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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend pissing my children off - do I just tell her?

257 replies

Givenupgivingashit · 19/04/2023 21:16

Ok so may be me or my DD's being oversensitive here, but here goes. My shift patterns have changed so I now have to leave 2 youngest DD's (6&7) with a friend 3 days a week so she can take them to school for me. Return favour is that I can pick up her 2 DDs from school on the same days.

I drop them off at 7.30am, they are ready for school and have had breakfast so all they do is play with her DD's until they leave the house at 8.15ish. This has been the routine for the last 2 weeks since the Easter holidays.

This morning, eldest DD seemed to be a bit quiet when they were on the way to friend's house, and was seemingly wanting to tell me something when I dropped them off, but didn't so I didn't think any more about it until this evening when friend had picked up her 2 from me, then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much and was a bit "strict" with them during their early mornings with her.

When I asked her what she meant, there were a few specific things which my friend seems to impose on my children which she obviously does with hers;

  • making sure that their shoes are clean, and if they've been in the garden and they're a bit muddy then they have to be wiped clean (uppers not just soles)
  • they have to spend 15 minutes doing their reading books (mine do this night before but she makes hers and mine do it too)
  • she fills their water bottles with bottled water, tells them it's better for them than tap water (which I fill them with)
  • makes them do up their ties/top buttons, even though they're more comfortable undone and school isn't bothered

I'm not sure whether this is just me being picky, or I have lax standards, or whether I should just be grateful that she's able to take them at that time in the morning and drop at school etc? Or should I say something?

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 19:53

Pay for regulated childcare rather than relying on friends, it never works out and if there is an accident they rnt insured.

LaughingCat · 20/04/2023 19:56

While it’s good that they are getting used to different routines, there’s something in the fact that your eldest daughter seems to be uncomfortable. Kids have a hard time verbalising when you try and find out what’s wrong and often focus on odd things when questioned.

But then it could be that your eldest is hitting that age when realisation starts to dawn that your parents’ rules might not be the singular version of ‘right and wrong’ that you’ve been led to believe…if another adult says that bottled water is better, does that mean that mum is…gasp…wrong? And if she’s wrong about that, what else is she wrong about? It can’t be true, because my mum is an all-knowing supergod but then…does that mean that X’s mum is wrong? That can’t be right either.

It might be worth having another sit down with her and seeing what’s going on in her head. She might just need it explaining to her, that different people have different things they think are important, and that that is ok. It’s not ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

Cantgetausername87 · 20/04/2023 20:01

She's just getting your children to do the same things her do. Probably trying to be kind with the shoes- doesn't want you thinking your kids get messy and untidy at hers. Think it's totally fine - bottled water is a bit strange but again she means it with kindness. I'd let it go

Katherine1985 · 20/04/2023 20:07

If your DC is getting a hostile or impatient tone from her then it’s tricky. But it’s early days and she’s still getting your DC used to her routine. Hopefully it will work out or you find another arrangement if your DC is still unhappy after another couple of weeks

mustgetoffmn · 20/04/2023 20:08

goodkidsmaadhouse · 19/04/2023 21:23

I think given that it's a favour sort of situation (albeit I know the favour is reciprocal) you should pick your battles. Maybe choose the one thing that's annoying your DCs the most and speak to her about it. I couldn't get too worked up about the shoes or the reading personally. The water thing is very strange.

Really? I think it’s very common that people don’t take water from the tap. Because we don’t know what chemical purification it’s had and also what trace elements are in it. That’s a big reason that people buy bottled water why otherwise do you think they pay ? But whatever you think about this it’s not unusual and she may just be giving the children water which she has filtered and put into a bottle herself. Not weird or unusual at all.

mustgetoffmn · 20/04/2023 20:08

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 19:53

Pay for regulated childcare rather than relying on friends, it never works out and if there is an accident they rnt insured.

That’s expensive!

Footgoose · 20/04/2023 20:10

All fine . Good on her for not filling your children’s with bottles with tap water , and her own with bottled water. To me, she is treating every one the same .
Also she’s probably answering the questions lot of questions at a busy time , I would have said “ I just am alright “ with regard to the water bottle .
So long as these are your only concerns I would keep the arrangement going. Sounds like gold.

Sillyname63 · 20/04/2023 20:13

I know mornings can be stressful but you do have her children for a lot longer 3+ hours do you give them a meal? Why don't you say you will do the reading of the books once in while , when her children with you sometimes as realistically by the time they get home and have tea/ snack it must be bedtime.

MysteryBelle · 20/04/2023 20:15

mustgetoffmn · 20/04/2023 20:08

Really? I think it’s very common that people don’t take water from the tap. Because we don’t know what chemical purification it’s had and also what trace elements are in it. That’s a big reason that people buy bottled water why otherwise do you think they pay ? But whatever you think about this it’s not unusual and she may just be giving the children water which she has filtered and put into a bottle herself. Not weird or unusual at all.

Show quote history

Agree. How could anyone find something wrong in giving children bottled water. Many people do not drink from the tap. They don’t care how many filters the tap water has gone through, they still don’t want to drink toilet water. They do have a point there. Plus the question of exactly what has and hasn’t been filtered out etc.

MysteryBelle · 20/04/2023 20:16

Meant to specify spring water. Obviously a lot of bottled water is also originating from the tap.

SequinsandStilettos · 20/04/2023 20:21
  • making sure that their shoes are clean, and if they've been in the garden and they're a bit muddy then they have to be wiped clean (uppers not just soles) her carpet, her rules
  • they have to spend 15 minutes doing their reading books (mine do this night before but she makes hers and mine do it too) the more reading the better, can she please have my two?
  • she fills their water bottles with bottled water, tells them it's better for them than tap water (which I fill them with) her £ wasted, makes zero difference to the kids
  • makes them do up their ties/top buttons, even though they're more comfortable undone and school isn't bothered my secondary school insist on this so good habit for them to get into

YABVU - none of these are issues.

threatmatrix · 20/04/2023 20:31

If a friend was good enough to do me such a huge favour then her house her rules. I think what she does is normal.

Colourmylifewith · 20/04/2023 20:45

MiddleParking · 19/04/2023 21:20

Can she help with my kids in the morning too?

Same! I’d love the shoe cleaning thing!

LBFseBrom · 20/04/2023 20:48

Whatabouteverything · 19/04/2023 21:18

All sounds fairly reasonable to Me. I can't really see an issue. Just tell your kids that's her rules and once they're at school they can open their top buttons if they're bothered. She's not doing anything wrong.

I agree. They are only there for three quarters of an hour and there needs to be some order and routine with four children even for that short space of time.

Cut off the top buttons! A friend of mine did that to their son's school winter coat because a teacher always insisted on doing it up, which he hated. It was effective.

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/04/2023 20:51

Her house, her rules.

I thought you were going to say she shouts at them and smacks them round the ear'ole or something.

Ukrainebaby23 · 21/04/2023 06:58

Water thing is a bit weird, but she's treating your children as her own which I can't fault.
It would be difficult to allow your children to do different stuff, while her ideas are different to yours they aren't wrong, dangerous, unsafe or abusive.

If you value friendship and convenience, explain different approaches to your DD and buy the mum some flowers yo say thank you.

T1Dmama · 21/04/2023 08:24
  • making sure that their shoes are clean, and if they've been in the garden and they're a bit muddy then they have to be wiped clean (uppers not just soles) - I think this is normal!! Surely everyone likes their kids to leave the house/go to school with clean shoes?!
  • they have to spend 15 minutes doing their reading books (mine do this night before but she makes hers and mine do it too) - great.. so make a deal with your kids that if they read at hers they don’t need to read again that night!
  • she fills their water bottles with bottled water, tells them it's better for them than tap water (which I fill them with) - I think this one is a bit ridiculous of her! But no harm done. My daughter has bottled water too but I wouldn’t be swapping other peoples kids to it…
  • makes them do up their ties/top buttons, even though they're more comfortable undone and school isn't bothered - I’m assuming they’re primary school aged?? (Because of the 15 minute
  • reading).. so I don’t think this is a bad habit to get into as seniors is likely to be stricter.

I think it’s basic manners to fit in with the families rules that you are visiting.. I think your son needs to get over his sulk … It’s your son being unreasonable here, tell him that every household is different and he needs to practice good manners and slot into your friends routine, without her help you’d struggle those two mornings or have to pay someone … he’ll soon get used to it and maybe he’ll realise that it’s actually nicer arriving at school looking clean (shoes) and tidy (top button)..

mustgetoffmn · 21/04/2023 09:03

Your post is asking two things it seems. Dealing with your DDs ability to be polite and accepting that people run their life in different ways. Then Should you intervene re the actual differences, in that they are U? My response is of course your DD need to understand that not everything they are used to is the way others do things. They will learn a good thing from this including appreciation that the neighbour is helping you . Regarding the details honestly? Hardly child cruelty is it? I think she’s right about the bottled water but of course it’s expensive. So she’s not asking you or your DD to pay. Top buttons and clean shoes? Reading? Hmmmm tell DDs to appreciate and undo top buttons I’m sure they’ll manage.

mustgetoffmn · 21/04/2023 09:18

goodkidsmaadhouse · 19/04/2023 21:39

then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much

On reflection I wonder if it's the way she's asking your kids to do things rather than the actual things themselves. Does anyone remember the Ramona book when she realises that her friend's Grandma, who watches her after school, doesn't like her? It's a really really uncomfortable feeling as a child to think that an adult who is looking after you might not like you.

This is a very good point. As a child I was not disciplined by over worked parents and our posh neighbour didn’t like her daughter to play with me. It wasn’t easy to understand at 9 yo and it was upsetting. No cruel words said just an atmosphere. Maybe worth having a good chat with DD to try and ascertain what’s going on. Im not inferring that you are similar to my parents experience btw. I remember the last straw and door shut in my face after I went knocking on the day the 11 plus results came out. The mother furious that her daughter hadn’t passed. I had! Sweet.

ReadersD1gest · 21/04/2023 10:57

mustgetoffmn · 21/04/2023 09:18

This is a very good point. As a child I was not disciplined by over worked parents and our posh neighbour didn’t like her daughter to play with me. It wasn’t easy to understand at 9 yo and it was upsetting. No cruel words said just an atmosphere. Maybe worth having a good chat with DD to try and ascertain what’s going on. Im not inferring that you are similar to my parents experience btw. I remember the last straw and door shut in my face after I went knocking on the day the 11 plus results came out. The mother furious that her daughter hadn’t passed. I had! Sweet.

Show quote history

To be fair, it sounds like you were a brat 🤷🏻‍♀️

euff · 21/04/2023 11:23

The list of things is fine but we wont know how she talks to and makes your DC feel so that is tricky. In writing she's treating your kids the same as hers so that's fine as she doesn't want to change how she does things with hers or have to have two systems running and her DC complaining about doing reading while yours watch the tv etc.

I would just talk to DC regularly about their time there to work out if it's just a bit hard getting used to the strictness or if she has an air of not liking them being there which she's not doing a good job of hiding. Having to spend time with someone who makes you feel bad isn't nice and if you have the option of a breakfast club it might be preferable.

girlswillbegirls · 21/04/2023 12:20

No, she doesn't sound like a brat.

I was one of those children raised up by someone with very "high standards" and who wanted all "perfect". Lots of rules and regulations at home and being perceived as the perfect mother was what was valued by my own mother. Nobody sees anything bad about it and people praised her for her "high standards". The price to pay was a miserable house. We were in fact miserable.

Perhaps the OP's daughter is picking on the very uptight atmosphere already.

Bottled water will be banned in the EU in the next 15 years as it is a source of pollution. Its an environmental hazard and waste of fossil fuels. Also tap water is of higher quality.

In any case, to impose other children to drink bottle water and discard their own tap water they bring from their own house is concerning. Its very controlling behavior.

OP you are better off with breakfast club in the mornings.

Londongal123 · 21/04/2023 12:29

Since she's watching your kids for free drop it. Otherwise put in the early morning care at the school.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/04/2023 13:09

I’d chalk it up to different house different rules. She obviously has a set routine and wants your dc to slot in eg they can’t be watching tv while hers read.
We all have different standards re presentation. She’s obviously treating yours like her own.
Keep chatting to children check it’s going ok but what you’re saying seems well within normal.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/04/2023 13:13

A neighbour used to pick me up when I was 7 ish. She took her daughter to sweet shop in way home every day and bought her a massive bag of sweets. My mum felt she had to give me a few pence for sweets even though she didn’t agree with it daily. They moved and I walked myself from 8 ish.