To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

No one should have children and EXPECT help from others. It’s your choice to have kids. I don’t know anyone who has a dog walker and cleaner etc? I feel like you want sympathy for doing what 90% of other families are doing 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are definitely not alone. I think this is life with small children for most people. We had four very quickly, so it was impossible to ask anyone to look after them. We didn’t get a night out together away from them for about 10 years, but we did have friends with small children over so we still got to see people. We also used to work overseas sometimes, so one of us would be home with them alone for months at a time. That was hard when they were very small. It’s easier now they are teenagers. None of my friends had this on-tap parental support. Most of us live miles from our families because we have moved around for work.

I completely understand you OP. Many years ago I was a single mum with zero family support. I would come home from work on a Friday and not go out again until work on Monday morning. Life was absolutely sh*t. All I can say to you OP is, it will get better in time.

Yep it was the same for me. 3 kids, both work FT, with 2 sets of parents who wouldnt babysit. I evan had the added bonus of having a lazy husband who refused to help me around the house, so everything was left down to me, evan DiY. We had no money, still dont, but we got buy. It is hard, but people like you and me are in the majority. I didnt, and still dont know anybody who can afford a cleaner, or babysitters. Just make the best of it as best you can. Believe me, they will be teenagers before you know it.

I HEAR YOU! 💐

I have three children aged 4, 6 and 7 and no family help. One set of grandparents think children should be seen and not heard and moan at the children when they do see them, and I have to always be there too! The other a ring grandparents have no interest in helping despite having the time to, although they will often tell me what a wonderful help their own parents were when they had small children.

I find it SO hard! Everyone I know has family help, everyone! Family that will childmind so they can have an evening out or a weekend away. Family that will help with school pick up or during school holidays.

OP people really don’t understand unless they’re in the same position!

I’ve no advice but to me Your situation sounds pretty normal tbh, it is hard having children and there are times that you just want to throw the towel in but you can’t just concentrate on the nice things.

I hear what you are saying OP but this is normal life with young DC. I didn’t even think about the lack of a night away when my DC were young. You can do things like that when they are teenagers and adults.
Do you and your DH have nights/afternoons out separately? If you don’t maybe you could try it.

OP has her parents willing to babysit while she has a night out. And they have.

OP is pissed off and calling her parents 'crap' because they're offering to babysit in the evening after the kids are in bed and OP thinks that isn't good enough because she doesn't want to start a night out after her kids are in bed.

For years I felt like this too. I was a single parent with not much help from family either. Life felt like one long never ending day. My kids are teenagers now and it's so much easier. I can nip out, go to the gym, sit in bed and watch TV in peace. It will get easier and you will come out the other side. Hugs for you right now though, its hard xx

My eldest has just turned 12, and my youngest is 4. This means I feel just about ok to leave them for 5 minutes to nip to the shop or pick my husband up from the station (eldest is very responsible). I know that doesn’t sound much, but it is incredibly liberating. In the past, if I’d forgot some key ingredient for tea, that 5 minute journey would have been a 20 minute stressful nightmare dragging children along, and then them being too hungry for me to cook properly when I got home. I would have therefore had an hour which would have felt like very hard work, leaving me tired and stressed.

They grow up, OP. It gets easier.

OP totally get where you’re coming from. Every time I see people with young kids, I think to myself ‘thank fuck that’s not me anymore’, because it is hard, hard, hard!!!

my husband worked abroad so I was effectively like a single mum. I had absolutely no help from family. Grandparents not interested at all. Although my husband was very supportive and helped enormously each time he was home, I was always exhausted. Bringing up my kids was one hard slog.

now younger generations of my family are having their own young kids and have invited me round to visit and stay over - absolutely no way- that’s my idea of hell. The thought of being in the company of demanding , constant attention seeking, whinging, crying young children is my idea of absolute hell ( I know the kids are just behaving normally for kids their age)

So you have my every sympathy. The only thing I’d say though, is that it doesn’t last forever and as they get more independent things do begin to improve a bit. X

Sorry, I thought I'd quoted you in my post but hadn't so here's what I said

"OP has her parents willing to babysit while she has a night out. And they have.

OP is pissed off and calling her parents 'crap' because they're offering to babysit in the evening after the kids are in bed and OP thinks that isn't good enough because she doesn't want to start a night out after her kids are in bed"

Having kids is hard work but it will get much easier as they get older and they become more independent. I understand you are just venting and it’s good that you are. Don’t keep your frustrations bottled up. Don’t worry about the haters on MN OP, just ignore them 😂

Yes it is hard, we moan to friends but most are so tied themselves they don’t really hear. These are the best days of our lives but we are too tired to realise.

Most people (with young families), don’t have the money to afford cleaners etc, so don’t worry about that.

we have changed our ideas, we don’t get dressed up, but we have a bottle of wine, maybe some peanuts and watch tv or play board games / chat. I enjoy these evenings and feel content with the kids asleep upstairs. We go out separately with friends very occasionally, we have been out together 3 times in 9 years.

maybe ask friends to help, as we are all exhausted I would make a mental note to be home before 10:30pm, if later they may not offer again.

@Keepingheadabovewaterjust

I understand it's tough I have literally no family support! Parenting can be very draining;
Both my parents passed away no
in-laws about either but if my mum was alive and said I'll babysit but put the kids to bed first I don't get what the issue is with this?
They're your kids why wouldn't you want to tuck them in and read a story???
If you hire a babysitter generally they'll at least want kids in pyjamas and bathed If not in bed I think this is unreasonable.

my husband worked abroad so I was effectively like a single mum

Please don't say this. It's not a competition but it's not remotely the same thing and it is so offensive to actual single mothers when people make comments like this.

The best advice I'd give to prospective parents is assume grandparents will do nothing. Even if they make promises they won't keep them. I had this on both sides " oh when are you having kids, we'd love to babysit" etc. etc.
Fast forward 4 years and the longest they've babysat is 5 mins while I took the rubbish out. Boomer grandparents are awful.

The whole viewing spending time with younger family members of your extended family as a chore and calling it "childcare" and expecting it to be lauded as some kind of superhuman endeavour is pretty shocking really. But people reap what they sew.

I really hate it when posters try to make people feel guilty about venting. The ‘how can you possibly dare to complain when single parents have it so much harder’ approach. Honestly, you could carry on that line of thinking forever more. There’s always someone, somewhere worse off, and let’s face it, most of us are better off than poor starving people in third-world famine zones… and on it goes. No one should complain about ANYTHING if you apply that logic.
Even immensely privileged people have their struggles … does it mean they’re never allowed to admit they’re having a hard time or finding something tough? There is comfort in finding shared experience and people who are going through the same things.
OP, I hear you. Having kids can be a really thankless task at times … and very lonely.
We all need a bit of downtime. As others have said, it most definitely does get easier. Meantime, maybe separate nights out or a very occasional paid babysitter?

@IAmCinderella I think you’ll find the word is sow 🤣

I feel your pain, its exhausting being a parent and you feel every emotion possible. It's so hard without support from family and friends. Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends. I feel guilty when I ask buy if you don't ask, you don't get!

We never had help from anyone, save paid childcare. And even THAT was tricky as son was extremely difficult (ADHD & ND) and we had so many babysitters quit on us. Between work, pets, kids (SS as well as S), household, evening classes, it was just horrid. Especially as this was before online shopping/orders, so everything had to be done in person. Honestly, I will never, ever understand why people voluntarily have more than one child, unless it is twins and out of their control.

I really can't understand GPS who don't help out
My son and DIL are moving closer to us so I can give them a a hand with the little one...still on my terms as I'm still working but I could never see them struggling the way you are OP.

Where do you live? I'll babysit for you 🥰

Life is tough, need to pick out the small wins and find the joys

Comparing your life with those and not with are an absolute thief of what you have. DH, DCs, Dog, job... the slog will not last forever. Speak to family and friend for help, a break will do wonders

It's the same everywhere.
2 sets of elderly parents. Would never be able to take care of DS
Ds has special needs. Only in school 1 hour a day. Both me and DH work full time. No other childcare options as he's a risk around roads and bolts so a childminder wouldn't be able to care for him safety. Wakes up 5 times a night.
No other support networks.
We're both exhausted. Haven't been out since he was born.

What I wouldn't give for a morning off staying in bed and watching crap on tv