am happy to give your DH a very clear rundown of what happens to me when I do!

Your husband is an absolute arsehole and your marriage is in very serious trouble. Fuck him. He's a pig.

Oh no didn't you know? You just have to take a pill.

I'm with you on this, it should be a joint decision and effort.

My ex was abusive in many ways but even he adhered by my insistence on condoms for 10 years after a bad experience with depo.

Does he have any redeeming qualities at all? Because honestly trying to manipulate me into doing something with my body I didn't want to do would be divorce worthy for me. But then I married a man who respects me so...

Nothing useful to add, but wanted to say, I like your moxie OP. Stick to your guns!

Or rather don't fuck him, he's a pig! 😂

'Every other woman gets on fine with it'

And men wonder why their sex lives die.

Such a stupid and easily disproved statement. Is the pill in general a huge boon to women? Yes I believe it is. Do huge numbers of us have issues with it? Why yes, yes we do.

I didn't actually realise until I stopped taking hormonal contraception, but it pretty much kills my libido - the minipill being the worst in that regard but the combined pill not great either. But hey, who cares? I was sexually available to my partners so what the fuck would my sexual satisfaction matter?

I think the response to him is 'every MAN gets on fine with the pill' tbh.

100% sympathy with you here. What a baby he is.

What a twat. I wouldn’t be bullied into taking the pill, I did my decades on it and after our first baby I didn’t fancy going back on it. I also wouldn’t be happy in a sexless marriage so I’d be seriously considering my options for my future.

We’re both happy with condoms, there are so many to choose from, and DH is booked in for a vasectomy in a few months. Entirely his choice. He strongly feels it’s his turn after the 2 complicated c sections and other baby related surgeries I’ve gone through for our family.

Sorry yours is so selfish, you deserve better.

'every MAN gets on fine with the pill'

Exactly

Oh where to begin.

Does he want to know about the excessive constant bleeding? Or the horrendous mood swings? Or the night sweats that are so bad that the sheets need to be washed 3 x a week? Or the darkest hole of depression that reduced me from being "normal" to not being able to function whatsoever?

Fuck him. Go treat yourself to some love honey and have a great time without him!

He is being U. However, I don’t know if selfishness is the right word. It’s worse than that.

He seems to consider you as less than him - less valuable, less important and consequently your pain, your inconvenience and your suffering with an unpredictable, unpleasant medication is not a concern for him. He is displaying shocking double standards - one standard for you and another for him.

If he - being so much more valuable and important - were to be inconvenienced by (shock horror) having to use condoms, then his ‘suffering’ is worse than yours. This maths only works if you are worth less.

How on earth can he minimise what you have gone through to the extent that he wants you to go through it again? My question is what sort of person would demand that of someone they love? This unreasonable behaviour would make me question the foundations of our relationship, so it’s no surprise that you are outraged by it. That’s healthy, keep hold of your outrage.

I know loaaaads of men who have had the snip. Try telling him that “most men aren’t frightened of having the snip, hasn’t he heard?”

i would also be furious with him in your shoes

Abstinence then, and buy a sex toy to keep yourself busy meantime!

I know a teenage girl who suffered a stroke from being on the pill. Since hearing that I absolutely refused to go on contraception. I would not consider getting my tubes tied due to it being a much bigger procedure than the snip. I told hubby there's no way I'd have sex until he gets the snip and if he doesn't want to then we can abstain. Lasted 5 months and he finally booked himself in. Procedure was so straight forward, 15 mins in and out and he went to work the next day! That vs open surgery and a couple days in hospital for a woman to have her tubes tied. Men suck so much

Man's an arse, buy a bloody expensive vibrator. On the housekeeping.

Oh dear what a selfish prick.
I agree with other posters.
Tell him you will be using dildos to reach orgasm from now on. Explain that you are not using contraception. You wouldn’t mind another child so if you do get pregnant you will be keeping the baby. If HE doesn’t want another child then it’s 100% due. To him to sort out his own contraception then leave it at that.
Quite frankly if I were married to him this would probably make me far more open to having an affair, and I don’t say that lightly. If it drives you into the arms of another man then I think this is 100% on your dick head of a h.

I'm aware this is probably an unfair opinion (not all men and all that jazz) but I think a green flag for a decent man is one who gets the snip once they've decided to call time on having kids.

My DH doesn't fancy the snip but has happily used condoms for over a decade which I'm fine with.

Seriously, how can you even want to have sex with him ever again after this? It shows a complete and total disregard for your wants, needs and health. Horrible.

well he’s inadvertently solved the contraception issue hasn’t he?!?