To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

[SelfishH]

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

@SelfishH the internalised misogyny of some of the posters on here makes me feel sick. You’re so, so not unreasonable.

Just to add to the chorus of voices:

1. You are 100% in the right and he is 100% in the wrong.

2. I had a horrendous time on the pill - weight gain, high blood pressure, risk of blood clots, low libido, etc. I came off it 20 years ago and have never ever been tempted to go back.

3. I love your righteous anger and agree with every word you've written on this thread. If you find yourself getting sexually frustrated, you could always allow him to do stuff to you. Just don't reciprocate. I mean he doesn't want anyone messing around with his bits, does he?

I mean he doesn't want anyone messing around with his bits, does he?

Haha I was thinking this last night. Doesn't seem to be a problem when it's something to benefit him!

Can we start a sweepstake on how long it takes before he reconsiders his anti-condom stance? I’m going for Saturday.

Place your bets 😁

Why are people overlooking the fact that this man won't use condoms?

Condoms are a compromise. Non invasive for both people, there are no side effects. If there's one thing more off putting than a condom it's a man who won't take any responsibility.

This! Got to love the fact that he thinks no sex is better for him than a mild reduction in sensitivity. I also think all those who are saying OP could try this or that or that she is being equally stubborn seems to have missed the part where she has been the sole 'provider' of protection for years. She.has.done.her.part. and it really fu*ked her about. Honestly when do you think he should take a turn or should it always be her responsibility?
@SelfishH I was on the pill for years with my dh. I then stopped when we had our 3rd and for a while after due to a brief medical reason and that extra break, after the hormones had settled with dc3, showed me how bad the pill had been for me. The headaches I assumed were tiredness, the depressive spells I assumed were just part of who I was, the bad skin, all went and it was like a huge weight had been lifted. I was properly happy for the first time in ages. I told my dh then that I wouldn't be going back on them, I couldn't do it anymore and he was fine with that because I'd done my bit for our family and for our sexlife. He hasn't had a vasectomy but accepts the alternative.
Ultimately like you say, you don't mind if you have another baby, you can last longer than him without sex and you've been messed about hormoanally for years so it's no loss to you. Maybe screenshot some of respomses from people on here about how shit the pill is to show him most don't just find it fine like he thinks x

Yes, he’s a selfish twat. It’s him who doesn’t want another child, you wouldn’t mind one so it’s him who should take control of contraception. Can’t believe he’d rather have no sex at all than just use a condom or get the snip, what a tool.

Monday.

I know. Won't use a condom because it doesn't feel as good so his answer to that is no sex at all. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE 😂

As awful as it sounds I'm actually laughing now at the ridiculousness.

He's being quite cheery today (not seen much of him due to work) so it might even be less than 24hrs!

Ignore anyone on here who’s telling you you’re in the wrong. They have issues that they need to address.

He’s not just staggeringly selfish. Anyone who’d ask you to take something that makes you feel like shit just so they can have sex feel a bit better doesn’t deserve to be having sex with anyone. You’re well within your rights to set your own boundaries over your own body. He doesn’t get to regard you as a vessel for his own pleasure over a human being who he is supposed to love and care about.

It’s weird because I disagree with MN feminism on so many things, but this is absolutely a no brainer. He’s 100% in the wrong.

Also, the audacity of a man saying he doesn’t want anyone fiddling with his bits to a woman who has given birth to his child!!!!

I understand why a man doesn't want a vasectomy. But he should use something and not leave it all up to you.

I vote Friday night.

Another one voting for the weekend. Who doesn't love a Sunday morning session?

OP, I strongly suggest getting a LoveHoney box delivered at (his) point of maximum pain.

100% YANBU
DH and I are in the same situation, we don’t want more DC, none of us wants to get sterilised, I don’t want any of the available contraceptions for the same reasons as you -> condoms it is.

I know. Won't use a condom because it doesn't feel as good so his answer to that is no sex at all. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE

He isn't doing it because it makes sense, he's doing it to get his own way. But you know that.

I'd never have sex with him again frankly because his stance on contraception is gross. Poor him that a condom doesn't feel as good. Bet he still orgasms every single time though. How terrible for him.

Please let us know when he caves op!

You’re definitely not being U.

My bets are also on Friday night 😬😂

You can of course have sex without any contraception, just no PIV. So all kinds of non penetrative sex are on the cards from now on. Might work out well? Or he can just use a condom.

Tell him not to worry about it, because as it turns out, his attitude is the perfect contraception.

This. 100% this.

He's telling you clearly, OP, that his pleasure and comfort are worth more than yours. He doesn't want to wear a condom because it will "diminish his pleasure" but thinks nothing of making you take medication that has made you ill and uncomfortable-and no doubt, it may have even diminished your sex drive.

He doesn't want to go for the snip because why should he have to have someone fiddling with his bits, when his dear wife can do all of that for him?

My ex was like this and it's one of the reasons he's an ex. I had a really bad experience with a few forms of contraception. The Depo injection made my periods go completely crazy and last a lot longer than normal, the pill made me have headaches and feel ill, and my ex would refuse to use a condom. He saw nothing wrong with me being made ill by birth control whilst he took zero responsibility for preventing pregnancy.

After all, why shouldn't he be allowed to enjoy sex to the full regardless of what their partner feels like? Don't we women know that it's all about the menfolk and our role is to acquiesce to their every wit, whim and desire?

Honestly, looking back now, I realise what an utterly selfish individual my ex was. He's worse than selfish. So is your DH. He's prioritising his pleasure over your comfort and wellbeing. Think about that. Think about what that indicates about his feelings for you. In the pecking order, he's told you where he places you.

I'd be using the bedroom door form of contraception, "you're not coming in mate, there's blankets on the sofa" shuts bedroom door.

I've got the ick on your behalf, when he does cave (I'm betting on Saturday) I'd seriously say not tonight dear I've got a headache.

HE is 1000% WRONG

and i give him until the end of the month before he caves and wants sex

stand firm OP!! You have done your bit with birthing a child, using the pill and all the shitty hormones that come with!

stay strong - get on lovehoney and your sorted!

I think this would be a relationship ender for me, the resentment, and the spoiling of sex which is meant to be a thinkg that binds couples. Just cannot stand that men are so selfish and willing to let their partners suffer. Cause that is essentially it. They do not care that you suffer for the sake of their dicks. Absolutely gross and runs deeper than just this issue I expect.

But another pregnancy isn't unwanted by her. He is the one adamant he doesn't want more children.