To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

[SelfishH]

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

@SelfishH

He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway

Ignorant, selfish mansplainer, idiot has really shot himself in the foot hasn't he? That's one less chore to do... 🌹

I've had issues with every contraception. The injection was the only one that was not as bad (still not seamless)

Tell him he can wait until the male pill comes out. What an arse 🙄

Eew. This is so unattractive. If my dh said this I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship. His lack of interest in your bodily wellbeing is awful OP.

YANBU he is being v selfish, tell him to grow up and have the snip

Women on the pill are THREE TIMES more likely to commit suicide, it makes you more likely to have cancer, significantly more likely to have a stroke, and the mini pill makes you 2x more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.

Read the book "everything changes on the pill" or just throw these facts at him.

They even cancelled the male pill because the side effects were so bad (newsflash they were exactly the same side effects as the female pill) and the female pill wouldn't get approval now, as it's so damaging... But it was approved decades ago when drug restrictions were way more lax

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but I hate the pill 😅

I wouldn't feel like sex with someone with his attitude anyway, so that's contraception right there.

I can't use hormonal birth control. My husband acted like a decent man. He happily used condoms until we'd had all our kids, then had a vasectomy. Team effort.

He is being unbelievably selfish and completely misogynistic.

The combination of all of this is truly awful. He seems to want to make decisions for you, your life and your body that suit his wants, without a care for any negative impact it may have on you.

Did he watch The Handmaid’s Tale and think it was an instructional video?!

I would be inclined to point out that the last decision re. children was that you both wanted a child. And in achieving that goal, you were the one who had to put your body through untold amounts of pain, discomfort, sacrifice and exposure. He doesn’t want anyone fiddling with his bits?! You’ll have had what felt like a cast of thousands staring at and in your bits - time and again - so that you could both have a child.

You have more than done your bit in the big picture of “having one child”.

So, fair is fair. You did all the heavy lifting when it comes to having the one child you both wanted. It’s his turn now - even if this was a fully joint decision, it would still be his turn.

and maybe I’m wrong but I can’t help but think that if he can be so selfish and so dismissive of your feelings and health in this case, he was probably not the most supportive partner when you were going through pregnancy and the birth of your child. And that you’re more than likely left doing most of the heavy lifting in parenting as well. As I say, that may not be fair. But his behaviour here does suggest that’s likely.

I’m sorry you even feel the need to question this. You are definitely not being unreasonable

Isn't there a pill for men these days?
Suggest that to him and see how he likes the idea!

If there was the birth rate would plummet, drastically!.

I told hubby there's no way I'd have sex until he gets the snip and if he doesn't want to then we can abstain.

This would be my attitude as well. I wouldn’t trust condoms for birth control when with a man who has made it clear he doesn’t want another child. They’re not reliable enough.

But for me, I think this might be a dealbreaker, especially if I’d like another child.

Do you think he has a problem with the idea of having a vasectomy because of some pre conceived ideas of what it will do to his manhood?

We looked into this years ago and heard a lot of horror stories, but found a clinic in NSW Aussie that does an alternative method. DH was cutting firewood later that day with just a small plaster on the incision area.

I seem to recall it had something to do with chinese? Maybe they do it differently but it was undertaken at a family planning clinic. Might be worth looking at the options of what is available to get him over the hurdle of potential side affects.

Even we were told to avoid general surgeons because they leave the operations to the end of the day and are tired... (example of what he might have been told).

My DH would agree that having sex with a condom ''isn't the same'' for what that is worth...

In the meanwhile your DH needs to be brought up to speed that many women are unable to take the pill. I was on a mini pill from my mid twenties into earlyish 30's and suffered a blood clot stroke when I was 34 and had given it up 3 months prior (with DH having the procedure).

In my hospital room were other Ladies all the same as me (although the stroke affected us all differently). I take cartia now to thin my blood, however with the nurses all they said it was common knowledge that the Pill is to blame.

You are definately not unresonable. I have never taken hormonal birth control by choice. Your husbands behaviour is such a turn off.

I had the exact same situation with DH except he folded adn got the snip.

If your DH won't fold, I'd buy a very fancy adn expensive vibrator and wait to see which comes first; you leave, he leave, he folds.

But I wouldn't be putting anything in my body which made me ill to facilitate his best-case shag.

@SelfishH Ask him how he envisages you get your needs met. With your next husband who is fine with condoms perhaps?

In all seriousness, you've reached a stalemate for now. Focus on making yourself happy in whatever way you can (pampering yourself, new toys, drinks/dinner with friends, etc.), when he realises he's not bothered you as much as he thought he would, maybe he'll think twice and do so quickly.

Although, this sounds like a form of control to get what he wants sexually which would have me running for a divorce if I'm honest. I've put up with a lot with my DH but if he was like this, that would be it.

Don’t condoms have quite a high failure rate?

Are you OK with having an early abortion if you were to have an “oops” when using condoms?

No they are not, if used properly. Vasectomy, however, does carry the risk of PVPS , frequently untreatable.

I 'just' took the pill (marvelon). I 'just' had a pulmonary embolism in my early 30s.
If he needs anecdata about how it isn't problem free for all women, there's some. The side effects can literally kill women. It's rare, but it happens.
Keep your legs crossed and your resolve strong, OP!

All of this!

He's a complete misogynist.

How dare he tell you that you should have to suffer because he won't get a vasectomy or refuses to wear condoms.
Arsehole.

He sounds so awful I can't imagine you'll need contraceptionvhis repellent personality should do the trick alone.

Yes, he is being totally unreasonable.

When I took the pill (Dianette) it removed my libido and made me depression. A naturopath I know calls the pill "chemical castration for women" because it switches off our hormones. That has serious side effects on our health, affecting bones later in life.

https://reset.me/story/the-pill-is-bad-medicine-7-ways-hormonal-contraception-harms-women/

*made me depressed

No. Since she wants a baby.

So his choice is condoms and maybe baby. Or vasectomy and no baby. So great for him to have such a choice.

I never got on with the pill. It seemed to work for a while them make me feel crazy or make me blled twice to 3 times a month. In the end I used the copper coil. But if that didn't work too we would use condoms. Dh wasn't happy at first but he doesn't want a vasectomy. So it was agreed condoms where tha back up choice. Some men are just dicks

I have similar issues to you OP. I eventually tried the Mini Pill - and I fell pregnant with twins. Hormonal contraception either fails or causes potentially dangerous side effects.

I don’t personally like condoms - they feel completely different so I understand your DH’s reluctance.

Im similar to you in that I would have been quite happy with another child but accepted that my DP was probably being more realistic in saying no more. He was adamant.

We had a conversation and decided that I’d try the coil. If it hadn’t gone well then a vasectomy would have been on the cards. We decided to try the coil because the procedure is simpler and way less invasive than a vasectomy, and easy enough to reverse if it didn’t suit me. But he didn’t insist and we made the decision together.

I don’t think your DH is BU to suggest the coil, and bluntly refusing to consider it does make you sound a bit unreasonable. However I suspect it’s his attitude towards the subject that’s made you feel so bloody-minded rather than the actual coil itself. If my DP was trying to blackmail me into doing what he wanted I think I would have dug my heels in too.

I can understand the reluctance to have a vasectomy but then he needs to consider condoms if you don’t want to budge on the issue of a coil.

Either way, he needs to educate himself on what hormonal contraception actually does to women’s bodies.

I am going to expand on my previous statement and say that celibacy WITH HIM is the only way forward. Should you happen to meet a lovely man who is evolved enough and caring enough to have a vasectomy, I would suggest that perhaps sex without resentment might be a hell of a lot more enjoyable.