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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

440 replies

SelfishH · 19/04/2023 22:09

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 20/04/2023 10:13

What you're describing is someone who is unwilling to compromise. So he will do things to help other people because either 1. he gets something out of it/enjoys that specific thing or 2. it doesn't affect him to do that thing.

But anything that is actually unpleasant.... he won't do.

DH could be a bit like this in the past. On the surface, do anything for anyone etc etc etc, but slowly I came to realise all those things were things he WANTED to do because they made him feel good or they were painless for him. But when it was something he just didn't want to do, he wouldn't. Over the years, we've had lots of conversations and he is 1million x better about this sort of thing. The irony is that I think overall, his life is a bit worse than it used to be - being a good person who is genuinely unselfish has lowered his quality of life. But my quality of life has improved immensely.

I'll give an example - he hates attending kids parties/doing playdates. Even though he's the parent who is at home more. I don't mind doing these things so am happy to take on the vast bulk of it. BUT, in the past, if he did have to do it, there'd be whining, sulking etc or I'd have to kill myself to rearrange it so that I could do it or whatever. And it used to drive me crazy. But now, if he has to do it, he sucks it up because he knows that it's not fair not to do it and he appreciates that I do it 90% of the time. So my life is a lot less stressful because I"m not constantly trying to accommodate his selfishness.

ModestMoon · 20/04/2023 10:15

I'm on this situation, except the reason is even more pathetic: he won't buy condoms from the shop, but apparently the ones I get are "too small" (as if). I won't have hormonal contraception. We're on year 4 of no sex, I hope your DH gives in faster.

Catsmere · 20/04/2023 10:15

The more I read, the more I think “is divorce feasible?”

Merryhobnobs · 20/04/2023 10:19

I came off the pill and felt so much better too. I went through pregnancy and then a long childbirth once and then a traumatic late miscarriage and then another difficult and stressful pregnancy and long childbirth. I made it abundantly clear that I was done, I had done my part and to risk another pregnancy would be detrimental to us as a family and my mental health - and physical health, I have chronic back pain now. My husband was fully on board. He is very squeamish, hates blood and he went and booked his vasectomy when our baby was a few weeks old - without me pressurizing but because he is a decent person. Your husband is being selfish and unfair. We have friends who have had still births, a friend and her baby died due to birth complications. Our baby was very poorly when he was born, I got sepsis. It is not a stroll in the park and it is not just down to woman. A vasectomy is a simple procedure with quick and easy recovery time.

MsMarch · 20/04/2023 10:19

ModestMoon · 20/04/2023 10:15

I'm on this situation, except the reason is even more pathetic: he won't buy condoms from the shop, but apparently the ones I get are "too small" (as if). I won't have hormonal contraception. We're on year 4 of no sex, I hope your DH gives in faster.

I told DH that I will NEVER buy condoms. That after years of being responsible for sourcing and taking the pill, two pregnancies (including fertility treatment) with all the efforts, appointments, supplements etc that goes with that, and the monthly effort of periods etc.... I. Will. Not. Buy. Condoms.

I have been known to walk past them in the pharmacy, knowing we need some, and keep going. It's a silly, ridiculous hill but one I am happy to die on.

Luckily, DH totally gets it and has never complained!

billy1966 · 20/04/2023 10:22

OP, you see the real person you are with when you say No.

He sounds spectacularly selfish.

Not the behaviour of a man who genuinely cares about you.

I would be wary and definitely stick to one child!

MandyMotherOfBrian · 20/04/2023 10:34

Is he aware that you would be ok with a pregnancy? Or does he think that you’re as much against another child as he is? If it’s the latter he might be assuming you’ll cave.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 20/04/2023 10:34

Started to read the replies OP but it all got a bit depressing I see some people just want you to accommodate the poor man. But I've read all your posts now - so surely on this thread someone must have asked why is this not a deal breaker for you? Why do you want to stay with him? His bad qualities are pretty bad - I don't think the "nice" things he does that you have described make up for it. What's your thinking longer term?

Iamdobby63 · 20/04/2023 10:40

Yes he is selfish, had the self same thing with my husband, couldn’t take the pill any more and didn’t want the coil - 20 yrs later I’m still waiting for him to have the vasectomy. Word of warning… this destroyed our sex life, not that I think you should give in but maybe continue the conversation rather than just remaining at a stale mate. Good luck.

LlynTegid · 20/04/2023 10:40

He is selfish and I am with you on this one. Sadly not alone, in many cases the influence of porn though probably not in his case.

Yummymummy2020 · 20/04/2023 10:44

That’s awful behaviour from him. You are right to stand your ground! I will be in a similar boat after this baby, I know dh won’t want more and I’m not going back on the pill as it caused me a lot of trouble! So I will be saying the same as you! My bits have been cut already during childbirth so not willing to have any more fiddling done with mine either😂 honestly op though he is not showing himself in a nice light at all.

Turfwars · 20/04/2023 10:44

If I were you I'd also be digging out the sexy shortie pjs or the leggings he really likes your ass in just to rub his abstinence decision in his selfish fucking face.

RayofSunshine18 · 20/04/2023 10:46

You are NOT being unreasonable.

I just don't understand why some men think that because we are the ones that can get pregnant, we should be the ones that find a way to stop it - it takes TWO!!!

Tell him that the only compromise that you can seem to come to is that you wont be having sex, as you cannot agree on any other form of contraception, and see if he changes his mind!!

bureaucracygaaah · 20/04/2023 10:48

It's not only selfish but also shows a lack of respect for you. My wife was really ill when she took the pill years ago and now that we've decided no more kids, I was happy to have the snip as I didn't feel it was fair to make her put more hormones in her body. His sole argument that he doesn't want anyone "fiddling with his bits is", frankly, pathetic.

Pixiedust1234 · 20/04/2023 10:50

I hear you on his other selfish acts as I have been looking at my DH more too. I've finally worked it out for mine. Its bragging rights. He can't brag about being a good DH if he went to the theatre with you despite not enjoying it. But he can brag about giving you more money, or cooking dinner.

For instance my DH will drive me to my hospital appointments (bragging rights) but doesn't actually come in with me OR pick me up after OR ask me how it went. He can't brag about the last three but the first...others think he's soooo caring and wonderful (and assume he does the other three as well).

Look closer. Yours might be doing the same.

Newestname002 · 20/04/2023 10:53

@ModestMoon

he won't buy condoms from the shop, but apparently the ones I get are "too small" (as if).
😂😂

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 20/04/2023 10:55

SelfishH · 20/04/2023 10:07

Yes this is what I've now said. Okay then no sex 🤷‍♀️ I guarantee he'll cave before I will on that front.

Show quote history

Worked for Lysistrata.

angela99999 · 20/04/2023 10:56

I had my tubes tied, a very simple laparascopoic procedure which had no effect on my hormones. You do have to take care not to get pregnant during the first month but then it's done.

Goldbar · 20/04/2023 10:56

What are his redeeming features?

KievLoverTwo · 20/04/2023 10:56

SelfishH · 19/04/2023 22:09

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

He sounds special. I wouldn’t just deny sex, I would deny marriage and be off.

I bloody hate mainsplainers.

My OH had the snip and it was briefly uncomfortable for ten minutes, and that was it.

I loathe that man will be so selfish about this subject.

toastandmarmaladeandtea · 20/04/2023 10:59

YANBU

orangegato · 20/04/2023 11:00

Voted YABU cause just don’t fuck him?

also what about non hormonal coil? Hormones don’t agree with me and I have no problems with this.

martha4clark · 20/04/2023 11:02

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Please stay strong and stand your ground. My husband was more than happy to have a vasectomy after our two children. It's a shared responsibility.

diflasu · 20/04/2023 11:02

YANBU

When I has a similar issue DH - who didn't want vasectomy fair enough really - there was no drama just a shrug and he ordered condoms.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 20/04/2023 11:04

DP and I had a similar conversation with a very different result.

Me: are you happy that we are completely done with babies or would you like the possibility in the future?
Him: nope I am done.
Me: ok, well my periods have stopped cos of implant nd I would like to be in a place where I know my body and its cycles before I go through menopause. I would like to know what is happening and when.
Him: ok, are you having implant out then?
Me:I am thinking about it. I am happy to get sterilised though?
Him: can't that mess your body around though? Didn't drs advise against it when you had X Isn't the snip easier?
Me: Snip is easier but I know you might be a bit weird about this and its my decision to have the implant out so wouldn't ask you to do that.
Him: you are not asking though. I will look into snip and work out who/when to talk to Dr. You have messed your body around with contraception forever.
Me: u sure?
Him: yh you pushed babies out. Its my turn to do something now.
Me: wow that was a proper adult conversation, babe we are like grown ups now.
Him : whoop hi five!