To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

[SelfishH]

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

OP I can feel your anger through your posts. It’s absolutely palpable. Keep hold of that when he’s being a stubborn misogynistic fuckface. Bloody good for you!
Hormonal contraception has always been crap for me. Never found something that didn’t give me a million side effects. My mum was the same and my 18 year old daughter looks like she will follow suit. Sorry, why should we have hormones pumped into us that make us bleed or spot for months on end? Why should we get acne and not just on our faces but often other parts of our body affecting our already flimsy self esteem? Why should our boobs constantly ache, or migraines persist. Why should we put up with depression, increased risks of strokes or cancer just because that tiny veil of latex might numb things a teensy tiny bit. No. Fucking. Way.
My mum had to go through the hassle of getting herself sterilised when they decided no more children. I’m 39 now and I was about 12 at the time. I still remember my mum laying on the sofa post op looking like she’d been hit by a truck. My dad did his usual useless attempt at looking after her. I found out years later she had to go through that because he was too much of a wimp for anyone to touch his balls. I lost a lot of respect for him after that.
Luckily for me I married a man who took the decision to get the snip because “you carried the babies now it’s my turn to step up”. He’s a fucking champ.
I had to laugh at your husbands “WELL NO MORE SEX FOR YOU THEN MISSY!” threat. Like he expects you to whip your knickers off, fall back on the bed legs akimbo and declare how wrong you was and you submit to his manly manliness because you know, men and that.
I don’t think they realise that as much as we can enjoy having sex with them, have a healthy fulfilling sex life it’s not the be all and end all to life. Sometimes we just would really rather not. Like you say he will cave before you do. At that time, hopefully he will be more obliging to have an adult conversation!

I told my DH to think if his stubbornness was worth the price of our marriage. It was a close call.
He has form for being stubborn, but is now at least aware. He gets a cooling off period and can now seem to compromise. It’s only take 25 years!

Cool. I don't want my tubes tied.

Is this the new cancel the cheque? 😂

I don't want advice on contraception thank you.

Giving something that doesn't cost you anything and that you don’t mind `doing isn’t really being selfless. Like a multi millionaire who gives £10,000 to charity and puts a feature all about it on his company webpage . Great publicity and tax relief of course.

Meanwhile some windowed pensioner gives £10 a month from her pension or gives up her time to volunteer every week for years.

Is he really more selfless than her?

And on the subject of the coil... Really why should I have someone 'fiddle with my bits' so that he doesn't have to? It's not about the literal contraception itself, it's about the hypocrisy and minimising.

He is being incredibly selfish op. I can't take the pill or anything hormonal due to horrid side effects. But even if you were the only woman in the world to have these side effects, you shouldn't be made to take it just because 'it's only a pill'

The double standards is eye watering.

As you said, abstain from sex and hopefully he'll realise it impacts him and he'll do something about it. But tbh it still doesn't take away from the fact you appear to be married to a selfish arse

And he doesn't want a vasectomy. You're at a bit of an impasse unless one of you twitches. You think he's selfish, he thinks you're stubborn. This could go on for years, or until you are pregnant or divorced.

Despite OP rejecting responses that don’t agree with her, coils can be taken out in 10 minutes whereas the snip cost thousands to reverse and is more invasive. It involves actually using a scalpel. Coil goes in existing hole, so to speak.

@angela99999 and @orangegato you are both missing the point that op is pissed off that her H is being completely dismissive about her concerns around taking contraceptives. Her H doesnt need to go to the extreme of a vasectomy he could just wear condoms but is refusing even this

The pill is a scandal imo. Filling women full of hormones which can have side effects ranging from “none” to “death by stroke”. Side effects include loss of libido, mood issues, feeling crap, weight gain, skin problems……..

I don’t know why it’s even legal - if you think about it from first principles, rather than the status quo.

Yanbu op. Really annoying that people are suggesting contraception methods to you when you've already said you don't want to hear about it.

There's a simple solution here, condoms.

Never heard such a fuss about them.

We are 99% certain no more dc, I can't be arsed with hormonal contraception or the coil. Don't give a stuff what others do but I don't want to know about it at my age.

Dh nervy about the snip which I understand, I'm not going to get my tubes tied because I'm just not and I don't need to explain myself.

We use condoms. You can buy a years supply online delivered in discreet packing. They are fine. You soon get used to it, dh never once complained.

YABVVVVVU to have sex with this misogynist arsehole whether he wears a condom or not.

Absolutely this. It's not that he doesn't want a vasectomy, it's that he expects OP to continue to "fiddle with her bits" so that he doesn't have to. And rather than option where noone's "bits" have to be fiddled with - ie condoms - he's trying to blackmail her into no sex.

You've obviously never tried getting a coil taken out when the NHS doesn't want to or is too busy.

even my private obstetrician's advice was that removing the coil isn't something I can just do on a whim so he wouldn't recommend it as a first choice.

You BOTH need condoms so you can enjoy sex TOGETHER, yet you'll deliberately not buy them even when you know you need them and they are right there in front of you :-/ no words

Why are people overlooking the fact that this man won't use condoms?

Condoms are a compromise. Non invasive for both people, there are no side effects. If there's one thing more off putting than a condom it's a man who won't take any responsibility.

Hmm if only there were something we could use that involved neither of us having to sterilise ourselves when we don't want to. Something that can easily be put on and taken off again after sex that doesn't mean living daily with horrible side effects for me 🤔 hmmm... If only.

And YY to this. I had to pester like I've never pestered before to get them to even consider taking my implant out. It was absolutely hideous. I very very nearly tried to remove it myself after reading up online about other women who'd considered and even done just that due to the NHS refusing or 'not having any appointments'.

The only reason they did in the end was because I pretended we were trying to conceive. Funnily they managed to fit me in pretty quickly when they heard that.

Yes, a nice loud one!🤣

I decided last year to stop with contraception. I have had over 20 years of hormonal input from implants/pills etc etc and I decided it was enough. As I got older, I was bleeding/spotting brown sludge almost constantly. I felt dirty (literally, not figuratively) all the time because of it.
I 100% do NOT WANT another child. But I STILL didn't want to take hormonal contraceptives.
So the choice was condoms or vasectomy for my partner.
He 100% didn't want another child either.
So he had a choice.
He got the snip.
We'd only been together a year.
I agree with you OP, you've done your share of the contraception, you've had enough, and it's his turn now. Snip or condoms, his choice.
If he then gave me the option of abstaining altogether as the only alternative, I would literally buy myself a chastity belt and throw away the key. He's being a controlling arse.

"He guffawed that 'every other woman gets on fine with it'"

"He guffawed that 'every other woman gets on fine with it'"

Excellent, he can fuck one of those women then.

(Sorry, post formatting fail earlier.)

some Of these replies are mental 🤣🤣🤣 HE doesn’t want another baby HE’S responsible for that. 🤦🏻‍♀️

A vasectomy is a teeny tiny procedure compared to getting tubes tied and besides what if OP decides her desire to have another child overrides her want to be with him one day, what then?

He’s the one 100% sure so he needs to take care of it. I’m so sick of the onus of contraception being on the woman.

And the thing I find so frustrating about the whole 'well he doesn't want the snip just like you don't want your tubes tied so what's the difference' argument is that it's him who's adamant no more children. He knows I probably would if he wasn't so against it. So why the hell would I, someone who's happy to have more children, even consider permanently sterilising myself so that he doesn't have to have someone mess with his balls for 15mins. HE doesn't want more children. To me that isn't an us problem. It's a him problem in the sense that he should then take on the responsibility of either wearing condoms or having the snip.