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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend pissing my children off - do I just tell her?

257 replies

Givenupgivingashit · 19/04/2023 21:16

Ok so may be me or my DD's being oversensitive here, but here goes. My shift patterns have changed so I now have to leave 2 youngest DD's (6&7) with a friend 3 days a week so she can take them to school for me. Return favour is that I can pick up her 2 DDs from school on the same days.

I drop them off at 7.30am, they are ready for school and have had breakfast so all they do is play with her DD's until they leave the house at 8.15ish. This has been the routine for the last 2 weeks since the Easter holidays.

This morning, eldest DD seemed to be a bit quiet when they were on the way to friend's house, and was seemingly wanting to tell me something when I dropped them off, but didn't so I didn't think any more about it until this evening when friend had picked up her 2 from me, then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much and was a bit "strict" with them during their early mornings with her.

When I asked her what she meant, there were a few specific things which my friend seems to impose on my children which she obviously does with hers;

  • making sure that their shoes are clean, and if they've been in the garden and they're a bit muddy then they have to be wiped clean (uppers not just soles)
  • they have to spend 15 minutes doing their reading books (mine do this night before but she makes hers and mine do it too)
  • she fills their water bottles with bottled water, tells them it's better for them than tap water (which I fill them with)
  • makes them do up their ties/top buttons, even though they're more comfortable undone and school isn't bothered

I'm not sure whether this is just me being picky, or I have lax standards, or whether I should just be grateful that she's able to take them at that time in the morning and drop at school etc? Or should I say something?

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 19/04/2023 21:29

What's wrong with tap water?! That would piss me off the most tbh but I wouldn't say anything.

On the nights before your DC go there, don't make them ready their books? Then they can read while they are there instead.

Although at that age they are meant to be listened to aren't they, so how she listens to 4 read at once I don't know!

Do many primary schools make children wear ties?! I didn't think that was common these days.

Unless she's giving them donuts and letting them watch YouTube I would imagine they would much rather be taken too school by you, and that will be feeding into your DD reaction.

Hiddenvoice · 19/04/2023 21:30

I don’t think anything she’s asking is too outrageous. Her children have a routine and she’s trying to keep to it. Instead of having your children run around, she asks them to also read their books.
It’s just good manners to wipe shoes after playing outside. The water thing is weird but maybe one of your dd’s asked about it at the start so now she’s filling their bottles up.
The buttoning/ sorting ties is for them to look smart. She likes them all to look the same.

If it bothers you then speak to your friend but you’re both doing each other a favour and it’s nothing bad really. You could explain to your dd that it’s your friends rules for the house

shakeitoffsis · 19/04/2023 21:31

Sounds like she's doing a great job to be honest.

ReadersD1gest · 19/04/2023 21:32

Another vote for pay a childminder if you really believe this (clean shoes, tie on straight, reading for 15 minutes! - what on earth is wrong with the last one 😂) is pissing your children off.
Do you prefer them feral?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2023 21:32

If you don't like the way she runs things in her home, stop sending your children there. I think your children need to learn a little resiliency. Not everything can always be the way we prefer it.

Frankenweenie · 19/04/2023 21:33

All seems fine to me. Yeah ok the bottled water thing is fine but it's hardly a big deal. I would be thrilled if someone else was encouraging my child to read more and present themselves smartly. Can I ask why you have a problem with them reading in the morning?

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 19/04/2023 21:34

I guess your children don’t like it - if they have to put up with it then just explain to them that it’s not for long and the arrangement is necessary for whatever reason.

declutteringmymind · 19/04/2023 21:34

I'd make my child go along with that. Her house, her rules. Yes it sucks, but you've got to work and they're safe and well looked after.

Gothambutnotahamster · 19/04/2023 21:34

She sounds like she runs a tight ship & has decent standards, which id expect your DCs to follow in her house as I don't imagine she'd want her own DCs trying to lower their standards because they see your DCs 'getting away' with things.

They need to learn to suck it up (or you need to pay for separate childcare).

Summerfun54321 · 19/04/2023 21:35

What are you like in the morning OP? Fun time mummy? I'm pretty 99% of parents get their kids ready by telling them what to do and making them look presentable. It's the least fun time of the day trying to get the kids off to school. Your friend deserves a medal. Picking them up and taking them home is the easy bit. Your kids have to do what hers do otherwise they'll be a distraction.

summerpoolandsun · 19/04/2023 21:35

Can she help with mine

ReadersD1gest · 19/04/2023 21:36

declutteringmymind · 19/04/2023 21:34

I'd make my child go along with that. Her house, her rules. Yes it sucks, but you've got to work and they're safe and well looked after.

How exactly does it suck?

321user123 · 19/04/2023 21:36

Wtf have I just read? 😂
I don’t see a problem with this all.
You do things in a way and she does hers in another DD sucks it up for half an hour not the end of the world.

EllenLRipley · 19/04/2023 21:36

If she didn't make your DC read/do buttons up etc she would have har own DC giving her backchat every day. She is doing you a favour here. I'd say thanks and explain to your DC it someone else's house you follow their rules.

electriclight · 19/04/2023 21:39

Your kids have to fit in with hers if they're going there before school.

Her kids won't want to read or clean their shoes or straighten their ties if yours aren't.

Don't you make her kids fit in with your routine when you pick up after school?

goodkidsmaadhouse · 19/04/2023 21:39

then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much

On reflection I wonder if it's the way she's asking your kids to do things rather than the actual things themselves. Does anyone remember the Ramona book when she realises that her friend's Grandma, who watches her after school, doesn't like her? It's a really really uncomfortable feeling as a child to think that an adult who is looking after you might not like you.

electriclight · 19/04/2023 21:40

YABU. Do not 'just tell her.' You will look foolish.

Spiderboy · 19/04/2023 21:40

I don’t really “get” the water thing but for the most part that all sounds good? I certainly wouldn’t have any issues and I’d be really grateful they are helping.

alyceflowers · 19/04/2023 21:40

It's clearly just easier for her to treat all children the same.
Rather than have hers moaning 'why do we have to read when they are playing', 'why do we have to do our buttons up, they don't'

It's not something I'd fuss about, different houses different rules.

ToWhitToWhoo · 19/04/2023 21:41

I don't think any of these are too bad TBH. Assuming that she is setting the same rules for your children as for her own, it doesn't mean that she dislikes them.

Cherrysherbet · 19/04/2023 21:41

I think you have a good thing going here, and you should keep your mouth shut!
This is really not a big deal.

TempName247 · 19/04/2023 21:41

Cut their top buttons off

declutteringmymind · 19/04/2023 21:41

@ReadersD1gest. My children might moan at her style, which is different to mine but they would have to respect it.

Sillybollocks · 19/04/2023 21:42

Tell the kids that different people have different routines to make sure they get to school and work on time with everything they need. She's just making them fit in with her routine. The water is a bit odd but let them know that's just her house rules. They can undo their buttons at school and what harm can 15 mins extra reading do? I don't think there's a problem anyway but wouldn't rock the boat on this since you've got the easier end of the deal in all honesty.

SeaDee · 19/04/2023 21:43

I used to have my friend's kids for a sleepover once a week when she and her dh had a tricky shift pattern. They did their homework when my kids did and went to bed when my kids went to bed. You can't have one set of rules for your kids and another for the kids you're looking after.