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Original poster

Friend pissing my children off - do I just tell her?

257 replies

Givenupgivingashit · 19/04/2023 21:16

Ok so may be me or my DD's being oversensitive here, but here goes. My shift patterns have changed so I now have to leave 2 youngest DD's (6&7) with a friend 3 days a week so she can take them to school for me. Return favour is that I can pick up her 2 DDs from school on the same days.

I drop them off at 7.30am, they are ready for school and have had breakfast so all they do is play with her DD's until they leave the house at 8.15ish. This has been the routine for the last 2 weeks since the Easter holidays.

This morning, eldest DD seemed to be a bit quiet when they were on the way to friend's house, and was seemingly wanting to tell me something when I dropped them off, but didn't so I didn't think any more about it until this evening when friend had picked up her 2 from me, then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much and was a bit "strict" with them during their early mornings with her.

When I asked her what she meant, there were a few specific things which my friend seems to impose on my children which she obviously does with hers;

  • making sure that their shoes are clean, and if they've been in the garden and they're a bit muddy then they have to be wiped clean (uppers not just soles)
  • they have to spend 15 minutes doing their reading books (mine do this night before but she makes hers and mine do it too)
  • she fills their water bottles with bottled water, tells them it's better for them than tap water (which I fill them with)
  • makes them do up their ties/top buttons, even though they're more comfortable undone and school isn't bothered

I'm not sure whether this is just me being picky, or I have lax standards, or whether I should just be grateful that she's able to take them at that time in the morning and drop at school etc? Or should I say something?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 20/04/2023 07:15

I think you can only express to your daughter that this family does things a little differently and that it is okay. There are sure to be things that differ after school for her kids when you pick them up. The advantages far out weigh the disadvantages.

She does you a great favour three mornings per week.

The reading has to happen or her kids would rebel. (I read that kids reading at night and in the morning strengthens two different parts of the brain/memory, so not all bad.)

The water is fine - given that they drink tap water with you.

The shoes are fine - an awareness of other families rules.

The buttons are fine and you can tell your kids that they can unbutton their collars as soon as they get hot - but to be polite to Mrs XXX.
It's good that your kids communicate with you.

RoseGoldEagle · 20/04/2023 07:18

Do you send them with their bottles already filled OP? I think if she’s pouring their water out and refilling them, that would be odd. But if they’re empty or need refilling- well she clearly thinks bottled water is better (wouldn’t be my choice but I can’t get too upset about it), and given that’s her view, of course she’ll fill your kids up with that too- it would actually be weird otherwise given that’s how she feels.

Whattodoaboutpox · 20/04/2023 17:51

Its that or breakfast club isnt it

H007 · 20/04/2023 18:11

Apart from the bottled water you are being unreasonable. You are asking for a favour and she is treating your kids like she treats her own, I imagine you in return treat hers like you treat yours, it’s just different, it’s not wrong…. Except the bottled water that is definitely wrong.

Lifethroughlenses · 20/04/2023 18:17

If someone looks after your kids, they have to abide by their rules. Same as grandparents, play dates et. I wouldn’t make an issue but if any one of them particularly does, I reckon you could mention one (but only one). Any more and you will risk the deal.

LaMaG · 20/04/2023 18:20

Omg what a control freak she is! She believes she knows better than you how you present your kids and what water they drink. I would not be happy at all but at the same time it's probably not falling out over. Do her kids come to yours? Wouldn't you love to fill them up with sugar and have them playing in mud when she collects 😄"my house my rules" works both ways!!

Mumof3confused · 20/04/2023 18:21

The water and buttons is odd but hopefully her kids get the benefit of seeing the flip side of a relaxed household whilst with you. Different families do things differently and as long as the kids don’t feel that she’s stepped on one of their boundaries, I’d expect them to play along with it. If anything does upset them, you could coach them to say something - politely - and this would also be a good experience for them.

LaMaG · 20/04/2023 18:24

Sorry just seeing you already said you keep them a few hours. I bet you don't tell them how they should look. She sounds ridiculous IMO

restingbitchface30 · 20/04/2023 18:34

She sounds amazing. Can I borrow her?!

Thoughtful2355 · 20/04/2023 18:51

no that sounds perfectly fine. What does it matter that shes changing theyre tap water for bottled water?? sounds like she really cares.

Beachbreak2411 · 20/04/2023 18:57

She’s got her kids in a great routine and habits that suit them! You say thank you to her and leave it at that! Extra reading… brilliant (and if that’s when her kids do it yours would distract them if they didn’t do it too… and wouldn’t be fair on hers)… clean shoes.. ace! Uniform correct.. ace!

pilates · 20/04/2023 18:59

I wouldn’t upset the apple cart. Just explain to DD families do things differently and sometimes we have to accept this especially as she is helping mummy out.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/04/2023 19:03

If my kids voiced these to me I'd tell them to live with it and not give it a second thought.

godmum56 · 20/04/2023 19:12

could this be a bit not what she does but the way that she does it?

PalominoUK · 20/04/2023 19:19

Id rather my kids were with someone who had solid ground rules and expectations than someone who was up in the air about what was expected.

Hobnob22 · 20/04/2023 19:24

All sounds perfectly ideal to me.

Noodles1234 · 20/04/2023 19:24

The shoes thing I get, if they’re running in and out of the garden (8 feet’s and clean floors).

reading that must be her time to get her kids done, it won’t happen if other kids are not reading, it’s a bonus more reading.

top button she’s probably trying to make sure they’re smart for school.
bottled water thing, bit weird but hey they’re getting fancy water for free.

plus you’re getting free childcare, I’d just make it sound fun and leave it x
mid you’re annoyed let the kids run and have fun.

Lovely13 · 20/04/2023 19:29

My kids hated after-school club from age about 8/9, saying it was boring. It probably was. But they were in a safe environment while I was at work. They just had to put up with it. They’re now fully grown and can’t even remember whingeing about it.
Your kids are in a similar situation. It’s not ideal, but they’re being well looked after while you earn money for the family. Explain to them the importance of this.

Runrowdream · 20/04/2023 19:35

She has her kids in a routine and doesn’t want it disrupted by your more relaxed approach. Extra reading will not hurt them , nor will clean shoes and smart uniform . The bottled water thing is unusual but no more than that .

Pixie2015 · 20/04/2023 19:35

I love the shoe bit - wish she was my friend

CottonSock · 20/04/2023 19:40

Say nothing! Don't jepodise the arrangements. Mornings are stressful enough with extra children

diddl · 20/04/2023 19:41

I'm guessing that they have to wear collars & ties?

Seems daft to me to not have to wear them properly.

Rather not have them at all!

MonsterMunchengladbach · 20/04/2023 19:45

Mum2jenny · 19/04/2023 21:25

I’d tell her the contents of my children’s water bottles has fuck all to do with her. But probably phrase it a bit more politely

And you would thereby end a useful arrangement for both of you.

OP, you're right to concede that YA basically BU.

Pollydolly13 · 20/04/2023 19:49

I guess your children need to fit into the routine in her house. She does sound a bit ott. I guess your other option is breakfast club/childminder. I wouldn’t mention it as she is doing you a favour.

diddl · 20/04/2023 19:50

Seems a bit daft to let them into the garden when they are in uniform ready for school!