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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend pissing my children off - do I just tell her?

257 replies

Givenupgivingashit · 19/04/2023 21:16

Ok so may be me or my DD's being oversensitive here, but here goes. My shift patterns have changed so I now have to leave 2 youngest DD's (6&7) with a friend 3 days a week so she can take them to school for me. Return favour is that I can pick up her 2 DDs from school on the same days.

I drop them off at 7.30am, they are ready for school and have had breakfast so all they do is play with her DD's until they leave the house at 8.15ish. This has been the routine for the last 2 weeks since the Easter holidays.

This morning, eldest DD seemed to be a bit quiet when they were on the way to friend's house, and was seemingly wanting to tell me something when I dropped them off, but didn't so I didn't think any more about it until this evening when friend had picked up her 2 from me, then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much and was a bit "strict" with them during their early mornings with her.

When I asked her what she meant, there were a few specific things which my friend seems to impose on my children which she obviously does with hers;

  • making sure that their shoes are clean, and if they've been in the garden and they're a bit muddy then they have to be wiped clean (uppers not just soles)
  • they have to spend 15 minutes doing their reading books (mine do this night before but she makes hers and mine do it too)
  • she fills their water bottles with bottled water, tells them it's better for them than tap water (which I fill them with)
  • makes them do up their ties/top buttons, even though they're more comfortable undone and school isn't bothered

I'm not sure whether this is just me being picky, or I have lax standards, or whether I should just be grateful that she's able to take them at that time in the morning and drop at school etc? Or should I say something?

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 19/04/2023 22:57

Op my morning routine is this..,

Me up at 6am to shower and get ready.. 6:45 me getting the kids up (age 5 and 7 but total teenagers in waiting!)... 7am final holler to get up as their breakfast is ready.. 7:05 DH takes over as I run out the door to head to work..

By 7:30 all 3 are on their way to breakfast club and work!

You are being ridiculous.. tell your kids to stop moaning about non issues!! Do you complain about their teachers regularly?! With the "buttons" comment you don't seem to care for school rules etc!

Bunce1 · 19/04/2023 22:58

I don’t have a problem with any of it except the top buttons and collar thing. That would annoy me but I would also get over it.

yoire more slovenly. She’s a bit uptight. ((Shrugs))

Greenfinch7 · 19/04/2023 22:59

I can certainly see why all of this is uncomfortable for your children.

The water would bother me and would have bothered my kids, because I always told them bottled water was an environmental catastrophe. It creates pointless and endless plastic waste and terrible pollution from shipping something heavy around on lorries which we are so privileged to have safely and abundantly piped into our homes.

Probably your children are used to a different spirit and environment in the morning and feel uncomfortable because she has a family with lots of rules and regulations. She might have an officious style when talking to them. I can't imagine telling visiting kids to do up buttons. It would feel really rude to me.

The reading seems fine, but if I were her, I would explain to your kids why reading before school is something she likes to encourage, and I would set up a comfortable corner for them to sit in, and try to make it into a nice moment for them.

SassyPants87 · 19/04/2023 23:01

I really wish I had my shit together like your friend 😂

Strawberrydelight78 · 19/04/2023 23:01

Is that it? 😳

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 19/04/2023 23:02

Sounds like she's got standards...

NameChange647 · 19/04/2023 23:02

All sounds weird except from the shoe thing. I'd put up with it though since she's helping you out. Just impose your rules on her kids when you have them after school 🤷🏻‍♀️

InvincibleInvisibility · 19/04/2023 23:02

How is it slovenly to do the reading books the night before and use tap water instead of bottled????

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 19/04/2023 23:05

I had a similar arrangement for a while where I was your friend.
Every home had a different rhythm and routine of course and it is really really disruptive to have kids in your house who don't fall into step with what's going on because then their presence completely derails/distracts your own kids from what they need to do and the morning goes to pot.

She could adjust her routine to match your kids expectations but it would be much healthier and easier for you to support your friend, tell your kids she's just being a good mum and though it may be different that's not a bad thing and they should respect her wishes for the help she is giving.

Your child will benefit from seeing her perspective and being adaptable.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2023 23:07

Small change for free childcare...

StarDolphins · 19/04/2023 23:07

Her house, her routine. I often take friends kids to school & they fit in with my routine, they have to walk our dog once we’re parked at school etc. all good. They can do what they choose at home. Doesn’t even sound like anything unreasonable.

Baabaa75 · 19/04/2023 23:08

Oh god no don't say anything, these are all normal things to do in the morning and she's doing you a favour. If you spoke to me about any of this you'd be taking your own kids in from tomorrow 🤷

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 19/04/2023 23:09

Only thing I would mention to friend is the top button. Neither my kids are comfortable having their top button done up and neither could undo it again themselves. Everything else I would ask your kids to accept as her way of doing things.

HolyMolyGuacamole222 · 19/04/2023 23:13

These things are what she wants from her own children and so yours have to do the same. Water bottle one is odd though.

TheMiddleOfTheMiddle · 19/04/2023 23:14

Thursa · 19/04/2023 22:51

Having two extra children in the house at 7:30 in the morning seems like a huge favour to me. I’d hate it. It makes sense for your children to follow the house rules.

I used to have my friends kids for the hour before school twice a week.

I didn’t mess with the drink that their parents had provided for them. I think that’s really overstepping, even though it’s swapping for similar. Maybe she’ll start swapping their tomatoes on their sandwiches for her organic ones or their white bread for her wholemeal next week as it’s healthier. 😬 So bloody weird.

The commenting and changing how they wear their uniform is also overstepping.

SheSaidHummingbird · 19/04/2023 23:16

Anyone else envisioning Mary Poppins?

Feraldogmum · 19/04/2023 23:17

Well the first two sound fine. If she wants to fill up their bottles with bottled water then that’s ok as long as she doesn’t start charging you for it ,or expect you to provide it for her kids whilst they’re waiting pick up ,as for doing up top button ,personally I think that’s overstepping the mark .
If your kids know they can unbutton once they’re at school that’s the important thing, being comfy is surely more conducive to effective learning than fidgeting and being distracted.
It may be best to suck it up and just tell your daughters that this is just her way of doing things and it’s polite to do as she wishes whilst they are there .However if it does really irk you and you cannot ignore it,you could just have a casual word and say something along the lines of them not liking being so restricted,that the school is ok with it because after all the most important thing is they can concentrate undestracted. Though there is always the possibility that she’s this as an attack on her methods.
Guess it all hinges on whether you think it’s worth rocking the boat or if you can gauge ( without being a mind reader) her potential reaction.

IfuWannaBmyLover · 19/04/2023 23:18

Sounds like she’s very disciplined

It’s a good learning opportunity for the children

I’d have no problem with it.

EconomyClassRockstar · 19/04/2023 23:18

I was asked to walk my friend's child to school as a favour but apparently it was "weird" that I got my kids (and included theirs) doing verbal spellings on the walk to school. That was literally the only time I had in the day to concentrate on spellings with 4 very young children. Everyone has their morning routines and that was just part of mine.

The only thing I would find odd is the pouring out of the water, especially as she has no idea where the water came from in the first place. Mine comes from a filter in the fridge which is way better for the environment that plastic bottles.

Happytohelp2 · 19/04/2023 23:20

If you need her to carry on looking after your kids then you can’t ask her to change these things but you also should make sure your kids feel listened to by you. I’d suggest you let them skip or shorten their reading time the nights before they go to hers and make it a ‘treat’ by doing something they enjoy instead - maybe playing a game together or you reading to them? Then they can’t resent having to read at hers.
you can also explain to them that at other people’s houses things may be different. The bottled water isn’t doing them any harm. The shoe issue - maybe they could have some spare wellies at hers so they don’t get their shoes dirty and hence won’t need to clean them? The shirt button they can undo again when they get into school.
Maybe you do some things when you have her kids that they’re uncomfortable with - like making them drink tap water?!

Dishwashy · 19/04/2023 23:25

Katey83 · 19/04/2023 22:10

There’s a saying in scriptwriting when someone gives you feedback ‘look for the note behind the note.’ This is a note behind the note (‘she is strict and hates us’) situation.

When I was a kid my mum used to leave us with a childminder 3 mornings and 1 evening a week. We hated the minder and thought she was mean and strict and hated us. Looking back, what we hated was not being in our own home with our mum where we felt safe, loved and comfortable. Nothing your kids have said indicates neglect- your friend is just including your kids in her normal
routine and it likely feels not nice to them because they are not in their own home which is familiar and relaxing. Perhaps this is about thinking through how you get them to recognise the source of their discomfort and work through feelings rather than making an issue of something that is not your friend’s problem.

This. Your kids are having several extra hours a week with their friends including all evening (from their point of view) and she might be struggling with that. Being in their space, having them in her space, missing you. I would not take it at face value.

The water thing sounds a bit weird. I wonder if your DD is bigging things up a bit to get you to listen. We've done reciprocal childcare though not so much every week, and headspace wise I think for some kids it's harder than being at breakfast club/after school club as that is a more natural extension of school.

melj1213 · 19/04/2023 23:29

So she makes your children read in the morning, drink bottled water and leave her house looking smart with clean shoes and buttons/ties done up properly? Such awful free childcare!

YABU - she will have your kids read because in her house reading is done in the morning but will be a nightmare to control if her kids have to read and yours are playing.

The shoes is perfectly understandable - if the kids all play out in the garden and get muddy then it is perfectly reasonable for her to ask them to clean their shoes before they leave. Firstly so they don't traipse extra dirt into her house (if they're in the back garden and have to walk through the house) or car and secondly because she won't want people thinking she lets the children go to school dirty when a quick swipe with a cloth will fix the issue before the mid dries on and makes it harder to clean off.

The bottled water is personal preference - if you're sending them with full water bottles and she tips it out to refill them with bottled water then she would be unreasonable as it's a waste. However, if they go with empty bottles, or they drink them at her house so she is refilling them, then let her be the one to spend money on bottled water unnecessarily it's hardly like she's sending them to school with water dredged out of a ditch at the bottom of the garden.

The clothes is also not unreasonable - if she wants her children to look smart and follow the rules on uniform being worn correctly (whether or not the school are strict on it) then top buttons should be done properly, shirts tucked in etc so you start the day off looking your best and if your children are also there then she is going to ask the same of them.

DDs primary school wasn't super strict about uniform being worn correctly especially in the lower years when they were still learning how to dress themselves properly but her secondary school does - they're very strict with both the correct items of uniform being worn as well as it all being worn correctly ie top buttons done up, shirts tucked in, ties fastened properly etc - and students get detention once they have accumulated a certain number of demerits for uniform infractions. So many children were in detention in the first couple of terms and used the excuse of "<primary school> didn't make them wear their uniform correctly, they're not used to it!".

girlswillbegirls · 19/04/2023 23:33

goodkidsmaadhouse · 19/04/2023 21:39

then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much

On reflection I wonder if it's the way she's asking your kids to do things rather than the actual things themselves. Does anyone remember the Ramona book when she realises that her friend's Grandma, who watches her after school, doesn't like her? It's a really really uncomfortable feeling as a child to think that an adult who is looking after you might not like you.

I agree with this. The OP's daughter is sensing she is not being liked by the way this mum is talking to her.
For people who are praising the "very high standards" this was my own mother back kn the day, 24/7 and my own experience wasn't very positive. It is posible that this lady is as controling and critical as my own mother and the OP's daughter is not feeling very happy in her company.

PS: bottled water is more likely to contain bacteria compared to tap water. Don't want this to be outing but it's my area of work.

starfishmummy · 19/04/2023 23:35

Id let it go.

If it's her kids routine to read in the morning then she's not going to want your kids disrupting that so I don't see the issue with them doing some extra reading.

Making sure their shoes are clean is fine too.

The others are a bit over the top in my opinion ion but harmless enough

ImAvingOops · 19/04/2023 23:39

I think your kids would just prefer to be at home, but unfortunately can't.
Try to see it as a good thing she's so engaged with your kids and treating them as she does her own. Much better than having a person mind them who doesn't give a shit.
Even if you had a CM, they would have to fit in with her routine.

Given this routine works for you both I'm in the leave well alone camp

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