Friend pissing my children off - do I just tell her?

[Givenupgivingashit]

Ok so may be me or my DD's being oversensitive here, but here goes. My shift patterns have changed so I now have to leave 2 youngest DD's (6&7) with a friend 3 days a week so she can take them to school for me. Return favour is that I can pick up her 2 DDs from school on the same days.

I drop them off at 7.30am, they are ready for school and have had breakfast so all they do is play with her DD's until they leave the house at 8.15ish. This has been the routine for the last 2 weeks since the Easter holidays.

This morning, eldest DD seemed to be a bit quiet when they were on the way to friend's house, and was seemingly wanting to tell me something when I dropped them off, but didn't so I didn't think any more about it until this evening when friend had picked up her 2 from me, then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much and was a bit "strict" with them during their early mornings with her.

When I asked her what she meant, there were a few specific things which my friend seems to impose on my children which she obviously does with hers;

• making sure that their shoes are clean, and if they've been in the garden and they're a bit muddy then they have to be wiped clean (uppers not just soles)
• they have to spend 15 minutes doing their reading books (mine do this night before but she makes hers and mine do it too)
• she fills their water bottles with bottled water, tells them it's better for them than tap water (which I fill them with)
• makes them do up their ties/top buttons, even though they're more comfortable undone and school isn't bothered

I'm not sure whether this is just me being picky, or I have lax standards, or whether I should just be grateful that she's able to take them at that time in the morning and drop at school etc? Or should I say something?

You either accept how she does things or pay a childminder.
Clean shoes and extra reading are good.
I couldn't be bothered by any of it tbh.

Her house, her routine and your kids need to fit into this. None of this is abusive, just different to the way you do things.

If you spoke to me about those issues I’d consider it best that you take your own kids to school then. God forbid she make sure they’ve read and look smart.

she has her schedule and her rules to ensure her kids look tidy and have done their homework.
It’s probably hard to enforce that if your children aren’t following the house rules.
the bottle thing isn’t ideal but she’s doing you a favour and providing free childcare. If the arrangement otherwise works and the childcare is free and your children are safe I’d keep my mouth shut personally.
maybe dd just doesn’t like being away, it doesn’t sound like the mum dislikes them, she’s treating them the same as her own dc.

She is doing you a favour and for that then your kids need to fit in with her routine (which sounds like a pretty good routine to me!!)

The water thing is confusing me though, why is this bothering you? It's not like she is filling up the kids bottles with vodka or battery acid?

She can mind my dc anytime. What’s not to like? She runs a tight ship and what’s wrong with that. Be very thankful that you have such a responsible person caring for your children. From your description, she will be diligent in making sure your children are safe and secure. You’ve found a gem. A little discipline won’t hurt your eldest, she’s just not used to it (yet) 😀😂

She's got your children's best interests in mind and treats them as her own. Just because she does things differently to you isn't something to complain about unless it was harming them. I bet she has thought things about how your household do things with her children after school too! She seems to have the better half of the arrangement because you have them for a good few hours each time. It would cost £20 for that here per child whereas a breakfast club for half an hour is £5.

I think it shows she’s weirdly controlling. Their mum has provided a drink, but she thinks she knows better. Yes, it’s just water, but who would actually do what she is and change it? Total freak.

I agree with others that these are not hills to die on. She's doing you a huge favour and making sure your dc fit in with her routine - it's a good opportunity to teach your children about respecting other people's household rules and ways of living, and of sucking up minor things because someone is helping you out.

If she wants to waste money on bottled water for your two then fine and they can always undo their top buttons after they've been dropped off.

Id just tell my kids to keep their water bottle in their bag, or would she just go through their bag? 😬

Tell them to say that mum/dad said their top button is ok undone.

It's probably just because they're not at home. No other person will treat your children the exact same way you do because they are not you. Even if you change childcare provider, they still won't be you and the children will still feel a difference. You need to help your children to understand that "different" is not bad or wrong.

It won’t hurt your DD to see how other children live.
As long as she’s not criticising you or hurting your DDs I wouldnt worry.

Where does it say the other mum changes it though?

The OP just says she sends the children to school with tap water in their bottles when she fills them, not necessarily that she sends the children to her friend's with tap water and she pours it out in favour of bottled water.

If she is emptying their water bottles just to refill them with bottled water then I'd agree but I took it to be that the children either take empty bottles in the morning and the other mum fills them up with bottled water just before they leave for school or she refills them with bottled water (as opposed to tap water) before they leave because they've drank the water that was already in the bottle whilst at her house.

I'm willing to bet there are random things you and your DC do in the afternoon that piss her kids off! Could be a different type of snack choice, could be changing out of uniform, could be not doing homework or whatever as soon as you get in and then end up doing stuff later. Different families, different routines.

I'd say your kids just need to get use to theirs, or you run the risk of opening a whole discussion to things she'd like you to change!

If she’s not changing it, why would she make the point of telling the kids it’s healthier?

And the top button thing is controlling too. The kids should just say no.

Clean shoes and extra reading – I'd be glad someone else is instilling bonus good habits in my kids without me putting any effort lol

Tap water – I wouldn't pick a fight over this, so long as my kids are getting water. If your kids are worried/curious, just tell them the bottled vs tap water thing is a myth

Do up ties/top buttons – if my kids were very uncomfortable, I would maybe mention this one to her politely. But if you think it does no harm apart from annoyance, or is a good habit for your kids, leave it

She could easily be re-filling the empty/half empty water with bottled water, while saying "bottled water is better than tap water"

While I might speak up if my kids were uncomfortable, I don't think attire standards are controlling. Some parents have higher expectations of their children. I am not one of those parents lol. But neatly presenting yourself is an essential life skill not all children get to learn! Plus she's probably only doing it with OP's kids so her own kids don't ask "how come they can get away with it?"

Awww for goodness sake it's the same kindof thing I would do without thinking when I have friends kids over, just dive in and treat them like my own and no harm in it at all. Maybe if you know there going to read at hers then let them off it at yours and do something else. There's no harm meant you need to make sure your kids know that. I would be more than grateful my kids were being well looked after than not.

My daughter would have told her that bottled water in plastic bottles was bad for the planet and would have kept her water bottle in her hand if necessary. 😬 and she’d have refused to have the top button done up no matter what anyone told her.

Not that my friends would have done any of this anyway other than possibly the mud on the shoes thing.

You have a good thing going here - a friend you can trust
a friend who treats your children the same as her own
the reading practice is good for them
the shoes and button only amount to a different emphasis on appearance.
You are being picky if this is all that disturbs the children. The only problematic thing I can think of is that your daughter is silent when she comes home. Is she fretting? Does your other daughter complain too? What does DD1 mean by 'strict". Is it only the different routine or is your friend shouting at them or somethin?

Yeah but that's coming from a child (your daughter)... I think for an adult (OP) to get involved would be too much of a petty power struggle.

I just don't think clean shoes, buttoned tops and extra reading time are the end of the world?? That's why I read it as a tiny bit of a power struggle

The friend probably can't be arsed about OP's kids, but she has to use the same standards in case her own kids complain

I’d say it for my children if necessary rather than them having them upset. It’s not a big issue for someone to just leave a water bottle alone or not comment on their appearance. Just don’t do it. It’s not necessary and it’s bothering the kids. It’s not a power struggle to speak up for your kids, if she takes it as one, it shows she’s a weirdo and I wouldn’t want my kids with her anyway.

Probably better to just get a childminder. This woman can’t be that much of a friend if OP can’t chat honestly about this sort of thing.

Having looked at the title of your thread again, compared to what is actually happening, you are being very unreasonable!!

Your kids need to learn that other people do things differently and if you genuinely have an issue with it, start paying for a child minder.

I suspect the kids don't like going because they are being made to do homework before school, no kid likes doing homework so that could be the issue.

The water thing is a bit odd but no major issue.

I think you need to tell your kids it's their routine and they need to fit into that. If you mention all this to your friend you risk losing the childcare as she may start to feel awkward.

Does the school have a breakfast club as you may not want to rely on your friend long term?

Commenting on appearance (eg fat, or even scruffy if child happens to be the messy kind) is unacceptable, but let's not conflate simple instructions concerning clean shoes and buttons with that... If my child is physically uncomfortable, yes I would politely say something, but framing it as "commenting on their appearance" comes across as exaggeration tbh. Why stir up drama unnecessarily

I would also rather someone filled my child's water bottle than left it empty. I wouldn't take it personally if they preferred bottled water

Yes agreed child minder would be better overall