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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend pissing my children off - do I just tell her?

257 replies

Givenupgivingashit · 19/04/2023 21:16

Ok so may be me or my DD's being oversensitive here, but here goes. My shift patterns have changed so I now have to leave 2 youngest DD's (6&7) with a friend 3 days a week so she can take them to school for me. Return favour is that I can pick up her 2 DDs from school on the same days.

I drop them off at 7.30am, they are ready for school and have had breakfast so all they do is play with her DD's until they leave the house at 8.15ish. This has been the routine for the last 2 weeks since the Easter holidays.

This morning, eldest DD seemed to be a bit quiet when they were on the way to friend's house, and was seemingly wanting to tell me something when I dropped them off, but didn't so I didn't think any more about it until this evening when friend had picked up her 2 from me, then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much and was a bit "strict" with them during their early mornings with her.

When I asked her what she meant, there were a few specific things which my friend seems to impose on my children which she obviously does with hers;

making sure that their shoes are clean, and if they've been in the garden and they're a bit muddy then they have to be wiped clean (uppers not just soles)
they have to spend 15 minutes doing their reading books (mine do this night before but she makes hers and mine do it too)
she fills their water bottles with bottled water, tells them it's better for them than tap water (which I fill them with)
makes them do up their ties/top buttons, even though they're more comfortable undone and school isn't bothered

I'm not sure whether this is just me being picky, or I have lax standards, or whether I should just be grateful that she's able to take them at that time in the morning and drop at school etc? Or should I say something?

OP posts:

Heckythump1 · 19/04/2023 21:45

Her house, her rules.

fortnumsfinest · 19/04/2023 21:46

None of it sounds too bad to me.
Do you just pick her DC's up and drop them off back at hers or do you have them at your house for a time?
If it's the former I wouldn't say anything, she's doing you a massive favour.

liveforsummer · 19/04/2023 21:47

Having extra dc in the morning isn't really comparable to having them after school. It's a totally different dynamic. After school is way more relaxed. She's just fitting them in with her morning routine with as little disruption as possible by the sounds of it. Yes she has higher standards than you (and me) but can see why she wants your dc the same as hers in this situation

JudgeRudy · 19/04/2023 21:49

I don't think you necessarily have lax standards but yes, I think you're being unreasonable. None of what youve mentioned sounds outside of normal. It might not be your way, but its not way off average.
l bet you do things with her children that she wouldnt do. You do it because it's what works for you and your children and you expect her children to slot in. ....just as she does.
Of the 2 of you I think she has the harder job. I'd find mornings far more stressful. You say yours are sorted and they do is play for a bit. Maybe she's trying to get her two to calm down and do their reading whilst your 2 run amok. It's just a different view point.
On a plus, it's great to hear of 2 friends helping each other out. No CF, no big bust ups, no lies or shouting. Great. Count your blessings and don't be so precious. This is a good life lesson for your children too.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/04/2023 21:50

I don't think it's too early for them to learn that one has to adapt to other situations. None of her expectations seems unreasonable. Maybe it's a bit much telling them to do up their buttons but after all her own kids are there too, and perhaps she doesn't want her teachings undermined.

Surely your children can understand that different homes have different practices, and that it's polite to fit in. Especially when a significant favour is involved.

In jobs, in future social situations, in life, they are going to have to sometimes do things they find strange or unpleasant. Welcome to the world.

FamilyLife2point4 · 19/04/2023 21:50

She’s treating them exact same as her own …. I wouldn’t say anything tbh

ejbaxa · 19/04/2023 21:53

Your kids have to abide by the rules she sets for her own kids.

I don't think that any of what she does is particularly unreasonable.

-she's allowed to insist on clean shoes/no mud in her house
-she clearly uses the time for reading, fine
-bottled water is a bit odd, but I don't think it's a problem
-doing up the top buttons etc is making them look smart, so fine. Do your kids need bigger shirts if the top button is too tight? Mine are forced to have top button done up so I buy bigger shirts to make it comfortable.

Moveoverdarlin · 19/04/2023 21:53

So she’s cleaning your children’s shoes, making them read their books and is giving them mineral water, then takes them to school to help you out. Ummmm….yeah I wouldn’t say anything.

RightOnTheEdge · 19/04/2023 21:54

If I was your friend and you you had a word with me about it, I'd tell you it's probably better if you took them to school yourself from now on.

None of those things sound bad to me.
Why does it matter to your dc what water they have? Even if it is a bit weird of your friend it tastes the same and it's her money she's wasting.
She probably just finds it easier to treat all the kids the same so hers don't moan.

You should just be grateful she's helping you out.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 19/04/2023 21:55

Well the bottled water one is bonkers but the rest of it is completely reasonable. Going to school looking clean and smart and having done some reading is not an issue and I can’t believe you think it is!

Bananaduck · 19/04/2023 21:55

I'd just say 'thanks for this massive favour, lifesaver friend' and leave it at that.

If there is anything you don't like about the way she looks after them your only option is to stop bringing them round. She isn't running a business. You can't put in a complaint. You don't have to put up with her treating your children badly (if she ever does) but you can't tell her what to do. You can just stop using her as childcare.

Goldbar · 19/04/2023 21:56

This is definitely in the "suck it up, buttercup" category. None of this amounts to anything approaching mistreatment of your kids and it's not a bad lesson to learn to accept very minor irritations with grace and equanimity.

MelchiorsMistress · 19/04/2023 21:56

She’s doing you a massive favour so your kids have to fit in with her kids.

Do you really think it’s going to help her children read if yours are there playing? Or do you just not give a shit about the ease of her morning despite her dealing with two extra children for you?

GhostBridezilla · 19/04/2023 21:56

This is such a mumsnet complaint 😂

I’d be over the moon if someone made my child read, cleaned their shoes and gave them water… 😑

TeamSleep · 19/04/2023 21:56

Do you fill your children’s water bottles before you drop them to hers and she empties them and puts in bottled water? That’s pretty crazy if so. If you don’t fill their water bottles before you drop them off then just make sure you do in future. The reading is amazing, the shoes, great, the tie and top button is the one I’d say is the one you can bring up to get that your children don’t like.

momonpurpose · 19/04/2023 21:57

I'm sorry but she is doing you a big favor. There might be things you do that she wouldn't approve of either.

Phoebo · 19/04/2023 21:58

Whatabouteverything · 19/04/2023 21:18

All sounds fairly reasonable to Me. I can't really see an issue. Just tell your kids that's her rules and once they're at school they can open their top buttons if they're bothered. She's not doing anything wrong.

This! It doesn't even sound like a big deal, might be good for your kids to learn some tips! Plus she's doing you a favour.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/04/2023 22:02

Different houses have different rules and you and your children need to except that. It's highly likely her kids are going home in the afternoon criticising how you look after them

BlackBarbies · 19/04/2023 22:04

You need to get a grip. She’s doing you a favour no? If you don’t like her slotting your DD into her children’s routine then pay for a childminder?

I don’t even see this as her being strict but I guess everyone is different. Your DD just needs to get on with it or you need to find childcare elsewhere

Schnooze · 19/04/2023 22:04

Mornings are horrible. She’s not going to change her routines and you shouldn’t ask her to. If it was me it wouldn’t take much for me to opt out of the arrangement. Does she need you as much as you need her?

BlackBarbies · 19/04/2023 22:05

GhostBridezilla · 19/04/2023 21:56

This is such a mumsnet complaint 😂

I’d be over the moon if someone made my child read, cleaned their shoes and gave them water… 😑

Literally!!

Vee1987 · 19/04/2023 22:06

I don’t blame her for making sure their shoes are free of mud if they’re in her house.
With the reading, I’d be grateful they’re getting 15 mins. extra reading. She can’t expect her kids to take it seriously if yours are left to play during her kids’ reading time. The need to read without distractions.
It’s not like she’s swapping and wasting your bottled water by pouring it out for tap water. I think it’s kind of her to give her bottled water although I’m not sure why it’s needed. Tap water is fine.
With the ties, she’s adhering to the actual uniform policy perhaps - despite the school’s slack approach to ensuring it’s enforced.

I think she’s trying to be consistent so her kids don’t complain that “This child doesn’t have to do that!” I personally agree with her approach with most things. I try to avoid excessive TV for mine but have a neighbour whose kids seem to alternate between watching YouTube on the TV and on the mum’s phone. It’s difficult to explain to mine when they see the difference but it’s up to people how they bring up their kids. Each to their own so I couldn’t ask the neighbour to not let my kids watch it if I was happy for her to help with childcare.

converseandjeans · 19/04/2023 22:07

No don't tell her! She is doing you a favour. Before school is hard work as it is without other kids there. She sounds really organised!

Katey83 · 19/04/2023 22:10

There’s a saying in scriptwriting when someone gives you feedback ‘look for the note behind the note.’ This is a note behind the note (‘she is strict and hates us’) situation.

When I was a kid my mum used to leave us with a childminder 3 mornings and 1 evening a week. We hated the minder and thought she was mean and strict and hated us. Looking back, what we hated was not being in our own home with our mum where we felt safe, loved and comfortable. Nothing your kids have said indicates neglect- your friend is just including your kids in her normal
routine and it likely feels not nice to them because they are not in their own home which is familiar and relaxing. Perhaps this is about thinking through how you get them to recognise the source of their discomfort and work through feelings rather than making an issue of something that is not your friend’s problem.

snowydays10 · 19/04/2023 22:12

How is proving your children with bottled water (at her expense) instead of tap water strict? Sounds like you don’t have any rules in your house and let your children do as they please. And this lady is doing you a favour! Crazy!

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