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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend pissing my children off - do I just tell her?

257 replies

Givenupgivingashit · 19/04/2023 21:16

Ok so may be me or my DD's being oversensitive here, but here goes. My shift patterns have changed so I now have to leave 2 youngest DD's (6&7) with a friend 3 days a week so she can take them to school for me. Return favour is that I can pick up her 2 DDs from school on the same days.

I drop them off at 7.30am, they are ready for school and have had breakfast so all they do is play with her DD's until they leave the house at 8.15ish. This has been the routine for the last 2 weeks since the Easter holidays.

This morning, eldest DD seemed to be a bit quiet when they were on the way to friend's house, and was seemingly wanting to tell me something when I dropped them off, but didn't so I didn't think any more about it until this evening when friend had picked up her 2 from me, then DD said that she thought that the friend didn't seem to like them very much and was a bit "strict" with them during their early mornings with her.

When I asked her what she meant, there were a few specific things which my friend seems to impose on my children which she obviously does with hers;

  • making sure that their shoes are clean, and if they've been in the garden and they're a bit muddy then they have to be wiped clean (uppers not just soles)
  • they have to spend 15 minutes doing their reading books (mine do this night before but she makes hers and mine do it too)
  • she fills their water bottles with bottled water, tells them it's better for them than tap water (which I fill them with)
  • makes them do up their ties/top buttons, even though they're more comfortable undone and school isn't bothered

I'm not sure whether this is just me being picky, or I have lax standards, or whether I should just be grateful that she's able to take them at that time in the morning and drop at school etc? Or should I say something?

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 19/04/2023 22:12

And OP when you have her DCs in the evenings, do you follow her rules or yours? Does she then have to deal with her DCs saying why don't we do it like...Well, your username might give you away.

Maybe she deals with any reaction from her DCs because she too has to.

Beginningless · 19/04/2023 22:13

I agree with others, none of this is a big deal. And I think if you are being honest, a more accurate title would be ‘friend doing things that piss ME off’. It looks like you feel slighted by her cleaning and straightening of your children (inside and out with her bizarre water views) which I do understand. But this is her and her ways, and given none of it is in the slightest bit harmful, it’s a good opportunity to teach your children to tolerate different views politely.

Cardimum · 19/04/2023 22:13

MiddleParking · 19/04/2023 21:20

Can she help with my kids in the morning too?

Ditto! 😅

WonderingWanda · 19/04/2023 22:13

The bottled water thing would annoy me and it's a bit unhinged that she makes them get their water bottles out to refill. It is not better for you, teach your dc to say 'No thank you, Mummy says it has too much sodium in'.

Sometimes when kids say they think an adult doesn't like them what they are really trying to say politely is 'This adult is a bit odd and I don't like them much'.

Weallgottachangesometime · 19/04/2023 22:15

I think it sounds like she has a very set routine in the morning and if your kids are going there really they have to stick to the same routine or it will be very difficult. Can’t have hers reading, while yours play, or insist hers clean their shoes if yours don’t.

I think maybe pointing out to your children than when in others homes we follow their rules, so long as they don’t harm us, is a good lesson .

C152 · 19/04/2023 22:16

I thought this was going to be about bullying or some sort of extreme behaviour. Sorry OP, but all of those sound like very reasonable rules (ok, the tap water thing is a preference but water is water; if she's happy to fill your kids' water bottles with bottled water she pays for, just send them with empty water bottles).

Franklin2000 · 19/04/2023 22:16

She sounds like she’s just trying to include your children in her morning routine as best she can. If I had extra children to take to school I would make sure they’re all smart regardless of if they’re mine or not. Buttons done, collars smart, shoes cleaned if they’ve been playing out. She may feel extra pressure that the teachers know she’s bringing all the children and doesn’t want them going scruffy. If comments got back that your children were coming to school with buttons undone and dirty shoes would you say anything? It’s really time to speak to your DD and explain she’s doing you a massive favour and presumably saving you money on childcare and to make do, follow her rules and not make a fuss over very minor things.

WilsonMilson · 19/04/2023 22:19

She sounds fantastic, I’d be delighted!

Alwayswonderedwhy · 19/04/2023 22:20

The water thing is a bit odd but everything else sounds fine. If her kids read in the morning it makes sense that she wants yours to sit quietly too.
If you can't fit on with her routine I'd look for a child minder.

I once offered to have my friends kids in the morning before school. Lasted about a week because they ran riot while we were all still trying to get ready.

Original poster
Givenupgivingashit · 19/04/2023 22:29

Yeah I agree, I have got the better end of the deal tbh, mornings are a lot more stressful than after school, and I am very grateful that she's offered to do this for me.
It's interesting to get different opinions on this. Now that it's been discussed I can see that most of the things aren't really a huge issue, just different to what we do so yeah maybe it's a matter of my DDs getting used to different routines

OP posts:
Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 19/04/2023 22:30

I can’t see anything wrong with that

StoneSkipping · 19/04/2023 22:32

Changing your children’s water is a really weird. One of my kids would have changed it at back school.😂 The ties/top button and reading books, she’s probably just trying to be fair to her kids, one of my kids would have just said no to the button being done up. Clean shoes, she doesn’t want mud in her house, fair enough.

If your kids are really unhappy, find a childminder.

Candymay · 19/04/2023 22:33

shakeitoffsis · 19/04/2023 21:31

Sounds like she's doing a great job to be honest.

Absolutely this.
I wish she would help with my children in the morning!

venusandmars · 19/04/2023 22:36

When my dc were young we had a clear 'different families have different rules' statement. So we enforced things other families didn't and visa versa. But the expectation was that if you were in someone else's house you followed their rules (as long as they weren't unsafe or unkind).

UnsureSchool32 · 19/04/2023 22:36

I’d be more appreciative of someone taking in my kids at 730am if I was you! It’s much harder than pick up!

saraclara · 19/04/2023 22:43

The water thing is plain weird (though harmless). The rest is basically doing what her kids do.

What would bother me, and which has largely been ignored on the thread, is that your DD thinks that your friend doesn't like her.
It could just be that your friend is a bit stressy in the morning, but all the same, I'd want to keep tabs on how that goes, and check in with your DD regularly to try to get a picture of why she feels that way.

ReUseRepeat · 19/04/2023 22:47

How long do you watch hers for after school?

Ladybug14 · 19/04/2023 22:48

I thought the mother was going to be bullying your children Confused

Is your daughter usually so sensitive?

Lise86 · 19/04/2023 22:48

Don't see this as unreasonable, we all need to adapt. Good for child development.

Original poster
Givenupgivingashit · 19/04/2023 22:50

ReUseRepeat · 19/04/2023 22:47

How long do you watch hers for after school?

I collect from school at 3.15 and they're with me until 6/7pm depending on time that friend finishes work

OP posts:
FangedFrisbee · 19/04/2023 22:51

If you 'told me' that you had an issue with that I'd 'tell you' to pay for a child minder

Thursa · 19/04/2023 22:51

Having two extra children in the house at 7:30 in the morning seems like a huge favour to me. I’d hate it. It makes sense for your children to follow the house rules.

Weallgottachangesometime · 19/04/2023 22:52

Givenupgivingashit · 19/04/2023 22:50

I collect from school at 3.15 and they're with me until 6/7pm depending on time that friend finishes work

Show quote history

But don’t you get them to do the same as your children when they are with you. Eg same rules about snacks, playing, Tv, school work etc?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 19/04/2023 22:54

I wonder if your DD is more of a homebody and is just a bit upset at having to go to someone else's house before school?

Childcare arrangements like this make sense to the parents but some children can be really sensitive to changes in their routine - maybe she's not happy with your new work patterns, or having to share you so much with the other children, and this is her way of showing it?

RaininSummer · 19/04/2023 22:56

Most of it is probably to avoid a rebellion by her two and to stop them changing their behaviour because yours are there. Seems pretty harmless though no idea why she faffs with the water.