To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

[SelfishH]

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

He's painted himself into a corner, the only way that he can get his own way is if he manages to force the op to use hormonal contraception
if this was me I think I would be willing to have sex but he won't be able to go ahead with it because a pregnancy might result.
He has put himself in a lose-loose situation, what a shit strategist he is 🤣🤣🤣
He really did believe that the op would obey him 🤣🤣🤣

Well even easier than that, is a condom, but Mr Big Baby doesn’t want that either.

Well he doesn't want his bits fiddling with so he'll be sorting all his needs out. I wouldn't be taking my temp and tracking from now on either!!

He can satisfy you without his dick being involved or you can sort yourself out.

That made me laugh .. .. here's an offer the OP can't refuse and I bet RedRobin would be far more considerate than her DH seems to be.

Yes OP he's been mind bendingly selfish. Why should you use contraception that makes you unwell when there are other options? Abstain for a while and see if he comes round.

Surely OP doesn't need to abstain?
If she has sex with him she gets what she wants, she gets sex and possibly another baby which is what she wants🤷
He can't win and she can't lose 🌞

I really shouldn't laugh at his own goal but I do wonder if there's something else. Most men won't voluntarily vote to no sex so is he trying to convince himself that you are killing the marriage, not him. I wonder if he's sniffing around.

If your marriage is usually good then ignore me. Hes just stupid and I bet it will take him a month of self service before he gets bored of doing that.

Haven't read the whole thread but I'm guessing that he's talked to other men whose wolves/girlfriends take the pill and have told him that it's fine. I can just imagine it as my dh works in a male dominated environment and on a few occasions his work colleagues have chimed in with unwanted opinions. (For example, we don't really celebrate valentines day, and when DH mentioned this apparently there was uproar, as he is missing out on an opportunity to see me in sexy lingere, and I must be secretly upset with no valentines present 😑)

If you're the one that wouldn't mind another baby, he needs to be the one making sure contraception is 100% in my opinion.

They aren't excuses and the difference is all the options OP has involve long term commitment and side effects whereas condoms don't have either!

But I agree that until he sorts himself out abstinence is the best option! Tbh the fact you're so happy to give it up suggests hes no great shakes in the sack anyway!

But she's not the one that doesn't want another child. He is, so it's up to him to go through his simple procedure

@HolyMolyGuacamole222 wolves/girlfriends wins best post of the thread so far.

Stand firm, OP. Your husband is a selfish POS. My husband was the one to suggest he get the snip after we'd had DD2 because I'd been taking care of contraception thus far.

Best solution here. If he doesn't want, he has to deal with it. You've already done your time/bit.

What a horrible little man.
I'm in the same boat as you. We're done and most forms of contraception give me headaches or pains in my arms and legs. DH is getting the snip this year. Until then condoms. If your DH doesn't want the snip, then he can at least use condoms

Serious question - does this not kill your love for him somewhat? It’s so depressing.

Yes he is totally selfish. Sounds like a prize idiot aswell.

I've always used the pill and had no problems but I have countless friends who have had issues with it. And that's just women I know....

@Truestorypeeps

Have you ever heard of wifework?

Yep.
And yes he’s being a selfish mansplaining arse. He’s not making the slightest bit of sense either. Sex using condoms is “not the same” so he’d rather not have sex at all?
He’s hoping you’ll cave, take the pill, and suffer the side effects because it doesn’t affect him. Good on you for not giving in. Though tbh him being such a selfish mansplaining arse would kill any attraction I had for him anyway.

@Truestorypeeps Yup, that's exactly right. I'm not denying that it's a bit silly (I even said that in my post). But I am 100% done on dealing with ANYTHING to do with contraception. I'd rather never have sex again that spend even 5 seconds doing it or thinking about it or preparing for it. And quite frankly, in light of the fact that DH was so horrified at any suggestion that he should have the snip, I am quite happy to ensure that 100% of the consequences of that decision are on him.

Over the last 15 years I have slowly but surely reduced the "wifework" I do, and I'm much happier for it. This is just another piece of that.

I hadn't, so just Googled it. It's not a concept I'm familiar with because in my house labour is definitely shared. I, the male, do all the shopping and cooking as I enjoy it and it's a break from the little darlings. I definitely do half the washing and cleaning. I sort the broadband, car insurance and tax, servicing, switch utility providers annually etc. so I think it has more to do with if you marry a decent, hard working sort, or a lazy, sexist pig.

Careful there@Truestorypeeps, it’s sounding a lot like you think the existence of “wifework” is the fault of women for marrying lazy, sexist gits rather than the lazy, sexist gits themselves.

Indeed

I think he'll cave on Tuesday. He'll get through the weekend with a wank or two but then he'll realise that's his life now and sit you down for another chat about the wonders of the pill. It obviously didn't sink in the first time, what with you being a silly woman.

I, the male, do all the shopping and cooking as I enjoy it and it's a break from the little darlings

Do you do the washing up too? Because otherwise, I think you've slipped into the trap of feeling virtuous for preparing gorgeous meals for your family when actually, it's a pleasurable task for you after which you get to absent yourself from the less fun bits!

This rings true. I don't think he's going to "cave" and use condoms. he's either going to get more and more angry that OP won't do what he wants or he's going to agree to use condoms while complaining loudly and vociferously.

Abstinence then...see how he likes it...the absolute nerve...

Best put forward a variation to Mr Bennett in Pride & Prejudice. You have two choices, either we have no sex because you want me to be on the pill, and I don't or we have no sex because I'm on the pill and will not want sex (b.c. pills tend to decrease libido, at its highest at ovulation for obvious reason, which is now surpressed).