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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend pissing my children off - do I just tell her?

257 replies

Givenupgivingashit · 19/04/2023 21:16

Ok so may be me or my DD's being oversensitive here, but here goes. My shift patterns have changed so I now have to leave 2 youngest DD's (6&7) with a friend 3 days a week so she can take them to school for me. Return favour is that I can pick up her 2 DDs from school on the same days.

I drop them off at 7.30am, they are ready for school and have had breakfast so all they do is play with her DD's until they leave the house at 8.15ish. This has been the routine for the last 2 weeks since the Easter holidays.

This morning, eldest DD seemed to be a bit quiet when they were on the way to friend's house, and was seemingly wanting to tell me something when I dropped them off, but didn't so I didn't think any more about it until this evening when friend had picked up her 2 from me, then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much and was a bit "strict" with them during their early mornings with her.

When I asked her what she meant, there were a few specific things which my friend seems to impose on my children which she obviously does with hers;

  • making sure that their shoes are clean, and if they've been in the garden and they're a bit muddy then they have to be wiped clean (uppers not just soles)
  • they have to spend 15 minutes doing their reading books (mine do this night before but she makes hers and mine do it too)
  • she fills their water bottles with bottled water, tells them it's better for them than tap water (which I fill them with)
  • makes them do up their ties/top buttons, even though they're more comfortable undone and school isn't bothered

I'm not sure whether this is just me being picky, or I have lax standards, or whether I should just be grateful that she's able to take them at that time in the morning and drop at school etc? Or should I say something?

OP posts:
Tessasanderson · 21/04/2023 13:18

Havent read the whole thread but how the heck does she know that your kids water is tap water? Has she taste tested it?

goodkidsmaadhouse · 21/04/2023 13:54

I am so surprised that people give their DC bottled water. It's so bad for the environment! And if they finish their bottles at school, presumably they're just refilling them with the (tap) fountain...

Jeclop · 21/04/2023 14:43

Everyone commenting on preferring bottled water to tap, please do a little Googling.

Tap water in the UK much better than bottled.

Bottled water isn't tested as often (we have stringent rules for tap water here) and sits in plastic for unlimited amounts of time. We also don't know if that plastic has been sitting in the sun or close to a heat source - look up drinking water from bottles that have been left in the sun - you are supposed to dispose of these bottles and not drink.

Clever marketing ploys are exactly that, clever at making us believe their product is what's best.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/04/2023 16:52

No matter what op thinks of bottled water it’s not her place to say. Unless it’s something harmful then you just suck
it up surely.
I took DDs classmate home from school, gave her tea, got them changed and took them to Rainbows as her mum worked late and couldn’t get her there otherwise. No problem as she was a nice little girl and I was going anyway. It was tight time wise and I think they had pizza for tea most weeks (both liked it/quick/halal etc) If the mum had started making noises about my catering or how I’d done her uniform I’d have said I was stopping. If it’s a favour you just accept it or make other arrangements.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/04/2023 16:57

I’d definitely listen to dd though and keep eye on things. It might just be your friends rules and tone are different to yours. If it’s not working for them then think about changing eg can you go on wait list for breakfast club.

Sunshine275 · 21/04/2023 18:59

If that’s the rules she sets for her children while yours are in her care she won’t be setting the right example by treating yourself differently.

I mean I’d want kids shoes to be clean if their covered in mud.

In fact she’s treating your children as she would her own I think is a positive thing.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/04/2023 19:04

If she's offering you free childcare with healthy standards, then you suck it up. Or pay for childcare somewhere else.

thirdfiddle · 21/04/2023 19:21

I'd say thank you friend, there is no need to refill water bottle or hear them reading, we do reading in the evenings. And not fuss about the clean shoes/tidy uniform, that's a good habit to get into anyway and easier if all the kids have to do it.

Declaring your choice of water unhealthy is weird and rude to you.

And hearing them read is more probably nosy than kind. A bit of silent reading would be fine, if that's their routine then yours can read some more to fit in. But I'm guessing at that age you mean she's demanding they read aloud? Or what do you mean by 'doing their reading books'? If it's a reading diary and it's already written in there's nothing left to do.

Muminthebluecoat · 21/04/2023 19:21

I mean their reasonable requests and ite obviously much harder for her to get hers to do it if yours aren't. If she didn't feel like she could impose rules on your kids it would probably be easier for her to say she can't have your kids than it would argue with her kids why they have to do something others don't.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 21/04/2023 19:22

I wouldn't have more dch here at 7.30am for all the tea in China. The water thing is a bit odd (maybe it's filtered rather than bottled? I've been given a water filter and the water does taste nicer.). But worth it for the convenience of her having your DDs. I wouldn't say anything that would get her back up.

TheMummy1417 · 21/04/2023 19:27

Your friend is being good enough to watch them on the days you need to work, then take them to school. It would be a nightmare for her to set rules for her kids that yours didnt have to follow! If they’ve done the reading, a little more will definitely not hurt. Buttons can be undone at school if they’re fine with that. I would, personally, appreciate that you have someone willing to do that for you & explain to DCs while in her house, her rules!

ThereIbledit · 21/04/2023 19:39

You can't really have a problem with any of those things, surely?

girlswillbegirls · 21/04/2023 19:41

@Jeclop a 100 per cent with you. I just can't understand how people have the wrong perception of bottled water being of a higher quality compared to tap water. I don't want to be too specific as would be outing, but it's in my line of work. Microbiological parameters in bottled water are hardly compliant. Why people don't believe tap water is way safer??

This is beside the environmental impact of plastic, and issues you are pointing out with chemical migration in plastic bottles etc.

Willma123 · 21/04/2023 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PollyPeptide · 21/04/2023 19:49

I’d tell her the contents of my children’s water bottles has fuck all to do with her. But probably phrase it a bit more politely

Why would anyone complain over a child having bottled water over tap water? It's costing her money so shes not doing it to be mean.

Elfandwellbeing · 21/04/2023 19:51

@Willma123 that is a stupid remark! You must educate yourself about it, it’s an offensive comparison.

Yabu. She is doing you a favour.

MyStarBoy · 21/04/2023 20:01

Your friend is teaching them high standards.
You should be thanking her!

Snoopyandthemuppets · 21/04/2023 20:11

Umm

45 minutes in the morning versus 3 hours after school.

I really do think that’s not a bad deal she has - presumably you feed hers and do homework and deal with any reading.

Might be a good idea to have a coffee and clarify things

Reading tick, smarten up for school (you’ll thanks her for it at secondary) tick, wipe shoes clean tick
fiddling with water bottles I wouldn’t like that

maybe check what you do after school fits with her too!

VerasDuckworth · 21/04/2023 20:20

Her house, her rules. If any kids come to ours they have to fit in with us too

YNK · 21/04/2023 20:29

mainsfed · 19/04/2023 21:23

What stands out is that she is treating your children like hers, which is good.

If she is singling your kids out then that would be different.

She may find it difficult to get her kids to do their books if yours are playing.

I don't agree - they are not her children.

If this was about their behaviour then fine for her to have boundaries in her own house but she is steatlh criticising your parenting which is decidedly NOT good for them.

She's undermining you and that is a huge red flag!

suzettenoisette · 21/04/2023 20:35

She's taking good care of your children, OP! Just be grateful and thank her. You're being very unreasonable.

Bottled water is indeed better but it depends on where exactly you're living. I can't believe you are upset about this? Odd.

Whichnumbers · 21/04/2023 20:43

tap water is more regulated than bottled water - but its not worth worrying about

as others have said its good for your dc to learn other families operate differently. you can tell your dc that her house her rules. Also tell your dc to appreciate how things are at home if they like it better

vilepig · 21/04/2023 20:46

The water thing is weird.
But the rest of it is because that's the routine she has for her children and she doesn't want your children playing or whatever while hers are reading their books. It's a good thing. If they've already read the book, they can read it again, it won't kill them.
Don't see why they should be allowed to go inside with muddy shoes either.
The tie thing will also be because she wants her children to have the top button done up and the tie tied properly and if yours are allowed to do what they like hers will soon start rebelling.

I can see her point. She seems to have a routine and rules in place and that works for her.

If you don't like it, you will have to find another arrangement for your children.

Gg93 · 21/04/2023 21:38

I would have another chat with your children and see what exactly they are unhappy about. All these sound reasonable requests at face value however if your friend is making them clean their shoes the minate they get into her house every day that sounds a bit excessive and it might feel like punishment for your kids. Expecially if she inspects the shoes afterwards amd keep telling them to clean them more. It might be a way that your friend is using to kill time in the morning. If this is a big issue for your kids could you suggest that they take their shoes off when they enter her house. Of course you want your kids to have clean shoes and follow the rules of her house but you also want them to have a good start to the day and to be happy. (Having said that all these rules might makes them realise what a great mam they have).

I find it odd that your friend get her kids to read in the morning. Good on her but again I do suspect that it is her way to keep the house clean and stop your kids from messing it up. Of course when all the kids start playing and get really into the games it might make stopping the game really hard or leaving the house stressful. Personally I always find getting out of the house very hard/stressful in the morning. I couldn't imagine reading, games or other kids in the mix.

Have a chat with your kids and see exactly what the problem/issue is. Of course different house different rules but maybe some compromise could be reached. Like your kids might be able to suggest something they would like to do in the morning that is quiet and contained like colouring or reading or something. It might just be a case of a change in routine and your kids need time to adjust. Maybe just talking this through with you will be enough for your kids without any other action been taken. Maybe you could touch base with your friend and enquire off her how things are going. Could then mention whatever it is if anything you would like to tweek or could just say that your kids are find it a bit of an adjustment. This all depends on how well ye get along and how well she is coping with all the kids. Of course if I were actually in your shoes I probs wouldn't have the courage/guts to chat to your friend unless I really had to. But bear in mind some kinks will iron themselves out in time. It kind of sounds to me like your kids feel like they have no control of the suitation and they cant talk back like they would to you if you made these requests.

whatisheupto · 21/04/2023 22:19

Wow I would be delighted she was showing so much concern and care for my children. If I had someone elses kids at 7.30am I wouldn't give two hoots what their shoes or ties looked like. And I certainly wouldn't be bothered with improving their reading skills!
You've landed on your feet there OP! Be grateful!