Friend pissing my children off - do I just tell her?

[Givenupgivingashit]

Ok so may be me or my DD's being oversensitive here, but here goes. My shift patterns have changed so I now have to leave 2 youngest DD's (6&7) with a friend 3 days a week so she can take them to school for me. Return favour is that I can pick up her 2 DDs from school on the same days.

I drop them off at 7.30am, they are ready for school and have had breakfast so all they do is play with her DD's until they leave the house at 8.15ish. This has been the routine for the last 2 weeks since the Easter holidays.

This morning, eldest DD seemed to be a bit quiet when they were on the way to friend's house, and was seemingly wanting to tell me something when I dropped them off, but didn't so I didn't think any more about it until this evening when friend had picked up her 2 from me, then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much and was a bit "strict" with them during their early mornings with her.

When I asked her what she meant, there were a few specific things which my friend seems to impose on my children which she obviously does with hers;

• making sure that their shoes are clean, and if they've been in the garden and they're a bit muddy then they have to be wiped clean (uppers not just soles)
• they have to spend 15 minutes doing their reading books (mine do this night before but she makes hers and mine do it too)
• she fills their water bottles with bottled water, tells them it's better for them than tap water (which I fill them with)
• makes them do up their ties/top buttons, even though they're more comfortable undone and school isn't bothered

I'm not sure whether this is just me being picky, or I have lax standards, or whether I should just be grateful that she's able to take them at that time in the morning and drop at school etc? Or should I say something?

Love the pp post about looking for the note behind the note.

I went to a childminder before school, and nothing she did was mean or difficult, it just felt really alien, and that is a difficult emotion to articulate.

I'm not saying you should keep them home, but acknowledge that it feels unsettling, but that it would be odd for her to apply different rules to her own child.

I suspect she's just not very warm, which can feel even stricter to a child. She doesn't have to be, but completely understand their disquiet.

I agree She sounds good, and has what you call good standards and runs everything like clockwork

She treated your children like her own, which stands out,

Nothing Weird here, unlike what @Mum2jenny said,

The water bottle thing,

Sounds very much She or her children does not like the taste of water much prefers bottle water instead, is it hard or soft water area place you live at @Givenupgivingashit ?
or dislikes the chemical put into water, to purify the water , or added to water to help with keeping teeth strong for children, what's the chemical called ?
I can't rember

Only thing about bottle water,

I drink bottle water quite often

I have found occasionally once with certain flavored water 💧 bottle,
I could taste the weird flavour of chemical taste of the bottle, which was off putting 🤔,

Are you very or somewhat lakisy daisy @Givenupgivingashit then?
Not organised, dashing here and there ect,?

I can see why your children may find doing top button slightly uncomfortable
That's it

It is commenting on appearance and shouldn’t be done. It’s unnecessary and not her business. It’s not drama, you just don’t do it. Their parent is aware of it and is ok with it so butt out.

The shoes thing is fine, the mud causes her more work to clean up.

The water bottle thing wouldn’t bother me unless she did actually pour the water I’d provided away, although my daughter wouldn’t drink bottled water so I’d have to say something, if my daughter didn’t.

The reading thing, she’s probably doing to make her life easier to stop her kids moaning. If it was me, I wouldn’t make my friends kids do it, I’d just tell my own kids they’re doing it as they don’t do it in the evenings unlike friends kids.

I wonder too if it’s her manner with the children - the way she talks to them which isn’t nice.

She had no right to tell a child to do their button up. It doesn’t impact her at all, unlike the mud, which she will end up cleaning up and therefore makes sense. Why stir up drama? How about why make a child change how their uniform is when their own mum doesn’t mind? It’s a weird thing to do.

Topping up or filling the water bottle up because it’s empty is different to pouring the tap water out and refilling. We’ll have to see if OP clarifies which it is.

Is wearing a tie and doing up the top button really that bad? My DC do it everyday! It is fully enforced at their school, but even if not every teacher at OP's school cares, I'm sure stricter teachers occasionally will anyway.

So I don't see it as changing the uniform, but getting them to follow uniform rules. Yes, she's not a teacher but she is responsible for them, and in her mind she could be obliged to ensure they look okay turning up for school. So as long as my DC weren't very physically uncomfortable, I wouldn't kick up a fuss.

And again, I think looking presentable is a good life skill. Even for students! The invariably well-groomed and presentable children, usually from better backgrounds, used to get lots of peer-voted or adult-selected leadership opportunities back at my school (which straddled 2 very different socioeconomic areas). I'm not super fussed but it's good to at least have that option, no?

That said if she really is criticising and nitpicking as opposed to issuing simple instructions, that's not okay.

I think phrasing this as “pissing off my children” is not helpful. She is maybe on the strict side and does some things differently to you. Her comment about bottled water is not ideal, but she probably got a “Why?” From your kids when filling them up and couldn’t really think of a better way to explain it. I have to say I’d be thrilled if someone did the reading books thing with my kids!

I would just explain that some families do things differently and that that’s life.

Maybe your friend is pissed off with you for not doing the times tables / reading / spellings with her dcs in the afternoon. I would just let it go and explain to your dds everyone is different and to follow her rules. It’s only and hour twice a week.

@TheMiddleOfTheMiddle I think if OP's DC had said "mum lets us leave our buttons open and not put our ties on" (and she believed them), it would be disrespectful to override the mother's wishes. But otherwise I assume she was just getting them to follow school rules - button up and tie just before going in (what my DC do at the very last minute).

OP says school doesn't enforce, but that probably means half the kids wear the uniform properly and half don't. So in the friend's mind it could be a minimum standard that OP might even expect her to take care of

OP sees her kids in the morning with top buttons undone, so it’s not this friends place to change that. It’s controlling. She’s not their parent or their teacher. It not uniform rules as the OP has said the school are not bothered and OPs kids find it more comfortable not fine up.

They're 6 and 7, their future won't be affected by a top button undone. Many primaries only have polo tops anyway, they’re not all doomed. 😅 Having the top button undone at primary, and secondary in my daughters case hasn’t held her back at all. Good results, awards, likely to be a prefect soon etc.

The friend needs to just butt out.

@TheMiddleOfTheMiddle Yes, I know the kids go in with buttons undone and ties off, but that may not be an indication of OP's final desire. The children are playing for 45mins at the friend's house so it might be reasonable to assume it's to be the last step. Especially as they've brought their ties.

It might be the actual uniform rules, but school just doesn't care. So again, you have half the children wearing the uniform properly and half not.

Anyway, personally I'm just not fussed about someone making sure my kids wear their uniform properly. I can't be arsed with mine all the time but if someone else were to do it for me, why not!

Even if I didn't think it was necessary, I'm not sure I would actually waste my time being offended. (Again though, I would be mildly offended if kids said "Mum said it's okay", and the friend believed them but still overrode me.)

Anyway yeah it looks like a childminder might be better for all involved here!

And sorry the main thing was – I really don't think she's that arsed about OP's kids. Either she thinks OP expects her to adhere to certain standards while taking care of OP's kids, or she can't tell her kids to do one thing and OP's kids to do another thing

The shoes are fair enough, she wants to keep her house clean.
The reading books and uniforms are not up to her, so that's a bit odd. The answer to any challenges from her children as to why your children don't have to do the same as them is 'I'm not their Mum, but I am yours, so do as I ask you to', not to make yours conform.
I think changing the contents of the water bottle is cheeky, and a bit judgemental weird of her. But water is water so it has no real effect on your DDs.

You have two choices, have a word with her, or suck it up for the sake of the arrangement you have. Given one of your DDs is a bit upset perhaps speak to her to ask her not to do whatever it is that bothers your DD.

Are their ties off? OP said she sends them ‘ready for school’ so no uniform alterations required is how I read it. ‘Top buttons and ties undone’ to me means the tie is on just not done all the way up to neck, like when you’ve had a tie on but loosened it.

She’s overstepping, it’s unnecessary. You just don’t do this to other people’s children. As for wasting time being offended, the friend is wasting time by enforcing something the school and OP don’t care about.

My daughter would just ignore it. She knows mum and dad are ok with it and school are too. I suggest OP tells her kids to ignore.

Stop being a weirdo and fucking chill . You are being unreasblle

My daughter would just ignore it. She knows mum and dad are ok with it and school are too. I suggest OP tells her kids to ignore.

You can’t send them and do that though. You would need to just stop the arrangement and not send them, that’s the only alternative. You can’t tell your kids to ignore the instructions of someone who has them in their care within their household and to only adhere to the same rules as their own home, that’s not how it works.

This!
Just get them to u ndo buttons when they arrive to school
Getting them to do reading on an am saves u a job on an eve
And if she wants to spend her own money on bottled water, let her.
The other rules are understandable

When it comes to their own clothing, of course you can. ‘Mum is fine with it and it’s more comfortable’ is all that’s needed. If the friend pushes anymore, she’s even weirder.

The water thing is weird do I wonder if your daughter is picking up on general uprightness.

I like her!

Is there more to it than that? Kids don't normally moan about stuff like this - ok top button being uncomfortable, maybe.

Strikes me there might be.... Carry on digging....

She's strict. Her house her rules. That's what I would say to my kids. If you don't like it, you need to find an alternative.

So she is teaching them to clean their shoes, look smart and learn. How strict!!
How dreadul for you DCs. She'll have them up the chimney after a calligraphy lesson, then forced reading and howcto smarten yourself up lessons.
The horror!!

Have been triggered by this post
I used to go to a friend of my mum's while waiting for school bus; she made me eat brown bread toast!
I mean, the cruelty. She never offered a white bread option. Not even on my birthday
That's strict